DD and her BF taking the piss?

[Frainbreeze]

DD, 19 and her boyfriend, 21, have been together for two years. Myself and my partner (I'm male, DP female) think the boyf is great however there's a few issues and I'm thinking they know exactly what they are doing.

For starters they effectively live at my parents' house, DD has been "home" four days in the last year. My parents were abusive and neglectful to me throughout my childhood and it feels they have "weaponised" DD by offering this free accommodation, free food, give money like candy and allow her to get away with murder.

They both work, 8/9 months of the year at a tourist attraction, zero hour. When the attraction was closed last year neither of them bothered to claim any benefits or look for another job, their lifestyle being funded by said grandparents.

We both have severe disabilities and don't work. We are stuck at home everyday and really only go out to appointments. We try to tie a meal out into an appointment once a month, and have been taking both the kids. Neither of them ever offer to pay for anything, even a soft drink, and order the more expensive items from the menu and alcohol. Then leave us to foot the bill.

We are hoping to go on holiday next year, will be first time in six years. It's a destination we've been to before and adore. DD has already proclaimed she is coming, but expects us to fund most of her costs plus spending money/trips etc. Then there's the boyfriend element that has been subtlety suggested.

I'm not sure what I'm asking tbh, it just feels like my parents blasé attitude enables them both. DD has been through much trauma during recent years and we definitely don't want to alienate her, but see grandparents. They colluded with DD that she dropped college three years running and lied to us she was attending. Collide and lie about numerous things actually.

We've had a chat with my father that we need to register her as living there - due to our disabilities we need to desperately move into a property with certain adaptations, yet currently we have to declare DD living with us. My father blew his tits off and said if we did that he'd never speak to us again, and neither would DD.

Please help

I find the attitude on MN about paying for your kids if you invite them out strange. I'm 42 and my parents recently invited me to join them for Mums 70th and me and DH paid for ourselves. There was no suggestion from my parents that they would pay. Bill arrived mum looked at it and said that's x each and we all paid. I haven't been paid for by my parents at a meal out since I was working and earning at about 25. In fact now my parents are retired we pay for the holidays. I can't imagine expecting money from them for anything past early 20s.

Can you invite them to your house for dinner instead rather than going out? If money is tight don't go out to restaurants with them. Likewise just say you are only paying for your holiday (my parents stopped taking me on holiday when I was 16 unless I paid my share just like all my friends parents did - not that any of us wanted to go on holiday with our parents at that age anyway).

Ditto for holidays - parents fork out if they take kids with them
Bullshit if the kids are adults. It's one thing to pay for a meal but quite ridiculous to have parents pay for your adult holiday. Don't invite her on the holiday. Tell her its just you and your wife going.
Is yr dd aware of the level of abuse you experienced at the hands of your parents? Because if she is and she has chosen to live with them I'd be considering my relationship with her too. If she doesn't know what you went through then maybe it's time you told her. She needs to know what kind of people she's living with. Though the lure of free accommodation and handouts may override any feelings she has for your upset. Your parents certainly know how to play a nasty game.
Have you had therapy to address your childhood trauma?

I wouldn't hesitate to tell whatever authority you need to that your dd doesn't live with you. Stop allowing your parents to ride roughshod over you. Who cares what your father thinks. And maybe it's time to change VLC to NC.

I am disabled. You are both disabled. You need to put yourselves first. Your dd is a now young adult. It’s really sad for you that your parents have got their claws in her. However you both need a better place to stay. It sounds as if your parents don’t need all the benefits and money they receive. In fact what is happening right now is in the eyes of the law is actually illegal.

Send your dd an email. Tell her you both love her and will always be there if she needs you. You’re very proud of who she is. Then explain your health and mobility and you have no choice but to apply for adapted accommodation, which means declaring her no longer residing with you. However you are so pleased she is in good hands. Tell her you’re really looking forward to your first holiday in 6? years and that unfortunately finances won’t stretch to paying for her. You’re so sorry and very sad for her, you really wish life was different.

Your dd is only 19 and she sounds very lost. And easily led by your horrid parents. Yes she’s behaving appallingly. However she has had to live with disabled parents all her life, not go on holiday with you or do numerous pleasurable activities together that most children take for granted. Now that she’s just an adult, you’ve suddenly found the funds to go on holiday. From her perspective she must feel very cheated.

