To think telling someone to stoo stressing about getting pregnant is really frustrating?

[queenqueenqueen]

I had a miscarriage in September. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but a nice surprise one, so I was really gutted when I lost the baby at 7 weeks we've been trying since then , in vain, to get pregnant but nothing has happened.

My due date came and went, and still nothing, It doesn't help that literally, everyone I know is getting pregnant, or at least that's how it feels!!! I feel like I'm totally down in the dumps over this, and I'm struggling to think about much else. We moved house I've joined a gym, I've even started a new job, and I still can't think about anything else!

I had some unusual periods and explored them with the GP who sent me for some tests, everything came back clear, and her advice was "to stop worrying about it" I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to do that?? Just want more than anything to be pregnant 😞

Yes!! It is so ridiculous. I met a friend last night for dinner. We have been diagnosed with male factor infertility and have had one failed IVF. My friend told me last night why don’t I just relax and try getting drunk and having s*x. I’ve never heard something so ridiculous.

I’m sorry you had to hear it from a medical professional. I guess it’s important to try not let it take over as that will impact on your general stress levels but unless stress is interfering with your cycle and making it irregular there is no impact on ttc. Unfortunately I would say all you can do is keep trying or decide to go for fertility tests for you and your partner.

Completely agree OP. When people told me to relax and stop trying (how the helll do you stop trying when you're trying?!) I wanted nothing more than to stab them in the eye with a fork. But obviously I smiled nicely and carried on feeling frustrated and miserable.

YANBU for being frustrated. It's a frustrating situation xx

People are so rude and thoughtless. I think most of the time their comments are harmless in their own head and they mean well but it comes across differently to the person receiving the comments.

Each month your chances of getting pregnant are slightly under 30% if you are under 35, under 15% if you are 35-39 and only 5% after that.

So whilst I agree that telling someone who wants a baby to "stop stressing" is lacking in empathy and quite rude, I do think that people are unrealistic about how many cycles the average person needs to conceive.

Urgh it’s literally the most pointless and pretentious advice you can give to somebody who is TTC.

I was recently given this advice (despite only recently beginning TTC) by my uncles wife.

They tried for 7 years, it ripped their relationship apart, he had an affair and now has an illegitimate child with another woman as well as his DD with his wife (who finally fell pregnant shortly before finding out).

So when she sat there telling me to ‘just relax and let it happen naturally’ i was just 😦...astounds me how somebody who literally became so obsessed and consumed by TTC could dole out such insensitive advice.

“Each month your chances of getting pregnant are slightly under 30% if you are under 35, under 15% if you are 35-39 and only 5% after that”

When you put it like that it makes it sound so hard, probability-wise, to get pregnant - especially for those of us in our late thirties. I’m hoping to TTC and was surprised that you only have a small time-frame in which to conceive each month as well. I feel like the odds are really stacked against me!

When you put it like that it makes it sound so hard, probability-wise, to get pregnant - especially for those of us in our late thirties. I’m hoping to TTC and was surprised that you only have a small time-frame in which to conceive each month as well. I feel like the odds are really stacked against me

@buttery81 I'm sorry I didn't mean to portray that it will be really hard, more that it's amazing that so many actually get pregnant quite quickly.

If only it were as easy as just stopping worrying! That said, I would definitely recommend trying to reduce other sources of stress in your life and build in relaxation time or whatever helps you deal with stress. I say this not just because there's a chance it may help with TTC if you are more relaxed, but also because TTC is quite stressful enough on its own!

The book Fertile thinking has some great tips for trying to deal with the mental stresses of infertility - it helped me a lot.

It's not as bad as 'why don't you adopt?'
Because I want to carry and raise my own biological child thank you very fucking much.
It's great that there are people who want to, but I don't. I always ask those arseholes why they didn't adopt instead of getting pregnant.

I dunno, I think there's something to it. It's like couples who try for years, then adopt or go down the surrogacy route and end up pregnant without even thinking about it. The human body is a mysterious thing- who really knows what makes a difference?

Sorry about your miscarriage OP and every luck ttc.

People can make your jaw drop when it comes to this stuff. Anyone told you after your loss that “at least you know you know you can get pregnant”? That’s a common one. Really fucking helpful when nothing’s happened since. I perfected a bland smile when that came out so I didn’t punch anyone.

