In laws and seeing baby

[Sundancer77]

Hi all,

My oh and I live abroad and have done for several years, we always try to get back to the uk to see family on a regular basis. My parents and sister come out around three times per year and my sil and bil have been out a couple of times. My mil has never come over but also has never left the country or been on a plane.
We’ve spent several years and lots of money ttc and finally fell pregnant with our gorgeous bg who’s now 10 months. Since her birth we’ve had many financial pressure, I was made redundant after maternity leave and my dp had to take a pay cut, so we can’t even afford a weekend away, nevermind a new passport for baby and flights etc to the uk.
Herein lies the problem, mil says she’s too ill to come over (she’s had a prolapse, has had it for years and needs to do the op 🤷‍♀️) sil has pressured us from the start to being baby to them (they know about our financial difficulties) in the meantime, my family have saved to come over to see us a few times and will be here for dd’s first birthday. This seems to be making mil’s behaviour more and more bitter, troubles start if I post any pics on my Ig account (I’d prefer them not to be on it!) she messages my dp constantly when my family are here, saying how left out she feels and makes snippy comments on some Fb posts or posts those awful vague but pointed status updates. It’s just all so toxic and I try my best to distance myself from it all and try to enjoy time with baby and my family (who all have their own problems too) I feel bad for her as I know she wants to see her Gc, sil said she’d go with her and accompany her on the flight but still has to be down to us ( this started not long after she was born and had severe colic 😯)
Sil went on a holiday to Spain a month after baby was born, she could’ve come here, so also shouldn’t complain? My sister and parents save all year and don’t go anywhere else. It’s constant pressure and becomes toxic..is that our fault???

Sounds like the sort of thing my MIL would do. Leave your DH to communicate with her. If she posts nasty comments on your pics, just delete them or ignore them. Don't let her issues add to your stress. Sounds like you have enough on your plate without the additional emotional blackmail

@Sundancer77 this is exactly the kind of thing my mother's been trying to pull. Always claiming that visiting me overseas is too hard/too difficult/soon she'll be too old/she's not in good enough health and she'll NEVER see us again.

Then goes on 4 holidays foreign holidays per year often with similar slight times.

If she really wanted to visit, she'd visit. I just leave her to her grousing. She's also horrible to me and DH and makes no effort when we visit her, so we barely bother any more, unless we have something else to go to.

There's just no pleasing some people...

NannyOgg-my parents should have paid for my dp to visit his mum?? This was pre baby when we were undergoing intensive ivf treatments and weren’t able to have a break or get over to the uk for a while. They weren’t going to pay for his ticket home, not in a nasty way, just that seems weird doesn’t it? They live in Cornwall now so offered a week to stay by the beach in a different environment with loved ones just to chill out. If my mil or sil would ever done the same, my mum wouldn’t have been put out, thinking she would’ve thought it was a nice thought and to make the most of the break.
Things are really going to kick off for Dd’s first birthday as all mine are coming over, we never asked, we wouldn’t have minded if they didn’t but they are and there’s no way I’m hiding it or playing it down anymore, this thread has confirmed to me that it’s not me being unreasonable and I shouldn’t feel guilty/wrong about the whole situation.

Allfurcoat that’s shit that it’s your mother 😢I don’t understand why people have to be so difficult all the time 😩

Hi OP

I dont understand why this is even a discussion or an argument. If she asks and you say you've no money for flights surely that's the end of the discussion? Have you clearly said 'I have literally no money for fights, what do you expect me to do?'?

I mean yes she does sound annoying and like she's playing the martyr but she is in a different country and should be fairly easy to ignore.

Just repeat 'cant afford it' every time it comes up. And dont fuel the fire- for example you say that you know she will get upset at the first birthday that she wont be there when your parents are - how will she know? Dont tell them and dont post on social media and it wont even be an issue. She cant get jealous of whatever you do with your parents if she doesn't know

Amiright...yes, you would’ve thought by saying that it would be the end of the issue, wouldn’t you?! That’s the point, it never is, they’re waiting for the moment to keep putting pressure. In terms of social media..I’ve been on it for years, before she even added me and always like to occasionally post, for my own family and friends to see, I really don’t see why I should have to stop that, in case others get upset 🤷‍♀️🙈ffs

@Sundancer77

Apologies. I thought they lived nearby each other

No worries! No, we’re both from the same area but my parents retired to Cornwall and brother and sister followed to live there too. So it would’ve meant two separate flights to different places paid for by my parents 😬 Mil was upset that we weren’t flying to visit her, but again at that point all our money was pumped into ivf and back then we flew back to her at Christmas anyway 🙄

You do sound as if you're comparing her unfavourably to your family 'My parents..my family..my parents said..' etc

Your MIL may be silly but she doesn't sound unkind. Perhaps she does feel ill, and is afraid of flying.

