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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed with DC re my birthday

60 replies

Birthday43 · 30/05/2019 19:44

They are 10 and 12 and ds1 has access to his own money. They have spent the last couple of days at their dad's doing very little and he lives opposite an inexpensive card shop and a supermarket . They have got me nothing. I would have been more than happy with just a card.

Am I being precious to say something about how disappointed I am? I feel like they don't know if they aren't taught. This is the first year they've had the means to sort something independently as ex never would have supported them. I used to facilitate them in getting him a small gift and card but stopped a few years ago as he never reciprocated or even paid any maintenance. So maybe that was a mistake and this is my own fault.

Just don't want them to be inconsiderate people but maybe I'm expecting too much at their age?

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 30/05/2019 21:57

I'd be so disappointed in them. I would definitely be telling them how that made you feel.

colditz · 30/05/2019 22:03

@bebebutton

"My children of similar ages didn't get me anything for mothers day this year. I was so upset i actually went to bed and cried all day."

That's not normal, and it's emotionally abusive. That's the sort of reaction to be expected when a close friend dies, not when you don't get a mother's day card. You're not four, stop sulking to get your own way.

beclev24 · 30/05/2019 22:04

I think they are definitely old enough to get you something small and to remember the date of your birthday. I wouldn't do a massive guilt trip but you should definitely mention it and say that you were disappointed, and have them think about how to put it right.

formerbabe · 30/05/2019 22:06

No...don't say anything to them. Maybe mention it next year. They are still quite young and without adult encouragement wouldn't think to do this.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 30/05/2019 22:14

I tell mine and I have a birthday list if they are short on ideas.
So do they, like at Christmas. It’s about reciprocity, understanding how and why these things are important. Both of mine are on the spectrum, and so many social conventions needed to be specifically and directly taught if they were to understand and remember them.
But crying? Expecting them to remember without prompting? Pointless.

janetforpresident · 30/05/2019 22:23

Arlenia sorry but I don't believe you dont realise that some people get each other cards!! Only on mumsnet do people pretend that card giving is odd. Your family dont do it fine but you know others do so get over yourself.

OP I agree with pp that you should tell them. Don't make too big a deal of it just say that you think they are old enough now to have organised a card and explain why it matters to you. Don't suggest a solution, see if they come up with something.

Puffinhead · 30/05/2019 22:28

The thing is that even if they didn’t buy you anything, they could have made a card or drawn a picture or something! I would tell them you’re upset, IMO they’re old enough to understand. Your feelings are valid.

user1487194234 · 30/05/2019 22:30

YANBU to feel hurt if you were expecting a card/present
Wouldn't bother me as I have always discouraged mine from spending money on me

BurpingFrog · 30/05/2019 22:33

Happy birthday, OP Flowers Cake

Sorry that your DCs didn't get you anything.

As PPs have said, you definitely can raise this with them now (not waiting till next year) in a productive, non-guilt-trip way with the offer of a positive solution.

They are old enough to understand the impact but still keep it lighthearted. EG: "I was a bit upset that I didn't get a birthday card or present from you, but I would still absolutely love a belated one! Let's we go to X shop for you to choose something, and then we can all do X to celebrate afterwards.

Once they get you something, obviously big thank-you, say how lovely of them etc. Throw in that they've done a great job and are old enough to organise the present and treat completely independently next year! (Then next year just remind them its' coming up and check they remember this year's conversation!)

If this is the first year they'd have had the chance to sort something independently, it might actually have been a stretch for them to do so as the model they've had so far has been that they buy a present when an adult encourages them to (alas not happening on your ex's side). It might not occur to them otherwise, but they're not too young to learn that they should.

Original poster
Birthday43 · 30/05/2019 22:36

Well birthday is tomorrow but I knew when they got back from their dad's empty handed there would be nothing so checked and there isn't. I told them it was a bit poor and how happy I would have been with a card. Ds1 launched into a bit of a diatribe about commercial cards. I asked had he made me a card. He said no and at least had the sense to look sheepish. TBF he had left his bank card here and he has yet to use it alone so probably not as independent as I implied in retrospect.

Anyway we've agreed that my treat will be choosing their clothes for tomorrow's outing - in ds1's case that means him unzipping his bloody anorak thing that he has taken to wearing night and day so I'm looking forward to that. Smile

OP posts:
LateVictorian · 30/05/2019 22:37

I never got my parents anything for there birthday growing up.(they would of never expected) We just always did something as a family.

