DH and money for MIL present

[xmasbamechange]

Genuinely not sure who is BU so think I need to ask opinions of people that are non biased. Going to try to paint a realistic picture of the situation to avoid drip feeding. DH and I pay all bill money into a joint account and then agree an amount to put into the joint savings every month as this varies depending on commission etc. The rest is split roughly 55/45 (higher amount to me) as I am a SAHM so the extra money is to cover play groups etc. The reason we split the money into our separate accounts is because we spend our money on COMPLETELY different things and this has always worked really well for us, it means we are both free to spend it all or save some into our own savings if we want. We both put an amount into the joint account a month that covers clothes for the children if they need, everything is very fair.

Now the problem. We tend to split the cost of presents for family 50/50 when they arise BUT our mums birthdays are literally within days of each other so we have always just paid for our own as we would always roughly spend about the same, somewhere between £40-£60 just depending on whether we were having a tighter month or what they actually wanted. This year though it’s a special birthday for his mum. In the past when it has been either of my parents or DB specials birthdays I have spent around £100. Sometimes I have asked him to maybe contribute a little more than usual and sometimes not. It’s just depends on financially what else I have on that month. He is spending what I think is a ridiculous amount, around £180. I’m upset because I feel like this isn’t from him, it’s from us as a family and I feel that it sets a precedence for the future for my parents. I can’t imagine being able to spend that next year for my dads special birthday but it seems unfair that his mum gets a present that is nearly double what my parents get. His argument is that it’s his mum, he isn’t asking me to contribute anything apart from £20 (our portion of what the cake is costing) and if he has chosen to not save much this month or not go out etc and spend it on his mum that is up to him and that if I don’t want to for my dad or mum in the future then that’s also fair enough. What I think that should happen is that as it’s a special birthday regardless of who is spending the money it should still be a conversation as it’s a representation of our family and isn’t just from him. Aibu or is he?

I think yabu. Surely the whole point if having some separate money is that each person can choose how they want to spend a certain percentage of the family income. He has chosen to spend his independant allowance on his mum's special birthday. Isn't this what happened in the past with your parents and DB?

I wonder what would happen if it was your mother that was having the larger sum spent on her. In my view you are controlling about money.
I think it sounds as if your husband gets a rough deal financially. Can you imagine the outcry if a woman spent more on her mother and her husband complained? He would be accused of being controlling and she would be told to LTB.
You seem very aware of unfairness if it appears to apply to you. Less so if it applies to other people. Try to be more generous when someone else is doing something nice.

Start saving for your dad’s birthday now. Let your DH decide how much he wants to spends on his much. You sound controlling

YABU

I doubt ur mother and Mil will care about how much a present cost, you have two parents while he has one etc

I can’t understand your financial set up but I do think you have a point. Your DH’s decision will affect you and considering that you spent mostly on DC doing cuts might be difficult. I don’t think that’s about control, it’s more about joint planning as you have limited amount of money and need to balance.

OP once you have worked out how much you’ve spent on things solely for you in the past couple of months, please do come back and update.

I think your set-up needs revising,

Unclench

YABU. Sorry.

Hang on... is it coming out of the bill money? So half of it’s yours anyway?

For a month keep a note of what you spend. Everything. Even the £1 here and there for a bar of chocolate. I was genuinely shocked (and a bit horrified) when I realised how much I was spending without realising.

If he's chosen to save for his Mum's birthday that's fair enough.

However, you say you save for your DD's birthday and Christmas - does he contribute half of the cost?

In the end we found it easier to put all the money into the bills account and use that for everything child and house related. Then we took a set amount (the same amount) into our own accounts as personal spends. That was the 'do what you like' money.

You need to work out how much 'do what you like' money you each get and if yours is being eaten up by things that should be joint expenses or if he just prioritised his Mum for a bit when you have other priorities.

I think there must be more to this than the op is saying.
Perhaps the gift is something that she feels is a measurement of love, is there issues with the mil?
Perhaps by spending all his cash in that one month means she will
Have to stretch her share so she is effectively paying a part of the gift by them needing to use her portion of allowance just for necessary items he will need but can’t afford that month.
Maybe there has been nothing discussion more this is what I’m buying end of.
I think if the ‘resentment’ is building something has to happen either a religion of finances and a discussion of how they can stretch the budget to accomplish date that spend that month and perhaps the op could find some work that leaves her less financially vulnerable and gives her the few extra quid to be able to save for birthdays etc

I'd suggest changing things so your bill account covers all child expenses and the left over income is split 50/50 and is only spent on personal expenses (including presents for your side of the family).
We budget a sum of money each month for children's extracurricular, plus a yearly amount for clothes, plus some for pocket money/phones, plus amounts for birthday and Christmas presents (both their own and to take to parties), plus an extra amount that is meant to cover school trips and other random child expenses. It's hard to get right as these expenses do tend to vary year on year,so we review this at least every year.

Yabu. Presents should not be just about the cost and there should not be point scoring. If there's a specific special gift spending the extra for your parent is right. We spend more on mine than his, but we are both spoilt by my parents (and spend less than they do) whereas we give good gifts to his and may get a card, perhaps a bottle of cheap wine (to share!)

So just a slight update, I spoke to my DH this evening about our finances and he to feels as if his money is eaten up a lot by the big things so we will be doing our money differently from next month. Im going to go through my last two bank statements and so is he and we are both going to tally up what we spend on households and just start spending that out the joint and take less into our personal accounts which I’m happier with and I think so is he.

Don’t worry. £180 is a lot of money. No wonder you are miffed about it.

I don’t know what to say. You are probably just going to have to put up with it though.

You could take the moral high ground and think to yourself that you are being prudent and realistic with your usual presents to your parents. I am sorry! It sucks when you don’t feel free to do what you want.

Sorry cross post. Well done! I hope it gets better with the new arrangement.

Gwlondon I do think it’s an excessive amount of money to spend but that’s just my opinion.

I think it is excessive too, especially if it is not a milestone birthday. However if he is spending it out of his own funds and not shared expenses then yabu. My dh pays for his family gifts and I pay for mine. He earns more than me but has more outgoings so will often spend less. As a rule we usually spend £50 on parents, siblings and £20-30 on nieces and nephews. Our parents live miles away from each other though and would not mention what they got for their respective birthdays. I can appreciate that you might think your mum would feel the disparity between the sum of the gifts she might receive from you but it is still up to your dh what he spends. X

Have a look at You Need A Budget (YNAB). We use this and it’s properly eye-opening how much stuff adds up!

As I'm sure you're aware OP, most of us thing YABU

It doesn't matter whether it's 80 or 1080 it's your partner's 'sole' money. It is not for a partner to dictate how they spend their personal money.

As for the 'but you spend most of your sole money' on the children, frankly that's your choice? I agree with other PP in that you need to change the situation so there is a joint account whereby all costs come out of the account.