It's fashionable to diss MIL's on here tho so I guess you'll get lots of agreement on here + advice to treat her most harshly.

I don't see what she's done that's so bad tho. But if what she's done is earth shattering then she has a son - your partner - & he can have a word can't he?

I think making one visit home with the new baby should be a bit of a priority, frankly. As it is you are both as non-compromising as each other. And I’m sure there are relatives there who would be pleased to see the baby who won’t ever visit you? It would be nice for your dh anyway to take his child were he grew up. Then you’d have done your bit. Is she dealing well with widowhood? This can really knock someone’s confidence re doing independent stuff.

DeeCeeCherry 🤣👍

Frusty, but if we’ve just had a baby are managing only on reduced maternity and paternity, still paying back from expensive ivf treatments then are made redundant and pay cuts at dp’s work too..you’re supposed to be worried about buying and sorting a whole new baby passport, booking flights, arranging spending money etc? All this with a teeny baby with bad colic and recovery from the birth?? I don’t think most people would want to venture for a few hours drive, let alone plane journeys, a different sleeping arrangement for baby etc etc 🤷‍♀️
Her dh passed away around five years ago, she’s doing ok, has always had a lot of support from all of us, her son lives with her and her daughter, bil, grandchildren etc love 5 minutes walk- we’re here on our own with zero family and got through many years of struggles. From a physical and possibly emotional/mental point of view, I couldn’t have even coped with flying over anyway, even if the finances had been there. I do believe it will be nice to take here back ‘Home’ after all it’s where I grew up too and I’m keen to do that, all our friends live there, but have subsequently come over to stay and see baba.

As a DGM I have found DGCs grow in a flash and one month long visit in one year wouldn't really form a great bond, though I'm sur others will disagree. She has other DGCs around why not devote your DGM skills to them.

Perhaps you could try mirroring back to your MIL what she says and sympathising without getting emotionally invested. E.g. your family comes over when your daughter turns one and your mother in law says she is sad you could say "oh we are sad you couldn't make it too - it would have been lovely for x to see all her family on her birthday!" (even if it wouldn't)

If she says she's too ill to travel say " we know - what a shame - it's so difficult living with something that stops you doing what you would like to do. It's not fair is it?"

If she says you should come to see her "yes we're really looking forward to coming over ...once I'm back in work ...and we have chance to save up ..that will be great ...we can't wait"

So basically instead of fighting her (probably your natural reaction) try agreeing with everything?

Good idea, Sunni 💜
They do grow so fast, princess, it is really hard, mine come over in two week sections as to stay in the house etc for a month, lovely as it would be in lots of ways, would be difficult! In the past, we’ve alternated it, family and friends come out, we fly back (even though it’s tricky to two separate places) we’ve spent thousands over the years doing this, but obviously wanted to, just that circumstances have made it a bit trickier at the moment..we used to be big travelers, now the furthest we get is 30 minutes down the road with baba 🤷‍♀️
She complains about the short times she’s asked to babysit her other grandchild 😬

She sounds like a remarkably silly person. So little self-awareness that she doesn't realize her own behaviour is pushing people away from her. I agree that I would try not to give her headspace. There isn't a solution to this - she will always say she is hard done by no matter what you do. I understand why you can't block her on social media, but can you silnce her, so you don´t have to read the silly comments she posts?

It took me a long time to really understand the meaning of roads going both ways Sundancer. We live half an hour from in Law's but they didn't visit us in 12 years despite there being a bus stop outside their front door. They much preferred to play the hard done to game and slag us off to everyone for not visiting them. They also threw in a lot of "We aren't well" and cant leave the house issues along the road, despite going on road trips with their other children. Sounds like your MIL is the same. You only get one life OP, don't let her fill your headspace. My dp used to say "It's their loss" and left it at that. His brother is still not talking to us really because of all the lies told about us, but that's life.

Have done the take a break thing on Fb, not sure if that stops me seeing things she posts on my bits but even if it stops me seeing crappy status updates or depressing memes, it helps!

Fb is used as a tool to get at you. Try to just ignore it

OP quite honestly I would wait until you can afford to fly back from wherever you are. From the bits and pieces I've picked up over this thread she's too obese for surgery and can't quit smoking. And now says she needs a wheelchair. So travel esp medical insurance is going to be hugely expensive. And is that someone you can cope with as well as a baby or smoking round a baby? Perhaps your family (rather than fund so many people flying and staying later on) could help contribute to a flight for the three of you? Then you could visit your MIL and family before going post haste to Cornwall.

And as PPs have said, leave DH's family to DH. Just don't respond. Block her responses on social media and leave it all to DH. Just enjoy your baby.