To think telling someone to stoo stressing about getting pregnant is really frustrating?

[queenqueenqueen]

I had a miscarriage in September. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but a nice surprise one, so I was really gutted when I lost the baby at 7 weeks we've been trying since then , in vain, to get pregnant but nothing has happened.

My due date came and went, and still nothing, It doesn't help that literally, everyone I know is getting pregnant, or at least that's how it feels!!! I feel like I'm totally down in the dumps over this, and I'm struggling to think about much else. We moved house I've joined a gym, I've even started a new job, and I still can't think about anything else!

I had some unusual periods and explored them with the GP who sent me for some tests, everything came back clear, and her advice was "to stop worrying about it" I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to do that?? Just want more than anything to be pregnant 😞

Think your Dr is an ignorant moron tbh. Had I been with you I would have given them grief.
Lost my 30s to infertility and yes all my tests were fine too. Brilliant if you conceive in next few months. Wasted time if you have a problem.
Get started on the road. It's a bloody long journey. See different GP. Ask for drugs, next steps etc. Take a friend with you if you want back up.

I see the insensitive are out in force with their anecdotal evidence. Women conceive everyday in stressful circumstances, so to be told that you just need to relax and it will happen is ridiculous. I find it even more astonishing that so many people who have actually had fertility issues are the ones reinforcing this idea. Relaxing isn't going to produce better quality sperm or unblock tubes. It isn't going to make you ovulate or produce better quality eggs.

Even on this thread people are saying it!!! The thread is literally about how annoying and insensitive it is and yet people are on here posting the same advice. Unbelievable. No amount of relaxing will change endometriosis/genetic translocations/low sperm counts.. etc etc.

Alls you need to say when someone tells you they've had a miscarriage is "I'm really sorry for you, that's a really shit thing to happen " no stories of just relax/have a holiday/stop trying and it'll happen/have you thought about adoption etc. Because unfortunately for a lot of people struggling with infertility it may never happen, and bullshit stories about people it did happen for really do not help.

Cross post Bluethang! but I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that!

Stop worrying about it is the worst advice because it is impossible to do! It's not something you can forget about, people say stop using opks etc but if you have a regular cycle and you have used them in the past you don't forget when you ovulate, even if you try not to count the days. That being said it has only been 9 months since you miscarried so you are still well within the realms of normal in Ttc terms. Also, if there is a problem don't necessarily assume its you - I'm assuming your partner hasn't been tested yet as you've not been trying for over a year? Unfortunately all you can really do is keep trying for a few more months and then get referred for more tests for both of you. One more piece of anecdotal evidence for relaxing- we had been trying for a year and a half (one mc early on) and my husbands sperm test came back really poor) 0% normal morphology) The Dr said we would most likely need icsi so with that news we mentally gave up and stopped hoping for a natural conception. Yep you guessed it, pregnant naturally within 2 months....

Even if it is true, telling someone to relax isn’t helpful. When I was trying and people told me to relax it made me think ‘oh ok, I mean it’s only something I desperately want and all I can think about but because you told me to relax, just like that I’ll be able to and then everything will be lovely. All this time I’ve been trying not to think about it but all I needed to do the whole time was just relax, silly me’. Not that easy.

I feel for you OP

64632K

What do you expect medical professionals to do? Lie to you.

They have to convey the facts to you. If you did want a child, it's a reasonable question to ask why you married someone you knew it would be difficult to conceive with.

Because unfortunately for a lot of people struggling with infertility it may never happen, and bullshit stories about people it did happen for really do not help.

See this is a difficult one isn't it? I'd never call someone's journey and outcome bullshit. Maybe some people would find that it gives them hope? Maybe it's just something that can only be said if you know your audience really well and think it might help? And it's clearly not bullshit since many people have a story with a happy ending to tell.

My friend told me last night why don’t I just relax and try getting drunk and having sx. I’ve never heard something so ridiculous.*

Oh yes I had that “you want to get a few beers down him”and all sorts of comments implying we were either not having sex often enough or not doing it properly.

And what is very hurtful are the “if you really wanted a baby you’d be willing to adopt/use donor eggs/sperm/have an affair*”.....often from people who only had to go to bed with their partner and have sex once or twice.

*my own mother suggested this and she was only half joking.

One more piece of anecdotal evidence for relaxing- we had been trying for a year and a half (one mc early on) and my husbands sperm test came back really poor) 0% normal morphology) The Dr said we would most likely need icsi so with that news we mentally gave up and stopped hoping for a natural conception. Yep you guessed it, pregnant naturally within 2 months....

A year and a half is really not very long. I didn’t even go to the doctor until we had been trying for well over a year. Chances are you just needed more time.

It may be frustrating, I get that, but it is actually true.

