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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed with DC re my birthday

60 replies

Birthday43 · 30/05/2019 19:44

They are 10 and 12 and ds1 has access to his own money. They have spent the last couple of days at their dad's doing very little and he lives opposite an inexpensive card shop and a supermarket . They have got me nothing. I would have been more than happy with just a card.

Am I being precious to say something about how disappointed I am? I feel like they don't know if they aren't taught. This is the first year they've had the means to sort something independently as ex never would have supported them. I used to facilitate them in getting him a small gift and card but stopped a few years ago as he never reciprocated or even paid any maintenance. So maybe that was a mistake and this is my own fault.

Just don't want them to be inconsiderate people but maybe I'm expecting too much at their age?

OP posts:

GeorgeTheFirst · 30/05/2019 19:45

I think you say something, but try not to load it with emotion. And give suggest to them a way to fix it!

Todaythiscouldbe · 30/05/2019 19:46

As a mum of a 14 year old boy I would say you are expecting too much. I take my son to a shop and tell him to buy me something 🤣

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/05/2019 19:50

They are just children. As long as they have said happy birthday that would be enough for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2019 19:50

I would definitely say something. If they don't learn to show appreciation and consideration for other people by you, they will never learn it. There is nothing wrong with you telling them calmly that your feelings have been hurt.

user1474894224 · 30/05/2019 19:52

When you drop them off you need to remind them "don't forget to sort my birthday card and present tomorrow."

ANewDawn10 · 30/05/2019 19:53

I would also say something. The 12yo is big enough to have thought of something. I would be disappointed in them

RedPink · 30/05/2019 19:53

Say nothing this year but next year tell them before your birthday that you would appreciate a card and small gift.

Kaykay06 · 30/05/2019 19:53

I think they need to learn to think of others
especially those who do so much for them.

My 13 year old got me a mother’s day card with his own money, it was really sweet. And my eldest son bought me some chocolate and other bits for my birthday earlier In the year with wages from his first job. So they can be thoughtful but I’m sorry your kids didn’t make the effort (or even your ex reminding them to) although mine wouldn’t do this so was nice they’ve eventually done it of their own backs (it’s taken a few years though)

Happy birthday.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2019 20:17

Say nothing this year but next year tell them before your birthday that you would appreciate a card and small gift.

I 100% disagree with this. You have an excellent opportunity to actually TEACH them something about being considerate for others. Waiting until next year, only to remind them to get you something, is utterly pointless. They will have no idea what the big issue is, and another year will have passed by without gaining an appreciation for how their actions/inactions impact other people.

BackforGood · 30/05/2019 20:21

So, they have got to this age without being aware that it is "usual" for a dc to get their parent a present ?
Not sure why you think they would think it was something they "ought" to do then.
I think you need to have been helping them to get you something when they were little - even if it literally meant you taking them into the pound shop or the sweet shop with £1 each and asking them to get you something, and / or providing them with card and colours to make you a card before your birthdays.

Yes, I would expect my dc to get me something at that age, but it had been modelled to them beforehand. I wouldn't expect them to somehow 'know' without it being modelled.

Original poster

Birthday43 · 30/05/2019 20:33

Thanks for replies - didn't know whether people would think I was being ridiculous. I did model the present buying process. As I said I used to help them get stuff for ex and last year was the first I didn't give them money to get me something. Tbh, I used to find it quite depressing but I did do it so yes, that's why it's disappointing that they just haven't bothered.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 30/05/2019 20:51

You said I used to facilitate them in getting him a small gift and card but stopped a few years ago as he never reciprocated
'A few years ago' isn't something that 10 and 12 yr olds would probably remember.

