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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that boys are just disgusting?!

98 replies

youcantchoosethem · 30/05/2019 09:20

Half term - just over half way through and I can’t wait til he goes back to school. Woke up this morning with a headache - stress related (works tough as well), and went into the bathroom, smelly wee on the seat which I didn’t check before sitting down. Put foot in wee too. Clean it, clean me, nag at DS 12 (13 in summer so Y8) and go downstairs. He has obviously already done a raid though this morning - bits of food over the kitchen tops, bin trying to close (it’s one of the electric opening ones) with a wrapper still half hanging out which just needed a push down, and he’s obviously made a hot chocolate because the drips and debris in evidence. I go back to his room and open the door to tell him off again and remind him to clean up after himself and I’ve had enough and the smell coming out of room is awful - so a rant comes out - open your window, have a shower (which you know will mean water and towels and old boxers on the bathroom floor) and clean up this bloody mess! My daughter (older) was always so clean! He is just disgusting!! Yes he does have some special needs (ADHD, DCD etc) and I give consequences - he’s limited on electronics, we’ve gone out for two days this week for activities for him and are out again today to London with tickets for BGT semi final tonight and he wants a new game - and I’ve said no you are not getting it until this room is tidy and you don’t leave things in such a state! What else can I do? Are all near teens boys like this?!

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 30/05/2019 10:38

No - absolutely not. There are some girls i know who are a billion times messier than what you have described - its not boys - its what their personalities are like and how theyve been brought up and corrected from an early age i think - we were always taught to clean up after ourselves etc and im teaching my children to do the same - my daughter at 4 learned that if she didnt bring her empty plate to the kitchen (not to load the dishwaher but just to place on top on the table top) then her plate would still be dirty the next say and where she left it - which means she could have breakfast (small table)The girls i know in question - their parents had a more 'free' approach to mess and let them do as they pleased, always cleaning up after them well into adulthood.

My brother is the cleanest, most tidiest person you will meet. I gate to say it - but i think parents might have a hand in this.

DesperadoDan · 30/05/2019 10:39

OldAndWornOut
No, she was just a typical teen, my stepdaughters rooms at their DM’s house were equally as filthy. I was just as bad too.
All 3 girls have turned out ok, all have their own homes which are kept tip top. 2 of them are DM themselves now and grumble constantly about toys everywhere.
Its a teen thing, some are clean and tidy and some are absolutely vile. From my experience they end up doing ok.

OldAndWornOut · 30/05/2019 10:40

My boy has been bought up exactly the same as the girl.
Exactly the same!

AlaskanOilBaron · 30/05/2019 10:41

I have 2 teenage boys and they are both disgusting. I don't have girls so not much of a comparison point, but I feel like I was pretty interested in having a clean bathroom, clean sheets, etc by 11 or 12.

I also think that girls' interest in clothes rather drives the whole organisation/tidiness thing. My boys are now interested in clothes but not nearly to the extent that my friends' girls are.

OldAndWornOut · 30/05/2019 10:42

My girls room was terrible as a teen (up to about 13 she kept it pristine)

The boys room is actually more tidy than hers was.

Its the other stuff that's so wearing.
Endless conversations about wee!

iMatter · 30/05/2019 10:42

YABU

I have 2 boys, 13 and 14 and they are nothing like your son.

It's not too late to address his behaviour.

Tobe123 · 30/05/2019 10:43

Don't stop at boys this could have been written about husband also!!! I am past nagging as it wears me down and talking hasn't helped so i think i've got to go into a put up and shutup life to stop hearing myself moan!! (I say this light heartedly)

Bbang · 30/05/2019 10:44

Could of written this myself OP! Absolutely lost my shit with DS8 this morn, sick to my back teeth of his pee all over the toilet seat!

I’ve made him clean it which I’ve never done before, he was not happy and he’s had his brand new Nintendo confiscated so he’s currently sulking in his room. I care not. He needs to learn, I’ve always struggled with him he has good and bad patches when it comes to hygiene, we are currently going through a bad patch as you can tell.

I’m starting to punish now though as I’ve had enough, I’m not a skivvy to their mess and I’m sick of feeling like one.

Also just sent OH a moany text as just seen how he’s left the bloody kitchen!!!

Redpostbox · 30/05/2019 10:44

YABU. My boys are very clean and tidy. No bathroom mess. I taught them to be clean
and think of others.

bluebluezoo · 30/05/2019 10:45

My boy has been bought up exactly the same as the girl.
Exactly the same!

Well to start with it’s impossible to bring them up exactly the same. Even if you do, external messages from school, nursery, tv, shops etc will send a strong message that boys like messy play and girls wear lovely clothes they don’t get dirty.

Even so, just because you have a messy boy and a clean girl does not mean it’s their genitalia making it so. I could equally say blondes are disgusting, brunettes are clean as my blonde child is the messy one. Your personal experience does not extrapolate to the entire population.

Ravingstarfish · 30/05/2019 10:45

I think you need to toughen up, he’s 12. Old enough to use the toilet and clean up after himself. Also old enough to put a wash on, cook a meal and clean up after himself.
My boy is only 9 and I’m sure would live in filth if I let him. He’s autistic/pda/adhd etc and I’m trying to teach life skills including hygiene but it’s difficult when they don’t see an issue.

OldAndWornOut · 30/05/2019 10:47

I never said my personal experience extrapolated the whole population.
I just posted about my personal experience in response to the op.

floraloctopus · 30/05/2019 10:51

YABU. My son is nothing like that.

