DD and her BF taking the piss?

[Frainbreeze]

DD, 19 and her boyfriend, 21, have been together for two years. Myself and my partner (I'm male, DP female) think the boyf is great however there's a few issues and I'm thinking they know exactly what they are doing.

For starters they effectively live at my parents' house, DD has been "home" four days in the last year. My parents were abusive and neglectful to me throughout my childhood and it feels they have "weaponised" DD by offering this free accommodation, free food, give money like candy and allow her to get away with murder.

They both work, 8/9 months of the year at a tourist attraction, zero hour. When the attraction was closed last year neither of them bothered to claim any benefits or look for another job, their lifestyle being funded by said grandparents.

We both have severe disabilities and don't work. We are stuck at home everyday and really only go out to appointments. We try to tie a meal out into an appointment once a month, and have been taking both the kids. Neither of them ever offer to pay for anything, even a soft drink, and order the more expensive items from the menu and alcohol. Then leave us to foot the bill.

We are hoping to go on holiday next year, will be first time in six years. It's a destination we've been to before and adore. DD has already proclaimed she is coming, but expects us to fund most of her costs plus spending money/trips etc. Then there's the boyfriend element that has been subtlety suggested.

I'm not sure what I'm asking tbh, it just feels like my parents blasé attitude enables them both. DD has been through much trauma during recent years and we definitely don't want to alienate her, but see grandparents. They colluded with DD that she dropped college three years running and lied to us she was attending. Collide and lie about numerous things actually.

We've had a chat with my father that we need to register her as living there - due to our disabilities we need to desperately move into a property with certain adaptations, yet currently we have to declare DD living with us. My father blew his tits off and said if we did that he'd never speak to us again, and neither would DD.

Please help

Your daughter is an adult and clearly isn't living with you. Stop being emotionally blackmailed by these people. If she wants to go on holiday then she needs to pay.

Tell her you are stating she is not living with you and get yourself on the list to be moved to more suitable housing.

When parents invite kids for a meal they tend to pay. Ditto for holidays - parents fork out if they take kids with them. If they can survive on the pay they get for 9 months work and GPs are happy to subsidise then that’s up to them.

How do you know they’d even receive benefits? Perhaps if they’re living with GPs they’ve been advised that claiming will affect the money GPs currently receive? Or perhaps they’ve saved up from their 9 months work and have too much money to be entitled to any benefits? There would certainly be a huge amount of hassle in signing on for 12 weeks, being assessed and probably visited, GPs income being assessed and possibly reduced, pretending to look for jobs even though they already have a job to go back to, their benefits would be stopped if they were offered one of the jobs they apply for. Then when they go back to work the GPs would have to apply for their money to be readjusted. When I was that age and in between jobs for a couple of months my parents told me not to bother applying for benefits because of the hassle it would cause.

Don't go out to dinner with them again.
Don't include them in your holiday (easy - when you buy the transport and accomodation only buy for 2 people).

Tell the authorities the truth about DD not living with you. Your parents were abusive to you (and still are) so if they never speak to you again that's a win for you.

Cut the lot out of your lives, they don't love you and don't bring anything positive and joyful into your lives do they?

But as she’s an adult you would only have to say she’s not with you, rather than she’s with them?

currently we have to declare DD living with us. My father blew his tits off and said if we did that he'd never speak to us again
This strengthens my belief that GPs don’t want to formalise the living arrangement because it’ll affect their own benefits. Equally if the kids claim benefits they’ll reduce GPs benefits. For one thing they’re probably getting reduced council tax and would have to pay full if they admit they gave two working adults living with them.

She’s an adult. Stop inviting her to dinner and don’t invite her on the holiday unless she pays for herself. I understand you want to spend time with her but she is being a spoilt entitled CF here.

I woukd:

• pay for their meals if you invite them out

• not take them on holiday with you. The assumption that your DD can go too and that you will pay would be enough for me to say no.

• go ahead with sorting out a new place to live. Your DD isn't living with you, is it up to you to say where she does live? Or is it enough to just say that it's not with you? Sorry, I don't know about this.

As a pp said, do not give in to the emotional blackmail. If they stop speaking to you over this, this is not your fault, it is a choice they will have made.

Do you actually want your DD (and possibly her BF) to come on the holiday with you? If you are ok with it, then you need to have a frank conversation with her and say you're happy for her/them to come along, but she's a working adult now and she/they will have to fully fund themselves as you're not able to cover the cost.

Why is your father so averse to declaring your DD as living at his house? Coming "home" for 4 days over the course of a year is visiting, she is not living with you. They're emotionally manipulating you and you need to be firm and remove her from the electoral roll at your property. You don't have to say where she's living now.

Oh, and stop taking DD and the BF out for meals if they're not prepared to share the cost. Really, you need to set some boundaries and stop being manipulated. They'll never grow up and learn to stand on their own two feet if you enable them to scrounge.

you have to be selfish on this one, sorry to say it but these people don't seem to give a damn about you and your partner. be honest about the living arrangements, she's not with you. 'd'd is an adult and she must deal with lifes problems like an adult.
it hard but cutting them out of your life will be so much easier and happier for you in the long run. you have your own lives to lead and need a suitable, adapted home which is going to help you and make like happier and more comfortable.
your selfish parents and dd are only thinking about themselves, not you.

So at what age when taking kids out should they assume a financial input to a meal?

We've enquired via CAB and would have to give a forwarding address.

It would have a huge impact on grandparents benefits yes.

