What to say to distraught DD regarding “friends”

[Neapolitanicecream]

So DD and friends have all got their Festival tickets all good, she was really looking forward to it. But recently a couple of the girls have started to say to DD it not her thing and she would not enjoy it. She has insisted that yes it’s her thing and she really looking forward to it. She said to them that “it sounds like you don’t really want me to go” they assured her they did. She got very upset and each said girl A and Girl B that the other doesn’t want her to go ! anyway they apologised all good so I thought. Then activity arranged for the group by girl A DD really looking forward but was told at the last minute it was cancelled by girl A. But it wasn’t and was streamed on Social Media by girl B and sent to DD. DD is in the middle of public exams but this has really upset her. She lost all confidence and is really upset and keeps saying she has no real friends and long summer ahead. I don’t know how to support her.

Is there absolutely no one else she can sit with at the Prom? It would be a shame to miss it because of this lot and it's the very last time the whole year get together.

My dd isn't particularly excited about her Prom. She will have to face seeing the ex boyfriend she was with for six months escorting her ex best friend ( who couldn't wait to take her place as soon as they split up, despite making fun of him the entire time she was with him) and also the boyfriend after that, who is all loved up too and has been quite nasty towards her. There are two after parties and shes going to the one they won't be at. But she's still going.

I hope she changes her mind. It would be sad if she missed out but understandable if too upsetting.

Exactly the same thing happened to my DD.

In her case both girls were really jealous of our DD.

One girls mum favoured her brothers. The other girls mum had a new boyfriend and was having lots of loud sex.

The bitches hated the fact that we love and had fun with our DD.

We just told our DD to cherish what we have and ignore them.

They made her life a living hell, particularly on social media. School did nothing. The school told all the girls to learn tolerance.

DD finally realised that ignoring them bothered them more than responding to them. What a break through that was.

They will never be friends again. Thank goodness.

Good luck.

I'm sorry your DD has had to deal with that.

Oh OP how horrible for her, unfortunately there isn't much you can do.
Hopefully she finds new like minded friends.
Is there any other groups she can go to the festival with.

That sort of thing happened to me in my teens. Just be there for her, don’t minimise her very hurt feelings but be reassuring that it won’t always matter.

I have a young daughter and I dread the friendship politics, I wasn’t good at it when I was a young girl, even less so now. It’s all so hurtful and nasty a lot of the time.

It’s so common. Happened to me at exactly the same age. What saved me is going to a completely different sixth form college where I made new friends and I also joined several outside college drama groups which helped me make different friends too. You’ve just got to hedge your bets and keep the social circle wide. Definitely recommend PGL. New friendships galore there

What are her plans for after her GSCEs? I had similar issues at that age but made great, new friends in the sixth form. This was made easier by the fact that none of my school 'friends' stayed on.

Oh, poor girl. My DD had an awful Y11 and missed her prom as well. It's really not the be all and end all. Could you perhaps arrange something on the day of prom she'd be interested in? Day out in a big city with shopping? Visit somewhere she'd like? Me and DD went to a spa hotel in Scotland and took a cousin a couple of years older and had a lovely time. Once prom was over she didn't give a shit about missing it as apparently there were loads of people on social media whinging about how awful it was because of all the drama. Like one lad was meant to take a girl and ended up snogging another girl and then 10 kids were kicked out for smuggling in weed etc. 2 girls who've had a rivalry since Year 7 decided to make prom their chance of having the last laugh and ended up destroying each others dresses, hair and makeup on the night. Fucking teenagers

Also, she should do NCS over Summer. DD did it last year because she wanted to be with people her own age over the Summer but had fallen out with all her friends. She made plenty of new friends (even a BF briefly) a few of whom she ended up going to college with. It's not for the outcasts. DD is a pretty, sociable girl who had just had bad luck over a friendship row in school. She couldn't be happier now and has a great social life. Y11 she spent hiding in the bathroom

Your DD has unfortunately got some shit on her shoes. Tell her to scrape it off.

NCS is great - see if you can find a place. My dd made some great friends.
Unfortunately that ‘cancelled’ thing happened to DS last year - I think his best mate was going through a weird phase/fell out with a mutual friend so both mutual and ds were left out. It’s all ok now so there may be a (crap) explanation. Not sure she should not go to the festival as things may have calmed by then.,

Bless her they sound a nasty pair of bitches. As for the festival i would see if DD can go with someone else or sell the ticket , chances are their behaviour will escalate there being away from home so to speak. The prom can DD go with someone else , i wouldn't let them make her feel she can't go but ultimately it is her choice.I would be speaking to the mum's i would have no problem doing that just to make them aware of what a nasty side their child has .

What horrible actions. I'd also be wary about attending the festival and any ramping up of the shitty behaviour- particularly if there's any risk they could abandon her or do something horrible to her at the festival.

Girls are horrible bitches. Dd last year at 16 fell out with one girl in her friendship circle 2 weeks before she was due to start college with them. One by one the rest of the group ditched her too until it came to the day before they were starting college and dd had a total breakdown and refused to go she couldn't face travelling their alone on the same train as them and doing the same course. She didn't know anyone so would be alone with her old group of friends sniggering. She was in a right state. I had to contact the college and tell them what had happened and they understood and told me to not worry about it and give it a few days. Dd went into depression. She found out her boyfriend cheated on her and she lost all her friends in the space of 3 weeks. She refused to get out of bed and wouldn't eat I had to drag her to go see her gp. She was given anti depressants and didn't get out of her bed for 9 weeks it was absolute hell. I had to give her her tablets and watch her take them because she wouldn't wake up to take them. She dropped out of college and found an apprenticeship just before Xmas. She's much better today but I'll never forgive those girls. She was so excited to start a new venture and make new friends and it got snatched away from her just because of a group of bitchy girls. Literally all her close friends are boys now, she has one girl friend but keeps her at arms length. Tbh she's better off that way.

