DD and her BF taking the piss?

[Frainbreeze]

DD, 19 and her boyfriend, 21, have been together for two years. Myself and my partner (I'm male, DP female) think the boyf is great however there's a few issues and I'm thinking they know exactly what they are doing.

For starters they effectively live at my parents' house, DD has been "home" four days in the last year. My parents were abusive and neglectful to me throughout my childhood and it feels they have "weaponised" DD by offering this free accommodation, free food, give money like candy and allow her to get away with murder.

They both work, 8/9 months of the year at a tourist attraction, zero hour. When the attraction was closed last year neither of them bothered to claim any benefits or look for another job, their lifestyle being funded by said grandparents.

We both have severe disabilities and don't work. We are stuck at home everyday and really only go out to appointments. We try to tie a meal out into an appointment once a month, and have been taking both the kids. Neither of them ever offer to pay for anything, even a soft drink, and order the more expensive items from the menu and alcohol. Then leave us to foot the bill.

We are hoping to go on holiday next year, will be first time in six years. It's a destination we've been to before and adore. DD has already proclaimed she is coming, but expects us to fund most of her costs plus spending money/trips etc. Then there's the boyfriend element that has been subtlety suggested.

I'm not sure what I'm asking tbh, it just feels like my parents blasé attitude enables them both. DD has been through much trauma during recent years and we definitely don't want to alienate her, but see grandparents. They colluded with DD that she dropped college three years running and lied to us she was attending. Collide and lie about numerous things actually.

We've had a chat with my father that we need to register her as living there - due to our disabilities we need to desperately move into a property with certain adaptations, yet currently we have to declare DD living with us. My father blew his tits off and said if we did that he'd never speak to us again, and neither would DD.

Please help

Regarding the meals, the boyfriends attitude is what annoys me the most.

My parents would never ask for a contribution towards a dinner they invited me to. Really weird for parents to do so. However I do often play the game of slipping to the loo and paying en route.

Agree that it'd be highly unusual for a 19yo to start paying for family meals out instigated by parents, or even for her share. Unless she was rolling in it and magnanimous, which 19yos don't tend to be. I was probably late 20s before I 'treated' my parents to dinner and it still felt strange for us both as it's their instinct to treat us, especially when we're not living together. I could see it might possibly feel more piss-taking if she was living with you and milking you dry, but that's not the case, and if you effectively start charging her for having dinner with you, she might well choose to do something she prefers with the money. So it comes down to whether you want her there really. Same with the holiday, although that's very much an extra so you can ask her to contribute and say you can't afford to pay for her, and be prepared for her to be disappointed.

It sounds like all this is very much more to do with your relationship with your parents, which can't really be visited on your DD. What you feel is weaponising might well feel to your dd like grandparents being kind. It doesn't make her a pisstaker, especially in light of the trauma you refer to. If she's 19, working regularly and safe and happy then I'd be glad of it and not begrudge her a meal a month. Maybe go somewhere cheaper or be honest if you can't afford what she orders?

You will maintain a good relationship with your DD only as long as you give her what she wants. You need to cut the apron strings and start to work towards getting a suitable home. Give DD and your parents an ultimatum. You will give the parents’ address as DD’s new address unless she supplies you with an alternative address for the authorities.
If you want to take her out for a meal you pay but choose a cheaper eating place . They aren’t working so lunch at a cafe would be possible and more affordable.
The good news is that there is every possibility that eventually your DD will mature and realise how unfair she has been to you and her mother.
Hopefully her relationship with the BF will end and she’ll take stock of things.
Good luck

I'm already VLC with parents, and I avoid going to their house, the location of my childhood abuse, as it contains so many triggers. It's a guaranteed panic attack once I start walking down the path.

I get the feeling that due to your disabilities you have a very limited social network, and as such rely on family to keep you company. Effectively they are charging you to visit ( in terms of paid dinners etc)
Your dd should visit because she loves you and wants to see you, it should not hinge on dinners out.

Working on extending some kind of network, friendships and social life is going to be essential, so that you are not relying on your toxic family for company.

Your dd, if she was a decent person would want to see you, given your disabilities, she ought to putting in equal love and effort into the relationship by now, she is an adult.

I wonder how she treats you op?

The sense your neediness and lack of other options and seems to me that they exploit you.

You're unhappy about her relationship with her grandparents but you can't change it. Likewise your issue with them not claiming benefits when they aren't working are your issues. Lots of seasonal workers don't claim benefits when they aren't working. It's more unusual for them to claim benefits iyswim
As PPs have said, you don't need to give a forwarding address. Focus on your life, managing your benefits, etc, and leave your DD and her BF to live their's. If you want to invite them for meals and holidays then do so. If you don't, then don't.

I can only imagine how you feel, clearly you love your daughter. Your parents are not a positive in any of your lives.
You do however have to think about yourself, it’s hilarious she thinks you will give her a free holiday.
You need to tell her no and go on holiday with your partner. Come back with a clear head and go from there.

We've enquired via CAB and would have to give a forwarding address.

