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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My DH says I’m lying when he doesn’t want to know the truth

73 replies

Grahamcrackers · 28/05/2019 11:17

Ok, DH has this habit that when he doesn’t want to hear something, such as someone has died or his parents have contacted me despite my telling them not to (long story, they are bullies) he says it’s not true.

He refuses to look at “evidence” (newspapers or emails) to prove it and actually why the hell should I prove anything. I forward the emails from his parents, he says he doesn’t get them or deletes them and says he’s not interested. Then he says they never sent them.

I think he has a problem. What do I do? It seems to be only me he does this to, not sure about at work.

He always said “Nooo!” when he heard something he didn’t like (like when Princess Diana died, he didn’t believe my mother 🙄) but used to go straight to google (rude) and check up. He’d never apologise for implying or saying outright the person was a liar.

Now he doesn’t even check, just says I’m lying. The other day it was suncteam. I saw him spraying cream onto DS’s face and he got it in his eyes. I said it said on the tin that it was not to be sprayed on the face. He called me a liar. It does say it on the tin. I tried to show him later and he had thrown the can away.

His parents are just like this. The older he gets the more he is like them.

AIBU to call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter so DH knows that I am not lying?

OP posts:
CalamityJess · 28/05/2019 11:21

This would infuriate me, how selfish, childish and utterly ridiculous of him.

But I don’t see how you calling the police or getting a solicitor involved is going to help? YABU to do that (unless there’s a backstory of course) but YANBU to find his behaviour unacceptable.

Knittedfairies · 28/05/2019 11:21

Very unreasonable to call the police about his parents, and a solicitor's letter seems OTT too.

gamerchick · 28/05/2019 11:22

Has his parents done something to warrant the police? It's a bit of a leap to go from my husband won't accept what I'm telling him to police and solicitors.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/05/2019 11:23

I was with you until the end bit...

You want to send him a police letter?

HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 11:24

It's no surprise you don't want contact with his parents.

I would find this incredibly difficult to deal with and would wonder what the point was in talking to him at all.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 11:24

You sit him down and you say that you are no longer prepared to stay in the marriage and put up with this particularly bizarre behaviour, and he either agrees to counselling, where he WILL listen to what you have to say about this and the effect it is having on you and your relationship... or you split now.

It sounds OTT, but need to really shock him in order to make him hear you. Now, before you simply grow to hate him and the relationship is completely eroded anyway.

Very odd behaviour.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/05/2019 11:24

Why would you be involving the police or a solicitor?

Why do his parents email you?

Why on earth are you putting up with this absolute joke?

TinselAndKnickers · 28/05/2019 11:26

Ummmmm I was with you until the end.

Your husband sounds childish and unbearable- but don't call the police! What do you want him to believe this time?

Apileofballyhoo · 28/05/2019 11:26

I'd spend time figuring out if he can change (therapy of some sort) and if he can't or won't I'd leave.

Redglitter · 28/05/2019 11:27

What on earth would you be contacting the Police about?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 11:27

Well OP doesn't go into details but basically if his parents are/have been acting aggressively or pushily, and OP has told them to stop contacting her and they continue to - then yes it's harrassment and if she posted that on its own, people would indeed suggest going to the police/sending a solicitor's letter to get it to stop.

That kind of stress must feel 100 times worse if you're being harrassed and your own H is telling you you're actually making it up and he didn't get the emails you forwarded him. Gaslighting much?! That's awful behaviour!

EKGEMS · 28/05/2019 11:30

Would he believe you if you say you're divorcing him?

AutumnCrow · 28/05/2019 11:33

You have two issues, albeit related.

  1. Email his parents and tell them you will no longer engage with them and to stop harassing you or you will be reporting them. Then block and delete. Not your circus etc. Let your DH know you have done this.
  1. Tell him to grow up, get help, and move forward. He really doesn't sound very well at all tbh.
MirriVan · 28/05/2019 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 28/05/2019 11:35

Sorry I’m with previous posters- contact the police? Come again......

