DH and money for MIL present

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Genuinely not sure who is BU so think I need to ask opinions of people that are non biased. Going to try to paint a realistic picture of the situation to avoid drip feeding. DH and I pay all bill money into a joint account and then agree an amount to put into the joint savings every month as this varies depending on commission etc. The rest is split roughly 55/45 (higher amount to me) as I am a SAHM so the extra money is to cover play groups etc. The reason we split the money into our separate accounts is because we spend our money on COMPLETELY different things and this has always worked really well for us, it means we are both free to spend it all or save some into our own savings if we want. We both put an amount into the joint account a month that covers clothes for the children if they need, everything is very fair.

Now the problem. We tend to split the cost of presents for family 50/50 when they arise BUT our mums birthdays are literally within days of each other so we have always just paid for our own as we would always roughly spend about the same, somewhere between £40-£60 just depending on whether we were having a tighter month or what they actually wanted. This year though it’s a special birthday for his mum. In the past when it has been either of my parents or DB specials birthdays I have spent around £100. Sometimes I have asked him to maybe contribute a little more than usual and sometimes not. It’s just depends on financially what else I have on that month. He is spending what I think is a ridiculous amount, around £180. I’m upset because I feel like this isn’t from him, it’s from us as a family and I feel that it sets a precedence for the future for my parents. I can’t imagine being able to spend that next year for my dads special birthday but it seems unfair that his mum gets a present that is nearly double what my parents get. His argument is that it’s his mum, he isn’t asking me to contribute anything apart from £20 (our portion of what the cake is costing) and if he has chosen to not save much this month or not go out etc and spend it on his mum that is up to him and that if I don’t want to for my dad or mum in the future then that’s also fair enough. What I think that should happen is that as it’s a special birthday regardless of who is spending the money it should still be a conversation as it’s a representation of our family and isn’t just from him. Aibu or is he?

Your words - both free to spend or save

Looks like he has chosen to spend

oxana you are right, feeling sorry for the op isn’t the thread police but telling people there is no need to keep posting is.

I’m guessing that you get 55% of the spending cash but need to spend loads on the kids, whereas he gets 45% and usually has enough left over to save? Doesn’t sound very fair.

Yeah I'd want to know around how much you get each. For example if he gets £45 and you get £55 I can imagine you spending £50 on kids stuff and having almost nothing left which wouldn't be fair. If this is the case maybe he should put kid spending money (e.g. playgroups, soft play etc) in the join account then get equal spending money after that.

If you have about the same spending money as him after kids stuff then I don't see why he can't choose to spend his money on a big present for his mum- sounds lovely.

The bit that confuses me is that you say you both put money into the joint account for bills and children's clothes etc, but you also say you're a SAHM. Genuinely interested where your money is coming from?

You could certainly afford to spend that amount on your Dad if you wanted to - you just save up beforehand or don’t put as much in savings. The timing being around your DD’s birthday or your anniversary or whatever makes no difference as you know it’s coming and it’s the same time every year so just plan accordingly. It’s really not a huge amount of money for a parent’s special birthday.

Your DH sounds very thoughtful and kind, by comparison you do sound a bit controlling.
If you genuinely cant afford it then fair enough but it sounds more like jealousy to me.
We normally spend £50 for family presents (other than our own DC) but for my mum's 80th we blew the budget and spent a fortune on a once in a lifetime party. She was like Mariah Carey for the day and loved every minute.
Love doesn't keep scores.

Just say to your folks, if they do mention it, that he has been saving for a while?

I made an investment a long time ago which brings in a small income. I accept I am BU. The reason he has £180 to spend is because he is using a large portion of his money for the month. He will be leaving himself crazily short but that is up to him.

We are responsible for sorting out our own sides for presents - happily the same numbers on each side.

My DHs parents get probably 2-3 times as much spent on them than mine, because DH is happy to fulfill their desires (absolute people pleaser, so they get more than the ugly overpriced crap expensive ish things they ask for).

My parents prefer a charity goat and random junk shop antiques.

My only present gripe is when he spends £££ on his brother, (10 years younger, apprentice, but actually earning a decent wage and living at home for free), when he gets us a £10 novelty piece of tat and sulks if we don't get him the exact designer branded item he asked for.

