To have only just realised how sad i am

[Rosielee93]

I was just thinking to myself I'd love to go out on a girly night out for my birthday end of june and then it dawned on me. Id literally have no one to invite. I have no friends.

Ive always known this but I've just realised how lonely and sad it is that i cant even go on a night out for my birthday. I have one friend i see 2/3 times a year but shes not a night out sort of person and is busy with her career plus shes more of an acquaintance now.

Just wish i had a best friend or a group of close friends. I also thought about if i get married in the future id have no friends to ask to be my bridesmaids. How sad is that?! I dont want to go through life with no friends.

As I read the OP I thought 'I bet she's 25' and lo and behold you are. This happens when you're mid twenties. You move on from childhood friendships and there's a bit of a lull before finding new friends through work/hobbies/school gates etc.

I think when you're 25 you're emerging from that stage of life when you're surrounded by friends and you feel a bit like a child in the playground who no one wants to play with again. As time moves on, you get more confident in yourself and forget about the days when the number of friends you had proved your worth.

I’m in exactly the same boat and it feels really depressing. I have nobody that I can just pop and see for a cuppa or a glass of wine :( how do you make friends later in life? I’ve tried hobbies but I just feel really awkward and find it hard to make small talk with strangers! Feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying and failing to make friends! I’d give anything for a group of 2-3 close girlfriends. It’s pretty much the only thing I want out of life

I feel exactly the same....I had a best friend for 20 odd years...I moved away but I visited quite regular as my family still all live in my hometown, we would meet up but as time has gone on I'm finding it hard to keep in touch because it's always me asking to meet up and her "fitting me in" I had work friends but as I've moved jobs I don't keep in contact with them. Also the mums at school all formed friendships but I was never part of the group. I now have one friend who is in exactly the same position as me friendship wise...your not alone OP.

Yep, this is me too. I have 3 friends who I will text very occasionally, and maybe 3 times per year they will come and visit which is nice. But they all live a good distance away and have a local circle of close friends that they go for a drink with etc. I have also just reconnected with someone I was friends with at school who is the 1 person I think I could text to meet up with, but she also has a bigger group of closer friends. I always feel like people wouldn't want to hear from me/see me and I don't want the rejection so don't initiate meetings.

I also think I am busy with OH and DS a lot and don't have time to develop the close friendships I think I crave. And I enjoy my own company. I would choose to spend the day on my own rather than meeting a friend. But I will not be having a hen do and don't know what I'll do for my 30th next year as I have no one to invite.

I think I'm actually quite happy not really having any friends but we are trained to think women should have a group of women friends, and feel inferior if we don't have that, even if we don't really want it!

I have a spin on this situation as I find myself on the receiving end of a stream of invitations that I mostly turn down as I have a health condition that makes socialising really difficult.

My theory is I’m some how giving out a vibe that attracts people to me and I'm wondering if it’s because I’m not particularly interested in making lots of friends. I’ve heard it said that the more desperate you come across the more unlikely it is you’ll form a relationship. So maybe the key is more fuck off vibes 🤭.

Also I am a very good listener and people do tend to tell me things and then naturally a bond is formed. So an emphatic but give me space personality makes people invite you places. I don’t know why 🤷‍♀️

A couple of posters have said about lots of friends at a superficial level and I agree. Growing up I always had a one or two close friends and was never comfortable in a group. Unfortunately my close friendships have drifted over the years and I discovered that most of them were toxic and users so I've cut them off.

But obviously those of us without friends come across as desperate and just need to give things time to develop

I've found I have very little in common with the other mums at school. I'm single, not working (atm) have little money, don't drive, don't drink like a fish, don't take my children to a million clubs, don't go on fancy holidays abroad, don't have parents who'll have dc for a weekend or even a night so I can rest or go out, and don't have a husband to talk about.

Maybe their identity and self esteem is dependent on how many friends they have. Like in high school. I had one friend in my year group and I loved him dearly. He lives in China now and I've not seen him for 12 years. I miss him. But life has moved on.