Rainbowknickers · 30/05/2019 20:52

I once had a Christmas like this-I got nothing just the
‘Gimme gimme gimme’
I’d worked so hard to make Christmas perfect for them and not even a card
I did have a little cry in my room that night and my son asked what was wrong and I told him
It had gone over their heads that I’d like something
They never forgot again

cookiechomper · 30/05/2019 20:55

They're just children, it's up to their dad to remind them to get you something or buy you something on their behalf. Most kids their age don't have their own money to buy presents anyway.

scifibi · 30/05/2019 20:58

I do expect them to make me a card, just some nice words - simply decorated and make me breakfast, dinner or even a cup of tea, no gifts - a couple of years ago they left it till night time to give me a card, they didn't even make me a cup of tea and I was pissed off - of course i said something - how would they feel if I ignored their birthday - I just want a gesture.

WhenZogateSuperworm · 30/05/2019 20:59

If they don’t have access to money I would expect a 10 and 12 year old to be able to make a birthday card.

Passthecherrycoke · 30/05/2019 21:04

We all forgot my mums birthday once- it was awful (although I suspect she was slightly pa by not actually mentioning it) I think 12 is a bit young to a) remember 30th May = mums birthday and b) necessarily know the date each day (especially when not at school) it’s up to dad to remind IMO which is a grey area in separation I guess.

I am sorry for you as it must be so hurtful and I’ve never forgotten how guilty I felt about my mum!

bebebutton · 30/05/2019 21:31

My children of similar ages didn't get me anything for mothers day this year. I was so upset i actually went to bed and cried all day. I totally understand why you are so upset. It will pass and probably means nothing but they should know that you are upset and they should make it up to you.

Gth1234 · 30/05/2019 21:35

After all I've done for you ….

They are old enough to know better, I think. Their dad is, certainly.

Wodkavodka · 30/05/2019 21:37

Just tell them, in a cheerful way, "You guys didn't get me a birthday present. I'm driving you to Lush/wherever and you can pop in and get me something" then just be delighted with whatever they get you. Don't do the crying thing - it's better they feel good the did something kind than they feel guilted into it.

Ok they forgot but they are kids and we have to teach them. This way you can drive them to a shop you like and even suplement the money and drop big hints! Win win.

Arlenia · 30/05/2019 21:41

Wait, you give each other cards?

I’ve never received a birthday card from my dc, nor have I given them one - surely cards are for people that you don’t see on the day?

With your family, they can say Happy Birthday in person - why do you need it in written form?

ineedaholidaynow · 30/05/2019 21:43

For quite a few years now DS(14) has been excited about getting presents for DH and I, both for Christmas and birthday. I suppose it helps both for the actual buying and remembering when birthdays are, that DH and I are together. Although now DS has his own bank card he loves going to the shops by himself and getting things for us.

Have you got cards or presents from anyone else, have they commented on the fact that they haven't got you anything? I would have a chat with them, and maybe say you would like a little box of chocolates or something similar. Maybe next year, remind them with plenty of time, maybe by saying you would like a little birthday tea and what foods would everyone like for a treat.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/05/2019 21:46

Arlenia have you never seen birthday cards for 'mummy' and 'daddy', who do you think they are for?

SalemShadow · 30/05/2019 21:46

We have a work colleague who is always instigating work socialising. We have been out with her a number of times and she never pays her way. She always says she has forgotten her purse, has no cash on her ( we say she can use her card?). We always buy bogof cocktails. She says to us to get the first ones and she will get the next ones. She never does. We went out again yest. My colleague said she would get the first drink but she needed to def
get the next one but she never did. We just say there with empty glasses. She heavily hints for things so a colleague bought her lunch on a regular basis. She wants us to go for a break away but I don't want to as she gets away with never paying for anything. I've never seen anything like it. I don't know how to deal with it. One timr she said she wanted a sandwich from the sandwich shop. I didn't need anything as brought my lunch in from home. She went to pay but only had a couple of pounds in her purse. She said she is collecting her pound coins and can I pay? I was taken aback. Aibu or is she a massive cheapskate?

SalemShadow · 30/05/2019 21:48

sorry was trying to start my own thread

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