In laws and seeing baby

[Sundancer77]

Hi all,

My oh and I live abroad and have done for several years, we always try to get back to the uk to see family on a regular basis. My parents and sister come out around three times per year and my sil and bil have been out a couple of times. My mil has never come over but also has never left the country or been on a plane.
We’ve spent several years and lots of money ttc and finally fell pregnant with our gorgeous bg who’s now 10 months. Since her birth we’ve had many financial pressure, I was made redundant after maternity leave and my dp had to take a pay cut, so we can’t even afford a weekend away, nevermind a new passport for baby and flights etc to the uk.
Herein lies the problem, mil says she’s too ill to come over (she’s had a prolapse, has had it for years and needs to do the op 🤷‍♀️) sil has pressured us from the start to being baby to them (they know about our financial difficulties) in the meantime, my family have saved to come over to see us a few times and will be here for dd’s first birthday. This seems to be making mil’s behaviour more and more bitter, troubles start if I post any pics on my Ig account (I’d prefer them not to be on it!) she messages my dp constantly when my family are here, saying how left out she feels and makes snippy comments on some Fb posts or posts those awful vague but pointed status updates. It’s just all so toxic and I try my best to distance myself from it all and try to enjoy time with baby and my family (who all have their own problems too) I feel bad for her as I know she wants to see her Gc, sil said she’d go with her and accompany her on the flight but still has to be down to us ( this started not long after she was born and had severe colic 😯)
Sil went on a holiday to Spain a month after baby was born, she could’ve come here, so also shouldn’t complain? My sister and parents save all year and don’t go anywhere else. It’s constant pressure and becomes toxic..is that our fault???

Apologies for any typo’s, new here and didn’t preview first to edit my quick phone typing!

If she is too ill, would she even get on a plane with your SIL? And if she would, would she go with Elderly Assistance on a flight?

Issue an open invitation for whenever she feels ready to visit, hide her on social media so you don't see her passive agressive status updates and just ignore it and enjoy your baby. If she's bitter about living so far from her grandchild that's her issue and not yours and there's nothing you can do to change her outlook.
Easily said but try to let it roll off you, at least she's a plane ride away and she's not sat in your living room sniping.

Can your mil pay for you to come over? We couldn’t afford to travel to my pil abroad when we were on one income, they paid for us to come for Christmas though.

What does your husband think? It’s his mother. He should be the one dealing with her.

If she could afford to visit you, perhaps she could afford to pay for you to visit her? Win/win.

Would they pay for your flights and the baby’s passport?

Your DH needs to reiterate to his DM the fact you are struggling a bit financially, what with your redundancy, his pay cut, and the expense you incurred previously ttc, so affording travel to the UK is not viable for the near future. If MIL is that desperate to see her DGD in the flesh then could she cover the cost of the child passport and flights for you all? If not then she needs to get her health sorted so that she can travel. How do you keep in touch otherwise OP? Do you just rely on social media, or are you Skyping regularly? I know it's not the same as being with you and being able to cuddle the baby, but at least it's a real-time chat and she can see your DD 'live'.

My parents suggested the same thing-that perhaps they could all club together as a one off and pay. She doesn’t have much money but sil could afford and did say at the start that she’d go on the flight with her.
The prolapse issue has been going on for years, she says the hospital won’t operate until she loses weight and stops smoking-she hasn’t done either. I believe she could travel-I’m not sure if she’s scared perhaps? But it’s sad to me that she hasn’t even seen where we live, our life here before this anyway? I used to text with her almost daily but don’t anymore (I reply nicely if she messages) but I always felt crap afterwards. Dp is rubbish at keeping in touch with her regularly (I always used to say to him to text her) but I don’t anymore, it’s not my place. If she’s not messaged with him for a while, when she does she’ll say how ill she’s been (she’s very poor me) she’s fallen out with her own daughter as gets upset if they go out as a family without her 😯 It’s just all bizarre to me and makes me feel sorry for my dp. He’s aware of it all and doesn’t seem as bothered as me, I don’t really mention it to him now but I see all the toxic crap coming. He’s told them we can’t afford it and leaves it at that 🤷‍♀️
The most recent was the last time my parents were here and I posted a pic of baby with her swimming certificate with my Mum and dad. Baby has both our surnames and we’re not married yet and the lovely swimming teacher had accidentally put my surname on the certificate. Mil inboxed dp saying how left out she was feeling and to change the surname on the certificate 🙄😬
Sil is very strong and if she starts messaging dp giving crap, I know it’s come from my mil, my dp sees it all as being his sister though.

