DH and money for MIL present

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Genuinely not sure who is BU so think I need to ask opinions of people that are non biased. Going to try to paint a realistic picture of the situation to avoid drip feeding. DH and I pay all bill money into a joint account and then agree an amount to put into the joint savings every month as this varies depending on commission etc. The rest is split roughly 55/45 (higher amount to me) as I am a SAHM so the extra money is to cover play groups etc. The reason we split the money into our separate accounts is because we spend our money on COMPLETELY different things and this has always worked really well for us, it means we are both free to spend it all or save some into our own savings if we want. We both put an amount into the joint account a month that covers clothes for the children if they need, everything is very fair.

Now the problem. We tend to split the cost of presents for family 50/50 when they arise BUT our mums birthdays are literally within days of each other so we have always just paid for our own as we would always roughly spend about the same, somewhere between £40-£60 just depending on whether we were having a tighter month or what they actually wanted. This year though it’s a special birthday for his mum. In the past when it has been either of my parents or DB specials birthdays I have spent around £100. Sometimes I have asked him to maybe contribute a little more than usual and sometimes not. It’s just depends on financially what else I have on that month. He is spending what I think is a ridiculous amount, around £180. I’m upset because I feel like this isn’t from him, it’s from us as a family and I feel that it sets a precedence for the future for my parents. I can’t imagine being able to spend that next year for my dads special birthday but it seems unfair that his mum gets a present that is nearly double what my parents get. His argument is that it’s his mum, he isn’t asking me to contribute anything apart from £20 (our portion of what the cake is costing) and if he has chosen to not save much this month or not go out etc and spend it on his mum that is up to him and that if I don’t want to for my dad or mum in the future then that’s also fair enough. What I think that should happen is that as it’s a special birthday regardless of who is spending the money it should still be a conversation as it’s a representation of our family and isn’t just from him. Aibu or is he?

YABU. I can understand why you feel uncomfortable that it is likely to be evident that your MIL has received a gift that has cost more than you are able to give others, but it is his choice (as long as you don't then end up subbing him when he runs out later in the month).

My sister loves giving and receiving gifts. I spend more on presents for her than I do for my husband's family members. Not because she would think badly of us if we didn't, but because I enjoy being able to. I would rather she had something she really wanted, and do without a little bit myself (I'm talking not buying the craft kit I had my eye on, rather than our kids doing without new shoes).

NB I'm also more than happy for us to spend more on my inlaws, when my husband thinks it is appropriate, e.g. for my SIL and BIL's significant birthdays. In general though they are less into gifts and can't usually even think of anything they would like for Christmas, so it would be silly to insist on making it equal unnecessarily. We just buy them a token gift to show that we are thinking of them and make time to see them, which is more important to them.

This is a bit bonkers. He can spend his money how he likes. How can you not afford to do the same? Unless some of your spending isn't just on "you" (meaning presents for your family too).

How much do you spend on your anniversary? We do free days out and maybe a takeaway if feeling flush.

You've got a year to save if you really need it.

Or get a separate family present account that you save into each month and all presents come from that.

Are you a blended family? Steps kids etc? I don't understand why you would be saving your personal money for birthday presents for the kids. That's a joint expense surely?

I don’t feel I could even contemplate spending that on my parents

You could always work if it means that much to you re spending. Or keep your investment and his salary sepamd then just use your own monies so the other can't comment on spending.

I don't think it's a lot for a parents special birthday, especially as he's finding it alone.

Also for instance if something is needed like both DDs need new coats (so £40-£50) he’ll just pay for it out of his account. So I think I pay for more day to day costs but he’ll just pay out for the 1 or 2 bigger things

I buy for my parents DH for his, I know I've spent more on my parents than he had in his, even for special birthdays, but it's his family his choice. I'd be very cross of he queued what I spent on my dad's 65th last year. Add long as he contributes what you've deemed as fair between you for bills , joint expenses and DC I don't see the issue of he refuses his personal spends for the month to buy his mum a lovely gift, it's actually quite a nice thing to do

DC expenses including birthdays should be a account expense

I think it absolutely is not, fair, nor kind, to spend that on one parent and not on the others, given that they will find out about it. That’s just hurtful and rude and you’ll have to find a way around it. The easiest way is for you both to agree that in the coming months leading up to the special birthday your dad is having, you will both put in £5 per month into a birthday gift fund. That is fair and equitable given that you spend on the children’s daily/weekly activities. Then, you will also do the same leading up to big birthday for your mum when it comes round.