Op I hope your daughters ok, it can really knock their confidence. Just try and be their for her as much as possible x

What horrible "friends" she has!

I'm only mid 20s so cant offer advice about parenting someone going through this but it wasnt too long ago I was around that age and my age would be for her to if at all possible try and attend a different college to them, eg if they were all planning on staying on at 6th form maybe she could try applying to a local college so that she can have a fresh start with a new group of people to make friends with?

Maybe suggest it to her that she could not tell them shes going elsewhere, and then have the upper hand and leave them floored when she goes elsewhere and theh didnt know about it, and shell probably make loads more friends there

show her this thread,or read off what some older woman are saying.that some girls at that age are bitches.we've all been there love and many had the basic identical script of whats happening to her happen to us by a friend A. but things change and if shes strong,if she is always herself and reacts to it with sass,reacts to it by turning to others and leaning on them,by knowing these girls just arent worth it or worthy of her.she will sruvive this and one day look bacl like we all are and think "what utter twats girls can be"
this isnt her.its has nothing to do with who she is.she is great.this is a bitter seed in those girls.dont let them win.dont waste any day,minutes.years on this behaviours.they do not own her joy.she does!

My dad always told me you don’t have real friends when I was a teenager and fast forward to being 31 and he’s pretty much right. You can have good friends but people you can actually count on for support when you need it I could count with one hand. Tell your daughter to keep her chin up, she’ll move on and meet new people as she ventures new horizons and some of those people will be worth her time and friendship but there will always be people who don’t.

Sorry this is happening to your DD. Just a thought, but might it be worth chatting to her tutor or head of year? I know they've officially left but, as a teacher I know we're all still keeping a really close pastoral eye on our yr11s as they do their exams. They might have ideas about the prom and whether she could sit with a different group or something. Carry on giving her your wonderful support and keep her focused on her revisi

*revision.

Your DD is by far the better person, they are childish immature and catty, I still see a group from my teens occasionally, some were awful and matured nicely, some are still bitter sods.
I went through lots of shit as a teen, I thought I'd permanently have an inferior complex, from bitching, stealing a boyfriend, snide remarks.
I grew into myself and became more confident when I started work, those days seem like a million years ago.
Eventually nice like minded people attract others, the mean ones stick together.

lucymegan Your poor DD, I felt upset on her behalf reading that, same as the ops dd. I’m so glad your dd got new friends. How can anyone be so nasty. “Do unto others as you would be done by”is something that seems to allude a lot of people these days.

Op, your Dd will get through this, and come out stronger the other side, bless her.

Are there more than 2 girls the group (Girls A&B)? If so, what are the others like? Do you know any of the mums?
Can you get your DD off social media?

bringbacksideburns thought you might like to pop over to our virtual cafe where we discuss Teen stuff.

NCS is fab, my son loved it and he really grew up in 1 week.

Feeling very much for you both!

In my Daughter's final year of schooling and during study leave, her (former) best friend messaged her to ask what she was doing while ''her'' newest school buddy put up on snap chat photos of the rest of the year group at her place, supposedly studying but clearly having a good time.

We live in the same road as this piece of work so it was no problem for DD to go had she been invited! I spoke to X BF's mother who assured me DD had been asked to come along... so yes they are prepared to lie.

Three years and different universities later, the X BF and her cling-on from the final year of schooling are no longer friends. I have blocked the one across the road from reading my FB posts (as DD had already done earlier in the piece) as she would always post the ''angry face'' at anything I wrote...

I have no idea what her intention was, apart from breaking up a friendship. I just put it down to a very immature and spiteful Girl and now a young woman who is not happy with her lot in life.

Keep supporting your Daughter, take her out and get pedicures done, go to the pictures together, take a drive, try a new place for lunch, walk your dog (if you have one) in a new place. She is going through a terrible time with these people and if you can balance other parts of her life with good, then it gives perspective and help for her not to dwell on the negative and spiteful actions of the few.

One thing that is a major improvement on my childhood is that your children have to confidence to confide in you. Well done.

I went through that sort of thing but totally on my own, it never even occurred to me to tell my mother.

I kept saying to my youngest sister who had these problems and now trying to teach my own DD ' no friends are better than bad friends'. I personally like my own company and these kind of things never bothered me. Tbh I wouldn't even have noticed if somebody did that to my but my sister being a sensitive soul did get affected. I can see that happening to my DD too. I have been telling her to surround herself with nice people. If they are not nice to her then she deserves better and shouldn't care much about what they do.

Tell your daughter to keep her head high. She did not bully anyone nor was involved in being mean to another girl. She is kind and sweet and these girls don't deserve even an ounce of her hurt feelings. She is better than them. She should go to the prom even if she is on her own. She doesn't need friends to have fun and for love...well she has her family who love her more than anyone can ever love her. She is not lacking in that department so sod others.

Prom was such a big deal for DD. She went but said it wasn’t very good. After all the drama about the right dress , shoes etc it was a let down. It’s just a couple of hours, and over by 11pm. Bit of an anticlimax . Was glad we didn’t go mad on dress etc, just high st. She could always go along, take photos, say hi then you all go somewhere else together. All they do is take selfies now, even on the dance floor!