I started buying them gifts for birthdays and Christmas when I first turned 16 onwards when I first started working.

Even now at 23 they don't expect anything just the company and time together.

AlexaAmbidextra · 30/05/2019 22:37

I think you have every right to be disappointed. They are 10 and 12, not babies. I think I’d be saying ‘I see we’re not doing birthdays any more in this family’, then watch them panic. Some people set the bar very low for their children on here. It’s never to early to learn generosity and consideration for others.

janetforpresident · 30/05/2019 22:38

Hopefully they will have something more than that up their sleeve.

BackforGood · 30/05/2019 23:10

My children of similar ages didn't get me anything for mothers day this year. I was so upset i actually went to bed and cried all day.

What a shocking way to bring up children Hmm
You really need to get yourself some help from somewhere bebebutton

Lalala89 · 31/05/2019 05:41

My children (7 and 11) forgot my birthday completely this year. Wasnt till dinner when it was mentioned they "remembered."

You're not wrong. It hurts

saraclara · 31/05/2019 06:14

I'm amazed that people are saying that they're 'just children'. My kids were choosing gifts and making cards for us and each other from when they were quite little. And from the moment they got pocket money (6/7 years old?) they would use it spontaneously for birthday gifts.

Not a boasting post, as I assumed this was normal. At the OP's kids' ages, of course they should be spontaneously responding to birthdays and special events.

Baby1onboard11 · 31/05/2019 07:05

Completely agree @saraclara . At their ages they should have definitely got you something. There isn’t an excuse and I hate when parents try find one based on being kids. As a wage earner (paperround) I always bought my parents a little something. Before I earned a job I’d pick flowers from the garden or use birthday money or just make a card. Having thought and appreciation for others should start very early and if I was you I’d be saying it’s hurtful. No point waiting until next year. It wouldn’t have killed them to go to the shop or make a card. I don’t think you should expect kids that age to necessarily remember a birthday... they are kids and date remembering isn’t a strong point when they’re busy playing but no excuse for lack of effort if they had a reminder it was your birthday coming up.. I’d have simple words of ‘i Was hurt you didn’t get or make me a card for my birthday, perhaps you could do...... this for me instead

NameChangeNugget · 31/05/2019 07:13

I really think that’s wrong, disgusting & manipulative on so many levels @bebebutton

OP, I never starting getting presents and cards off of my own back until I was about 15 for my parents.

The excitement on this site about cards is very odd

gamerchick · 31/05/2019 07:21

My children of similar ages didn't get me anything for mothers day this year. I was so upset i actually went to bed and cried all day. I totally understand why you are so upset. It will pass and probably means nothing but they should know that you are upset and they should make it up to you

Isn't that like emotional abuse? Curious to see what type of mil you will be and how fast you get put on LC when your kids are adults Confused

gamerchick · 31/05/2019 07:23

I love a card me, I keep all my cards and the kids know that but it did take a while to drum it into them.

JaynePoole · 31/05/2019 07:38

So you all actually had time to turn this around? You could have said how much you'd appreciate a card (that they had time to make) and breakfast in bed / not having to do the pots / a cup of tea made for you every time you asked..?

I think it's a case of modelling what your family expectations are around birthdays. And this includes facilitating them buying their dad a card and making a present (for example). It could be that on your birthday you get to choose what's for tea and get a little bit waited on. And I think it's very unfair and passive aggressive to not remind them that your birthday is coming up.

saraclara · 31/05/2019 08:55

It's much more than sending a card though. It's about caring, about empathy, and about wanting to make people happy. And surely those things are fundamental things one wants to teach kids from an early age?

RaptorWhiskers · 31/05/2019 09:09

At that age I’d expect the other parent to lead the way by asking if the kids have a gift, giving them money to buy one or encouraging them to make a card etc. Equally I’d expect OP to do the same for their father.

Yellowcar2 · 31/05/2019 09:31

Seeing as it's not till tomorrow rather then going down the disappointed route why not just remind them that it's your birthday and you would love a card.
I never understand people who get really upset over people forgetting their birthday but they don't remind them because they should love them enough to remember. Why set yourself to be hurt and them feel guilty when you could just remind them Confused

Yellowcar2 · 31/05/2019 09:32

Just realised it's today happy birthday op Flowers