Hoppinggreen · 28/05/2019 11:40

Very very weird and I bet it will only get worse if his parents are the same
Getting solicitors and police involved is over the top but I have no idea what you can do
Does he do it with your son as well?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2019 11:42

Can you fill us in on the missing paragraph(s) about his parents?

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2019 11:43

Yes, different issues. Some stuff is between you and his parents - there's no need for his involvement. You deal as you see fit. Inform him afterwards if you like.

The pathological lying and accusations of lying - sounds like part of a personality disorder. He clearly doesn't see anyone other than himself as important or truly real. You have to decide if you can live with that or not.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 28/05/2019 11:44

You have left an awful lot of important detail out of your post.

We can't tell you if going to the police is unreasonable or not unless you tell us what it is about!!

FermatsTheorem · 28/05/2019 11:46

Police would be batshit crazy on your part.

Solicitor - well, only the sort specialising in divorce.

Either he is an intensely irritating but sane individual, in which case I'd be divorcing him if I were you.

Or he's got some sort of mental health issue, which is not easy to live with (I spent a long time with someone with mental health issues) and not easily fixed (it's in the very nature of this sort of mental health problem that, because the person with it sees it as an external problem, in this case "other people are lying to me", that any attempt to get them to seek health gets dismissed as yet more evidence that "other people are lying to me - and now they're trying to make out I'm nuts.") In this case, it may well be that in the long run for your own sanity divorce is the only option.

I couldn't live with a bloke like this.

His parents are a side issue (well, they may be relevant if their behaviour explains why he is the way he is, but seriously, he's your main problem).

thecatsthecats · 28/05/2019 11:47

I'm afraid that any form of 'evidence' from teh police or a solicitor may help stop his parents harrassing you, but won't make him act normally.

I agree with PP who said it needs very clearly outlining to him that this behaviour has to stop - and it IS one sided. You can be patient and kind whilst he learns that it is safe to be wrong, but yours isn't the behaviour that needs fixing.

My mum actually suffers a bit from this, about being blamed for things. Incredibly harsh Catholic parents and an abusive first husband entrenched that. I think the idea of being to blame utterly panics her, so she goes into overdrive justifying whether really minor things are her fault, instead of just going 'oops, brainfart, never mind we forgot the mustard for the picnic'. Sounds similar, plus an (un)healthy dose of fear of difficult circumstances.

ShowMeTheKittens · 28/05/2019 11:47

You may not realise it; but his behaviour is part of an abusive pattern. It's called gaslighting.
Calling someone a liar when they are clearly not and denying truths are manipulative and cruel.
I just cannot follow the rest of your post about Police... something more to this and so we cannot judge.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/05/2019 11:48

He sounds unhinged

If his parents are harassing you then yes, do inform the police.

I’d simply not engage with him on stuff like that, deal with it but don’t bother telling him. As for the sun cream etc, I’d simply tell him not to do it as it’s hurting your dc, if he does it again it’s bordering on abuse tbh, if not that is shit parenting

carrotflinger · 28/05/2019 11:55

What is the backstory with his parents? Why would you feel you need to go to the police?
Tell them to stop contacting you and then delete anything.
Your DH obviously doesn't want to engage with them for some reason, to the extent he is claiming that you are lying about them contacting you.
He sounds like hard work though if he keeps calling you a liar for minor things. I wouldn't be able to cope with that.
Can you try saying to him that he is not to say you are lying or that you are liar? In other words, ban those words. Say that it upsets you.
If he can't/won't moderate his language then maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

megrichardson · 28/05/2019 11:56

I've met people like him before: If you know something and they don't, they assume you're lying. I don't know why anyone would do that, perhaps they feel threatened. It must be exhausting for you OP, and ultimately very tiresome. Do you want to stay married to this man?

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