sil needs to butt out for a start, and as you have financial difficulties why should you be offering to pay for mil flight ? come to think of it why should you pay full stop ?
mil is like my dm, health problems, too quick to moan about them but doesn't try to help herself or change her habits even on the small thing.
you can block so you don't see her stupid comments, and be thankful you don't live in the same country, she might be a whole lot worse in rl.

Do you think she genuinely wants to see your DD, or does she just like playing the victim? I'm not trying to be mean, but that's the first thing that popped into my head, as that's what my MIL was like with our DC. She would bemoan the fact that my DParents saw so much of the DC - I told her to arrange to come around whenever she wanted, but she rarely did. I got the impression she was more keen to make us feel guilty than to actually spend time with her DGC.

A few years back when we were struggling due to the thousands in ivf treatment, my parents Christmas present to me was tickets to them for a break away from it all. Whilst we were there trying to relax, my sil called my dp asking him to please call their Mum as she was feeling really upset that we visited them but not her!! It was from my parents and I’m not going to miss out on that.
I feel sorry in lots of ways as my dh father passed away a few years ago and since then it’s obviously been hard, but she blames everyone else and expects them to do everything for her. She sits around all day (Has never worked, doesn’t drive) gets driven by my bil to do a big shop once a week etc. When there’s ever an ‘Incident’ she posts all over Fb (which she’s on constantly) tagging all the family in videos etc apart from my dp or me. I don’t think he notices, but it’s so bloody ridiculous.
The last time (years ago) sil visited, she rang up as soon as they’d arrived and said she’d fallen down the stairs..all really odd. It used to really bother me and I tried to do everything right by her but since I got pregnant I’d had enough and in all honestly would prefer dd away from all that toxicity anyway!

I'd get your DH to tell his DM about the financial difficulty that you're in and say: it's just not feasible at this point in time. I'd also do what others have suggested and hide her on social media to avoid the poison when your family make the effort to come.

Sounds horrendous.

I’d firmly put the ball in her court.
“We have NO MONEY. We will come if you pay for our flights.”

Call her out when she is being silly

when she messaged your DP about the swimming certificate he should have messaged back telling her she is being silly and not even mention it to you.

start calling out her behaviour as silly / unreasonable and start telling her how much she is upsetting you because you can’t do anything about the situation.

Separately I think you should try to focus on some of the practical ways on removing the stress this causes from your own life.

I’m not sure if it just a victim type thing? Possibly, as she is like that a lot. I had a hard birth (don’t we all 🤣) and was in hospital for 5 days after, then poor baba had bad colic for a few months and age was so teeny. During this time, she was messaging saying how it was breaking her heart not seeing baby and sil was piling on the pressure too, completely overshadowed parts of my early time with her. Meanwhile, my parents, sister and best friend came over to us when she was 6 weeks old to offer help and support 🤷‍♀️
It’s obvious that mil complains to sil who them gets angry/upset on her behalf and contacts Dp..thing is mil will then message my dp telling him to ignore his sister, saying you know what she’s like! She often slags off his brother and sister to him too and winds him up..how awful to get them all pissed off with each other! Then she wonders why I rarely text with her anymore, it’s bullshit

I feel your pain - my MIL lives abroad and keeps saying she is too poor to visit us. DH is low contact with her as they have a very poor relationship - she is constantly angling for us to visit or to pay for her to come over. We can't afford to do either. If we could afford to travel it would not be to see her!

We are pg, due Sept and it is only going to get worse - she is really bitter about being so far away - but it is her choice, she has had opportunities to move home and we are struggling financially with mat leave looming and can't afford to subsidise her.

