'D'P gone mad - is he right to demand this?

[MoodyMargaret11]

Hello everyone, I have seen lots of threads on here with very helpful and supportive responses, so thought I might post too for advice. Sorry for the length, my mind is all jumbled from the stress but still try to keep it coherent. Relationship between "D"P and me has been quite rocky, volatile and unpleasant for awhile. We have had some relatively happy periods but short lived, and overall I feel he is weighing me down. Yesterday I tried speaking to him about the possibility of me having to leave with my 2 DCs (one of which is also his child). I said that I would like to give myself some financial security and so would prefer that we split expenses, rather than pay my whole salary into his account (which is what I've been doing this far as he was the one who took care of all the bills). He got really angry and shouted some horrible, disgusting things, took my car keys knowing that I wouldn't be able to go to work in the morning. Kept coming back and making me feel horrible, very aggressive verbally. Threatened to call the police if I didn't give him my key to our bedroom (it has a lock) and kept recording our conversations on his phone for "evidence in court". Absolutely insane, I barely managed to sleep for a couple of hours due to the stress of it all.

Today he said that I must pay for half of everything, I pointed out that wouldn't be fair as he makes about 30K more than me per annum. He also has DCs from previous marriage, and chose a bigger house to rent in order to accommodate them better.
The cherry on top: He insists that I pay 2 months worth of childcare for our DS (well my half of it) as when we first sent him to nursery we had to pay 1 month upfront. Well he paid that because up to that point I was a SAHM, so no income. He knows full well that I can't afford paying for 2 months. I asked if I could pay later, His response was that if he didnt get the 2 month payments NOW, he would not pay the nursery at all and DS will get kicked out.
Obviously that will cause major problems as I need to keep my job :(((
Do you think he is correct in demanding me to pay so much? Does being a SAHM count for anything at all?

I'm terrified of what will happen next, he has prepared (already!) a letter to the estate agent with a move out date end of June. The house is too expensive for me to rent on my own so I'll have to be gone by then too.

You pay your salary into HIS bank account? Wtf? He's a nasty bully and the sooner you get away from him, the better. And yes, financial abuse is now a criminal offence. You'll obviously have to go and rent a little place for yourself and the dc if you can.

In yesterday's DDM there was a story from a woman living in a beautiful house, nice clothes, holidays etc but she didn't have a penny for herself - couldn't go for coffee or lunch with her friends because her H wouldn't give her any money. So sad.

I have been where you are, OP.

I went to my bank, explained the situation and got a new bank account set up in my own name.

Like you, I had discussed splitting up. Like you, the situation escalated quickly. In the end, I packed what I could in my car, and escaped with my child while he was out. A friend had a relative who was overseas and I borrowed that house for a couple of weeks while I found a rental. Family helped me out financially to get a deposit.

Thanks again everyone, massive support on here, I am very moved. No, he clearly doesn't see himself as the abuser, and fervently believes that I am the abusive one (now, I may not be an easy person to live with, but have never ever done anything equivalent to his BS).

Very good advice I'll definitely follow - regarding the being secretive part and perhaps lull him with false passivity. I will try to avoid confrontation to keep things normal for the kids.

I also tried calling Universal Crefit on my lunch break but couldn't get through to an adviser. Will ring again to confirm whether I can start claiming before I've physically moved out. What the two PPs mentioned about it sounds promising though.

It is very overwhelming and I have talked to my mum who is willing to help and even come over, but she doesn't live here (all my family are overseas). So I don't have the luxury of picking up and going to her house down the road. But I will try to visit CAB as well and see if there's anything they can do.

Oh and yes, the controlling bit about the estate agent letter - apparently not sent yet as he is "willing to hold off" to do ME a favour!

It sounds like you have a good handle on things here op.

I'm always amazed at the amount of posters on here immediately suggesting to go straight to Women's Aid.

They're a very limited charity and look after the most vulnerable and at risk women and children.
They don't have the capacity for all of MNs victims of arsehole men. Honestly.

It's become the new 'Log it with 101'

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation.

Squirrel away as much money as you can to get out of this awful situation. Your DCs should not have to witness this sort of behaviour. He is really abusive (the taking your keys to stop you going anywhere is appalling) and sounds very calculating into the bargain.

I'd recommend you keep a few clothes, toiletries etc stashed away so that you can get out quickly if you need to, if things escalate.

Good luck.

Whilst I sympathize, there is an oddness to this.

Abuse aside (which, based on the fact you're both accusing each other of being abusive and we only have your side of events), I couldn't have ever foreseen a situation where you could approach a partner, male or female, and tell them you want to reduce the amount of money you contribute to the family so you can move out. It's a bit of a double wammy, and I wouldn't be particularly happy myself. Especially given that he sounds like he does most of the contributing. It's an odd thing.

Anyway, hope it works out.

Shimmering it's not so odd given that he makes literally 30K more than me per year- so yes, he will be doing most of the contributing. And the only reason I want to give less is to be able to afford moving out (whilst still contributing).

It is abuse, just not physical abuse

However it does seem like it spiralled when you said you were going to leave (which in fairness is when most abuse does increase) as soon as you gave that as a reason for wanting your own account you basically ended the relationship but expected it to continue as before - which was never going to happen - you need to get out now

I cannot add anything that others have not already said here.

But please be careful, even as soon as you have changed that account, be ready to go! Keep your petrol tank full, take some spare clothes to work and ask if you can use the work safe to store your passport, birth certificates and anything else of value in the short term.

He is a control freak (not a partner) and he will be watching whether you realise it or not.