To cancel my visit with niece in foster care

[mrsanxietyx]

Not really an aibu because I know it's shitty.
They changed the visit from its usual time of three to 11.

Me and my mum see my niece every month at the contact centre I've only ever missed one. DS finishes nursery at 12:30 so I would be late to pick him also we're going on holiday next week so have lots of things being delivered today.

Do I just suck it up miss the deliveries and be late to get ds? If I wasn't to go my mum would still have the usual visit with her.

cornish009

That’s fair. I think the OP should go as well.

Cornish, I believe you completely, but if OP has a child to pick up from nursery during the contact time, what else is she supposed to do?

1. Explain the situation to the child's social worker and see if they can help.

1. Keep their child off from nursery and take them to the contact session also?

I have known that happen from time to time. It may not be ideal but it better than not going at all. I have not come across any contact supervisors/social workers who would refuse this....although I appreciate their may be some reasons that may not be suitable, if the child in care was violent towards younger children for example.

If this was not allowed as the OP's mother is going as well, then the little one from nursery could be looked after by the OP or her mother outside, and keep changing and popping in and out so the child in foster care would still see both the OP and her mother.

I have also know social workers/contact supervisors who would look after the child from nursery for a while so the adults could go and see the child in care alone.

Difficult certainly, but not impossible.

I have known social workers go to extraordinary lengths to help anyone attending a contact session - be that a taxi from A to B, someone extra coming along to look after a nursery age child, help and support for the journeys, all expenses or any loses paid for. They know the effect of a missed contact can have such long reaching problems and they will do everything they can to help.

Niece, niece, niece

Totally agree with cornish.

Even if the child is young, it is likely to still have a significant impact. My DD was supposed to see her dad every Wednesday at a contact centre between the ages of 2 and 3.

Every time he missed it, she'd be devastated. I quickly learnt not to tell her where she was going until the contact centre phoned me 10 minutes prior to the session to let me know if he had showed up (luckily we lived very close, though this was tricky as she's always bounded out of bed in the morning and wants to know what the plan for the day is).

But then she picked up days of the week, which days she goes to nursery, classes, nannys etc and so began to know if it was contact day without me telling her. Bloody broke her heart when he didn't show, and mine.

It was such an awful time, and I worry every day at the effect it may have had on her self esteem. She's a really sensitive, emotional kid at times. So I worry that this has caused permanent damage to her MH and I go to huge efforts to bolster her self esteem and make sure she knows that she is so so cherished and adored by all of our family.

Anyway, please go. Ask your nursery if you can collect your DS an hour later, or pick him up earlier and take him too. Our contact centre was lovely and I wouldn't worry about your child being there if yours is the same. Just wanted to share as some PPs seem to think that it doesn't matter so much with a younger child.

This thread has made me cry.
I would very much like to help children in this situation but I don’t know how.

OP, hopefully, you are there now, but if you have to take your child with you next time and your mum is there too, you can so a child swap in the waiting room and go in one at a time if you can't take your DS in with you. In this circumstance, I'm sure you've done your best in a hard situation.

Please don't let her down OP.
Note on the door for deliveries. Pay for another hour of nursery, and pick DS up after lunch, or take him with you.

It's probably been changed because her foster carers are also caught up in a massive juggle and are trying to meet the needs of other children.

I can see both sides for op. I would try to make this possible. But what if op was working or some other commitment that couldnt be rescheduled.

Theangryllama some local authorities or private fostering agencies offer a volunteer system where you befriend a child, you may take them out once a week or a month or whenever you can and spend an hour or so with them. My mentor who volunteered with me when I was younger was a lifeline when I needed it most and I still keep in touch with her 15 years later

Ah, didn't see it was today! I've worked in loads of nurseries over the years (agency) and never known any that were anywhere near close to ratio at half term (if your area is). Bet they would have taken him an hour (especially if you thought just being late to collect was an option).

So hope you went OP it is tricky having to organise your life around somebody else's shitty parenting - believe me, I know. But the child is always suffering so much more than anybody else, and the kindness and compassion shown to them at this stage can have such a significant lifelong impact on their wellbeing.

Thank you. I will look into that. Very glad to know such schemes exist

Please go. Please don't let her down.

I hope you managed it

It would seem that by the time being previously set at 3 pm OP's DC could have also gone to the contact centre to be with the niece who is likely a cousin of OP's DC.
The person/people who have done everyone wrong is the person who changed the time of the visit. That is the person to complain about.
Meanwhile, I hope you go to see niece and at least spend some time with her.

cornish like I said I've been that child. Though of course I'm just speaking from my experience not anyone else's.

Becca Bless you for, despite your own background, your compassion and wisdom in understanding the OP has been put in a difficult position by the contact centre. (I don’t know how to say that without sounding potentially patronising, so apologies if that’s how it sounds). Someone close to me grew up in care so I really feel for you.

As you say, the cancellation for the child will no doubt be upsetting regardless of the reason and the OP should absolutely prioritise her DN. But she can’t be expected to be able to drop everything if the contact centre changes the time, and nurseries can IME be extremely inflexible about pickup times due to necessity.

I hope the OP has gone today AND I also hope she feedbacks to the contact centre or child’s social worker about the short notice change.

I went in the end missed the deliveries but managed to get to DS just in time. Glad I went now. She wrote me a card to tell me how much she loved me.

Present she brought for me.

Could she live with you or your mum instead of being in care?

@Hollowvictory she has other siblings so they want all the kids to stay together. My mum passed the assessment as she was originally going to live with my mum but then they have just found an adopter for all of them. So I guess it's to late.

So glad you went. So sad though she can’t be with your mum. Can she not make a case for this?
I hope it all works out for you all.

wow, strange priorities

I'm glad you managed to go, I'm sure she really appreciated it!

Very strange priorities indeed. At least you went though, even if at first some deliveries were much more important...