She has had a right huff after us saying we didn't want her staying immediately after baby is born (no-one is staying then - we want alone time - day guest yes but no stayers!!).

OP - it is really not your problem. If she wants to visit she will find a way to do it. When you want to visit her you will, but that is not your priority.

God she sounds like a pain in the arse, block her, be glad she's not your mother and adopt the attitude your dh clearly has which is to let all the pa social media comments over his head. Direct all correspondence through your dh, if he makes no effort then why should you care if he doesn't. She sounds like a seriously negative person, an eternal victim, I wouldn't be putting myself under any pressure to visit to be honest.

And next time the sil is on just be honest with her "Look Mary, we could go around in circles like this forever but these are the facts: we can't afford to visit, I refuse to feel even slightly guilty when my family does visit, mil is her own worst enemy. She moans to you, you call us, she tells us to ignore you and so the cycle continues but actually not this time, please call us to catch up anytime but mil conversations are now off limits"

You know, from your last update I think that perhaps she DOES like playing the victim and being centre of attention. The thing about falling down the stairs just as SIL arrived … hmm. If I were you I would let DH deal with her, I'd unfollow her/hide her/whatever it is on FB, I would either not post on IG so much or maybe make another account and not tell MIL. I think a lot of your stress is coming from her passive-aggressive posts and responses, so just block them.

I think you need to separate what your parents can afford to do and what your mil can afford to do. They are both separate families. I also think you should separate the relationships and not compare the two. Obviously you are going to have a closer relationship with your own parents.

However that said I think your dh should spend an email laying out that you are unable to visit for all the reason above and just keep referring back to it every time it’s mentioned, and they will get the message in the end

With regards to the certificate, dp didn’t tell me (I honestly think he feels embarrassed by it all, knows what his family are like but obviously loves them etc) I saw on his messenger on the computer (wasn’t really snooping as it’s akways just open and pops up 😆) he did reply to her that it didn’t matter about the surname, only that it was a great day and baby is doing so well with her swimming.
Before baby was born, it was all set that she was coming over with sil, my dp got all excited about it (I really feel for him also as he’d love her to see our life here) then she said she was too ill at the last minute and then it all started on us. A lot of it comes out of loneliness, which I do feel sorry for, but it’s too much! If I delete her from ig, then the shit will hit the fan.
I’m sure the consensus over there is it’s my fault and I’m not arssed as my family come over-yes and they go nowhere else and bloody save all year!
Don’t even get me started on sil and mil’s comments about how baby is a ‘Their surname’ and looks just like all of them etc.
Dp has reiterated we can’t possibly afford it (only just getting by for bills and food at the moment!) so it will be interesting to see if sil books to come out at least.
It’s a massive relief she lives so far away, she’s desperate for us to come back (is my home town too) but she doesn’t realise that the whole reason I’ve been put off coming back is due to all this! Imagine living there day in, day out 😬

If you had visited your family and not your MiL or even had a slap up holiday away, there might be some grounds for complaint. But you haven't, so there isn't. You can't afford to visit, so the solution is quite simple, either they visit you or pay for you to visit them. No need to feel guilty.

Freddiefox, only comparing the two as in-my family try to make life easier for us/support us-dp’s seem to make everything harder for us.
She is always the victim, yes and also need constant attention, there are times when she’s texted my dp multiple times and everyday, I don’t know, maybe that’s normal 🤷‍♀️ It’s been less since we had baby, as obviously we don’t have as much time to be talking about her illnesses 🙄

*Put off coming back to live
I wanted to return to live in my home town for a while but now I dread the thought, due to them..even though I have many friends etc there

A prolapse doesn't mean she can't travel!
She's either scared, lazy, or skint. As she's never been out of the country, my guess would be scared and she is using an annoying but not life threatening complaint as an excuse.
Ignore as much as possible.
SIL is being used as a flying monkey to bring you into line and make you cooperate. A health scare will follow at some point, if going according to script....
If DP is low contact, don't go out of your way to entice her over to you.