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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I won’t get my inheritance?

94 replies

Islands81 · 28/05/2019 23:46

I discovered a few days ago from my db1 that my df is planning on selling one of his houses, and splitting the money between me and my 3 brothers. It will likely be around £40-£50k each. The money will only be given in order to put towards a deposit for property though. Which is totally fair enough, however I can’t see that I’m ever going to be in a position to buy a house, whereas my brothers all already have or will be able to.

DB1 - age 40, currently trying to get a mortgage. No DC although he lives with his GF who has just started her own business and has one DC. He would get a mortgage just in his name based on his earnings from his own successful business which he’s been running for about 10 years.

DB2 - age 34. No DC and single. Was given the deposit to buy a small repossessed flat by my DM (divorced from my DF) over 10 years ago. He has a tiny mortgage and is looking to buy something bigger.

DB3 - 27 years old and the most sensible of the lot of us. Has a good career and long term girlfriend. They have just had an offer accepted on their first property near London.

Then there’s me. 38, 2 DC both with disabilities. Single parent (100% of the time). Dd1 is Home educated. I have ME and whilst sometimes I can be ok for a few days or if I’m very lucky, a few weeks at a time, a lot of the time I am completely exhausted or asleep. As in, I will pop to the post office for example, and then need a nap. It’s really boring and drives me mad. It’s very difficult to plan anything as I never know how much energy I will be able to muster. On the occasions that I do go out for a whole day, I’ll be completely wiped out for at least a week afterwards (literally unable to move and aching all over).

As you can imagine, with all this going on it’s very difficult for me to get a job. I am not reliably well enough to even take on very part time hours. I do run a small business which makes a little bit of money but it’s something I can do as and when I’ve got some energy spare (online selling). Also my credit isn’t brilliant from years of having to manage on practically nothing.

My family think I’m just lazy and a scrounger, and that I just need to ‘get off my arse and get a job’. We’re not particularly close and they have no idea how much I struggle day to day. So AIBU to be a bit sad that my brothers are all going to be given a massive leg up onto the housing ladder, but I’m very unlikely to be in a position to get my own place? I’m not even supposed to know that this money exists at the moment, as my DF hasn’t mentioned it to me.

OP posts:
pineapplebryanbrown · 28/05/2019 23:51

That's a shame, I wonder if your dad would give you a bigger leg up as you need the most help. It's such a tricky subject to broach though.

crimsonlake · 28/05/2019 23:53

Surely the title of your post is wrong?
Yes, you will get inheritance so not sure what you are actually asking here?
Yes, your circumstances are all different, is it fair? That is not up to you to decide I am afraid.

Redshoeblueshoe · 28/05/2019 23:55

Selling one of his houses ? How many has he got ?

Original poster
Islands81 · 28/05/2019 23:55

He could definitely afford to, but I’m surprised he’s even doing this tbh. He inherited a £2 million property and business when he was very young but speaks of all his dc really negatively for not having achieved what he has. Despite the glaringly obvious fact that until now there’s been no help from him whatsoever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Islands81 · 28/05/2019 23:56

He has 3 properties and a lot of land and other buildings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Islands81 · 28/05/2019 23:57

@crimsonlake sorry, early inheritance might be better. He has a lot of assets but I suspect that his long term partner will ultimately get most of them.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 28/05/2019 23:57

Oh I love these people that inherit a fortune, then imply that they made it all themselves

WitchesGlove · 28/05/2019 23:58

How do you care for two disabled DC and educate one of them at home, if your own illness leaves you so wiped out?

Not doubting, just curious!

Original poster
Islands81 · 29/05/2019 00:01

@WitchesGlove with great difficulty! They both have ASD and my eldest is hopefully returning to school soon, it’s taken over a year to try and get an EHCP for her. Nearly there I think. It’s proper crap for them but they’ve just had to get used to the fact that I’m often too tired to do stuff with them. I just have to make the most of it when I do have a bit of energy.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 29/05/2019 00:08

That sounds crap. Tbh I’d probably go nuclear and suggest my dad comes stay for a few days and sees how much fun my life is but go on why don’t you help all your other children instead?
I can’t see you have anything to lose as he’d be pretty much dead to me anyway. If one of your children has things tougher than the others you don’t cut them off for it to try and make their life even harder.

cake778 · 29/05/2019 00:10

OP, what would your plan for the money be? It might be a good idea to go with a proposal (can it be put in a trust for DC).

Do you have a good relationship with any of your brother's? Could they do something with the money to ensure it for your children? Or could you ask for it to provide holiday cover for your children in something that would be good for them?

cake778 · 29/05/2019 00:11

Also I'm more than sympathetic about the inheritance situation. FIL has never worked and sponges off his family but hasn't ever helped us out one bit.

IrishGal21 · 29/05/2019 00:17

you would think with that amount of assets he would help out his child with 2 children who would benefit most

Original poster
Islands81 · 29/05/2019 00:18

I don’t really want to just be handed the money, it could get easily eaten up with just living and I’d probably have nothing to show for it after a couple of years. A trust for my dc would probably be the best thing. That’s maybe what I should suggest if/when he ever tells me that the money is there.

I don’t think going nuclear would achieve anything. He’s of the attitude that my situation is of my own making, and he’ll never change his mind about that.

Things have never been particularly equal between me and my brothers. My youngest db is the only other one who went to uni and he had all his course fees and living costs paid by my DF. Graduated not owing a penny. I went to uni after I had the dc and graduated with a better grade and from a better uni but with over £50k of debt to student finance.

OP posts:
Bumper1969 · 29/05/2019 00:19

I'm sorry but you have no right to an inheritance. No one has.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 29/05/2019 00:20

Yanbu to be upset if your circumstances will mean your ‘share’ of the money is withheld.

All credit to you for bringing up your DC alone alongside a debilitating condition. I can’t understand any parent not wanting to help their child in this situation. Flowers

Original poster
Islands81 · 29/05/2019 00:23

I know I’ve no right to anything, but my other siblings will be getting a wedge of money that I’m very unlikely to ever be able to access.

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 29/05/2019 00:23

Can you not get shared ownership property?

PickAChew · 29/05/2019 00:25

redshoes 40K is a good sum of money, but hardly a fortune and OP is hardly suggesting they've made it themselves. Nice but pointless dig there, though Hmm

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 29/05/2019 00:25

I'm sorry but you have no right to an inheritance. No one has.

Actually I think the OP does have a right to be treated equally to her siblings. Or at least an expectation to be treated equally.

Original poster
Islands81 · 29/05/2019 00:25

I don’t think I’d be able to get any kind of mortgage at all unless I have a regular job earning decent money.

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 29/05/2019 00:25

That sounds tough.
I think suggesting your share goes into trust for your children is a great idea. If he realises how worried you are for their future he may think to provide for them too.
If they are the only children involved then it's a shame he's not thought to give them a share, albeit to be invested to provide a permanent roof over their heads.

Original poster
Islands81 · 29/05/2019 00:26

I think redshoe was talking about my DF, not me. And she’s hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 29/05/2019 00:26

I'm never a fan of 'gifts' that come with strings and conditions. I think it's his money to give to whoever he chooses, but I think it's unkind and unfair to dictate what should be done with it. I'm sorry, OP, it's hard to be treated like that.

PickAChew · 29/05/2019 00:27

witches with kids with ASD, circumstances often give you no choice whether to home educate or not, since they can't be in school and the LA doesn't offer anything they can actually cope with.