'D'P gone mad - is he right to demand this?

[MoodyMargaret11]

Hello everyone, I have seen lots of threads on here with very helpful and supportive responses, so thought I might post too for advice. Sorry for the length, my mind is all jumbled from the stress but still try to keep it coherent. Relationship between "D"P and me has been quite rocky, volatile and unpleasant for awhile. We have had some relatively happy periods but short lived, and overall I feel he is weighing me down. Yesterday I tried speaking to him about the possibility of me having to leave with my 2 DCs (one of which is also his child). I said that I would like to give myself some financial security and so would prefer that we split expenses, rather than pay my whole salary into his account (which is what I've been doing this far as he was the one who took care of all the bills). He got really angry and shouted some horrible, disgusting things, took my car keys knowing that I wouldn't be able to go to work in the morning. Kept coming back and making me feel horrible, very aggressive verbally. Threatened to call the police if I didn't give him my key to our bedroom (it has a lock) and kept recording our conversations on his phone for "evidence in court". Absolutely insane, I barely managed to sleep for a couple of hours due to the stress of it all.

Today he said that I must pay for half of everything, I pointed out that wouldn't be fair as he makes about 30K more than me per annum. He also has DCs from previous marriage, and chose a bigger house to rent in order to accommodate them better.
The cherry on top: He insists that I pay 2 months worth of childcare for our DS (well my half of it) as when we first sent him to nursery we had to pay 1 month upfront. Well he paid that because up to that point I was a SAHM, so no income. He knows full well that I can't afford paying for 2 months. I asked if I could pay later, His response was that if he didnt get the 2 month payments NOW, he would not pay the nursery at all and DS will get kicked out.
Obviously that will cause major problems as I need to keep my job :(((
Do you think he is correct in demanding me to pay so much? Does being a SAHM count for anything at all?

I'm terrified of what will happen next, he has prepared (already!) a letter to the estate agent with a move out date end of June. The house is too expensive for me to rent on my own so I'll have to be gone by then too.

See a solicitor pronto and go through your finances and rights and find an affordable new place for you and DC.
You need to get away from this abusive relationship. And if you have anyone you trust, mum, friend, whoever - fgs tell them what's happening to you. He is abusing and frightening you. This is the time to ask for help.

He is abusive. There is no other way to describe what you have written.

I can't put it any more simply than that.

Please call a professional for advice like women's aid.

You absolutely deserve much better than this.

Get yourself a bank account asap. Redirect your salary into it although it's probably too late for this month. Do you have access to his bank account? I am guessing not.
You need good legal advice quickly.

I'm sorry you are having to share a home with this abusive prick. Contact Women's Aid in the morning and they will be able to help you with recommendations for lawyers and other support.
Try to keep things calm while you get your plans sorted out, but if this worthless shitbag ramps up the aggression and you think you or the children are going to be hurt, call the police.

Speak to Women's Aid. Find your local agency that supports people experiencing domestic abuse.

Is this the first time you have been abused by him, or is that what you refer to as "rocky"?

Your salary goes into his account at the moment - do you have your own account? If not, get one immediately.

The council will help to house you as a victim of domestic abuse, but depending where you live, it may take a while and be b&b in the short term. Or they might help you with a deposit for a private let. Speak to the council and explain the situation, mentioning domestic abuse.

Now that he knows you want to leave, you are in a more vulnerable position. Tell people you trust and build a support network. Call the police if you don't feel safe. If you feel unsafe in the house, they will find you and the children a place in a refuge.

In terms of the money - it sounds like he already has everything you earn - where does he think you are going to get more money from?

I suspect he has no intention of sending his draft letter to the EA.

Does being a SAHM count for anything at all?

Sadly not much financially. It will make you the primary carer but you really need to get legal advice re finances.

Where does the OP say she is a victim of domestic abuse. It sounds like a heated exchange and not a physical one.

You are trying to establish the start of some financial rules. He is angry. We only hear one side of the story. You need to take some professional advice to clarify and set out the initial steps.

Immediately stop paying your salary into his account. Just stop the standing order. He doesn't even need to know that you are doing this. Put it in your own account and if you don't have one, get one. Keep car keys on your person at all times. Pack an emergency bag so you can leave at a moment's notice. Confide in family / friend and have somewhere to flee to. Are you sure you can't afford the house, even with benefits? Because I'd just lock him out, change the locks. Call police if he gives trouble.

Poppy Just because he is not hitting her, doesn't mean he is not abusive. Which he is, 100 per cent. OP, follow the advice of other posters and contact Women's Aid immediately and get some sound advice on how to go forward with things. You do not deserve this. I wish you and your children the best of luck.

Poppy You are the one in desperate need of professional advice if you think what the OP has posted isn't crystal clear 100% abuse! You don't need a physical confrontation for abuse. You have verbal,emotional and financial abuse and also quite possibly unlawful restraint or kidnapping if he was forcing his way into a locked room and preventing her from leaving.

Can I ask why you discussed with him leaving and taking his child? He's obviously taken it very badly and is 'lashing' out in the only way he knows how to try and keep control. I've been there.

I agree with all the above posts - ensure your salary is yours, cancel any money you give to him entirely and speak to the nursery about what is happening. Call womens aid also.

He is reacting in anger and also hurt, he is trying to control the only things left he has control of, it's not that much of an uncommon reaction.

Be firm on your stance now - you are leaving and take all the advice given to make sure you can with as little upset to the children as possible - definitely call womens aid. That said, you have dealt him probably the biggest blow in his life and he is trying to control the only things left he has control of.

Because financial abuse is just as ‘abusive’ as physical abuse, or emotional abuse, or sexual, or social, etc.

What the OP is going through now,íis a very well worn path of financial abuse. The OP needs our support, not minimisiakkf

Oops sorry DS is up and squashing the keyboard around a hug!

That should read... the OP needs our support, not minimisation or excuses for the awful way her partner thinks he can get his own way.

I'm not sure what you expected him to do tbh - I agree that the taking the car keys is abusive (I don't really understand the bedroom lock thing)- but financially he's just pushing back on you so rather than having everything managed as a pot (albeit in his bank account) - you have said that you want to keep your salary and just pay part of the expenses and he is retaliated by saying yes but you have to pay half of everything (which you can't afford) - is this right?

I think you need to seek legal help as to what your children are financially entitled to but it may be a battle and not quickly resolved.

If you didn't/don't have access to the bank account where the family money sits that's possibly abusive but that seems to be what you are changing from.

Splitting up may entail a fall in life style because now the same money has to support two households so unless there was spare money before it is hard to see how you could have the same house.

Stay calm. If you P has a video of him yelling at you and you staying calm it won’t see the light of day in court because it will prove that he is abusive.

Get your pay moved. Stop discussing paying back the child care fees. They are paid, end of story. You at least have the 2 months paid so you can work and get back control of your finances.

Please call the police if he starts threatening you again. I’d be tempted to call them and explain the situation, so they have some background because this is clearly abuse.

Ignore posters saying it’s not abuse

It might be wise to backtrack rather than confront, get him back to thinking things are back to normal and make your plans to leave under the radar. Leaving is a flashpoint for all levels of abusive relationships and it's an argument you won't win - he will never agree he's being unreasonable, so no point in trying. Just get your life ready to take shape the way that is best for you and DC. Support in rl from NHS counselling maybe - you get six weeks for free and you refer yourself. A trusted friend with no vested interest. Read Bancroft Lundy's "Why does he do that" - don't have it lying around obviously though! It will be an eye opener for you. Most of all take care and be very careful.

I agree that you need to cease the transfer of your wages into his account.

By all means, have a joint account where joint expenses are deducted from, but there is no reason at all unless you are avoiding creditors for your earnings to go into someone else's account.

Things are pretty grim if you have to lock yourself in your bedroom! Where were the children during all of this?

You both need help, at a bare minimum you both need to see a budgeting advisor and at the other end, a counsellor if you both want the relationship to continue positively.

good luck!

People saying that this isn't abuse need to leave the thread. It absolutely IS abuse, no question there.

Separate your finances out. You need a separate account and to redirect your own salary into it. It certainly shouldn't be paid into an account you don't have access to.

You should contact Women's Aid for help dumping this complete arsehole.

You are being abused. Please proceed with caution and your eyes wide open - YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. You need to leave asap.

You and your DC will be just fine without him, you don't need him. Be strong for the DC and get some support OP. Good luck

This is coercive and controlling behaviour and as such is a criminal act. Contact your payroll asap to get your salary redirected to another account. If you don't have one, open one asap. Let Nursery know what is happening as he may well stop payments to them as a means of control. Contact your local Women's Aid centre asap. If he has given notice to your landlord you may well be homeless, let your local council housing know this.

He’s filming her without consent, shouting horrible abusive things, he’s taken her car keys. I would feel frightened and abused there. If others wouldn’t then I’m afraid they need to take a look at their own relationships!
You are just going to have to move quickly and sort your money. You may have been better doing that earlier. Solicitor required also.

I can’t really add anything that hasn’t been said above. You are right to be very upset. Tread carefully with this man but seek advice ASAP. You need help and there are services to help you. You’ll get through it.

Definitely seek advice OP. You seem to be caught in a vicious circle and I think (although you weren’t to know) the rule of thumb is not to discuss money or your plans with an abusive partner.
You are handing them the power and showing your weakness, which they will exploit in their anger.

He an abusive twat. Do you have access to his account at all?