I have chronic health conditions and am fucking knackered by 8pm. All the mums who moan how tired they are when they have weekends away without the children and husbands who take half the load have no idea and I have absolutely nothing in common with them.

But I do like my life. Last night I felt randomly lonely. I'm very close to my mum and have three children. We have plenty of little trips away each year even though I can't afford a proper holiday. We've just been to the seaside for a night and it was lovely. I prefer books to people and am happiest outdoors with the children or snuggled up with a book. Maybe things will change once I can afford to learn to drive and have a car but for now I'm usually pretty happy with my life.

Yes 😄, I enjoy my own company too, and would happily read forever. I don't think I give off desperate vibes, because that just isn't how I feel. I would like one or two friends for an occasional coffee / glass of wine / cinema trip though.

Exactly GreasedPiglet.

Cant take much more of this.
I don't get what im doing wrong.
Literally no one likes me apart from my mum and dad.
We are at MIL's who hates me for no reason. Had a petty argument with other half and he said no wonder no one likes you fuck off home and do us all a favour.
I have no old school friends, no work friends, no baby group friends.
Literally no one. Dont even have anyone to text.
I feel so sad and alone. If i died now only my mum and dad would care.

Does anyone here live in or near bristol?

I'm afraid not Rosielee93.

Please look after yourself, and keep trying to make a friend or two. And please think about your partner's behaviour towards you as well; it doesn't sound great.

Good luck 🙂💐.

I always feel like people wouldn't want to hear from me/see me and I don't want the rejection so don't initiate meetings

I'm exactly the same!

Hello! I'm also a single mum, also low on friends.

For me it only became an issue when I became single. Previously I only really saw friends a handful of times over the year and it was fine.

Now that I sit alone every night, it really magnifies that I haven't seen my closest friends for months. I guess they are in my old mindset of thinking a quarterly catch up is all we need.

I have to stop myself from wittering on to colleagues at work about mundane topics from my life, it all comes pouring out cos I've not talked to an adult for days!

I’m a 28yo single mum in Cardiff, with a few (not many) single mum friends. We could do a meet up if you wanted OP, happy to come down to you?

I too don't outwardly have a huge number of friends friends of my age who I meet up with every week, mine are in different 'groups' too and would unlikely to be a mix at a social gathering. I like the sperm meeting a fertilised egg analogy as that sums up how difficult it is. But I would say be open minded about who potential friends could be. They don't have to be your age for example. Say hello and chat to neighbours... eventually ask them in for a cuppa. Can you try a similar thing at work e.g taking cakes in one day / asking casually at a normal 'chat time' if anyone has tips for things to do in X (holiday destination you might go to). It takes time but can be very rewarding. Two of my closest friends are ladies much older than me, who were like 'work mums' - no we wouldn't go on a 'night out' but we all get together every month or so for coffee and cake. Family friends?
I was never part of a massive group and doubt I ever will be. I am incredibly shy until you know me, but I am open to establishing links with all sorts of people.
Good luck x

P.s Reading threads like the people with wedding guest drop outs also suggests that lots of people don't have proper friends....

If you are under 45, you could join Ladies Circle - membership groups all over the country. No weird requirements, it’s just a group for women to make friends and build confidence, that meets fortngihtlynor monthly depending on the group. They also raise some money for charity and there are some big national events you can go to as well. Our local one (that I’m a member of) does different things each meeting - wine tasting, golf, cocktail making etc plus people get together to celebrate each other’s birthdays as well. It’s a really supportive organisation - try it!

Its hard, op. A few years ago I was in your shoes. When ds was born and was very poorly nobody came to visit us in hospital and there was nobody I could talk to about it. That felt really really hard.

Then I had a few tears of developing friendly acquaintances - people I could bump into and enjoy chatting to but somehow never managed to take it further.

Suddenly when he was 5 3 new people moved to our area who independently became very close friends. At the same time my relationships deepened with people on the sports team I played for. Suddenly I have found myself with an amazing tribe of women who I trust completely at least some if whom would rock up in a crisis.

