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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel my visit with niece in foster care

76 replies

mrsanxietyx · 31/05/2019 10:08

Not really an aibu because I know it's shitty.
They changed the visit from its usual time of three to 11.

Me and my mum see my niece every month at the contact centre I've only ever missed one. DS finishes nursery at 12:30 so I would be late to pick him also we're going on holiday next week so have lots of things being delivered today.

Do I just suck it up miss the deliveries and be late to get ds? If I wasn't to go my mum would still have the usual visit with her.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 31/05/2019 11:00

Unless you can make an arrangement beforehand, planning to be late to pick your child up from nursery really isn't an option.

Go if you can, even if it mean the visit is cut short, but if it's the contact centre who have changed the time, make a complaint about it and make sure your niece knows you've complained about it so that she knows you're upset that your time with her has been reduced.

Becca19962014 · 31/05/2019 11:03

cornish I 100% agree.

I'm not saying OP should let them down, just that the situation isn't as simple as the OP prioritising their DS and deliveries over the visit as both obviously (to me) had been arranged around the original visit times. I've been this child so I know the damage it causes.

HJWT · 31/05/2019 11:03

How old is she?

Becca19962014 · 31/05/2019 11:04

And yes you need to complain and let your neice know the centre changed the time!

stucknoue · 31/05/2019 11:06

I'm guessing dn is young as a child would be at school/travelling at 3pm normally. In these circumstances just your mum going for one week is fine, nurseries can't have parents being late due to ratios

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2019 11:07

I hope you are there now.

HappyDinosaur · 31/05/2019 11:07

This girl needs as much stability as possible from the sounds of it. I think if you can possibly get there then you really should, she needs you. I imagine you have a lot going on at the moment but this is a child in need. I really feel for her, I understand it's not true, but to her this means your deliveries and your holiday are more important than her. If you really can't do it is there any way you could arrange a special visit when only you go? Sort of a treat visit?

FamilyOfAliens · 31/05/2019 11:07

OP, please read cornish’s posts - she’s a foster carer. She’s seen first hand the devastating effect of cancelled or unsatisfactory contact on a child.

And I would second everything she says - the deterioration in behaviour of one of the foster children in our school was always directly linked to failed contact visits.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2019 11:07

Jeez.

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 11:11

Go if you can, even if it mean the visit is cut short, but if it's the contact centre who have changed the time, make a complaint about it and make sure your niece knows you've complained about it so that she knows you're upset that your time with her has been reduced

Your logic is correct Nailsneeddoing and may make the adult feel better. but this will make no difference at all to the child who feels abandoned. There are no words - believe me 25 years as a foster carer has proved that - it is only actions that matter. I am trying to think if ever I have known a contact session that did not go ahead exactly as planned, that did not have an emotional impact on the child. And you know, I can't think of any. Though in fact the child that appears to accept/understand are usually the ones who suffer the most internally, and in the long term.

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2019 11:12

I can't believe you'd even contemplate this!

Your niece has been let down massively and then to be let down for the sake of a few deliveries?

Find that quite pathetic actually

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 11:12

I can see both sides. Your mum will be there, so it - hopefully - wouldn’t crush her that you weren’t there. But then I saw that you wouldn’t see her for another month. I have to agree with PP: deliveries aren’t the priority. If you can pick your son up early and get to the visit, I would do that.

fedup21 · 31/05/2019 11:12

No excuse will be good enough (even though from the adult's perspective it is perfectly reasonable) because to the child all they will believe is that they are not important enough,

You’ve explained that really wellSad.

OP, please still go.

Notabedofroses · 31/05/2019 11:18

You to make it, it’s once a month op. Probably a life line for your niece. Whatever you have to change or cancel to be there, just do it, pooor girl Sad

NailsNeedDoing · 31/05/2019 11:24

Cornish, I believe you completely, but if OP has a child to pick up from nursery during the contact time, what else is she supposed to do?

Hopefully someone else could do the pick up or the nursery would be able to accommodate a late pick up, but you can't justify plan to be late to nursery and not see that as an issue.

Irishgurl · 31/05/2019 11:30

Are you allowed to take your child with you? Nursery isn't compulsory.

It does seem absolutely vital that you are there for your niece. How important can a delivery be?

Well done for being there for your niece.

Etino · 31/05/2019 11:33

How old is she? If she's young enough

Bezalelle · 31/05/2019 11:34

Don't cancel on her. That would be awful.

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 11:40

OP, please read cornish’s posts - she’s a foster carer. She’s seen first hand the devastating effect of cancelled or unsatisfactory contact on a child

Thank you, FamilyofAliens - love your user name btw, it describes my life and certainly how we must look to others!!

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 11:47

I can see both sides. Your mum will be there, so it - hopefully - wouldn’t crush her that you weren’t there

I disagree herculepoirot2 all of my foster children have been crushed should not all of the people they expect to attend to not go. I am aware my words may seen OTT, but really it has such an awful and long term effect for long after the adults involved have forgotten all about it. The OP would, to the child, simply be another adult they cannot rely on in life.

Icequeen01 · 31/05/2019 11:47

I work with LAC children who live in a residential setting. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for you to see your DN. We are constantly picking up the pieces when a child has their contact cancelled and it’s so awful to see. They have often talked of nothing else in the days/weeks leading up to the contact and when they are let down they are left feeling worthless and unloved. It’s heartbreaking to watch and the child is often upset for days.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 11:49

cornish009

As you can see, I said “hopefully”. Depending on their relationship and the situation, she might be very upset.

MardyMavis · 31/05/2019 11:49

Sorry but you're being bloody selfish poor girl.

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 11:51

And yes you need to complain and let your neice know the centre changed the time!

Becca that may make the OP feel better about a decision not to go, but it would make no difference to how the child would feel. Of course over the years I have come across genuine reasons why someone cannot attend a contact session with a child, but that will not make ANY difference to how the child feel. This is not about having a reasonable excuse, this is about being let down, and that defies all logic. To use an extreme example, the adult involved could be very ill in hospital, but the child would still feel abandoned, still have a very negative reaction and learn once again that the adults that were in their life cannot be trusted, and do not care.

cornish009 · 31/05/2019 11:54

As you can see, I said “hopefully”. Depending on their relationship and the situation, she might be very upset

Yes, I understand you said hopefully. I did not mean to appear critical. Just I have yet to come across a foster child that was not very upset, no matter what the reasoning was for the contact not going ahead exactly as planned.

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