My DH says I’m lying when he doesn’t want to know the truth

[Grahamcrackers]

Ok, DH has this habit that when he doesn’t want to hear something, such as someone has died or his parents have contacted me despite my telling them not to (long story, they are bullies) he says it’s not true.

He refuses to look at “evidence” (newspapers or emails) to prove it and actually why the hell should I prove anything. I forward the emails from his parents, he says he doesn’t get them or deletes them and says he’s not interested. Then he says they never sent them.

I think he has a problem. What do I do? It seems to be only me he does this to, not sure about at work.

He always said “Nooo!” when he heard something he didn’t like (like when Princess Diana died, he didn’t believe my mother 🙄) but used to go straight to google (rude) and check up. He’d never apologise for implying or saying outright the person was a liar.

Now he doesn’t even check, just says I’m lying. The other day it was suncteam. I saw him spraying cream onto DS’s face and he got it in his eyes. I said it said on the tin that it was not to be sprayed on the face. He called me a liar. It does say it on the tin. I tried to show him later and he had thrown the can away.

His parents are just like this. The older he gets the more he is like them.

AIBU to call the police about his parents or send a solicitors letter so DH knows that I am not lying?

"The police would caution the ILs for harrassment I hope. I have asked them to leave me alone but they purposefully send emails and texts and make phone calls to my landline. I don’t know what else would stop them."

You block their emails, block their phone number, and get caller display and don't answer the phone when they ring. Or change your landline number.

You DH sounds nuts OP.

First time I have heard of a grown ass person acting so ridiculously immature. Would be a relationship breaker for me personally, I couldn't live with or be with someone I can't have a proper conversation with.

All 3 of them sound nuts with some extremely unresolved issues. He needs to see a therapist to work out why he does this. It’s obviously a learned toxic behaviour from his parents – an avoidance tactic regarding conflict, arrogance of one’s own opinion, etc. But even to the extent that he’s refusing to look at a can of sunscreen?

How the fuck does he pull this off at work? If he doesn’t do this at work, then that’s a huge red flag about the way he sees you and your relationship. As in, he may see you as “below” his intelligence and doesn’t have to listen to your yammering, etc.

You block their emails, block their phone number, and get caller display and don't answer the phone when they ring. Or change your landline number.

I agree with this. However, for me it would be irrelevant as I would not live in such a toxic situation. Why are you still with him?

OP, you do know you can block people, right? But it makes sense to send them a final warning to desist from contacting you before going to the police.

I block them, they change email address or number. MIL uses other people’s phones to call people who won’t pick up to her. She told me once. People are NOT ALLOWED to not speak to them. They said they would call the police because I wouldn’t speak to them 😂. They wouldn’t because they are scared of the police but the threat was telling.

Mate, ignore your in laws. That's that bit sorted.

You're living with a man who sprays suncream near your child's eyes then calls you a liar. You need to either leave him or put a nuclear rocket up his arse to make him act like a decent parent and husband. You have to pick one and do it.

Honestly? I’d leave. Couldn’t cope with this at all.

This all seems odd. He calls you a liar. You want to call the police about emails and send solicitors' letters
Is he gaslighting you or is his automatic response to surprising news to go into denial? I don't understand why you feel the need to prove everything to him. That sounds exhausting and as though it either comes from him undermining you all the time or because you need to control information. Only you will know which it is. What do people in RL think about the dynamic between you?

So give them a final warning and then seek assistance from the police as to next steps. Meanwhile, you can delete emails and texts without reading them, and hang up on phone calls / refuse to answer / delete voicemails without listening to them; and chuck post in the bin.

I've had experience of this, unfortunately. The police were very helpful, once I'd explained the steps I'd already taken - ie, shown that I was behaving reasonably, and the other party wasn't.

The thing is, though, the police may ask what your husband has to say about his parents. He's a loose canon, isn't he? He could come out with absolute crap and make you out to be the unhinged one. He sounds unwell, as I said earlier, so be ready for that and to disclose that.

