Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What to say to distraught DD regarding “friends”

51 replies

Neapolitanicecream · 29/05/2019 18:45

So DD and friends have all got their Festival tickets all good, she was really looking forward to it. But recently a couple of the girls have started to say to DD it not her thing and she would not enjoy it. She has insisted that yes it’s her thing and she really looking forward to it. She said to them that “it sounds like you don’t really want me to go” they assured her they did. She got very upset and each said girl A and Girl B that the other doesn’t want her to go ! anyway they apologised all good so I thought. Then activity arranged for the group by girl A DD really looking forward but was told at the last minute it was cancelled by girl A. But it wasn’t and was streamed on Social Media by girl B and sent to DD. DD is in the middle of public exams but this has really upset her. She lost all confidence and is really upset and keeps saying she has no real friends and long summer ahead. I don’t know how to support her.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 29/05/2019 18:47

Oh your poor kiddo. That really sucks. I don't know what you can do, other than being her sounding board, and her cheer person.

Daffodil2018 · 29/05/2019 18:50

Christ, poor girl. Teenage girls can be such bitches. Has she asked girl A why she lied about the activity being cancelled?

I'm not sure what to suggest either. I'd give her the option to sell her festival ticket and spend the money on something fun she would like to do with you - whether that's shopping or windsurfing or whatever. Hope things work out for her.

dreamyspires · 29/05/2019 18:50

I bet by the time summers properly here they’ll all be friends again. The girl that posted that to your DD is nasty though.

Teaistheanswer · 29/05/2019 18:52

So sorry to hear that your DD is having a tough time with her friends. I know how hard it is for you too as I remember similar times with my DD, girls can be so mean. I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share but I'm sure someone will be along soon with some. Hope all sorts itself out especially at this important time for her.

HomeMadeMadness · 29/05/2019 19:01

Wow what nasty bitches are girl A and B. Poor DD.It's great that she has you as a sounding board. I don't think there's anything you can do other than support her. Unfortunately this is the kind of thing lots of people go through at one time or another.

bringbacksideburns · 29/05/2019 19:10

Girls friendships can be the absolute pits unless you are one of the lucky ones with a decent friendship circle around you.

I was lucky but my dd wasn't.
She is coming out the other side now but had her heart trampled on and has had the treat of seeing her ex 'best friend ' going out with her ex boyfriend.
Her entire friendship group has gone as a result and she now just has a few 'aquaintances' and maybe one old friend from another school she sometimes sees . She can't wait to go to college and start afresh.

My advice is to just build up her self esteem, find fun distractions to do with her and try and steer her towards other activities or hobbies, meeting new people and focusing on other friendships who won't treat her like this.

marcus2000 · 29/05/2019 19:26

If you can afford it send her to PGL for a week or so. Lots of activities and the staff really make sure everyone is included. Or how about Guides/Scouts/Sea Cadets? So sorry this has happened ...

Whocansay · 29/05/2019 19:27

They are bullies, not friends. She should cut them out entirely. If she lets them know she's upset, they will just enjoy her distress. They want the drama. I had this as a young teen. As soon as I realised that I could walk away, I did. It took their power away. They didn't like it. They tried to bully me several times after I'd left their group, but I ignored them, so they got nowhere. I made new friends soon enough.
How old is your DD?

If she cannot go to the festival with someone else, get her to sell the ticket and do something else fun with her. I would also encourage her to get a job over the Summer if she's old enough. She can meet other people that way and earn some cash at the same time.

You sound like a great mum.

Original poster

Neapolitanicecream · 29/05/2019 19:37

Thankyou for your support she’s 16 and in the middle of GCSE. Yes I think keeping her busy over the summer is a good idea but we can’t do a big holiday. She absolutely floored by this and has cried every evening, feel like a crap mum as everything I say is wrong and she rather desperate to be included with them despite the way they mess her around!. I keep thinking that The mums must know what they’re own DD are like ?

OP posts:

lightlypoached · 29/05/2019 19:39

She could try national citizen service ?

She might meet some nice people there

Serin · 29/05/2019 19:43

How cruel of them. I have no advice about what to say to them but would encourage her to focus on her exams and hobbies. If she takes up new activities new friends will come her way.
Niche sports like martial arts, rowing, sailing, even circus skills can come with a ready made social circle.
Army/Air/Sea cadets are great for making proper mates, as is the NCS scheme which should keep her occupied for a couple of weeks over summer.
Hopefully she can start again with new friends at sixth form college or university soon.

bringbacksideburns · 29/05/2019 19:51

My daughter is also doing GCSEs and was exactly the same . But she's finally realised it's not worth it and shes left them to it.

I also agree NCS is worth doing but you might be a bit late applying for this summer. Look it up on Facebook. My dd is doing it this year and my son did it two years ago and made lots of friends near his local area.

Kahlua4me · 29/05/2019 19:54

Your poor daughter. My dd is going through similar although she is younger. It’s tough watching them suffer and be sad.

