Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel my visit with niece in foster care

76 replies

mrsanxietyx · 31/05/2019 10:08

Not really an aibu because I know it's shitty.
They changed the visit from its usual time of three to 11.

Me and my mum see my niece every month at the contact centre I've only ever missed one. DS finishes nursery at 12:30 so I would be late to pick him also we're going on holiday next week so have lots of things being delivered today.

Do I just suck it up miss the deliveries and be late to get ds? If I wasn't to go my mum would still have the usual visit with her.

OP posts:
Tilly28 · 31/05/2019 10:12

Go. Even if you have to leave early to get your son. Please don’t let your niece down. It’s a long wait otherwise for the next visit.

Popskipiekin · 31/05/2019 10:12

DS nursery: speak to the nursery and see if they will let you keep him on there for an hour longer, offer to pay of course, perhaps they can arrange ratio cover but it’s quite last minute - better than being late. If you explain why you need it, they may well be sympathetic.

Deliveries: that is really annoying. Can you contact the companies and see where the parcels are, they might come this afternoon anyway? Also where is your nearest post office depot, they may go there and might not be too bad to pick them up? Or will the companies deliver saturday instead... or aafe place/a neighbour?

Tink88 · 31/05/2019 10:14

If she's seeing you in a contact centre I can’t imagine what else she’s going through. Please don’t cancel for deliveries.

formerbabe · 31/05/2019 10:17

I wouldn't cancel for the deliveries.

I'd try to go but maybe leave a little earlier to get your ds while your mum stays for the whole visit.

Feelingwalkedover · 31/05/2019 10:24

Of course you must go .
Don’t be another person who lets her down

MrsPMT · 31/05/2019 10:24

Is it ok to be late for nursery? And/or could you leave the visit to your niece early to collect your son?

If not possible, I think if your Mum is definitely still going without you and its very difficult for you to go you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

If you can't go can you give your mum a little card or photo with a message to take from you? So she knows you're thinking about her? I'm sure you and your Mums visits are really important to her.

Gazelda · 31/05/2019 10:27

I'd there any way you could take DS with you? I appreciate it might not be allowed or appropriate though.
Any favours you could ask of friends to have DS for an hour?
Can you go for a short visit?
I imagine your DN will be gutted not to see you (how old us she?). But understand this wasn't if your making and I'm sure you're trying to do everything possible to get to the meeting.

negomi90 · 31/05/2019 10:28

Adults have failed your niece horrifically. Not going to contact because it's annoying for you, would just be another adult letting her down and prooving to her that she's not important.

PickAChew · 31/05/2019 10:29

Just arrange to pick the deliveries up from wherever they get left.

zingally · 31/05/2019 10:30

Please don't cancel.

A child who has to see her relatives through a contact centre isn't in a good situation. They need all the stability they can get.

If you let yourself off the visit this time... It's easier to let yourself off next time... And before you know it, visits have stopped.

You don't say how old the niece is, but put yourself in her shoes, or better still, consider if it was your son in that situation... How would you/your son feel if Auntie Whoever couldn't visit because she "had a delivery coming"? She'll always remember that sense of "...oh" And you'll get slowly filed away in her little mind with her list of "flaky adults who don't REALLY care." Your mum will remember as well... You say you've already missed one...

I know things come up, and it's shitty timing, but if you can't inconvenience yourself a bit, for the sake of a vulnerable child... It says a lot.

springgreensunshine · 31/05/2019 10:31

Please go. I know it's insanely annoying and not your fault but she's in a much worse place than you, even if you have to chase around after a few deliveries.

(Sorry, we are all piling on the guilt here)

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/05/2019 10:31

Prioritise your niece.

She's been let down by adults enough.don't be one of them

megletthesecond · 31/05/2019 10:33

Pick your DS up early.
Forget the deliveries. It'll be a pain in the arse but they're not as important as family.

Your niece really needs you to support her Flowers.

