In laws and seeing baby

[Sundancer77]

Hi all,

My oh and I live abroad and have done for several years, we always try to get back to the uk to see family on a regular basis. My parents and sister come out around three times per year and my sil and bil have been out a couple of times. My mil has never come over but also has never left the country or been on a plane.
We’ve spent several years and lots of money ttc and finally fell pregnant with our gorgeous bg who’s now 10 months. Since her birth we’ve had many financial pressure, I was made redundant after maternity leave and my dp had to take a pay cut, so we can’t even afford a weekend away, nevermind a new passport for baby and flights etc to the uk.
Herein lies the problem, mil says she’s too ill to come over (she’s had a prolapse, has had it for years and needs to do the op 🤷‍♀️) sil has pressured us from the start to being baby to them (they know about our financial difficulties) in the meantime, my family have saved to come over to see us a few times and will be here for dd’s first birthday. This seems to be making mil’s behaviour more and more bitter, troubles start if I post any pics on my Ig account (I’d prefer them not to be on it!) she messages my dp constantly when my family are here, saying how left out she feels and makes snippy comments on some Fb posts or posts those awful vague but pointed status updates. It’s just all so toxic and I try my best to distance myself from it all and try to enjoy time with baby and my family (who all have their own problems too) I feel bad for her as I know she wants to see her Gc, sil said she’d go with her and accompany her on the flight but still has to be down to us ( this started not long after she was born and had severe colic 😯)
Sil went on a holiday to Spain a month after baby was born, she could’ve come here, so also shouldn’t complain? My sister and parents save all year and don’t go anywhere else. It’s constant pressure and becomes toxic..is that our fault???

I’ve met mother’s like your mil, before. They believe in “divide and rule” and set their children against each other to enable her to manipulate their behaviour/prevent them from comparing notes and calling her to account. Invariably such mothers alienate their children.
As many have posted above be a broken record re you cannot afford to visit, nor to afford to finance her visit. Point out that your DPs have shrimped and saved and made sacrifices for their trips to see you.
Her behaviour is distasteful but do not allow it to get to you. Just enjoy your sweet baba and be thankful mil is not sitting in the corner casting a pall over your lives.
My health is poor and I’m partly disabled but with airport assistance I am able to travel 12,000 miles to see family. It’s a case of mind over matter provided some is not gravely ill and I would include a prolapse in that
Good luck

If your dp isnt that bothered then why are you getting so worked up over it?
Why are you making it a bigger issue than it has to be. If you block them from all your SM and communications then how are they going to affect you? If they message your dp, he doesnt give them much attention so why is it bothering you?
Realistically, they live in another country so theres only so much they can interfere! Block them and let your dp deal with them.

Thanks all, I do believe she’s scared also, but she does love all the attention too. She’s saying she needs a wheelchair now and it’s teally worrying my dp, have the op then? Surely if it was bad enough to need a wheelchair, they’d want to operate immediately?
Sil is a very strong character too that it can sometimes come at full force but dp sees her as being the one causing trouble..when I can see it’s mil. It’s disgusting to turn them all against one another and I’m hoping they’ll begin to see what’s really happening with her? Just last night his brother (who lives with her and is 35) posted on Facebook as his status that he’s ‘Absolutely disgusted with people’s behaviour’ cue people asking what’s wrong etc and him saying ‘Nothing, it’s just some people are only there where they want something’
Don’t think it was about us this time, possibly his sister-but how ridiculous is that! just so pathetic..this is what I’m dealing with 🤷‍♀️
Bluetrews25, how did you know?! 🤣 I reckon you’re spot on there..that another illness will come now..but why is she like this? We used to talk all the time, I never loved her but supported her so much through husbands passing, she even asked dp why I don’t text as much and that all she wants is to be a mother to me 😯again, he didn’t tell me this, I saw it on messenger.

Thank you, Antonin, you’re completely right

She sounds a right pain. How old is she?