We have worked on distracting dd and helping to build her confidence so that these so called friends don’t have the power to upset her. She has now made new friends as is much happier than she ever was with her other friends.

However, her old friends are not happy with this and initially ramped up texting her with their anger. It was going round in circles but seems to be dying down now so hopefully after half term all will be calm.

As somebody else said, do have a look at pgl and ncs. Also scouts or explorers depending on her age. They are all really good for making new friends out of school which may help your dd.

FairyAnn · 29/05/2019 20:00

Oh OP I do sympathise! The exact same thing happened to me at that age, orchestrated by my best friend no less.

I agree with other posters here, try and encourage her to join a club or group and make some new friends. I joined a weekend drama group and it was the best thing I ever did.

Mean girls like this don't change and she'll just end up getting hurt again if she stays hanging around with them.

Okwhereisit · 29/05/2019 20:06

Sympathies op, dd went through this her last three years at school, it's so hurtful and I remember I was so worried about her, she hardly left my side at one point as everyone seemed to have abandoned her at school. What helped a bit was finding a temp job and volunteering to take her mind off the girls at school and we kept telling her that this would pass, the world didn't revolve around high school. In the end she had a couple of girls to pass the time with for the last year of school and she only started to bloom when she went to uni as she has met so many like minded people. It will get better.

redspider1 · 29/05/2019 20:20

Tell their parents what their daughter's have been up to.
sorry for your DD but they are bitches and she is better without them.

nzeire · 29/05/2019 20:32

You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.

My son has just been dumped by his friendship group. It’s been horrific. I’m listening, hugging, talking... he seems to be bouncing back quicker than my daughter ever did, but still so very painful.

I’m sorry your daughter is going through this, all you can do is be there for her.

Original poster

Neapolitanicecream · 29/05/2019 20:33

Thankyou all she’s now refusing to go to prom as say she will have no one to hang out with it’s all so bleak. I am tempted to say something to one of the mums but DD has convinced me not to as she say the girl A will just twist it to the rest of the group. It’s just these were things that they have all been looking forward to all year and choosing dresses I feel sad for her ..let alone the costs

OP posts:

redspider1 · 29/05/2019 20:39

You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.

So true. I know I said tell their parents and I also know why your DD is against that. My youngest DD has had issues with her class and it's a girls' school too so it can be awful at times. Luckily there are a few nice girls and she sticks with them. When she has a bad day I try to remind her that people who try to make you feel bad are deeply unhappy/flawed/jealous and that helps her feel it's ;less personal.
The prom is a tricky thing though as it's such a rite of passage these days.
If you have the phone evidence of what they did and you feel you could approach a parent, I think I would.

titchy · 29/05/2019 20:45

Suggest she does NCS over the summer and meets new people there.

ANewDawn10 · 29/05/2019 20:46

Yanbu. What a bunch of bitches. Poor Dd. I would be so tempted to let their mothers know. Agree with pp keeping her busy

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 29/05/2019 20:52

I think if my daughter had done something like what girls A and B did I would like to know...

user1486131602 · 29/05/2019 20:59

My daughter has had the same....why do people assume that their kids don’t/won’t do things like this. Bitches!
None of those girls are your daughters friends. My daughter backed away from the group and stood her ground alone. It happened again, so I went up to the school and suggested that since they seem unwilling or incapable of doing anything, despite govt guidelines, I would be attending school with my daughter and the next person to bully or hit her would be slapped back by me personally! The head says: you can’t do that it’s abuse! I said: exactly! And since you have done nothing about them abusing my daughter, you won’t be able to do anything to me will you? The bullying stopped.
When the 2nd round of bullying started the girls had put it on socials, so I had a third party send it to me and I posted it on the school website for all to see!

I’m so sorry that this has happened, timing couldn’t of been worse!
Try and keep her busy and if it will help pm me and I’ll get my daughter to have a chat!
PS: the girls involved asked to join my daughters prom table as they have been dropped by others. She replied: why you don’t even like me, so no! Karmas a bitch too!

Huncamuncaa · 29/05/2019 21:25

It's difficult to know how to deal with mean girls but I would use the summer to try and build DDs confidence by mixing with different people her age and giving her lots of experiences she can talk about.

I remember being really jealous of a friend who seemed to have made a whole new set of friends from a drama course she did with a theatre one summer. It was only a week but she went on about it until about Christmas!

There are lots of volunteering opportunities for her age and they're great ways to make friends. Maybe look in Duke of Edinburgh award website? Summer jobs are good for growing confidence too.

If she's going to miss out on the festival maybe try and get hold of concert tickets for someone she likes? Or treat her to hair and make up and a photoshoot?

Geraniumpink · 29/05/2019 21:33

There’s festival volunteering you can do, that gets you in to festivals for free - although I am not sure of the age requirements. National trust volunteer holidays are cheap. A casual summer holiday job? Girls can be terribly mean to each other and it’s a long summer.

Flip

1 2 3