To think telling someone to stoo stressing about getting pregnant is really frustrating?

[queenqueenqueen]

I had a miscarriage in September. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but a nice surprise one, so I was really gutted when I lost the baby at 7 weeks we've been trying since then , in vain, to get pregnant but nothing has happened.

My due date came and went, and still nothing, It doesn't help that literally, everyone I know is getting pregnant, or at least that's how it feels!!! I feel like I'm totally down in the dumps over this, and I'm struggling to think about much else. We moved house I've joined a gym, I've even started a new job, and I still can't think about anything else!

I had some unusual periods and explored them with the GP who sent me for some tests, everything came back clear, and her advice was "to stop worrying about it" I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to do that?? Just want more than anything to be pregnant 😞

*or at all

I'm really sorry for your loss @queenqueenqueen

I was one of those people who'd been ttc for 16 months, got our referral sent off and found out I was pregnant the same week. I absolutely was not relaxed whilst sitting in the GP surgery crying, asking why he'd not sent our referral off.

I then had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. I have had the comments of, well at least you know you can get pregnant, it will happen, go on holiday, relax...

Its all bullshit. The worst offender is someone who had years of infertilty and eventually adopted.

I'm having counselling at the moment and I desperately want to not think about ttc all the time, but as someone upthread said, when you've tracked your cycle and monitored your cervical mucus, you don't just stop noticing and forget you are about to ovulate.

We are having a forced month off as I am having a hsg next week, which I'm trying to see as a positive and it will free my head from all the crap and intrusive thoughts and worries.

I really hope things work out and we both get our babies 🤞

@Moralitym1n1 the difference is we have stopped trying because after everything we've been through we have had to face and accept that children don't feature in our future. That's very different from stop trying as in still hoping and expecting to conceive. When I say a weight is lifted, that weight is my desperate longing for a baby and my acceptance that we will be childless. It was a 3 year grieving process from a total 9 years TTC.
When people say 'relax and stop trying' that's not what they mean.

@elasticfantastic

Sorry I'm a bit confused - the difference between what and what?

As I've said upthread, I can't speak for other people but I would obviously never advise someone who has fertility issues, or had not had fertility issues ruled out (to the extent that they can be)to relax etc.

Op has fallen pregnant - very sadly it ended in miscarriage but (unless op has an as yet undiagnosed issue with carrying full term in every case) that suggests she will fall pregnant again and, given the prevalence of miscarriage, there is hopefully no reason another pregnancy will not succeed. I know a lot of women who've had children post miscarriage, from as young as 21 to 39 and older.

I would never ever say something like that to someone who has fertility issues and/or has had fertility treatment. As I said above that would be idiotic.

I'm very sorry you've not had any 'luck'in the 9 years you've been TTC to date, have you had IVF?

Ah having reread your post, I get you now!

I was obviously talking about couples you have no diagnosed fertility issues and who stop actively trying after a while trying.

@elasticfantastic

the difference is we have stopped trying because after everything we've been through we have had to face and accept that children don't feature in our future. That's very different from stop trying as in still hoping and expecting to conceive. When I say a weight is lifted, that weight is my desperate longing for a baby and my acceptance that we will be childless

I've been there and done that so I feel for you, it's a hard thing to accept. In our case we actively pursued and tried everything for 15 years. The day the consultant said "go home there's nothing more we can do for you" we finally had to accept it and it was both a relief and a heartbreak. Those 15 years were the longest and hardest of my life. The grieving process was tough too and, like you, it took about 3 yrs to finally feel able to plan our childless future. During those 15 years my 5 sisters had a total of 13 children between them, I was the only one who couldn't get pregnant.

InFertility isn't the domain of the overweight, unfit, smokers. We sat in the assisted conception clinic month after month with fat, thin, fit, unfit, smoking, non smoking, poor, and wealthy people. There is no rhyme or reason for some people's fertility. And all the platitudes in the world can't change that however well meaning they are.

I worked in a social services nursery. Some people just don't deserve children and how unfair is it that people who don't care enough can get pregnant but not me. How dare they pop out children one after the other with no thought. These were thoughts I had daily, but I tried to remember it wasn't their fault I couldn't get pregnant, and the people who trotted out the platitudes were just trying to think of something positive to say in a difficult situation. I never wanted to adopt, or use a donor. I just wanted my own baby.

But then I became "that person". The one who, after years of heartache and treatments fell pregnant completely out of the blue. I was 39 and DH 47. We were devastated. All our new plans completely out of the window, we were too old, and a hundred other reasons that it was a bad thing not good.

Life is a curveball that's for sure. 2 years later I was pregnant again. We are the oldest parents on the block. Our boys are now 17 & 20.