Anewdawn10, I’ve wanted to block her/then so many times but of course then ‘I’d’ be the one accused of causing all the trouble. If I suddenly deleted her from ig and WhatsApp (I can silence her or whatever on Fb and have done before) without her knowing, but with the others, she’d know and as I say..the shit would really hit the fan!
Not sure why it bothers me so much, but it really does! Pisses me off that I can’t celebrate with friends and family my daughter, especially after all the crap we’ve been through to get her, without a loaded comment or if not that, some bitter plan being hatched..I can see it all coming and it does just piss me off! I’ve dine really well in almost cutting contact, I respond nicely but don’t continue messages for long and I’ve felt much better, but it’s always there hanging over everything. The worst is from September when the ‘Christmas drama’ begins and added pressure is put on to come back at Xmas..we’ve had that one for years.

She’s in her late 60’s. There’s always problems with her and my sil too, mil forever complaining to my dp (and getting him wound up) about sil and how she babysits (her daughter is 13 and it’s not that often) and gets nothing in return, how she has to hassle them for a lift off bil (full time policeman) to do the big shop on his day off and how he doesn’t do her garden for her as she can’t do it. The amount she goes on, my dp obviously gets wound up with his sister..wish they could all just see all the trouble being caused..it’s so toxic.

I also find it strange that she hasn’t twigged why people are distancing themselves? I can tell when she knows she’s done wrong as she’s quiet for a bit, then she sends hundreds of messages to dp

She does not need a wheelchair because she has a prolapse!
She wants a wheelchair for the attention and because she is too lazy (and heavy? you said she had been told to lose weight before surgery) to walk around.
Many women manage to live with prolapses for decades. It's just a very convenient excuse to get out of anything she doesn't want to do. I guess she will never have surgery as then she will lose her get out of jail free card.
Call me cynical if you wish....

Think you’re right, Bluetrews, have always suspected the same, says she can’t walk very far because of it but has sometimes had a wheelchair, sometimes walks to the shop on her own and carries bags back 🤷‍♀️
Who would want to live like that though? Seems so sad, doesn’t it? I did say to my dp, they can bring wheelchairs on the plane/hire one this end if needed (which I don’t think it really is)
I just feel like she sits there with nothing to do and gets all bitter, I used to feel sorry for her but now I just see the worst in all she does unfortunately.

first of all congrats on your beautiful daughter. After years of TTC what a gift she must be for you and your DH.

Please don;t allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your MIL and SIL for another moment. Your DP needs to take a MTFU pill, tell them about your financial situation, that you would happily host MIL but that you simply cannot afford to travel currently or contribute to ger travel costs now and for the forseeable future. If MIL is stirring up shit between your DP and his sister then THEY need to sort that between them. If MIL is as much of a pain in the arse as she sounds from your OP then she is probably stirring stuff up with SIL-trying to cause tension between the two of them to get her way. Seriously OP, try not to give it a second thought. start as you mean to go on as a Mum and set boundaries you are happy with. I have a lovely MIL, FIL and SIL, but I've previously had to say no to things I was not happy about. They didn't necessary like it, but it was done in a polite, direct way, so there was no chance of misinterpretation and most importantly they knew I could not be swayed. good
luck OP

I had a fairly large argument with SIl while pregnant with DC2. At the time, I was recently self employed and we were trying to figure out how money would work so I said that I wasn't sure when we'd be able to go to our home country to show baby to various family members as money was tight. She proceeded to LECTURE me about how the baby MUST meet the extended family and it was wrong of me to even consider not going etc etc. I pointed out that frankly they could come and see us...

Hilariously, she's changed her tune now she has DC and actually gets as irritated as I do that the vast bulk of their family refuses to ever visit but has such high expectations of us visiting (and don't get me started on how much they actually bother to engage with us when we do...).

There's a slightly odd idea that it's the parents' job to bring baby to everyone else. I get it. But at the same time, it's often the time of your life when you're the most broke with the fewest options. It astonishes me that people can''t see that.

You and your Dh need to keep reiterating that you simply can't afford to come and that while she is welcome any time, until you can afford a trip, you won't be able to be introduce the baby if she won't come to you.

Try pushing back all the time about her health. If she says she wants to see her grandchild, say "You know you can visit any time, when are you having that prolapse seen to?" Same response effectively to SIL. I find with my mother than pushing back the conversation onto something concerning her that she doesn't really want to talk about works wonders once she realises that is going to be the response every time she nags.