I know they are still massively abusive to me, even after 20+ years of moving out.

So at what age when taking kids out should they assume a financial input to a meal?

If you invite them out, expect to pay. I would just stop inviting them out.

And do what you need to for your new home.

So at what age when taking kids out should they assume a financial input to a meal?

They don't. If you invite out your kids, you pay. If they invite you out, they pay. If you aren't sure and it's important to know, establish between yourselves in advance.

Of course you don't have to give a forwarding address! You just get them taken off the electoral roll.
Stop inviting them out and see if they reciprocate. Bet they don't ever invite you anywhere.
Book the holiday for the 2 of you and just stop talking about it. If they want to come then they can sort themselves out. I did this earlier this year. Booked myself a holiday away from it all. My boys (& gf) said they wanted to come so I sent them the links and they sorted themselves out.

Just go non contact with your father. He sounds like a dick.

She is an adult, I'd recommend speaking directly to her only about issues that relate to her, don't go 'over her head' to the GPs like she is a child.

Sit her down, be honest and open with her. Treat her like an adult if you want her to act like one.

When you phone/ write to inform about your DD having moved out you are not obligated to inform where she has moved to as that is nothing to do with your business. If they ask where she moved you just say you dont know cause it wasnt an amicable parting. Simple. You dont have to involve your parents or pass on their address. I had to recently put in writing about my DD having moved out. They weren't interested where she moved after I told them i dont have an address for her. So you can inform who you need to.

If they want to be registered living with you they need to pay rent , there is no need to give a forewarning address , they are adults .

”We try to tie a meal out into an appointment once a month, and have been taking both the kids. Neither of them ever offer to pay for anything, even a soft drink, and order the more expensive items from the menu and alcohol. Then leave us to foot the bill.”

Why do you keep taking them then?

”DD has already proclaimed she is coming, but expects us to fund most of her costs plus spending money/trips etc”

Why would she expect that? Presumably you disabused her of this notion immediately...? Just say, no we’re going just us this time. Or, if you want her to come, say you’re welcome to come but will need to pay for yourself.

That's really interesting we apparently can just declare her not living with us.

Father is abusive, an enabler and a huge bigot. Mother is far, far worse.

So at what age when taking kids out should they assume a financial input to a meal?
I'm 31 and my parents will still pay for me if they invite me out to a meal (despite my protests) and I will TRY to pay for them if I invite them out (usually unsuccessfully). If you have a loving relationship with you child I assume most relationships will work this way. It sounds like you resent paying for your DD because she is an adult. I suggest stop inviting her for meals out if this is the case, however she should be offering at least IMO.

We've enquired via CAB and would have to give a forwarding address.
Can you not just say you have no contact with DD anymore and do not know a forwarding address?

I think you need to cut all contact with your parents. This relationship is clearly toxic and doing you no favours. Tell your DD and her Boyfriend that the living arrangements are no longer suitable and that they have 1 month to move any possessions out of the house. After that month. If they protest don't give in. After the month is done change the locks and ask them to leave. Start looking for suitable accommodation and declare DD no longer lives with you. It sounds harsh and may destroy your relationship but I don't get the feeling there is much of a relationship to salvage with you DD here anyway.

You don't need to enter into any discussion about reporting that they don't live with you any more. Just do it, say nothing to them or your parents.

You're being too nice, but also a bit needy. Needy people get treated like shit unfortunately, as everyone knows they can be bullied. You're being bullied at the moment, your dd is learning how to do it from your usual bully, your father.

Don't mention your holiday again, be vague if she asks about it. You need to protect yourself from being hurt more.

Why do you keep taking them then?

Only way we get to spend time with her. And fuck my name change didn't work, not that it matters (Steve),

Presumably you disabused her of this notion immediately...?

Because of my childhood conditioning I cannot bear conflict, it's a massive trigger for me, so I just freeze :(

I would recommend you stop paying for dinner out once a month, and replace it with a cooked dinner at your house instead. With the savings you can go out twice a month, and still see your dd.

I would keep the holiday to just you and your dp unless you desperately want her there? After six years I think you are entitled to a couples holiday. That solves both the paying and boyfriend issue. Tell them it is an anniversary holiday and you will be going alone this time.

She is no longer a child, she is an adult. Please treat as such. She does not need to be registered at your house, tell her that you are changing it as she no longer lives with you.

Leave her with your parents, it is providing her with a home, food and company. She is there if they need anything, it works for everyone. Your parent can’t weaponise your dd if you are indifferent.

I would take a big step back full stop op. Your health needs to be a priority not the family drama.

If you want to ask her for a meal out - tell her funds are low and would she pay for her share - do thin until it becomes normal for her to pay her own way

Those saying you invite you pay are wrong, my friends invite me out - we go halves,.

Tell her the holidays dates and times and say she’s welcome to book at the same time

Unless you out these things in place she wouldn’t realise she’s expected to pay.

Message her and say me and DW need to claim new housing, so we’ve told them you no longer live here and are living with GP

If GO no longe repeal to you that’s a bonus isn’t it?

If your daughter wants to go on holiday her to pay for it she is an adult. Book your holiday for you both in your own apartment or an all inclusive resort tell them where and when you are going and if they wish to go on holiday they can book it via x website and it will cost them x plus x in spending money.

Don’t have a discussion with anyone else about de registering her from your home. She doesn’t live there so just do it.

She is an adult treat her like one. If her GP wish to treat her like a child and find her that’s there choice let them do it.