I really cannot say what changed. I think it was just circumstance. Hang on in there. And ignore your mother in law. She's clearly reflecting the way way people feel about her. She sounds very unlikeable.

Op him saying that yo you is ringing alarm bells. Does he often make cruel comments and put you down? Did you have friends before you met him?

Why dont you try the app "mush" it's set up for mums to meet other mums and I am sure it will be quite active in a city like bristol.

The only piece of advice I can 9ffer you is to put yourself out there. Invite people to things. Have some of the other mum's round for coffee. Invite workmates for a drink after work. Yes there's a risk they will say no but how will you be worse off? In our area sure start centres run groups especially for mum's to meet other mums. They actually circulated a contact sheet and we all put our names and numbers down and we now keep in touch by WhatsApp.

I remember feeling like you when I was your kind of age. I met my current closest friends through a baby group and over the years we have gradually become very close. It does take time and effort and the courage to take a risk and invite people. There are other people i have met who haven't ended up as friends despite seeming like they might.

I do have lots and lots of friends, and thought I might share why. I have been lonely in the past (when first baby was born) and know the sadness it can sometimes bring.

1. I am not advocating toxic friends, but I don't have high expectations or standards at all, not because I am stupid or desperate for friends. I see human beings as ultimately fallible, at some point they will let me down, at some point I will do the same to them. The key is to understand this happens, and not take it personally. I try to be a good friend at all times, but sometimes I drop a ball (or two) Let people be human and don't worry about it

2. I always take the chats at play groups onto the next level. Always invite them for lunch or out for an evening. They can only say no, mostly they say yes and are pleased to be invited. You have to be brave. If they say no the first time, try again in a few months.

3. Be friendly with everyone. Invite your neighbours over for drinks, join the church, broaden the age and type of friend you are looking for. Good friends are everywhere.

4. Spend as much time out of the house as possible. Gym, classes, coffee, pick up the shopping don't do deliveries. Keep up the chatting and socialising.

5. Be prepared to be vulnerable. If you want a friendship to reach a deeper level, be honest about who you are. Share secrets, give them a reason to think they are part of your trusted circle.

6. Have fun. Who doesn't like laughing, be jolly, happy and open to new people. Invite everyone and anyone out, and soon you will strike gold.

Once you have an outer circle, you can start to build an inner circle with the best of them.

I am not the last word on friendship, but you do need to put yourself out there, stay friendly and open. Listen and care about other people lives, and the same will come back in time.

I couldn’t read & run. Ive spent years building up a friendship circle through school mums. 15 years later these women have my back. But it took years of asking people for coffee, play dates & continually doing so. I’m not from here originally so I was determined but it was very lonely to start with. Now the dcs are older I don’t see everyone as people do drop you if you aren’t always in their obvious thoughts but I group message people & find that there is usually one or two up for coffee.

Your dh doesn’t sound very nice OP. He should have your back.

Talk to others even in the park, in the queue at the supermarket- I talk to anyone & everyone. For some people that’s there only interaction for the day. Are there any groups you can join, volunteering you can do?

Also see if there is a book club in your area? Do you take dcs to soft play - people often go to that on their own, the park, there will be people who want to talk - if you click ask to go for coffee afterwards. If they say no & you see them again be open friendly & chatty & ask again!

It’s so sad how many of these threads are on MN. I have no advice beyond just being yourself - I spent far too long trying too hard to fit in before figuring out it was too much effort pretending to be someone I wasn’t

Agreed pp. these threads on mn make me very sad. I have good friends and am forever going to parties, long weekends away with the girls, over to Someone's house for a coffee to commiserate them on their teenage son driving them crackers!
I don't know what I would do without having an outlet with other women to discuss these silly things, it's very important to me. I hope you find that too, for you.

I’m wondering if there could be a section on mumsnet for people to post for this in particular. Sort of like tinder but for MN friends. There seem to be so many of these threads.