I actually think there is a bit of something to it. We were TTC for 3 years, referred for fertility treatment and had preliminary tests awaiting consultant appointment. I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks before our appointment, we had made some lifestyle changes in preparation for IVF and felt the pressure was off slightly for TTC naturally (although we were still trying obviously).

What worked for us was hitting the gym, cutting down alcohol, caffeine and cigarettes (for DH), both taking supplements, Conceive Plus lube (we conceived the first time we used this) and legs up against the wall for 20 minutes!

What worked for us was hitting the gym, cutting down alcohol, caffeine and cigarettes (for DH), both taking supplements, Conceive Plus lube (we conceived the first time we used this) and legs up against the wall for 20 minutes!

Really. You have absolutely no idea if any or all of those things had any effect at all on your fertility. You may have fallen pregnant anyway.

OP people just dont think. My NHS consultant said to me, why did I bother marrying my DH when I knew he had nale factor infertility before we were married. She also bluntly dropped it on us that we had less than half a percent chance of having a biological child so IVF with donor sperm would be our only option, she told me at 35 I was too old too. And this is a medical professional!

nokidshere

You’re absolutely right! In the same way you have no idea that they didn’t. But after 3 years those were the changes we made that seemed to work for us and we did fall into the cliché of relaxing a bit more about it (assuming we would need the IVF route) and falling pregnant. Just my experience.

OP, I really hope it happens for you soon, I know how hard it is. Some of my friends met new partners and had year old babies in the time we were TTC and it all seems so unfair!

@nokids81 yes, it really is!

@nokidshere yes, it really is!

There are lots of stories about people who relax and then get pregnant. In my experience it’s all been people who do get stressed about things. So it’s not like ‘oh relax’, it’s more like you really should focus your mind on relaxing as that does have results. No it might not work for you but it happens too often to just be coincidence.

It is insensitive to say it in a blunt way, but I'm starting to think there's something in it. We have had long term (think years) fertility struggles, had tests & got out IVF consultant referral. Found out we were expecting 7 weeks ago.

It could have happened at any point, but my GP said when she did the referral that she hears of it happening a lot and to not be surprised if it happens.

It's awful to say it to someone directly, but I also think there might be an element of truth in it. TTC for two years whilst working on a major project at work. I conceived that weekend.

It absolutely could be a coincidence, but I just remember feeling that a massive weight was off my shoulders and felt gloriously care free.

I am afraid those saying it ‘worked for them’ are confusing anecdotal evidence with causation which is part of the reason these rumors are circulated and hurting people so often. For those getting a referral to IVF and making lifestyle changes that is not just relaxing and forgetting about it and it’ll happen - that is actively doing something about it. It’s so insulting to hear for people with a real issue as well. No matter how much I and my partner relax it’s not going to magically create more sperm for someone with a very low sperm count. Stress to the extent of messing with your cycle is obviously bad for ttc but otherwise there has been no proven relationship between stress and stopping people getting pregnant. In general ttc is very stressful so aiming for improving relaxation is good for your mental health levels but unfortunately is not going to miraculously result in a pregnancy by using the calm app! Especially if you have an actual problem.

Thanks for all your helpful replies, I'm just feeling really sad about it all, now. , I know realistically, it hasn't been that long for us, but every month, it just feels like it's getting further and further away from ever happening. My cycles are regular. I had some mid cycle bleeding, but the tests they ran, were all fine, so the doctor thinks it's linked to ovulation. she was also said that it could just be my body getting back to normal after the miscarriage, I know I've heard people get pregnant really soon after miscarriages, but that isn't always the case, so maybe I've just been a little bit unlucky in that respect too and yes, for the PP, who said about people saying at least, you know, you can get pregnant. That was also a doctor!!! 🤦🏻‍♀

AnnaSteen agree so much. Women in much more stressful situations such as war zones/abusive relationships are still having babies, what's their rationale for that?

Hunches are not scientific fact!!!

Women in much more stressful situations such as war zones/abusive relationships are still having babies, what's their rationale for that?

People are different. Two people doing the same thing may well have different results. And yes, if you've got a diagnosed issue you'll probably need some medical intervention, but I do think the stress of ttc with ovulation kits and timed sex is probably not doing many favours for lots of the couples with unexplained infertility.

She's well meaning in the sense that relaxing will help with conception, but it is a very silly thing to say. I was totally obsessed with getting pregnant while I was trying - how can you not be lol. We all know it makes it harder to conceive but that doesn't make it easier to stop worrying!