So I know both sides. I try not to tell people "it might still happen", I know how patronising and heartbreaking those words can be. But at the same time, here I am.

I hope it works out for you, and for all others in the same boat. It won't for many, but for some it will.

I think people just don't know what to say sometimes! My sil had a miscarriage at 20 weeks a few years back after falling pregnant within one month of trying. She then tried again to conceive and it took over a year. I said to her that she should try to relax when she kept asking me why it wasn't happening for her. At that point they knew they had no problems conceiving eg. Low sperm or egg count but she was testing every week and getting upset at the negative tests. My remark certainly wasn't made with the intention to offend or upset but when there is no medical reason for not getting pregnant is focusing your mind on something else such a bad thing?

Completely different situation as a pp said when a partner has a low egg reserves or poor quality sperm as relaxing won't improve either of those situations, sadly.

Ahh thanks again for all your lovely replies! I've read them all @nokidshere that's a lovely story and I'm so happy for you.
It is nice to hear all the positive stories actually.
No my husband hasn't been tested - the Dr said to give it another 6 months before we go back again so guess that's what we'll do 🙁🙁

@queenqueenqueen you can get sperm analysis done privately relatively cheaply. My dh's test was £100 with the results the same day. My dh's gave the averages too, so had something to compare to. The GP used this result when referring us on.

Good luck 🤞

I'm so sorry that you went through a miscarriage big hugs. Coping with fertility issues is so stressful by nature.
My doctor told me that I wasn't getting pregnant because I was worrying too much about it and that she was confident I'd be pregnant by the end of the year. That was 2 years ago now and I've still not conceived. Ironically the stress I had wasn't so much over getting pregnant at the time, but more so the fact that I was having abnormal periods (bleeding for weeks at a time) I felt so frustrated by her attitude. xx

I hear you OP. I conceived in summer 2017, miscarried at 11 weeks in October..a week after a clear private scan where baby was moving and all looked good. It was very upsetting. We have had no luck since and at nearly 36 it’s time for me to get some further investigations I think.

But I get this all the time from people. I don’t even feel particularly up tight about getting pregnant and yet everyone tells me to relax. When I tell them I don’t feel stressed anyway they tell me I must be without realising it!

But what I find most annoying is when people then start telling me stories about how people they know have struggled to conceive and then against all the odds managed to. And honestly, that’s wonderful and hopefully I will get there...but those stories make me feel no better whatsoever about our experience so far.

@perfectionprocrastinator gosh you cannot win!!!

Thanks everyone for your helpful replies, I knew AF was coming which is wolf got me feeling down in the first place and made me write the post, but she showed up today, and kind of a feeling worse than ever. NY stupid body failed me yet again
I feel like time is slipping away ☹️ really hoping we have some luck this month 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Oh yes, well intended but useless advice for sure! While TTC I was told so many stories, by friends, relatives and doctors alike, of people who tried for ages, then gave up/decided to adopt/were about to start IVF/etc. and fell pregnant straight away. In a way it even happened for us - after two years we were about to get our IVF referral, when I conceived. I strongly suspect this is largely coincidence - people tend to start to get tests done and think about other options after 1-2 years, and it's quite likely statistically that you fall pregnant within that time if there are no actual fertility problems present. But even if there is some truth in this, it surely depends on you actually reaching the point where you're ready to stop trying, which you won't do just because someone tells you to relax! So ignore, insist on further tests after a year (or earlier if you feel there's a reason to) and good luck!

And there is still a persistent myth that if you adopt you will get pregnant naturally. I’m sure that did happen in pre IVF days when adoption was the only alternative, but the people doing it were likely to be younger and adoption quicker and more straightforward. So they were statistically quite likely to conceive after doing so anyway.

My MIL’s best friend took four years to conceive her first child back in the 50s. Had she adopted after two years of trying no doubt everyone would have said it was the adoption that got her pregnant!

You are definitely not being unreasonable but I tried for two years naturally and the minute I stopped caring and relaxed I actually did fall pregnant so i think there is some truth to it imo.