SimonJT · 31/05/2019 10:34

I never missed a visit, even when it meant getting a written warning at work for taking time off, or cancelling a paid for holiday. He had enough adults who didn’t love him enough to put him first, there is no way I was going to become one of them.

Unless you’re willing to tell her that a parcel is more worthy of your attention, you need to go.

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2019 10:36

Could a neighbour take in the deliveries?
Can your partner or a friend collect DS?

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 10:43

As a foster carer I cannot begin to tell you the devastation a child feels when a contact session does not go ahead with all the people they expect to attend. It may be one afternoon, or a few hours to you, but the child will be looking forward to it every day for weeks and weeks and weeks, months in some cases. I am trying to find the correct words to use when a relative lets a child in care down, but I do not know how to explain....but it's the worst possible thing that can happen. The extremes of behaviour I witness after an abortive contact session, or if all the people they were expected to see were not there, are horrific. It's awful/terrible and underlines everything that has happened to them in their past and the adults who have let them down. No excuse will be good enough (even though from the adult's perspective it is perfectly reasonable) because to the child all they will believe is that they are not important enough, that they are not loved, that someone or something is more important than them. It's like someone pricks a balloon and their self esteem pops. Of all the horrific things that the children I have cared for have endured I can honestly say that a contact session that does not go as the child believes, has as much, if not more effect on them than any of the abuse/neglect they have suffered. Please do NOT do this.

btw if this seems a little OTT I can assure you I am playing it down, the harm it does to a child is severe.

underneaththeash · 31/05/2019 10:44

I wouldn't, your mum is going anyway.

Antonin · 31/05/2019 10:44

Do go OP. Be there bang on 11am and if you can’t make alternative arrangements leave early.
Ultimately the only message that will be sent if you don’t turn up will be that you don’t care enough not that the change in time made it nigh impossible.
Can a neighbour take delivery of your parcels?
I remember a mother of a 4 week old missing contact ( at prearranged regular time) because she was having a new sofa delivered. That was taken as an indication of a lack of commitment.
I’m sure you’re a really important person in your young DN’s life. Great that you care

formerbabe · 31/05/2019 10:45

I think you really must make the effort, even if it's for a ten minutes while your mum does the whole thing.

onalongsabbatical · 31/05/2019 10:46

If I was your neighbour and you told me even half of this I'd take your deliveries in for you. Got a nice neighbour you could ask for that bit?

MrsMozartMkII · 31/05/2019 10:49

Deliveries more important than the child...

That's how the child will see it.

Becca19962014 · 31/05/2019 10:50

The point is the contact centre have moved your appointment time with very short notice, that's the problem here. I think people might have missed this. Presumably the deliveries as well as DS were arranged around the visit hence the problem so the deliveries won't be later they'll be during the visit.

I mention that as its not as simple as you deciding to simply prioritise other things and that's important.

You need to look at options to be able to go and see her BUT I recognise this is also not a problem of your making. It's a problem the contact centre have created not you.

I agree she'all be devastated at not seeing you, don't underestimate how hard it is to trust people when you've been let down - im decades older than any age she can be and I struggle massively as an adult because of trust issues. Small things can get you through hard times, but also those small things being cancelled or removed can be devastating.

fedup21 · 31/05/2019 10:52

Can you take your child out of nursery and bring them with you to visit your niece?

lmusic87 · 31/05/2019 10:56

I would ask your neighbours to take in packages and stick a note on the door.

Can someone else look after your child for a little while?

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 10:59

The point is the contact centre have moved your appointment time with very short notice, that's the problem here. I think people might have missed this. Presumably the deliveries as well as DS were arranged around the visit hence the problem so the deliveries won't be later they'll be during the visit.

In my experience contact centres can make things very difficult by changing things, but of course this will make no difference to the child who is being let down. No matter what and why contacts are changed you must still go if physically possible. And even were in not to be physically possible the child would still be just as upset (though the word upset does not begin to cover the extreme harm it will do).

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread