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AIBU?

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Original poster

'D'P gone mad - is he right to demand this?

59 replies

MoodyMargaret11 · 30/05/2019 00:39

Hello everyone, I have seen lots of threads on here with very helpful and supportive responses, so thought I might post too for advice. Sorry for the length, my mind is all jumbled from the stress but still try to keep it coherent. Relationship between "D"P and me has been quite rocky, volatile and unpleasant for awhile. We have had some relatively happy periods but short lived, and overall I feel he is weighing me down. Yesterday I tried speaking to him about the possibility of me having to leave with my 2 DCs (one of which is also his child). I said that I would like to give myself some financial security and so would prefer that we split expenses, rather than pay my whole salary into his account (which is what I've been doing this far as he was the one who took care of all the bills). He got really angry and shouted some horrible, disgusting things, took my car keys knowing that I wouldn't be able to go to work in the morning. Kept coming back and making me feel horrible, very aggressive verbally. Threatened to call the police if I didn't give him my key to our bedroom (it has a lock) and kept recording our conversations on his phone for "evidence in court". Absolutely insane, I barely managed to sleep for a couple of hours due to the stress of it all.

Today he said that I must pay for half of everything, I pointed out that wouldn't be fair as he makes about 30K more than me per annum. He also has DCs from previous marriage, and chose a bigger house to rent in order to accommodate them better.
The cherry on top: He insists that I pay 2 months worth of childcare for our DS (well my half of it) as when we first sent him to nursery we had to pay 1 month upfront. Well he paid that because up to that point I was a SAHM, so no income. He knows full well that I can't afford paying for 2 months. I asked if I could pay later, His response was that if he didnt get the 2 month payments NOW, he would not pay the nursery at all and DS will get kicked out.
Obviously that will cause major problems as I need to keep my job :(((
Do you think he is correct in demanding me to pay so much? Does being a SAHM count for anything at all?

I'm terrified of what will happen next, he has prepared (already!) a letter to the estate agent with a move out date end of June. The house is too expensive for me to rent on my own so I'll have to be gone by then too.

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 30/05/2019 06:22

You showed your hand too early. If you'd already got things in place you could have left and not been around to witness his anger. Instead you'll need to make plans to leave asap.

You aren't married I presume. Are there savings? Is the deposit money on the current rental half yours?

You need to be proactive. Stop your wages going into his account. Find somewhere to rent/ stay and notify the property agent that you are moving out. Then let him decide whether he's staying but it won't be anything to do with you. Can you move in with family or friends temporarily whilst you save a deposit? Check out benefits you are entitled to. Take a photo of any savings you have and seek legal advice. If you aren't married and they are in his name I'm not sure of your position.

If you hadn't told him you were leaving you'd have had more time but you need to move quickly now. See citizens advice for help.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 30/05/2019 06:26

Where does the OP say she is a victim of domestic abuse. It sounds like a heated exchange and not a physical one.

Abuse doesn’t just mean being hit. You must know that?

OP, stop paying your salary into his account right away - as in today. Speak to women’s aid. If you have a friend or a relative you can stay with, go to theirs with your child. Get away from this man, and then when you are safe, initiate divorce proceedings.

Veterinari · 30/05/2019 06:31

Where does the OP say she is a victim of domestic abuse. It sounds like a heated exchange and not a physical one.
@Poppyinafieldofdreams - go educate yourself rather than give the OP dangerously misleading advice
The UK government’s definition of domestic abuse is:
’any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to psychological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional.’

I would suggest that the OP’s husband is both coercive and controlling financially and emotionally. Who genuinely thinks it’s reasonable to control another adult’s entire salary? And to threaten and rage when that adult decides they want some financial autonomy?

OP
Seek legal help ASAP, and get your salary paid into your own account!

Original poster
MoodyMargaret11 · 30/05/2019 06:35

Thank you all for all the strong advice and compassion! I feel abused and see the abuse clearly, but when he starts citing how much I owe him and what I "Must" pay him I feel like a lecturer school girl (to put it lightly). He did return the car keys the next morning and later simply said "but I gave them back" (I.e. no harm done in his eyes). He is very delusional, thinking he is right to be nasty. I told him he was abusive and all I hear is "No, you are abusive because x,y,z" (clutching at any minor "examples" he can think of).
I haven't given him anything for this month yet- which is why he is raging. I don't have a special set up, just a regular account through which I would manually transfer each month. I want to pay my fair share but he is not approachable - just shuts me up, says something nasty and walks away.
Unfortunately, my family lives far away, but they have said they will try to help with money towards deposit. Womens Aid said i could at any point ask for a refuge (but yes b&b and I'm concerned about a random location as my eldest is in primary school). But it is an option at least. I have been through the benefits calculator and looks like I am entitled to Universal Credit plus other stuff. So my situation might not be as bad if this is correct.

Those of you who said I shouldn't have mentioned my plans to him are completely right, I was clearly not smart about it. I thought of not telling him but then I also thought, he'll probably realise that I've withheld money and it's better to talk it out. Originally he suggested that he give me a loan to cover moving costs, and I still transfer him my money. I said no, as it just seems a way to control me further.

Anyone in a similar situation want to share their experience and how they got out?

Thanks again for all your support!!!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 30/05/2019 06:35

Don’t say anything more to him about leaving but in the background get your finances in order to leave.
Start with your salary going into your account, ask a friend or family member to hold on to important documents like passports (maybe spare car key as well). If you had to leave quickly is there anyone you can stay with for a couple of weeks?
Work out how much you will earn by yourself and if you’ll have tax credits so you know what you can rent and get on that ASAP. I’d also talk to the nursery manager as you may find that they’ll be able to give you a bit of time to pay if they know the situation ahead of time.
See if you can take a photo of his payslip so you can be clear how much child maintenance you’ll get

user1493413286 · 30/05/2019 06:37

I got out by doing pretty much the above; planned it all quietly then left once it was all in place. I did have help from my family though both financially and practically

lazymare · 30/05/2019 06:59

If you have to be out by the end of June then that's only 5 weeks. You should be looking for somewhere now. It's a lot of money to find upfront though. Are you on the waiting list for a council house? If not then I would make that your priority.

lazymare · 30/05/2019 07:00

Also, speak to the nursery and warn them. They won't just take away your son's place.

lazymare · 30/05/2019 07:01

And you can lodge a benefits claim today to say you are now single but living in the same house. I think that's right - someone here will know.

sueelleker · 30/05/2019 07:22

So he's going to phone the police to tell them you've locked him out of the bedroom?

ptumbi · 30/05/2019 07:36

Stop talking to him.
Stop giving him any money.

Get legal advice.

Leave. But FGS don't give him advance notice of this - he is probably one of those who will get violent when there is nothing else to lose. Speak to WA for advice on this. You don't always have to go into a refuge.

rwalker · 30/05/2019 07:42

You need to separate asap from your post sounds like you told him you want to split but not a financial one . Comes across as you want him out but still expect the same finical set up as now.
He see it as if you want to be seperate he's no longer finically liable for you and you pay half

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/05/2019 07:43

As others have said, get a bank account i your name and have this on stand by so you can get your wages paid into that.
Who’s name is on the tenancy agreement. If it’s just him, happy days and you can look for somewhere more affordable and simply move, if it’s both of you then have a conversation with your land lord.
Put away with friends or family the important docs such as both certificates and passports for you and dc.
Do t mention it again to him until you are ready to move, then tell the police beforehand and explain the situation. They will help, as will Womens aid

FermatsTheorem · 30/05/2019 07:49

The pattern of him minimizing what he's done then saying "but you do Xyz(totally trivial) things so you're just as bad" (you're not, just to be clear) is such a classic abuser technique that it even has a name.

DARVO - deny, attack, reverse-(the-positions-of)-victim-and-offender.

Worth googling (as is Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?"). I agree with pp - go quiet on him while you sort everything out on the quiet - copies of bank statements, important documents like passports and birth certificates, see a solicitor, try to get a pot of money together for the running away fund and a deposit on a new flat for you and the two DC. As others have said, the most dangerous time in terms of relationships is when the abuser realises you're planning to leave/have just left

7yo7yo · 30/05/2019 07:56

Can you go back to where your family are?

HomeMadeMadness · 30/05/2019 07:56

Please call woman's aid. You need to find a safe way to extricate yourself from this abusive man.

3luckystars · 30/05/2019 07:57

Immediately stop paying money in to his account.
If your job is paying your salary in to this account, then get on to your salary department today and ask them in writing to pay your salary in to a sole account.

Don't discuss this with him.

When he notices and questions this, say you can set up a joint account in both names and the fees are cheaper.

You need to lie, divert his attention, and stay silent to protect yourself until you can escape.

You are in a very dangerous situation.

Do whatever you need to to get out safely. Good luck.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 30/05/2019 08:13

are you sure he has sent a letter to the EA? can you call them and check, I wouldn't believe anything he says as he is trying to control the situation.

Maryjoyce · 30/05/2019 08:26

Keep all our salary and use it to fund new home and that way you can move quickly

Mix56 · 30/05/2019 08:33

This is very clearly a coercive abusive situation.
I felt fear for you just reading your post.
Yes, make sure your salary goes to a personal account with no paper statements, if you have one, change the log in.
Go undercover as of today, do what needs doing without him discovering. If you don't have the money he demands, tell him you don't have it. How does he expect you to repay a loan ?
Go to the CAB & explain & ask what rights you have & what can be done to get you & your 2 DC housed. then follow their advice.
It will seem overwhelming, but you tackle one step at a time.
Tell people in real life, tell your Mum, tell anyone who your trust & (obv will not tattle to him or their partner who will tell him.
If you can move back to your home town, consider is this possible ? can you transfer your job ?
When he out, get copies of his salary slip, bank statement, savings, pension,
remove Birth certs & passports & all your important documents from the house
Change your private passwords for phone, computer, SM

You do not want this big house, it is too big for 3 people. you will not be able to pay the rent.

supersop60 · 30/05/2019 08:34

Op - as so many have said - you need to get proper help, and you are going to have to be devious about it. Pretend, lie, go quiet, so he thinks you've changed your mind, and in the meantime work fast.
get YOUR salary paid into YOUR account (a new one in a different bank) and get legal advice.
poppyinafieldofdreams - this is abuse. See pp and keep up. Dangerous opinion from you.

SunshineCake · 30/05/2019 08:38

Maybe moving far away, back to family, would be better. School is not a reason to stay when this is the life your children are having.

Take his actions seriously. When he realises you are trying to leave he will make your life, and therefore that of your children, much much worse.

cosytoaster · 30/05/2019 08:44

And you can lodge a benefits claim today to say you are now single but living in the same house. I think that's right - someone here will know

I did this, they paid it without any hassle at all and given that Universal Credit can take weeks to sort out the sooner you claim the better.

Also agree that you need to see a solicitor and start looking for somewhere to move to. Keep everything secret....lots of good advice above.

CruellaFeinberg · 30/05/2019 08:44

Log out of mumsnet and clear your cookies. You dont want him finding this thread

FermatsTheorem · 30/05/2019 08:46

Re. getting your salary paid into your account - move fast. Most big firms have a "payroll date" mid month, and changes have to be made before then. So get a new bank account set up this weekend (it may take up to a week for it to "go live") then inform your work ASAP. That way your salary for June ought to go into your new account.