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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about being left out at work?

71 replies

EllaBelle1990 · 30/05/2019 09:31

It was my birthday two days ago and I turned 30. We have a routine at work where everyone in our office (an office of 8) gets a cake bought for them, a joint card and a bag of presents- every birthday not just special ones. I often give money etc for the pot and always this has been fine.

I get on well with the women at work and we go for wine etc. Never been any squabbles. Well my birthday has come and gone and nothing?! No card no cake or anything. Normally I wouldn’t be so petty but I feel quite hurt. They are aware it’s my birthday as we have a list and they asked me before I left yesterday what my birthday plans were etc. I’m on annual leave for two weeks now so they aren’t planning anything either. I just feel so hurt. We are going abroad so not like I’m having a surprise party!

I know I probably need to grow up and it’s petty but everyone else whose celebrated this year has had the same treatment of cake, balloons, presents and card.

I’m not sure what I should do about it, if anything at all.

OP posts:
cinnamonbun · 30/05/2019 11:48

This is horrible, sorry op. Had something similar myself when I was leaving an old job. Had been there 10 years, Pretty close to the 8 or so others working there, would class as friends. No leaving card or anything, didn't think an awful lot of it but was a bit disappointed. Then another girl left (had been working there less time than me if that matters) and she was presented with cards, flowers, gifts etc....that hurt!! (I saw her leaving stuff posted on social media)

NotSorry · 30/05/2019 11:49

This happened to me - at our place we do something special if someone is 21 or for us oldies a "zero" birthday. I'd put my money in to every collection - when it came to mine nothing happened.

I dont contribute any more

CharlyAngelic · 30/05/2019 11:50

Sorry OP.
Happy belated birthday .
Put your contribution in an envelope every time it is one of theirs and keep it for yourself to buy something you want.

Teddybear45 · 30/05/2019 11:54

This happened to me. First birthday was ignored as I was too new which is fair enough, but then the second birthday was ignored too. When I asked the organiser she was really embarrassed and said it’s because the senior manager (who tops up the contribution) wasn’t around to ask for money and my manager refused to contribute. When I asked why she said he didn’t want other managers thinking he and I were friends — so basically my face didn’t fit.

I started looking for different internal jobs after that and the senior manager tried to make up for everything by paying £300 towards by leaving drinks, which was nice of him. My manager, it turned out, had been pissed off because I needed time off for fertility treatment Hmm

BummyKnocker · 30/05/2019 11:55

When you keep quiet to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself

I love this, many a war inside my head when I kept quiet, after a year of counselling I don't keep quiet anymore!

Say something to stop the inner seething and then stop contributing. You can always give your own card but don't give to the pot that didn't give to you.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 30/05/2019 11:55

Systems like this are a hiding to nothing.

Every place I have worked at, the birthday boy/girl brings in cakes and people wish them HB and job done.

All this angst over endlessly donating to a pot for every single work colleague to get cakes and cards and flowers and gifts for every single birthday etc. I bet there are people who feel forced to contribute when they can't really afford it too.

It sounds like it's time to knock it on the head tbh. And I say that as someone who loves birthdays and buying thoughtful gifts for people in my life.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 30/05/2019 11:57

It’s happened to me. My birthday falls over the Christmas period and as we left the office for the two week Christmas shutdown it was obvious everyone as forgot by their faces when my friend asked what my birthday plans were.

They scrambled together something for the same date but in January and claimed that it was to make me feel special as my birthday must not feel special sharing it with Christmas... Hmm

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 12:06

Some of you are being very harsh!

People forget things. You got your present, just a bit later. Is it really that bad?

HennyPennyHorror · 30/05/2019 12:07

Angual At least they did it though!

OP I'd say something to the person who you most trust at work. See what they say.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/05/2019 12:10

Take in a really lavish box of cakes/chocs...

Say they are for your birthday.

Eat the lot and don't share. Whilst glaring at everyone.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/05/2019 12:12

When you're the only one being forgotten then yes, it is bad. If it's because my colleagues don't actually like me then fair enough. Just don't have the bloody cheek to expect me to contribute towards everyone else if you won't afford me the same courtesy of checking the birthdays diary and making sure I get something.

Outanabout · 30/05/2019 12:15

I notice you said that you 'often' contribute. Perhaps people have noticed that you don't always?

Beautiful3 · 30/05/2019 12:49

This happened to me on my 30th birthday too! Afterwards when the next collection came round I just said, "no thanks, because I didn't get anything on my birthday." That was that!

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/05/2019 14:41

This is why i refuse to contribute to office 'pots' for things like this.
Over the years, i'm sure if i'd saved the amount of money i paid out i could have bought myself driving lessons and a car.
I refuse to participate anymore because i'm always the one who gets left out.
I got a leaving card and gift once - from people i didn't even work directly with but just chatted with during the day!
That felt great!

Antigon · 30/05/2019 15:09

@IvanaPee

Some of you are being very harsh!

People forget things. You got your present, just a bit later. Is it really that bad?

No she didn’t get a present! No one is being harsh, people are sharing their experiences. Are you even reading the thread?

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 16:23

That was in response to Angua who did get her present.

Indie139 · 02/06/2019 09:32

We used to do this at my workplace but it then fizzled out as people became tight with money, always same people contributing and always the same person making the effort to go and buy the stuff. Everyone always expected to receive something but when it came to putting money and going to buy stuff it was always a hassle for people. Maybe its just fizzling out now, if they do something for the next birthday that comes though id probably say something

Piggypiggyoinkoink · 02/06/2019 09:49

Belated Happy Birthday Flowers Cake

This happened to me last week also. My birthday was the Sunday, and it wasn’t a big birthday, but common practice for non major ones is everyone in the team puts in £1 and a cake and card are produced. There’s a sodding spreadsheet with everyone’s info on - I was hounded to provide my DOB for it!

Last month a panic email was sent out saying it was X’s birthday that day - a cake and card were still cobbled together for them.

I hate being the centre of attention, so by my own standards I should be happy to have had no fuss, but it feels unfair. It will be interesting to see if anything is said when the next birthday comes around.

Provincialbelle · 02/06/2019 10:32

Have you spoken to your manager?

plunkplunkfizz · 02/06/2019 10:52

Are you sure they’re not just doing it later. We have been known in my office to do a birthday up to a month late to make sure everyone is in to celebrate together and we’ve delayed by a fortnight on many occasions to accommodate holidays and gifts arriving late.

redwoodmazza · 02/06/2019 11:37

I'm still waiting for the cream cake from someone I worked with who bought them for everyone on her birthday, which was on a day I wasn't in. She said she would get me one a different day to make up. That was over 20 years ago - I guess she didn't specify exactly when she would get it...
I'm bloody retired now Shock.

She was renown for being 'frugal' mean.

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