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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have only just realised how sad i am

68 replies

Rosielee93 · 30/05/2019 22:29

I was just thinking to myself I'd love to go out on a girly night out for my birthday end of june and then it dawned on me. Id literally have no one to invite. I have no friends.

Ive always known this but I've just realised how lonely and sad it is that i cant even go on a night out for my birthday. I have one friend i see 2/3 times a year but shes not a night out sort of person and is busy with her career plus shes more of an acquaintance now.

Just wish i had a best friend or a group of close friends. I also thought about if i get married in the future id have no friends to ask to be my bridesmaids. How sad is that?! I dont want to go through life with no friends.

OP posts:

Motherof3feminists · 30/05/2019 22:39

I was thinking of posting a similar thread. I have no true friends either. My "closest friend" is someone I'm distancing myself from as she's having an affair and helping to destroy her family. I have people I chat to but no friends. It doesn't normally bother me but tonight I've felt lonely for the first time. I have people I'm friendly with but basically I gravitate towards toxic people and as I've no realised this I've cut them off and am now friendless.

How old are you OP? Are you working? Do you have hobbies? Everyone always suggest hobbies or meet-up groups.

I'm 42 and not working so have no network of people outside of the school run where it's superficial chats only. I tried to set up a single mums group but there was no one locally. It sucks. No hobbies as no childcare. I have mumsnet in my life and little else

I've no advice really, just solidarity

ToffeePennie · 30/05/2019 22:46

I’m the same. I turned 30 in April. 4 people showed up to my birthday night out. 4. That’s all I have for 30 years on this planet. 4 friends. One of whom is actually a friend of a friend. I’m totally there with you.

GreasedPiglet · 30/05/2019 22:47

I think it's hard once you move away from secondary school / university etc. - you usually lose (or at least become distanced from) the group of friends that you have there. And then it's difficult to meet people who are interested in the same things you are. I only really have one local friend, it's a bit crap really.

Original poster

Rosielee93 · 30/05/2019 23:13

Sorry to hear you're all going through similar things..
Im 25 working part time with two children.
I speak to people at work but just passing small talk. I go to baby groups nearly every week but never seem to get talking to people for more than a few words.

OP posts:

Motherof3feminists · 30/05/2019 23:26

When I go out, or rather went out, or joined groups or did something new or whatever I always hoped I'd make new friends. The reality was I was like a sperm trying to penetrate an already fertilised egg. Everyone always seems to have their circle of friends and they aren't interested in anyone joining their group. I'm friendly with loads of parents at school but I'm not friends with them. They have their own groups, their own social things going on. And husbands. Or partners. I'm somehow the odd one out and don't get asked to things. But then I've no one to babysit and too fucking tired to go out so there'd be no point in inviting me anyway! I often wonder who's come to my funeral. I'm NC with my family so would hate for them to come.
I don't like people really. I think I do but then my asd/add kicks in and I realise that I'm just not compatible with people. People piss me off too much and i piss off them.
I often think I should have been a nun. Quiet, dedication, solitude. The Church fascinates me but I'm not very religious.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/05/2019 23:34

Same situation here. Single parent, I work for myself and only see a few clients. I have one close friend who doesn’t like going out for a drink anymore. It’s very lonely. Hobbies cost money and childcare (which also costs money) and tbh I’m exhausted most evenings anyway or have work 2-3 evenings a week anyway. How do I make friends from my sofa in my pyjamas?

GreasedPiglet · 30/05/2019 23:34

I used to think I'd meet friends at work or at baby groups / school, but in reality I probably don't have that much in common with people there. And it's easy to be daunted by thinking that other people are already in lots of friendship groups.

This thread comes up such a lot on MN. I don't know what the answer is though!

bodgersmash · 30/05/2019 23:36

Where do you live OP? Perhaps we can arrange a MN meet-up

PersonaNonGarter · 30/05/2019 23:38

It’s hard. I have DHs relatives to socialise with (more fun than it sounds) and my work colleagues, but I am always having to pretend I have actual friends and places to go.

I hate it when people at work ask me what I am doing at the weekend in case they realise how mateless I am . I walk past this nice bistro on my commute and I always feel a bit envious of the women sitting in booths, catching up over wine. It looks like fun.

Even if I was comfortable asking people, they’re all too busy. I have tried. But life is busy.

That said I am going out after work with a colleague tomorrow. Yay.

Mumof1andacat · 30/05/2019 23:38

I feel you with this. Text my 2 cloests friends last week to meet up. They said they would check their calendars and let me know. I'm still waiting....

RagingWhoreBag · 30/05/2019 23:44

There’s a FB group set up by some MNers in a similar situation. A few of the members have become close friends from it and for the rest of us it’s somewhere nice to have a chat about the little things that we’d talk to friends about if we had any!!

PM me if you want the details, it’s been a bit quiet in there of late so some new members would be very welcome especially if you live near me!

Polarbearflavour · 30/05/2019 23:45

I have two female friends from school I see twice a year due to distance and a gay male BFF. I’m never going to have a girly night out or hen party.

But the difference is I suppose is that I don’t really like people and I’m happier being on my own. If you feel lonely and sad that’s a different matter.

RagingWhoreBag · 30/05/2019 23:47

I don't like people really. I think I do but then my asd/add kicks in and I realise that I'm just not compatible with people. People piss me off too much and i piss off them..

