My DH says I’m lying when he doesn’t want to know the truth

[Grahamcrackers]

Ok, DH has this habit that when he doesn’t want to hear something, such as someone has died or his parents have contacted me despite my telling them not to (long story, they are bullies) he says it’s not true.

He refuses to look at “evidence” (newspapers or emails) to prove it and actually why the hell should I prove anything. I forward the emails from his parents, he says he doesn’t get them or deletes them and says he’s not interested. Then he says they never sent them.

I think he has a problem. What do I do? It seems to be only me he does this to, not sure about at work.

He always said “Nooo!” when he heard something he didn’t like (like when Princess Diana died, he didn’t believe my mother 🙄) but used to go straight to google (rude) and check up. He’d never apologise for implying or saying outright the person was a liar.

Now he doesn’t even check, just says I’m lying. The other day it was suncteam. I saw him spraying cream onto DS’s face and he got it in his eyes. I said it said on the tin that it was not to be sprayed on the face. He called me a liar. It does say it on the tin. I tried to show him later and he had thrown the can away.

His parents are just like this. The older he gets the more he is like them.

AIBU to call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter so DH knows that I am not lying?

He sounds like he has some issues, that his parents have mainly caused, that he is now inflicting on you.

He needs counselling and he needs to sort it.

Have an open and frank conversation with him. You really can't continue on like this. In some ways, I think it's a form of abuse - shutting you down completely, not believing you, gaslighting to an effect. It won't get better unless he gets better.

I think he needs to make a choice. Go into counselling or split. Because ultimately if you stay without him receiving help, it will damage you and your DC.

This is just all so weird I don't really know what to say. Call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter? I need more info to bridge that gap.

And his behaviour is quite inexplicable. I mean, my DP infuriates me in a not dissimilar way sometimes, but with him I'll say e.g. 'Let's go to x film; it's not on at our local but it is on at y cinema' and he'll say 'Is it not on at the local?' and look it up himself, like I've made it up But he'd never throw away evidence like the sun cream, or refuse to look at the news.

AIBU to call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter so DH knows that I am not lying?

^^

Do call un

Do call, meant to say

Sorry but your DH sounds completely nuts and his behaviour is going to end up driving you around the bend too. You’ll start to doubt yourself about everything. What he is doing is a common form of psychological bullying. Not to mention your poor DS who might also start to pick up this ridiculous trait the more he is exposed to it. Insist your DH goes into therapy for both your sakes.

Can you live with this?

How are you able to protect your child?

what an unusual way to behave.

he sounds emotionally abusive. being called a liar is not nice and is upsetting. he knows this and he is trying to control your behaviour by calling you a liar.

i am interested to know what he would do if you actually told him a lie, like if you told him the Queen had died when she hadn't, or something like that. would he ever admit he had looked it up himself and found it not to be true, or would he never admit that he is interested enough in what you're saying to check it?

or if something happened to his parents and you never told him. if he later questioned you on it, what would he do if you said "I can't tell you anything about your parents because you ignore me and call me a liar".

it's all very weird. you need to be able to communicate with your husband. or anyone you live with for that matter. and you need to be able to trust each other too.

also as he seems abusive, it's probably not a good idea at all to find out how he reacts when you tell him a genuine lie.

do you want to continue being married to him?

Did you miss out a paragraph? The police thing has really confused me.

Other than that YANBU, he sounds nuts.

AIBU to call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter so DH knows that I am not lying?

Yes, YABU.

He already knows that you aren't lying.

Don't kid yourself that he doesn't know you're telling the truth... it's why he destroys the evidence that you're right.

I don't know if I could live with that if it happens often. I'd probably insist on him getting counselling. There's no point going off the deep end with solicitors and police - he's obviously got some psychological reason to deny the obvious truth so more evidence won't help.

Your focus is on the wrong thing - it's on 'proving yourself right' to him. Which is impossible.

It should be on protecting yourself and your wellbeing (and that of any DCs you have) and on making a happy life for yourselves.

