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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about being left out at work?

71 replies

EllaBelle1990 · 30/05/2019 09:31

It was my birthday two days ago and I turned 30. We have a routine at work where everyone in our office (an office of 8) gets a cake bought for them, a joint card and a bag of presents- every birthday not just special ones. I often give money etc for the pot and always this has been fine.

I get on well with the women at work and we go for wine etc. Never been any squabbles. Well my birthday has come and gone and nothing?! No card no cake or anything. Normally I wouldn’t be so petty but I feel quite hurt. They are aware it’s my birthday as we have a list and they asked me before I left yesterday what my birthday plans were etc. I’m on annual leave for two weeks now so they aren’t planning anything either. I just feel so hurt. We are going abroad so not like I’m having a surprise party!

I know I probably need to grow up and it’s petty but everyone else whose celebrated this year has had the same treatment of cake, balloons, presents and card.

I’m not sure what I should do about it, if anything at all.

OP posts:

LittleLongDog · 30/05/2019 09:35

That’s horrible! Is it one person in particular who organised this and if so are they there and not overwhelmed with something else (personal, family, etc)?

Joopy · 30/05/2019 09:35

Who normally organises it? Is there someone you can subtly ask?

Original poster

EllaBelle1990 · 30/05/2019 09:39

Nobody really organises it. It’s just kind of spoken about when the birthday person isn’t there and then we agree whose gonna go out and buy the stuff?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2019 09:41

Stop adding to the pot, then.

OwlinaTree · 30/05/2019 09:42

That's really mean. Next time the collection tin comes round say I didn't think we were doing this any more as I had nothing on my birthday.

It happened to me at work, we only do big birthdays. I was really upset by it. I did get something a couple of weeks later.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/05/2019 09:45

You don't need to grow up. Your feelings are totally understandable. I would probably be upset too. Were all of the others in this week? (I also think there is usually one who organises these things and unless they are there it may get overlooked).

Did the person who asked if you have plans not say 'Happy birthday' to you earlier in the day?

When is pay day? Was your birthday just beforehand and everyone is broke and will do it when you return from your holiday?

Belated 30th birthday wishes for Tuesday. I hope you can do something lovely on your holiday to take your mind off this hurt.

tresbe · 30/05/2019 09:45

That's so mean I would stop putting money in for everyone else. It's always the people that organise it that never seem to get the same in return.

fedup21 · 30/05/2019 09:46

I often give money etc for the pot and always this has been fine.

Who organises the buying and collecting money for these birthday presents? The only thing I can think of is that they all take turns in doing the shopping/organising for everyone else but you just give money and they think you should take your turn?!

It’s bizarre though!

I would have to say something on the next birthday. Are you friends-do you all go out?

fedup21 · 30/05/2019 09:47

Nobody really organises it. It’s just kind of spoken about when the birthday person isn’t there and then we agree whose gonna go out and buy the stuff?

Ignore what I just said then-if you all take your turns in organising, it’s clearly not that.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 30/05/2019 09:47

Hopefully it was an oversight. I suppose you'll know if they make it up to you when you get back.

Sarahjconnor · 30/05/2019 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinotjo · 30/05/2019 10:09

I agree, I'd stop putting money in future, I'd be hurt too but I wouldn't say anything until the next collection comes round, I certainly wouldn't go out for drinks with them again

Toffeecakes · 30/05/2019 10:14

I bet it was an oversight, I’m cringing for the person who missed it and I feel so bad for you - it’s the worst feeling that people don’t care and not one I managed to overcome actually. When my colleagues did similar it highlighted to me what I’d suspected, there’d been a few issues where I felt totally left out but I thought I was being over sensitive. When they forgot my birthday I knew it wasn’t intentional but it showed me where I was on their priorities, I left shortly afterwards.

Silversky70 · 30/05/2019 10:17

Stop giving now. Stand up for yourself.

PuppyMonkey · 30/05/2019 10:18

Agree, the next time there’s a collection, you’ll be able to do a super passive aggressive: “I thought we weren’t bothering with this any more.”

PerfectPeony2 · 30/05/2019 10:19

That’s bad!

Where I used to work every time there was a birthday/ leaving etc. there was a £5 whip round. It got pretty expensive (and tbh I think it would be best if they just didn’t bother) but at least when it came to my birthday I got some nice things.

I would made a comment or next birthday collection don’t contribute...

cookiechomper · 30/05/2019 10:23

Yanbu, that's horrible. In my old workplace certain people would get collected for, other people would be left out. I was always one of the left out ones. I stopped putting into the collections.

Brefugee · 30/05/2019 10:27

maybe they're just slow off the mark and will have something ready when you get back?
I agree with PP who say just do a PA "oh I thought that had stopped just before my birthday" when the next collection comes.

Most likely everyone just missed it and are mortified.

NurseButtercup · 30/05/2019 10:28

Happy belated birthday.

Yanbu that's horrible.

When is payday? Is it on Friday? I'm wondering if the usual collection has been missed because your birthday was after bank holiday /before payday so everyone is skint?

Even if this is the reason somebody should have said they'll have a surprise waiting for you when you return from annual leave.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 30/05/2019 10:33

Yanbu, that’s so shitty and unkind. I expect it was an oversight rather than a deliberate policy but that isn’t an excuse. I would also stop contributing and just say ‘oh! I thought we had stopped doing this since I didn’t get anything for my birthday. I’m going to stay out of it going forward, thanks’. Make sure they know why you aren’t participating any more!

Puffkin · 30/05/2019 10:34

I’m quite bolshy and would just outright ask what’s happened as no one has made an effort for my birthday this year despite the fact that other people’s have been celebrated. Just say something OP why should you tiptoe around their feelings when they clearly give nada fucks about yours?

DontPressSendTooSoon · 30/05/2019 10:38

I would have to say something, being mindful of the saying When you keep quiet to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself

Can you find out who the organiser is. or failing that speak to your manager, and say you are wondering why your birthday when un-noticed?

Lavellan · 30/05/2019 10:39

I'm going to guess since you've booked holiday over your birthday they've either been caught out not getting organised early enough or thought it was fine to "get away" with not celebrating this one.

Also, these things tend to only really work out when one person takes it on, and it's always a thankless task.

Pinkyyy · 30/05/2019 10:42

That's really mean. In all honesty if you have a good relationship with your manager, I'd mention it to them as that's really quite hurtful. Obviously you can't really raise it as an issue, but I feel that if it's not going to be fair then it needs to be stopped by management.

ElephantsEatEggs · 30/05/2019 10:45

We had one, office of about 10 of us, the person whose birthday was last gets the next person's present.

That way, if someone was off sick/holiday they could delegate their task to someone else. It was a lovely office. We paid into a pot for milk etc, everyone was just very kind and considerate.

I think it is harsh what they did to you. If you consider one of them more of a friend than others I would ask them directly what happened?

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