The people I know who got pregnant naturally after a period of trying and being frustrated/upset about it - were the ones who stopped actively trying. Obviously it's a good idea to be aware of ovulation and take some folic acid , but aside from that zoning out, relaxing, not concentrating on it etc is one if the most effective things you can do.

@nokidshere and many people don't have a happy ending. People TTC already have hope all they wouldn't be TTC. Success stories don't give hope , they just cause frustration because it's not yet happened for the person trying to conceive.

I think people are either thoughtless or want to be the one to solve your problem and take all the credit. But it gave me the absolute rage.

When we were struggling to conceive and getting told to eat more Brazil nuts. Wtf are Brazil nuts going to do for me? Seriously?

Now I have bad arthritis and am constantly being told to eat more turmeric. Just f**k right off. I struggle to even be polite to people who suggest turmeric any more.

I hope you get there op, I'm sure you will. But that's not at all comforting right now. Saying stupid things about stress levels just makes me want to punch someone, which is not good for stress levels at all.

@Moralitym1n1 if they weren't actively trying they'd be using contraception. They may become less regimented over tracking ovulation etc, but in the back of their minds I can assure you they are still trying.

nokidshere and many people don't have a happy ending. People TTC already have hope all they wouldn't be TTC. Success stories don't give hope , they just cause frustration because it's not yet happened for the person trying to conceive

Which is why I said some people. I have known a great many people who have gone through years of infertility treatments and, for some of them, knowing that it has eventually happened for others has kept them from feeling that what they were doing was a waste of time.

*Each month your chances of getting pregnant are slightly under 30% if you are under 35, under 15% if you are 35-39 and only 5% after that”

When you put it like that it makes it sound so hard, probability-wise, to get pregnant - especially for those of us in our late thirties. I’m hoping to TTC and was surprised that you only have a small time-frame in which to conceive each month as well. I feel like the odds are really stacked against me!*

This is my bugbear on this subject. Those are obviously chance/risk per cycle. The odds/probability over a year or even 6 montgs is something else entirely.

The NHS fertility website currently states that;

"aged 35 to 39 – 82% will conceive after 1 year and 90% after 2 years"

That is the vast vast majority of couples.

In contrast the general population likes to tell women their fertility plummets after 35 and scare the shit out of them and make them even more uptight and stressed when TTC.

@Moralitym1n1 if they weren't actively trying they'd be using contraception. They may become less regimented over tracking ovulation etc, but in the back of their minds I can assure you they are still trying.

I have a different concept of 'not actively trying' when referring a couple who would like a child (in comparison to one who do not). I mean not timing intercourse, not inflicting the two week wait on themselves etc.

When we were struggling to conceive and getting told to eat more Brazil nuts. Wtf are Brazil nuts going to do for me? Seriously?

Selenium.

I'd imagine they think it helps fertility. I know zinc is thought to, but I hadn't heard about selenium before, wonder if there's anything in it.

Yeah, had a look and there's a lot of positive research online about selenium and fertility; originally they thought it was just make fertility, now they think it's female too.

• male

@Moralitym1n1 not inflicting the two week wait in themselves? You seriously think that when a woman is hoping to get pregnant she isn't in the back of her head praying that her period won't come? It's the same thing. I do understand what you're saying, I've been through it all... regimented ovulation kits, sex every 36 hours during ovulation week, 'relaxing' and 'stop trying' not having sex so often and just whenever we feel like it... but it is always in the back of your mind.

We are now in the situation where we have 'stopped trying'. And it is a weight off my shoulders. But we still don't use contraception and every month I'm disappointed when my period arrives. And it'll be like that until menopause I would think.

Yep I had 5 years of ivf and it was a very hard time.

We are now in the situation where we have 'stopped trying'. And it is a weight off my shoulders.

That's what I mean.

There's a difference between actively trying and being hyper aware of the tww etc. .. and between not doing anything to prevent pregnancy & not concentrating on/stressi f about opk tests, the tww etc.

I don't know anything about your circumstances (with a view to helpful advice, though maybe there's nothing new I could say and you don't want further advice) ...

The fertility, conception threads have a lot of good stuff (though they can pull you into the sort of overthinking, stressing, almost hysteria that I'm arguing is counter productive).

No amount of relaxing will change endometriosis/genetic translocations/low sperm counts.. etc etc.

I don't know about other posters on here, but I wasn't suggesting zoning out & relaxing would help anyone with an underlying fertility issue - since that would be idiotic.
If you've given it the year under 35, of the 6 months over (bearing in mind it may just take longer to get pregnant & stay pregnant, but at least you're in the system for investigation).. you should ask for referral for investigation, and keep in mind the NHS may not check everything it's useful to check, without you asking of at all eg thyroid, genetic issues.

My cousin tried for years before referral, had the hysteroscopy, discovered blocked fallopian tube, op to unblock, pregnant next month.

• sorry I should say it was the hysterosalpingography - includes fallopian tubes.