if your partner lied about who they voted for....

[yarnit]

In this case, pretending they voted labour, but actually voted UKIP, WWYD? Would you be upset? Would you leg it slide as technically it's their choice? What if it goes against all you believe in?

Curious to know what you'd feel...

Genuine question: what non-racist options are there?

Labour bombed the Slavs in Yugoslavia, the Iraqis, etc etc

The Tories... don't get me fucking started on their immigration policies. May wouldn't even acknowledge any of the Windrush generation had been illegally deported.

My DH has taken on a very unattractive new conservative politics demeanour in his middle-age. Like, used to volunteer at the refugee resource centre and now sounds like Mike Pence.

It’s totally out of step with all our friends circle, and both our families. He gets quite preachy and defensive, and I find it ENORMOUSLY embarrassing.

I can only WISH he’d secretly vote and not tell me. I certainly wouldn’t be winkling it out of him. Discovering it was one thing, but living with it long term is quite another.

Turns out it’s a very big deal to leave a marriage due to your partner’s politics. Not sure everyone who proclaims they’d do it in a heartbeat would really have the balls. I know I don’t.

It will never happen, but if my DW ever voted UKIP//Brexit Party/Tommy Robinson types/ even Tory, I don’t think our relationship would survive. Part of what makes us work is that we have similar values. It would be fine for us to vote for different parties (we did last week) but I think if either of us started leaning towards any of those, the other would lose respect.

yarnit you haven't failed your son
Realising his father is an asshat this early on, getting away from him, and bringing your son up to be open not closed-minded are all positives, not failures!

I came on to say that DH and I have on occasion voted for different parties (but Labour / Tory during Brown vs Cameron, which seems more benign than it does now). As a person of colour I couldn't be with someone who voted UKIP. However, I can imagine staying friends with someone who voted opposite to me in the referendum.

All that aside your ex sounds like a twatbucket. Is he hands on or interested in your son? I hope you get child support from him, but if he's not interested in contact no great loss I suppose? (Sorry, that sounds callous.. but it's probably better for your son not to be exposed to a racist dad than any supposed benefits from contact with a father).

I lied to my DP about my vote in the Scottish indyref, because he was easier to lie to than my family. (my family are staunch yes, I voted no but didn't want to break their hearts so said I voted yes. DP was disappointed in me but his disappointment is easier to live with than my family's utter heartbreak and anger).

It's only in recent years I've come to really understand the meaning and value of the secret ballot. There is simply no democracy without it.

I'm really sorry your ex turned out to be a twat, but if a name is on a ballot in this country then its a citizens personal choice to tick it.

Your relationship is over anyway, I'm surprised you had kids with him and had no idea of his leanings. Now you know.

I'm surprised you had kids with him and had no idea of his leanings

These are the types of comments that make me feel like utter shit

I doubt I'd ask my partner how they voted; it wouldn't be of any great interest to me.

I think Scottish independence and racism are apples and oranges.
The independence debate was publicly discussed.
At length.
People go to great efforts to deny or conceal their racism.

In my family, voting no is the same as being a Tory. So it's seen as just as bad as Ukip etc. I had to lie or it would have been unbearable.

Having said that, I'm not lying next time round. I'm just going to refuse to discuss it.

In principle, I would say that how a person voted is up to them and no-one has the right to know someone else's vote at all.

In practice, I would have a big fucking problem with it if I found out DH had voted UKIP, whether or not he lied about it. I would feel like I didn't know him at all and that we didn't share values in the way I'd thought. I don't think I would "just leave", and Skittles is right to point out that it's a hell of a lot more complicated than that when you have enmeshed lives and DC, but it would certainly damage both my love and my trust.

If I were black or an immigrant it would be even worse. Again, I don't know how easy it would be to just walk away but I don't see how a problem of that scale could be papered over.

OP I'm sorry your DC's dad is a racist twat. It is not your fault. It really isn't. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for now but don't panic about your son - if he is a vaguely decent dad it may not come up and if he's a shit dad that's probably more of an immediate problem than the racism anyway. His abuse of you would probably worry me more tbh.

You shouldn't be asking how they voted. Its private

OP: loads of women are taken in by arsehole men and abusers. It doesn't mean you are stupid or 'make bad choices'. He's the bad person here. He decieved you. He is, at absolute best, a weak person who doesn't want to look like a 'communist' in front of his thick, bigoted friends and family.

As a pp said, these situations do arise as well in poorer communities: people can simultaneously have friends/partners/kids from different ethnic groups yet come out with horribly racist remarks: it's this idea of you are all right, not like those other [insert name of specific group].