He might be depressed AS WELL as having a personality disorder / deep, serious issues that have resulted in his being an abusive gaslighter. Don't make excuses for him. It's clear from what you've written that he's always been like this, he's just getting more entrenched in his habits. Recognise that this is what you're dealing with and you cannot make him change.

You probably canot help him change either. He'd have to want to and it's pretty clear he doesn't. He might recover from depression. He'll still be a pathological liar.

I block them, they change email address or number. MIL uses other people’s phones to call people who won’t pick up to her.

Change your own email address and phone number and don't tell her what the new ones are. Tell your husband that if she finds out you will know it is because he gave it to her and you will be walking out. If you pick up the landline phone and it's her on the other end, put the phone down and either disconnect it for at least an hour or walk out of the room where it is.

If changing your own phone number/e-mail won't work (Husband May pass it on?) just STOP answering the phone and don't open or answer e-mails.
Blame faulty phone & tell them that their e-mails have gone straight to junk haven't been delivered if they ask.

This is so bizzare. What are they harressing you about? I'd leave tbh. The whole family sound batshit.

Yes you don't have to read or listen to their messages. You can hang up on them. You don't have to be polite to people who are harrassing you - that's how they do it, preying on your sense of social obligation.

Tell them once and for all that you have ended contact with them and do not want to hear anything more from them. Then stick to it yourself.

You need to be a lot more assertive, with everyone.

If your DH is spraying suncream in your child's eyes, you stop him immediately because it's dangerous and painful, not because it says so on the tin. You have authority.

Change your husband?

You didn't have to tell him about the ILs message. You know he doesn't want to hear from them but you told him what they said. You can ignore ILs stuff, but you aren't. Or hang up when they phone.

Is it the ILs stuff which is making him behave as extremely as he does because you need to cut them off. If it is other reasons then he needs to agree he will try counselling.

Btw, how does he respond when you do assert yourself? When you present yourself as the authority? As the person whose perspective, experience or feelings matter? When you tell him 'no' or 'I am doing this' or 'I need you to stop that' or 'that is not ok'?

Do you ever do that?

If not, why not?

Does he ever behave as if you, your wellbeing and your feelings matter?

You seem to be dependent on external sources of authority and validation - him included (the way you write it, your PILs' harrassment is only 'real' if he agrees it is). Why? Why don't you trust yourself or recognise the validity of your own experience?

I’m telling him because they are his fucking parents who are out of control.

They do it because he won’t speak to them so they think if they tell me to tell him to ring and he doesn’t, they can blame me for his not speaking to them. MIL said I must, quote, “have him chained to a radiator” because he won’t visit them. DH might tell them that for all I know.

They are nasty.

Ok but he's not going to do anything about it. So, what is the best way you can protect yourself and your DC?

I’m not defending him but has he been seen for any type of MH conditions? I have a friend who was rather similar upon hearing things she didn’t want to/couldn’t deal with - she’d either deny conversations ever took place or call the one giving the information an outright liar. We always said she buried her head like an ostrich because she didn’t want to deal. A few years later she was diagnosed with a Dissociative Disorder which came in the form of a distorted perception of reality when put under emotional pressure. Not saying he definitely has the same, maybe he is just a man-child who is being a dick. But it’s worth maybe exploring if possible as it’s highly unusual for him to just deny events have ever happened constantly :/

Sorry you’re going through such a rough time OP

But you can't fix the problems between his DPs and him, they need to accept he is non contact. Block them.

You've been married to him for too long & have absorbed some of his/his parents batshit crazy view of life & the world. They say they'll call the police if you don't speak to them, you wonder if you can get the police to stop them emailing/phoning you. Remind yourself what normal is, how you can have normal back in your life if you abandon any hope of changing him or them & get them out of your life. Your child will thank you for it.