Are you talking about council tax? They tell you that you have to give a forwarding address but you don't. When I moved once I rang to cancel the CT and the woman spoke to me with such an attitude that I didn't want to give her any details but she was insisting. I just told her it was none of her business as I was going out of borough and hung up. Never heard anything again. Just ring them, tell them that your daughter is no longer at your property and you don't know where she has gone. That way, if anything comes from it, the onus has been on her and the GP to notify the council as to their real set-up and nothing to do with you. They are commiting CT fraud.

And don't pay for her meals, don't even invite her out with you. If you want to see her, invite her to your home.

Does anyone know how I'd go about deregistering her from our address? I assume it's the Council I need to contact? What about HMRC?

Thank you for all your responses, threads moving really fast so I cannot reply to all of you, but I'm carefully reading everything, you're awesome and thanks for your contributions.

With regards to my childhood I have CPTSD from the abuse (and PTSD from something else unrelated to parents).

Just the council.

For her post you could forward it, or return it to sender.

But first, just so no-one can come back and make you feel like crap later, talk to your DD, alone. Tell her what you are going to do and why - you need to find a home more suitabel to your disabilities and cannot do so whilst she is officially living with you. Acknowledge your father's anger but tell her that you won't be held hostage to that. She has made her decision, to loive with them, and now you are making yours.

If she won't meet you, or shouts, cries refuses to listen, leave. Send it all in a text/email.

And then MOVE and have lovely life without all of that angst.

Your DD will continue to grow up, mature. She will be what she will be.

Time for you to do the same (in light of what you say about still being held hostage to your feelings about your own parents).

”Only way we get to spend time with her.”

”Because of my childhood conditioning I cannot bear conflict, it's a massive trigger for me, so I just freeze”

The problem is, the only way to stop someone “taking the piss”, as you quite rightly describe it, is to put your foot down.

But it doesn’t need to be a conflict over who pays for a meal or a holiday. Just arrange a meal for yourselves, book the holiday for yourselves.

I also have ptsd from parental abuse. Strangely it hit hard after they died. I would deal with this now, so it doesn’t bite you later like it did me. Your daughter has become an abuser also. They need to be cut off as well. Let them come to you.

Just ask yourself what lessons you are teaching your DD.

That if she shouts and screams loud enough, she gets her own way?

Life's bloody tough at times. She needs to grow up and stop thinking the world owes her something.

And in the nicest possible way, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks/says/does, and do what is right for YOU

I would also question what your parents are teaching her!!

If she’s old enough to leave home she’s old enough to take financial responsibility for her self and own finances

I quite often get together with my parents at their suggestion and wouldn’t dream of them always picking up the bill, how bizarre, you wouldn’t expect your friends to pay for everything when they suggest meeting up.
Likewise the holiday - if your DD wants to join you she needs to pay her way.
They sounds really a selfish.
For de registration you need to contact your local authority elections or electoral roll department - check out their website or google “electoral roll” and your local authority.

It's the norm for parents to pay really, I am 51 and my parents still pay (and I go on holiday with them and they pay) but they are well off and they see it as an advance on inheritance, avoiding the tax!

But, my ex and I used to take his parents out, who were not very well off at all, on state pension only and we always paid for them (admittedly they didn't do the inviting either) - so while I think it is the norm I also think it depends on circumstances and you need to have a conversation about it.

Could you cut the meals out to 'tea and cake'?

And yes, tell the council she is no longer at your address, you might then get reduced rate council tax, no?

I'm not sure you need to tell HMRC yourself. Ask her to do it, or return the letters 'no longer at this address'.

Do you want them to come on holiday with you?

@pinkdelight has it spot on.

I’d say yes to taking them out for a meal, but if you can’t afford it perhaps only invite them every 2 months? You should still try to keep your relationship going but it should also be your choice. I generally pay when I take my adult DC out, but if they take me out - say for my birthday - then they pay.

Re the holiday, depends on if you want your DD to come too. If you do and can’t afford it, then they should contribute.

Definitely yes to saying she no longer lives with you and being able to move to more appropriate accommodation for you.

Very much sounds like your family will continue to take advantage of your good nature while you let them. Time to take a stand OP

It's the norm for parents to pay really

It isn't. If we all go out, we pay for my mum. Same as DP's family, he will always pay for his mum. They both never pay if we go out. They spent their lives raising & sacrificing for us, it's only fair to give back now we are earning our own money.

Obviously what your adult daughter & your parents do is up to them.

She's not living you-how they all react when you make that "official" is their problem, not yours.

I think that the fact that your daughter seems to only see you when you're paying for lunch speaks volumes about her.

And that she lives with GPs who bankroll her.

She sounds selfish & a user.

”It's the norm for parents to pay really, I am 51 and my parents still pay (and I go on holiday with them and they pay)”

It really isn’t.

However it isn’t unusual at the OP’s DD’s age. Doesn’t mean it should be expected though. She’s earning and they are clearly not well-off. And the holiday, absolutely not. I would have been horrified at the thought of my parents paying for me to go on holiday once I was an adult earning money.