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/05/2019 10:53

Sounds exactly like my brother during teen years - also not being able to "find" things eg move other things if you can't instantly see it. Especially in the fridge "muuuuuuuuum where's the chheeeeeeese". It's literally behind one of the things you're mindlessly starting at.

Funnily enough as soon as he got his own place he became a houseproud "oi use a coaster Ffs" type 😂

He's lovely enough now but my god he was a dickhead teenager!

cjpark · 30/05/2019 10:56

I don't have any girls, so can't compare, but my DS are not like that! In fact DS1, yr9, is currently upstairs ironing, (DS2 is still in bed, but he's younger.) I reward them for doing chores with their pocket money. If they do more chores, their money goes up, less and its deducted.
Both boys are expected to lay the table for meals and load dishwasher. They also have to make their bed, open their bedroom windows and empty their bins and numerous mugs / plates everyday. It takes them 5 mins. In the evening they are expected to place laundry in the washing bins.

huuskymam · 30/05/2019 11:02

I had this with the pee a few years ago when my son was about 12. No matter how many times I'd tell him to check when he was finished, I always found a mess. Until I started calling him to clean up his mess just before I'd need to go. Didn't matter what time it was, or what he was doing, he got called to clean and bleach it. His mess soon ended after that started.

bumblingbovine49 · 30/05/2019 11:05

My ds is like this so I am going against the grain of this thread here. He does however clean things/tidy them if asked. He just NEVER does it off his own bat.

The only exception to this is cleaning the bathroom every Saturday as e has been doing that as 'his job' for about 3 years now (he is 14) so he tends to remember that is his job and very occasionally does it without being reminded.

The bathroom used to smell much worse in the week so he seems to be avoiding the 'spraying' scenario as he gets older and is reminded more

As for his room, it does always smell a bit but that just seems to be the odour of 'teenager' which is wearing off a bit as he comes out of the other side of puberty but is definitely still there a bit even when the room is clean and aired.

SignOnTheWindow · 30/05/2019 11:08

Well, my DD at 9 has a filthy bedroom, could cultivate new species in her crevices, and has left both piss and shit on the toilet seat. I practically have to wrestle her into the bath. She also picks her nose and eats it whenever she can get away with doing so. Grim.

At university, I shared a house with 2 girls and 3 boys. Let's just say it wasn't the boys who had mice nesting in their bedrooms.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 30/05/2019 11:10

Tbh this could well be the dcd though as they need a lot of help with planning skills as well as coordination

youcantchoosethem · 30/05/2019 11:10

Sorry couldn’t reply earlier as was trying to get said DS out of the house and on our way to London! Oh my god - trying to find something decent to wear was a major battle - even though washing and ironing are all up to date - opened his wardrobe and just piled up randomly where he’s thrown them in there hoping I wouldn’t find out!

Thank you for all the replies - especially the sympathetic ones and the stories that show DD’s are just as bad! I was lucky with my DD!

I did though do a lot with him as a young child to clear up and we would play washing up etc and he does know how to do things, it’s just like in the last year or two his blinkers have gone on and he can’t “see” the problem! This morning did end up with a rant - hands up on that one - normally I do tell him calmly and also do say things like “you know if you leave dirty plates/cups/wrappers in your room you will get ants/bugs/mice/rats in your room” and if he’s sick then maybe he should consider how his room is and that may be a contributing factor etc. I do also get him to regularly clean up after himself - he does it but doesn’t then see it as an issue the next time, or the next, or the next!

I just get fed up with nagging and pulling him up on it - I said this morning can’t we just have a day where we can just have a nice conversation without having to pull you up on something?

He just doesn’t seem to see a problem these days!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 30/05/2019 11:13

Others can see it because we're not close to it.

It's a cycle
DS makes a mess, pees on the seat whatever.
You go tell him off
Then you go clean up the mess yourself.

All he has to do is tune you out because he knows you'll just clean up after him.

Sure it's easier to do yourself but then you're not teaching him anything.

So every time you have to make him clean it up. Every single time like a broken record. He doesn't do it. He can miss an activity or fun thing.

He needs regular chores around the house that he is responsible for. Like one day hoover, Another day do the washing up after tea.

The lesson is that everyone contributes to the family and the household.

youcantchoosethem · 30/05/2019 11:15

@tomorrowillbeachicken yes it does have a factor. His balance and coordination are poor (2nd centipede overall) and he has dyscalculia too which means timing and planning as well are particularly poor. Do try to get him to sit down on the loo to help and I know it also does mean he is clumsy with making drinks and spillages - I am normally much more patient and understanding - it just makes some days (and with the headache) I just ran out of patience!

OP posts:
youcantchoosethem · 30/05/2019 11:15

Lol! Centile spellcheck corrected to centipede

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 30/05/2019 11:16

What about when you do that every single time, Ranty, and it makes no difference?

They're teenagers. I refuse to clean up their piss and shit. They still do it.

Yougotdis · 30/05/2019 11:19

I would be coming down form on this but given his needs with a lot of support.

1- he pissed on the floor and seat and didn’t clean it. He doesn’t get the game he wants. Ever. That’s disgusting and he needs a firm consequence.

2- tomorrow between the two of you you go through his room and make it manageable. Maybe he needs a massive declutter to help him manage him space.

3- from no on if he’s made a mess he gets called back on the spot and cleans it.

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