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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about being left out at work?

71 replies

EllaBelle1990 · 30/05/2019 09:31

It was my birthday two days ago and I turned 30. We have a routine at work where everyone in our office (an office of 8) gets a cake bought for them, a joint card and a bag of presents- every birthday not just special ones. I often give money etc for the pot and always this has been fine.

I get on well with the women at work and we go for wine etc. Never been any squabbles. Well my birthday has come and gone and nothing?! No card no cake or anything. Normally I wouldn’t be so petty but I feel quite hurt. They are aware it’s my birthday as we have a list and they asked me before I left yesterday what my birthday plans were etc. I’m on annual leave for two weeks now so they aren’t planning anything either. I just feel so hurt. We are going abroad so not like I’m having a surprise party!

I know I probably need to grow up and it’s petty but everyone else whose celebrated this year has had the same treatment of cake, balloons, presents and card.

I’m not sure what I should do about it, if anything at all.

OP posts:

TheInvestigator · 30/05/2019 10:47

I'd wait until the next birthday and if someone raises it and mentions buying cake and present, I would then say "I didn't realise we were still doing that since everyone ignored my birthday. I won't be contributing". Then I would treat them as colleagues but not friends. They aren't your friends.

Babyduck3 · 30/05/2019 10:51

That's awful. I know exactly how you feel, my last birthday, no one bothered (including my OH) didn't get so much as a card from anyone except my mum. Months later and it still really upsets me, I felt childish and selfish but I don't think it's unfair to expect the same treatment you give to others.
I've decided I won't be bothering with anyone in the family anymore, except the children. I suggest you do the same with your colleagues, why should you make a effort when they can't do it for you.
Fingers crossed it was a oversight and they will do something after your leave!

ByeClaire · 30/05/2019 10:51

Yes very mean. As they asked what your birthday plans are then I’m not sure the “clearly forgotten/oversight” excuse washes? Because if they’d forgotten and then realised and they’re all kind souls, why didn’t someone say something like “we’ll celebrate in the office when you get back?” It’s your 30th, certainly worthy of a bit of a fuss.

I’d be very upset tbh and would probably say something to the person in the office I was closest to or to my manager. It affects team morale and trust and company loyalty.

milkshak3 · 30/05/2019 10:52

agree. that's easy - stop adding to the pot!

AdaShelby · 30/05/2019 11:01

I'd be really upset too

BumblePan · 30/05/2019 11:02

You poor thing! I have been in a similar type of situation and I was so hurt over it.
I talked to a good friend and she explained that they are work colleagues rather than friends. That helped me to come to terms with it and realise that it wasn't personal.
We have a good relationship at work and I now think that we are just a group of people working together but we may not share the same views and ideas.

Please don't let it take up too much head space. I wouldn't say anything to a manager, but I do agree with Brefugee on a PA comment at the next collection.
Happy birthday! I wish I was 30 again. Go enjoy yourself and celebrate with your loved ones.

floraloctopus · 30/05/2019 11:06

I wouldn't go to your manager, it's not an issue based on the work and is most likely an oversight or because it's just before pay day and you'll get a gift when you return. If not then don't contribute any more.

Fatted · 30/05/2019 11:09

TBH I had similar happen to me. It was also my 30th and I was also away. It wasn't malicious in my case. It was an oversight and when I returned, I was greeted with an apology and a lovely card and present.

You know the people who you work with, you know if there's other issues that would make you feel like you're being excluded in other areas. But if this is a one off, I wouldn't read too much into it until you get back.

If there's nothing when you get back, then don't be afraid of asking why you didn't get anything.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/05/2019 11:11

This happened to me; three years in a row. They also knew it was my birthday. Apparently it wasn't ever anything malicious, and they did have a card when I got back from AL on two occasions. They were just forgetful around my birthday

It does hurt, I'm sorry.