If you want to spend the same on your dad you have about a year to save up.

I couldn’t afford to spend that next year for my dad as his birthday is in the same month as our anniversary and the month after my DDs birthday

Do you spend a lot on your anniversary? Could you opt not to as anniversaries are every year but a big birthday isn’t? How old is DD? A few bright colourful bits is perfectly fine up to a certain age as they have most fun building forts/castles/rockets out of a box anyway. How many playgroups/soft play do you go to?

If you're saying that you both have similar disposable income, and he's using his to buy a present, and you don't want to - that's his choice and your choice.

If your 'disposable income' has to pay for lots of things his doesn't so you actually couldn't save it, then that's a different issue.

It sounds to me a bit like the unspoken undercurrent in this is that her money tends to be spent on playgroups and things for the fsmily and he appears to have cash to splash on fripparies. In this instance it really is up to him what he spends on his mum but make sure you're not losing out so that when your parents big birthdays arrive, you too have money to spare.

YABU

3 accounts needed - you, DH, kids.

The 45% v 55% split is clearly not working. The idea that you only spend 10% of the total on the kids is unrealistic. We just have one pot, so I don't count, but I would imagine that if you looked at our calculations in our family the expenditure would be kids = 80%, and my DH and I on 10% each.

I agree with PPs but - being fair - there is another issue
Unless I am mistaken, there is only one parent left on his side and 2 on yours - so spending twice as much is an equal amount per family.

YABU - I can't imagine your dad wants the same thing as your MIL. For a special occasion get the gift they want rather than comparing prices.

If you are worried about what you parents will think (and only if you know for sure they have registered the amount) then I would say something like ‘DH has gone a bit overboard this year, bit beyond what I can afford’ and leave it at that. From here onwards normal spending will resume. Unless they are really petty surely they wouldn’t then feel put out when they receive gifts later in the year? Most parents don’t want their kids to spend money they can’t afford on them. (I hope!)

But I agree with PP, if you literally can’t save as all your money goes on essentials, unlike DH, then you need to rejig the finances as they aren’t that fair. (At least not if the point of your set up is that you have the same ‘you’ money.)

I wish I could put £5 a month away until then for extra but I literally don’t have it. As I said we are far from well off. We’re comfortable but I’m not frivolous with money and never have any left over at the end of the month.

So how can he save/spend this amount this month? What is he "leaving himself short of" that you can't/won't be able to? If that's because you're spending more on non-negotiable kid expenses then it is inequitable. So figure out a fairer way.

Perhaps you need to agree a "gift amount" into the joint savings e.g. £40 per Mum/Dad etc., and however much for DD, and then total that up and divide by 12 and up the contribution into the joint account by that much.

Then if your DH wants to spend an extra £120 on his mum, he does it from his spends, and you are free to top up your mum or dad's gifts to whatever level you feel you are comfortable.

I do see your point, but I'd be cross at being told I couldn't treat my own mum if I was the one sacrificing my money to do so.

He's got different priorities to you - if he has the same spending money as you it cannot be that he can "afford" to and you can't - he's just choosing different priorities. Unless yours are not really "your" priorities because you're forced to spend more of "yours" on the DC.

Your parents know that you are a SAHM so surely know that your income isn't high?

How much does an anniversary cost? A wine and take away or do you go away?

Seems a bit of a weird set up for your money. Does it matter who pays for what when you are a family? I think you've massively over thought this.

I think the 3 accounts sounds like a good idea.

I’d also scrap the anniversary presents.
But I wouldn’t describe myself as comfortable if I couldn’t afford £1.25 per week to save up for a gift next year.

I’m not sure. I do spend more on the kids in general but he spends money on the big things more for instance if we all go out for dinner he always pays so I do think it mostly equals out. I do save money every month but it’s for things like my children’s birthdays, Xmas and if I decide to treat myself to something, not a fortune but a nice set amount. Maybe I am spending more money than him, I’m not sure. Maybe we need to rethink how we set out our finances. I accept I’m being unreasonable but I think we need to talk about our money.

I think I’m upset for two reasons. The first reason is that I think it’s a bit of a ridiculous amount of money to spend in my opinion and the second reason is because maybe I’m jealous that I don’t feel I could even contemplate spending that on my parents.