I think she enjoys being the centre of attention so plays the victim. I can’t abide excuse makers. A prolapse is no reason not to live your life, she has been given the option of an operation but refuses to try quitting smoking or losing weight. Both difficult things to do but if the prolapse is really affecting her life that badly, she would do it.

I personally think she’d only find another excuse if it wasn’t the prolapse. She sounds like the sort of person who wants everything and everyone to come to her and doesn’t want to make any effort herself. Just mute/unfollow on social media and let your DH deal with her.

I would be keeping her at arms length, she sounds hard work and self absorbed. She doesn't appear to want to anything to rectify of this situation or other situations. I would not feed into it and it doesn't sound as if you are in a position to visit anyway. I would let your DP deal with his family and not let her spoil this phase of your life or stress you out

I say this as someone who emigrated pre DC - take the baby home for a visit. I know it's expensive, I know it's a pain and I know you shouldn't have to. But if you don't do it then relatives will be arsey with you about it forever. They never forget. Of course your MIL can get on a plane with a prolapse, she's just making excuses because she doesn't want to. She's never been on a plane in her 60 odd years. It's scary to her. She sounds like a pain in the arse, but perhaps she'll have less to moan about if you just take the baby to see her.

Thanks all,
I’m a bit ashamed to admit I retaliated (sort of) in a passive aggressive way a few weeks ago after the ‘Certificate’ incident and shared a post about ‘Toxic people’ she was quiet for a few weeks (she knows!) and then started this week about how she’s been so ill 🤷‍♀️

^Yeah people don't like being called out on stuff. I personally would not do anything. Once you open the door to demands and blackmail then it will hard to stop. Next thing you know she will demand you return every Christmas and New Year to spend them with her

The thing about when they ask to ask again about her health is a good idea. I have said to dp that surely she can travel and he says she really can’t 🤷‍♀️So I don’t know

I had a pretty severe prolapse in between DC1 and DC2, it didn't stop me going on holiday (or conceiving DC2) and I can't imagine why she might need a wheelchair, is it just that or are there other health issues? She might be uncomfortable, which will be worsened by a long day of travelling, but nothing to prevent her visiting her DGC. She sounds like a bit of a martyr to me.

Hi, you haven't been "home" to visit for a year? MIL has no intention of coming. The only way she can get to you is in your head _ and if you don't allow it or give her any head space she can't. Wrapping yourself in knots is helping no one. Just live with the situation without focusing on it

Hi Edwin,
Sil just said she’s in pain from the prolapse 🤷‍♀️She’s had it for years and years, I don’t get why it doesn’t get sorted. The flights only 2/1-2 hours and they’re 15 minutes from the airport their side and 15 this side. I understand if she’s worried about flying but everyone would be going with her..wouldn’t having a new gc and even just wanting to see your sons life push you to go? Even if we went there three times a year, wouldn’t you still want to see where your son lives after all these years..I don’t know, she said too ill to travel once and then said she couldn’t afford..at the time I said we couldn’t too etc and it was a shame and was just a hard situation (this was when baby was teeny and shouldn’t have really been traveling anyway) and that’s when all the awful stuff started to intensify as she said she was devastated she couldn’t see her and it was breaking her heart etc..At the time I was dealing with a new baby (a shock in itself!) really bad colic, financial problems and looking back, probably ppd, that’s what makes me cross and it’s still going on.

SunniDay, you’re right but they still keep plugging away, she’s obviously waiting for us to come over and financially that’s not looking likely for a while yet. In the meantime my family and friends come over and she gets more and more angry/upset. Definitely have to distance myself even more.

In the nicest possible way, I think you are giving her way too much headspace.

She will never change. Even if you went to visit her, give it a few weeks and she would be moaning again.

What you are doing now is pointless and never-ending. Find practical ways to minimise her impact on your life. I wish I could, but in my case she is my own mother!

When your parents paid for you to visit home, couldn't your DP have visited his mother? I do think that was hurtful, irrespective of what she's like.