To think I won’t get my inheritance?

[Islands81]

I discovered a few days ago from my db1 that my df is planning on selling one of his houses, and splitting the money between me and my 3 brothers. It will likely be around £40-£50k each. The money will only be given in order to put towards a deposit for property though. Which is totally fair enough, however I can’t see that I’m ever going to be in a position to buy a house, whereas my brothers all already have or will be able to.

DB1 - age 40, currently trying to get a mortgage. No DC although he lives with his GF who has just started her own business and has one DC. He would get a mortgage just in his name based on his earnings from his own successful business which he’s been running for about 10 years.

DB2 - age 34. No DC and single. Was given the deposit to buy a small repossessed flat by my DM (divorced from my DF) over 10 years ago. He has a tiny mortgage and is looking to buy something bigger.

DB3 - 27 years old and the most sensible of the lot of us. Has a good career and long term girlfriend. They have just had an offer accepted on their first property near London.

Then there’s me. 38, 2 DC both with disabilities. Single parent (100% of the time). Dd1 is Home educated. I have ME and whilst sometimes I can be ok for a few days or if I’m very lucky, a few weeks at a time, a lot of the time I am completely exhausted or asleep. As in, I will pop to the post office for example, and then need a nap. It’s really boring and drives me mad. It’s very difficult to plan anything as I never know how much energy I will be able to muster. On the occasions that I do go out for a whole day, I’ll be completely wiped out for at least a week afterwards (literally unable to move and aching all over).

As you can imagine, with all this going on it’s very difficult for me to get a job. I am not reliably well enough to even take on very part time hours. I do run a small business which makes a little bit of money but it’s something I can do as and when I’ve got some energy spare (online selling). Also my credit isn’t brilliant from years of having to manage on practically nothing.

My family think I’m just lazy and a scrounger, and that I just need to ‘get off my arse and get a job’. We’re not particularly close and they have no idea how much I struggle day to day. So AIBU to be a bit sad that my brothers are all going to be given a massive leg up onto the housing ladder, but I’m very unlikely to be in a position to get my own place? I’m not even supposed to know that this money exists at the moment, as my DF hasn’t mentioned it to me.

If you are claiming benefits these might also be affected by money that you have in the bank, so make sure you are aware of these

First of all, I am ME too. It's drastically limited me. I work from home right now. I thought I would have a career as a secondary teacher, but I do not have the energy required to do that. If you do a search for "CFS Protocol," you will find an alternative health route to getting out of this. I went from living in bed to living a better life. For a minute, imagine how you would manage without any sort of help from your father at all. Would it be better that these funds weren't in the picture? You are all really lucky, no matter how you split it. In being impartial and splitting the funds for housing equally between the four siblings, regardless of where you are in life, your dad should be considered a good person. He obviously doesn't understand ME. What I would suggest, is having your allotted amount dispersed differently. Talk to your father and DB1, and I would suggest, taking a note from your doctor explaining your diagnosis. It's NOT in your imagination. This is a real disorder. If you have paperwork from a physician, that might sway them.

A trust for my dc would probably be the best thing. That’s maybe what I should suggest if/when he ever tells me that the money is there.

That sounds sensible. I think you need to have a grown up chat with your DF.

Could you use it to invest in property rather than buy somewhere to live in - eg a Buy to let?
Is your DF motivated by the desire to be fair (eg give you the same) - how did he justify not paying off your university fees?

I think you're jumping the gun and making a lot of assumptions, based on a conversation with your brother. Why not just wait and see what your father really intends to do?

He may have been thinking out loud with your brother, in the early stages of planning, thinking that it was sensible to ringfence it for property without fully thinking it through.

Once he has spoken to you himself, and you know exactly how much it will be, when you'll receive it, whether he's insisting on it being used for property in your case or not, you can raise your concerns with your dad then.

Whichever way you look at it, it's a wonderful gift. I can't see him refusing to give it to you just because you can't currently get a mortgage. It just sounds like he wants it to be used wisely, so he might be able to help you to invest it in a rental property, a trust fund for your kids, shares, whatever.

Some of the suggestions here are great if you are low paid but things like buying in a cheap area and letting it out would automatically make you ineligible for benefits so you'll need to make sure that any income would be more than benefits.

£40k is really unhelpful benefits wise. It would likely mean you were no longer entitled to means tested benefits. Having a BtL on trust for the children sounds superficially attractive but is likely to be more hassle than you can manage at present.

Ok, I am going to assume that part of the reason he is doing this is as inheritance tax planning. Passing stuff on early is probably going to save a lot of tax in the future. My mother is in the middle of trying to work this stuff out so I recognise the push and pull of what best to do with what she can give us, and what she would like us to do with it, which is to have some form of investment that will benefit us long-term not just for a few years.