That might be the crux of it for me too mother ! ! I have high standards for friends and most people are just a bit shit and end up letting you down.

tolerable · 31/05/2019 01:12

I was about to say i am also friendless..but reality is -exactly what @RagingWhoreBag said. Incidentally-thats a beautiful name ;)..also..i am an ostrich.yip.i have systematically osticheyed my entire(toxic)family and if they phone i text back "what is it". i dont feel lonely that often,i have adult son and ds2 is 9. (hes very sociable-has friends here alot)..on the odd occassion i do "people"its down to a very select few. i'm 46. ... i think "i hate who steals my solitude without in exchange offering me true company" fits...often.

RaptorWhiskers · 31/05/2019 01:28

When I got married it really hit home how alone I am. I had nobody to invite on a hen night so I couldn’t have one. Nobody to be my bridesmaid. I spent the night and morning before my ceremony completely alone. It’s awful.

lljkk · 31/05/2019 01:51

Every day is a fresh start.
Friends are the people here & now who are available.
Invite the nicest work mates or toddler-group mums for cake or snacks or drinks to toast your birthday.

Jenasaurus · 31/05/2019 02:10

I don't have friends either really, im 54 and have 3 grown up children who I thoroughly enjoy spending time with and they have each at times called me their best friend, they have lovely partners too, so I have family but not friends. I think its my own fault, I am a bit anti social I think. There was one lady at work I got close too but she kept asking for money (another thread on here) and so I ended that. Then I have another colleague who I count as a friend but we only see each other at work and a couple of times out of work.

I am happy though, I am single too and enjoy my own company and that of my family but I do find myself making up excuses on the occasions that people do try and get me to go out.

The only issue I have is I would love sometimes to have a weekend away with a mate, but although there are a couple that I could ask, it would be odd as we aren't really that close. I go away with my grown up children instead, recently been to Barcelona with my middle son, and to Tenerife with my DD at Christmas...and will go somewhere with my eldest son and his GF at some point too. I am also going to a concert with my Middle sons girlfriend in June so I suppose my family are also my friends.

I do wonder how you can maintain such close friendships with so many people. My ex BF has loads of friends from all walks of life and used to mock me for having no/hardly any friends. I remember saying to him on a rare occasion I was going out with a friend after work and he said "who you have no friends" he is now an ex for other reasons but he has no tact and took pleasure comparing how many friends he had compared to me...

Mediumred · 31/05/2019 02:24

Aww, I like the suggestion by lljkk. I think you have to be open to people, sometimes posters might dismiss school mum or colleague friendships as ‘what do you have in common with them - just kids born the same time/work in the same place’ but what is any relationship built on initially but proximity?

Plus I don’t think friendships can be forced, when people say they are ‘superficial’ , probably they do start off as school gate/water cooler chats, you can’t force them, just give them time to grow and try not to expect too much of people too soon. (Sorry, really am saying this as someone with a little gang of longstanding mates built around a shared house in our 20s but i’ve Also made some wonderful friends in my 40s through my child’s school but the friendships have grown slowly over about seven years until I now consider a few of them to be the people I could honestly turn to if my world collapsed)

Good luck, stick with it. Xx

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/05/2019 02:45

I'm similar. It's SO hard for me to make and keep friends.

Zoflorabore · 31/05/2019 02:58

Hi ladies, there's another thread running this week about the same thing, don't know how to link it but will try and find the name of it, similar situation and off the back of it we've set up a meet up group for MNers in Liverpool and surrounding areas.

It was purely coincidental that around 4 or 5 of us were from the same area and although it's only been less than a week we have a small FB group and a thread on here on meet ups.

Worth a try looking on the meet ups threads too. The women I've "met" on here this week seem lovely and we're arranging a meeting up in the next few weeks.

Good luck everyone

Zoflorabore · 31/05/2019 03:02

Ok I've just looked and it's fallen off the bottom of my "threads I'm on" but I've just screenshotted the meet ups page on here which until the other day i never knew existed.
There are people on there from everywhere.

b0bb1n · 31/05/2019 04:01

Don't worry op I think it's more common than you think, I don't really have any friends either just work acquaintances. My DH has two, and I'm a bit jealous of him!

Mousetolioness · 31/05/2019 04:46

Motherof3feminists - The reality was I was like a sperm trying to penetrate an already fertilised egg

Just LOLd - literally. That is the best description ever...

I'm not sure I'd say I'm sad these days at not having any friends. I just accept it is my reality and am more reconciled to it these days.

And also my reality is that after a day at work, constantly monitoring myself (unreliable, unruly adhd brain) I'm 'spent'.

When I was at school I didn't understand the friendship 'rules' and was always the odd one out.

I've had a few close friends over the years but never maintained the friendships. To have a friend, or even a small circle of friends, would be nice, but know I'd probably be an unreliable one myself.

On the plus side, I've always been self-sufficient and happy in my own company.

lasttimeround · 31/05/2019 07:39

You know what? Psychologists say you can only really maintain 2-3 real friendships at a time. The rest is really just friendly socialising. I think people with fewer friends struggle with the latter. And that can mean as one friendship withers you dont have a ready pool of candidates for deepening a relationship to replace that friendship. So instead of seeing as I have no/few friends, I see it as I'm not really a group person. I find I lose my sense of self in big groups and feel disoriented. I'm not that comfortable with surfscey relationships. That's actually ok. The thing is to keep involved enough in the world to have a few semi friends. But i also realise that what I'd find even more awful is to have lots of friendly acquaintances (lots of big nights out etc etc looks great) but without the intimacy of real friendship I'm be so lonely despite the big group photos.

lasttimeround · 31/05/2019 07:40

And lovd the sperm egg thing. Classic queen bee scenario isn't it? Think about how much fun do you think youd really have been queen bees friend. Something about her requires adulation, sounds exhausting to me

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