It's incredibly annoying and infuriating. Particularly when delivered by someone who found conceiving easy. Realistically it won't happen for a lot of people with fertility issues, the whole "relax suggestions" are unhelpful and just increasing the pressure and stress on people. Interestingly l bet people don't say this to men, they never say to my boyfriend

The stories about "my aunties friends cousin" are annoying and pointless as well

@Mookie81 yeah people love to mention that, it's never the people who have adopted though. Not that there is anything wrong with adoption but l want to have my boyfriends child. Can we also have a special shout out for people who say "go get some IVF". Like it's a pint of milk or packet of crisps. Not something that costs thousands and the NHS in a lot of areas won't fund and / or have very stringent conditions around

Maybe this should have gone on the conception board. There have been a number of aggravating responses

there has been a study though done that IVF was less successful with those who had had elevated cortisol for a period of time. There's another study ongoing now to see if results are replicated www.carefertility.com/blog/does-stress-cause-infertility/

So sorry to hear this. It's awful. I've had 6 and 3 trying for our 3rd child. Did your GP check your thyroid? Now 41 and 38 weeks with surprise number 4, those stats about percentages of falling pg each month are bollocks. They are not based on your body. Advocate for yourself with your GP. Get yourself into great physical shape, take supplements, spend lots of fun sex time with your DP and enjoy your days now before the baby does come along (and it will). This things I've mentioned may or may not help but they give you a sense of control in what feels completely uncontrollable. That's where the stress comes from.

Oh and remember there are two elements needed to make a baby, an egg and a sperm. We women take too much of the 'blame'. My miscarriages were put into the 'unlucky' basket because my tests were fine. We never tested DH. There is plenty of newer research that suggests sperm health is equally responsible for mc. Dont assume just because it happens through your body, your body is failing you. You can't make bread rise with shit yeast, no matter how good the oven.

Sorry OP. It's tough, I'm childfree so literally cannot relate to people who are deeply sad about not being able to conceive and genuinely don't know what to say to them.

Oh guys, what a load of non science on here. It's so sad to see the myths being perpetuated. There is absolutely no evidence that relaxing makes you more likely to conceive. None. Zero. Nada. Same with laying with your legs up on the air and a variety of other old wives tales about pregnancy.
All the anecdotal stories are coincidental timing, probably because you'd been trying long enough to increase your individual chances of success regardless.

I wonder how your logic would explain why we ended up needing multiple rounds of ivf when we had a totally relaxed attitude about our unexplained infertility?
You know what did make a difference? A ton more fertility drugs to grow decent embryos and a ton more fertility drugs to get them to stay put. Not being more relaxed 🙈

I feel very similar. We had a surprise pregnancy last year, not planned but very much wanted as soon as we found out but we only knew for 9 days before I had to have emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. I now have no left tube and have had to cope with the fact that my fertility (something I'd never really thought or worried about in the slightest) is now to a certain degree compromised.

The last year has been hard. It seems everyone I know is having babies and doing big pregnancy reveals on FB and you feel awful for sitting there and not being happy for them. It is hard when you get to milestones like what should have been your due date etc and I have days where I'm absolutely fine and other days where it is all I think about and how unfair it is

But I have learnt to focus on the positive things. We got married in March, we have a trip to New York coming up so we've talked and decided after that we'll see how it goes. We've had a couple of comments from people asking when we're having kids but I can't get too worked up about it as they've come from people who didn't actually know I'd had an ectopic pregnancy and what we'd been through

I know it's easier said than done but I can see why people say "just relax, don't worry/stress etc" but I hope to try and keep that mindset when we do start trying

I hope it all goes well for you xx

Even when not referring to trying to conceive telling someone to relax is never going to work

Imagine your partner/friend/mother has done something to really annoy you - and then tells you to relax - odds are you are now more tense than you were before

I imagine what the doctor was meaning was 'there's no reason why things shouldn't happen for you - and you probably will be in the 90% of women who conceive within a year of trying so try not to worry that there's a problem'

In some ways the fact that previously you conceived without trying probably makes it harder

Sorry OP. It's tough, I'm childfree so literally cannot relate to people who are deeply sad about not being able to conceive and genuinely don't know what to say to them.

If it comes up in conversation you say “sorry you’re having a tough time of it” or “sorry for your loss”. You simply acknowledge the other person is going through something without offering any “well at least...” or any advice or suggestions, or stories about someone you know’s best friend’s auntie’s cousin who tried xyz and got/stayed pregnant. You let them rant and then give them a hug if appropriate.

Most people mean well but when I had my third mc a dear childfree friend who only wishes me well told me not to give up because his old boss and his wife had 7 miscarriages but got there in the end after 15 years and loads of ivf cycles

I didn’t want more losses, or ivf or to wait 15 years to have a baby. Why would that be helpful information?

The things that help are a hug, a lasagne left on the doorstep, acknowledgement that while you can’t empathise you do sympathise.

I still have both my parents but when friends have lost theirs I try to say and do supportive things, don’t pretend I understand how shit it feels for them and would never say “well at least they lived as long as they did/are no longer in pain/will stop being so difficult and awful to you/won’t need as much looking after”. I say “god that’s shit, I’m so sorry, have some hugs/wine/cake, I’m here to listen”.