As you are rightly realising, money passed to you is likely to eventually "go" in living costs and your children's needs, rather than produce a long-term benefit such as property ownership. And if it cuts you out of getting benefits you currently need this could happen rather quickly. Unfortunately, rule changes on trusts may mean that it isn't terribly cost-effective for money to be put in trust for your children either - if you get the opportunity to do so, I'd ask your father if he can seek specific advice as to how best to benefit your children.

I hope that fairness can be served in the long run; I hope that your father is planning how to help you all appropriately; I hope that you will be afforded the opportunity to know that he is planning this. (sadly I know I may be hoping too much)

Keep trying your best, and I hope some of the ideas people have posted will help you reach a better place where you can achieve more in the future. A friend of mine had ME or similar as a postgrad student, got her degree despite it, and is now a high level academic. It is possible to recover from it, but takes time. Fingers crossed also that your eldest gets reintegrated in school effectively next year.

@Islands81 so you care nothing for your father, you only have you fingers crossed to get money out of his death?

Why do people say ‘ no right to an inheritance’ it drives me wild, my. kids get equal help in every way. Unless one of them did something terrible its 50/50 each and they know it, we talk about everything with them

Why do people say ‘ no right to an inheritance'

Because there is no right to an inheritance. The estate belongs to the OP's father in this case, and it's his to leave to whoever he chooses. It doesn't sound as if he's going to, but if he chooses he can leave the lot to a cat's charity or the man across the road. Nobody is entitled to anything.

Assuming that your father is only in his 50s, and could possibly marry again, you could be waiting a long time for any inheritance. Take what's on offer now, and discus the " strings attached" with him when he brings up the subject. Good luck.

@Islands81 Every single person I have known with ME (I’ve known a few), have got over it eventually. Even those with severe ME and in a wheelchair, for instance.

So don’t despair, there is a good chance you will reviver and be able to work and get your own house. Your DF’s offer is very generous and you are lucky to have something to strive for.

Ask your Dad to act as a guarantor on a mortgage based on what you pay now and the deposit he will provide? Doesn’t sound like a big give on his part and you get out of renting.

Alicewond

That's not what the OP has suggested at all.

OP, do you have a diagnosis of ME from a doctor, or have you self diagnosed? It's very unusual to have it for so long. A friend had it for a few years then was rediagnosed with a thyroid condition. Now on the repight treatment, she's living life to the full.
Regarding home schooling your child, it sounds as though you're actually just struggling to get them into school. How old is your child? How long have they been at home? To say there is nothing for them is just not correct. You need to get them back into school, go back to the GPmfor a full medical check, make sure you're on the right medication. Then look at getting a part time job for your own self esteem!
Your DF maybe an arse, but he can do what he wants with his money I'm afraid. It does sound a little bit that you believe you're more entitled to his money than your brothers.

YABU, nobody has a right to inheritance - it's not your inheritance it's your fathers money.

How long have they been at home? To say there is nothing for them is just not correct.
This is the most ridiculous ignorant statement I’ve heard for a long time. Do you not read the papers? Many many children are schoolless in the uk. The pressure on special schools is HUGE. Here two years ago 20 candidates for every place.

What was your job before you had the DC?

Soontobe60 from what you've said your friend didn't have ME at all then! Just misdiagnosed thyroid. There is no positive clinical diagnosis for ME, hospitals run a battery of checks for other possible conditions and then 'positively' confirm the diagnosis based on that.

And you know if you've got it! Im sure OP would LOVE to get a p/t job 'for her self esteem' but with this condition it really isn't a viable option as it will just make her far more ill. You only ever have a tiny 'bank' of energy and sleep and rest does very little to replenish this. Read her post re visiting the post office. I imagine she needs what energy she has for her kids. I think she's doing very well indeed and doesn't need to be jollied out of it by even more people who don't really believe ME exists.

I do think most people have a moral right to an inheritance. If people have DC it's pure spite to leave it to the cats home.

Your DF may never say anything about this money to you if the condition is that it is for help with a deposit to buy a home. He must know you you arent able to get on the housing ladder in your circumstances. Maybe he will just give it to your brothers.

Even if he gave you this money with no strings attached, it would immediately result in all means-tested benefits ceasing (ESA, HB, CTS).

Did your DF even mention you when he spoke to your DB about it?

I would just forget about it because you may never benefit from it. I would neither expect nor want money from anyone in the family who I am not close to and who regard me as a lazy scrounger who should just get off my arse and get a job when I am unwell.

I do wonder why they don't know how much you struggle on a daily basis. Do your parents not (individually obviously) visit your home to see your DC?

In your situation you could move somewhere much cheaper in the country to make it easier to buy.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-71817277.html

3 bed property in that area rents for about 450 per month. Doesn't seem to be much needs doing except superficial painting and cleaning so could hire with the £10k left after solicitors fees etc

Means you don't move but you are technically a business owner like your father without exacerbating your medical condition