This way you put up firm boundaries. But you don’t reject her. Do the same with meals out. “Yes, we’d love you to come. However, we are so sorry to say we cannot afford to pay for you. We are really sad. We understand this must feel very unfair.”

I agree with pps you sound very needy, which leaves you open to being bullied. I recognise that in me too.

You can’t register your DD as living with your parents, but what you can do is deregister her from your address.

mrskoala is spot on (as usual).
Hiya mrsk

It isn’t your parents’ fault that your daughter orders the most expensive item when you eat out, it is hers.

Tell her - money is tight, we’d love to treat you and boyfriend, but we’re £20 a head (or whatever) for this, so please keep that in mind when you choose your food and drinks.

For the holiday - be up front, yes you can come - but we can’t afford to pay. I just took 22yo stepson on holiday. He travelled on a different day due to a party at home. We paid for everything except his travel there, because he needed a train instead of being free for us as a car passenger. Everyone knew the deal, everyone was happy.

If you think they won’t come if not paid for... then let them not come.

Cant you invite them to dinner at yours? That’ll be a hell of a lot cheaper. If I was on a low income, I wouldn’t repeatedly invite out a couple to an expensive dinner who didn’t contribute.

Where’s the holiday? I hope it’s not Disneyworld or something as paying for 4 will be crazy prices. When she assumes she’s coming, why don’t you say that you can’t afford it?

For a start, you need to stop referring to them as “the kids”. You have a daughter. She has an adult partner.

The who-pays at dinner thing is massively class-based, in my experience. My experience of certain middle class families (going as an adult child of one person at the dinner) is that I often don’t see the bill. My experience of many working class families is that people pay their share, because it would be crazy to expect an adult working for minimum wage or on benefits to pay for a whole group. Just my penny worth.

The eating out thing will depend on incomes and precedent in your family. I still struggle to get my dad to let me buy a meal. Last time he really protested I told him I'm a married personal with a child of my own I can buy my family dinner if I want. He accepted it and now we seem to roughly take turns, we went for lunch yesterday (mat leave and he's retired mum still works) and he paid, saying I'll get this one you treated last time. It's the compromise we've come to. My parents are comfortable but not wealthy. They've paid for lovely cottages in the UK for all of us including DB SIL and DNs, but if we all go abroad each family pays for themselves.

I mean this gently but what was life like for your DD growing up with two disabled parents? I'd imagine it could be difficult? She's being self centred and a bit immature, but a lot of teenagers are and if she's had a tough time growing up I'd cut her some slack. What she does about work and loving with her grandparents isn't you'd issue to get involved with. Whether you are able to pay for her meals and holiday is. If you can't afford it, tell her that.

I agree that you need to draw a line.

Only invite your DD out when you can afford to pay for her. It is normal for parents to pay, although I started paying fairly soon as it seemed the right thing to do.

Go on hols together and without your DD. If she wants to come, she can pay her way. My parents stopped paying me to on hols with them and giving me spending money when I was 16! I saved all year from my pocket money and weekend job.

Your DD clearly isn't resident with you, so shouldn't be recorded as such. You need the change in accommodation, so go for it. If your parents cut you off, that would probably be a bonus.

OP, what do you mean when you say it's the BF's attitude that annoys you the most. What in particular has he been saying or doing?

I mean this gently but what was life like for your DD growing up with two disabled parents? I

Disabilities hit fully in the last four or five years, before that they were manageable, they are totally off the rails from perhaps two years ago.

Wow, both these kids and your parents take the piss out of you!

Just stop inviting her for meals.

Book the holiday for just the 2 of you. Not your daughter.

Look for the house you need and get that sorted for yourselves. 4 visits in a year is just that. She isn't living with you.

You'll feel so much better when you start taking control of the situation.

I agree MrsKoala.

There are more factors than just who gave birth to whom!

I don’t believe there is an age cutoff to financially supporting your kids. It’s all about circumstances. Is your late teen/young adult in school full time? Give as much support as you can afford. Are they working as much as possible and saving to establish their own future? Treat them when you can. Are they drifting around, not taking their lives or financial futures seriously? Don’t give them a penny. They need to feel the full effect of their choices so they can change paths while there is still time.

I would change your housing status and I would not take her on holiday with you. As for the meals out, maybe have them join every other time you go out. It keeps the path of communication open, but saves you some money and lets you go out and enjoy yourselves as a couple occasionally.