If you need police intervention to stop your ILs from harrassing you, so be it. Get it sorted out.

If you cannot live with someone who is psychologically abnormal and who may be deliberately abusing you, in ways that are deeply entrenched and that you cannot change, then don't.

Or, if you can find a way to accommodate living with the above that works for you - and involves giving no time or energy to caring what he believes - you could choose that.

So, if he doesn't like something he just says you're lieing?

If your kid was sick and he wanted to go out and do something, but you said "we can't, he's sick" would he listen or call you a liar? I just don't understand.

The sun cream thing; loads of people spray it on their kids faces and if their partner told them not too, they'd probably say "oh, don't worry, it's fine. They just say that so you can sue if it goes in eyes". They'd understand that it says that, but choose to ignore it. But your husband says that you're lieing. It's just such a bizarre way to behave. And then he throws away the evidence?

If it was an email situation and you didn't pre-warn him but instead just said, "oh, come look at this" and then he'd look at the email from his parents... Would he claim that you'd faked it?

Can you have discussions with him about it?

I'd just leave him. He'd believe you eventually, after the house was empty for a few years.

You sit him down and you say that you are no longer prepared to stay in the marriage and put up with this particularly bizarre behaviour, and he either agrees to counselling, where he WILL listen to what you have to say about this and the effect it is having on you and your relationship... or you split now.

From the experience of a family member whose partner is a chronic liar/gaslighter, counselling will not necessarily push someone towards accepting truth or reducing the lies/gaslighting. For a chronic liar/gaslighter, it can be true that their need to preserve their own vision of themselves and the world is more important than anything/anyone else. And it doesn't matter how unsustainable the lie is or how readily it crumbles when subjected to the lightest scrutiny.

The reasons behind this can be a harsh upbringing and a terror of being found out or wrong or it might be something else.

To a huge extent, the origins are immaterial to the people who are harmed by the denial and the lies. And sometimes people can wait a lifetime and never address or be able to fix their default reflex to lie/gaslight.

If somebody shows no ability to be accountable for their actions or actually demonstrate any attempt to change then that is useful information. Splitting can be the best thing that you can do to protect yourself and others.

In the meantime, I'd be quite tempted to mess with this a bit - drop made-up stories and 'facts' into conversation. If he ever challenges you, say 'I didn't say that! What are you talking about? You do have an active imagination, don't you!'.

I agree that this is a type of gaslighting.

How can you live like this?

What about the impact on DC?

Can you elaborate re parents and police?

Is he in contact with his parents? Does he want to receive the emails?

He is gaslighting you and is fully aware of what he's doing.

There is no point in trying to prove anything to him or to expect him to change as this behaviour allows him to be completely unaccountable. It's a form of abuse & you need to leave him.

Well of course he is like his parents. By and large people are very much like their parents. I warn my grown up kids not to stay in relationships with people if they dislike their parents.

I find his behaviour scary, but that’s because it reminds me of my ex. He also refused to believe or contemplate anything that did not suit him, and was also a pathological liar. He refused to believe that I was leaving. It did not stop him emptying the joint bank account after I left and repeatedly phoning my family and friends with crazy stories. Be careful with that personality trait, OP.

He knows you’re telling the truth. He just doesn’t want to deal with it hence the ridiculous responses.

Don’t spend time trying to get him to believe you. That’s playing to his tune.

Can you please clarify what you would like the police to do?

The police would caution the ILs for harrassment I hope. I have asked them to leave me alone but they purposefully send emails and texts and make phone calls to my landline. I don’t know what else would stop them. Obviously DH won’t as he says they don’t contact me.

Actually yesterday I told him some information from one of the mails that I wouldn’t have known if they hadn’t told me (it was the anniversary of something and the ILs had emailed and told me I should have sent a gift. Note they don’t tell DH this stuff even though he’s related to them 🙄).

I told DH and he was quiet, I think he realises there was no way I would have known.

I think he’s depressed.