*joint account expense

And no, I absolutely don’t think you are being unreasonable, since he can easily give up his fripperies for the month but you can’t really just stop taking your children out and doing the daily things with them.

You get more a month than him (45/55) which is meant to cover the weekly activities, if it doesn't the way money is allocated needs revisiting.

Also, properly, honestly, how much of your monthly spends do you spend on yourself for things you want or need?

We have a similar set up, joint account for bills, mortgage household expenses, including things for DS, joint savings accounts, individual accounts, we pay our car bills individually but they cost the same so it's pretty irrelevant, the individual amounts are for individual things, clothes, Spotify, comic books, haircuts, nights out with friends etc. If you're spending more of your individual money on the children than he is (necessarily not because they need thousands of cute outfits, like my friend does), you need to relocate monthly finances. At it stands he's done nothing wrong

I think kids expenses need to come out of the joint, as do family meals out and birthday gifts for the kids. Then equal money into your personal accounts to do as you wish.

You are, I get where your coming from but In the grand scheme of things it's his mum and his money so can spend it how he wants.
Think it's actually nice he wants to give a little extra as it's a special birthday, if you were the mother and he was your son, you'd probably think the wife (you) were controlling.

Yes but OPs mum is her mum too, and her dad is her dad.

OP, it really is not fair for him to have however much his ‘allowance’ is per month to just spend on himself, if all or most of yours is spent on your children, instead of at least half of your allowance being for your own use, for you. How exactly does your spending allowance work?

I think what I’ve actually taken from this is the fact that he can just go without says something. If I left myself with what he will be leaving himself with, I wouldn’t have much to spend per day for me and DD so there must be an imbalance somewhere. I think we need to start paying for all petrol and a set amount for our children put the joint account and then splitting money.

For other people that work their money kind of like us what do you roughly set aside for your children a month?

Ninkaninus so anything that I spend that’s actually significant on the children he will just give me half of. So for instance if they need new clothes and I go and spend £50 I’ll just ask him to transfer me half. I think the problem is all the little things in between that I don’t really think about, maybe it all adds up

That’s not it though - what I was trying to to get at is exactly what you’ve picked up on. The allocation of money is grossly unfair. Unless you spend 5-10 per day on coffee shop coffees and cakes just because you like it, there should not be such a disparity in his and your personal spending.

Ninkaninus I think I am going to go through my last two bank statements and see what I’m spending on. I do spend in the week as I like to be out and about doing things but there does always seem to be something I need to pick up etc. Also what I’m now thinking is that he is going to leave himself so sparse for the month that I will have to lay out for everything when we get towards the end of the month which is unfair

What little things in between op? Do you know what you're spending on?

It does seem fair, or even in your favour. So the question is where is your money going and why Have you nothing left atfhe end of the month?

What about child benefit Op? I have this paid into a separate account and use it for the kids clothes.. classes.. birthday or Christmas gifts..

What money do you spend daily? I have passes for the local aquarium and science centre plus we go to the free museums. I use a weekly bus pass for 13 pounds and take packed lunches. How old are the children?

Sorry for the million questions just wondering how you have "not even a fiver" a month left yet your husband can splash 180 quid!

I don’t understand why you don’t start saving each month towards your fathers present, you are just making excuses with your anniversary dds birthday etc. Be honest it sounds like you just don’t want to spend that amount. Fair enough that’s up to you

I am probably your parents’ age & wouldn’t dream of comparing what was spent on the ILs compared to what was spent on me , personally I really hope my DS and future wife don’t ever spend more than a token amount on a gift.

You do sound very controlling about financial matters.

You should try to keep a spending diary for a couple of months. I find that really helps and can be a bit of an eye opener