Smelborp · 30/05/2019 11:15

We once forgot my boss in a similar situation. It was just an oversight. They sent an email saying that there was a birthday tradition and it’s quite excluding to leave someone out. We rightly felt bad and rectified it straight away. You should raise it too.

MRex · 30/05/2019 11:16

Were you in work on your birthday or off all this week? I'm wondering if they plan to do something when you get back.

Halloumimuffin · 30/05/2019 11:17

This happened to me twice, once for my birthday and once where my supposed secret santa bought for someone else and I was stuck at the gift giving with nothing. I brought it up with a trusted and friendly manager who I had a sociable relationship with, not as a formal complaint, just mentioning it had made me feel a bit down. Next year I was spoilt - people are more often thoughtless than deliberately cruel.

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 11:18

Sounds like an oversight. I reckon you’ll have your gifts etc waiting for when you get back.

cooksomeeggs · 30/05/2019 11:19

Hugs op!!

DarlingNikita · 30/05/2019 11:23

Next time they ask for money say "I thought this had stopped, I didn't get anything" and see what is said.

That's very passive-aggressive. I like it

StormTreader · 30/05/2019 11:28

Ask them casually when they're planning to do your cake so you don't bring in too much of your own food on that day.

cillianswife · 30/05/2019 11:28

We used to do this at work. It was my 'job' to do the collection which I did. It came to my birthday and I brought a cake in as we did and it was obvious everyone had forgot. A crap card and a collection was quickly scambeled together so yes I got something but it was all rushed and quite embarrassing frankly!
I never did the collections for people again and when my colleague asked if I was going to do one for so and so whose birthday it was next, I said no and that I wouldn't be doing them again! We don't do them now thankfully

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 30/05/2019 11:29

I often give money etc for the pot and always this has been fine.

Often or always?

Bezalelle · 30/05/2019 11:30

It sounds like an exhausting (and expensive) set-up, to be fair. However, it's not fair that you've been excluded from the usual routine. Perhaps it's time for the routine to be stopped altogether.

Antigon · 30/05/2019 11:32

As there's only 8 of you, I would have a word before you go on annual leave. It's not an oversight, they clearly knew as they asked you about your birthday plans, so don't be passive and don't let them get away with it.

And no more giving to the pot if they don't rectify it.

Playmytune · 30/05/2019 11:40

We had a system at work where presents for special birthdays were bought out of coffee fund. However one year myself and 2 others got nothing. I did eventually mention it and someone said that I hadn’t been there that long (still over 5 years), whereas Susan (the last person to get a gift, which cost £50) had been there for over 20 years! Wasn’t particularly happy as those who were missed out had been paying into coffee fund for at least 5 years!
The following year everyone who had a special birthday got a gift, paid for out of coffee fund, even the receptionist who had NEVER paid into fund, but was best friends with person who looked after the money! The next time they asked me for my £10 I said I was coming out of fund, as did quite a few others and coffee fund collapsed! Still don’t know what happened to the £500+ outstanding in fund as organiser retired soon after!

drinkygin · 30/05/2019 11:40

I’m sorry OP. I’d be really hurt by this too. enjoy your annual leave x

IvanaPee · 30/05/2019 11:41

Retired with a £500+ golden handshake to him/herself I’d Imagine!

BuffySummerss · 30/05/2019 11:45

You're totally not being unreasonable! This happened to me for my 30'th as well. It's really spiteful actually if its done every year for everyone's birthdays!
My two closest work friends did get me a joint gift between them though. I just don't give to any more collections now. I didn't bring it up as I don't like confrontational situations. I would do the same if I was you. PP made a good point, next time you're asked to contribute say you didn't think it was happening anymore.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 30/05/2019 11:46

This happened to me, I'd put in a full year's worth of contributions for others (around £100 total) because I'd joined the firm just days after my last birthday, then I got nothing the next year. I refused to contribute after that and didn't care if it made me look petty, after all why should I care about the feelings of colleagues who clearly don't care whether they upset me?

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