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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if your partner lied about who they voted for....

88 replies

yarnit · 28/05/2019 10:02

In this case, pretending they voted labour, but actually voted UKIP, WWYD? Would you be upset? Would you leg it slide as technically it's their choice? What if it goes against all you believe in?

Curious to know what you'd feel...

OP posts:
Original poster
yarnit · 28/05/2019 10:13

I didn't mention those details in my original post as wanted unbiased opinions (which I received, thanks all!)

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/05/2019 10:13

I'd worry about why they lied, and I'd also worry about why they voted UKIP. Neither would bode well.

DH and I don't often talk politics because we're very different in how we vote. But I don't think he'd ever lie about it, that would be a different game.

Charles11 · 28/05/2019 10:15

Dh and I argue over politics so we don’t discuss it anymore. We didn’t tell each other who we voted for on my request because I find it frustrating. His political views don’t align with how he lives so I just get annoyed about why he backs certain political viewpoints and we end up arguing.
We’d never lie about it and I’m mature enough to accept the differences.

Original poster
yarnit · 28/05/2019 10:16

This happened during the last general election. I found out he lied because he told someone he lied and joked about it. I asked him why he couldn't be honest with me and if he voted UKIP for non racist reasons I could have probably got my head round it. Lying made it seem all the more sinister.

He was emotionally abusive towards me. It was easy for him to lie.

OP posts:
shitholiday2018 · 28/05/2019 10:16

I’d think it’s none of my business! I’m a life long labour voter who voted Lib Dem as I want to remain. In my age group, it’s a popular choice. Sold Brexiteers are embarrassed about their vote as it stands out in our community. They may keep it quiet. And why not?

The wonder of modern democracy. The secret ballot.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/05/2019 10:16

Crikey, just seen your update. The main thing is that you aren't responsible for how he voted or what he believes. People are very good at hiding their ugly sides until they're comfortable in relationships, and perhaps instead of beating yourself up over not spotting his racism, remember that he deceived you and it's happened to so many people. Flowers

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 28/05/2019 10:16

Prejudiced people can often hide their prejudice to get what they want.
Or their prejudice operates in an inconsistent way.
I know a very bigoted white man who had a daughter with a black woman. He is clearly racist but kept it hidden long enough to manage that. And he is careful what he says around his daughter.

Not everyone prioritises political discussions in a relationship so I think we assume people think like us unless we are confronted with evidence to the contrary.

alittleprivacy · 28/05/2019 10:18

Wow some people on this thread are really being arseholes to the OP and suggesting her poor husband is frightened of her anger. I know this is the 'viper's nest' and all but is there really any need to be so bullying for no reason?????????

A reasonable degree of political compatibility is usually necessary in a relationship. I have friends across the political spectrum and that's no issue but to be able to build a life and raise children with someone we'd need to have similar values and being the polar opposite politically is unlikely to work. UKIP is an extreme party and one that has grown more extreme in recent years. Very, very few people of even a centre-right leaning are going to be able to build a life in partnership with a UKIP voter.

For the OP who's very identity is one that puts automatically her at odds with what UKIP stand for, it's going to be very hard for her to keep building a life with someone who votes for them. And it's very obvious that her partner most likely lied in order to not have to face up to the fact that their relationship is not likely to be compatible anymore.

DGRossetti · 28/05/2019 10:22

voted UKIP for non racist reasons

Isn't that like reading Playboy "for the articles" ?

Nesssie · 28/05/2019 10:23

Honestly. Its not your business. Especially the fact that you aren't even together. He lied to either spare your feelings or not start a fight.
If he was with you, hes obviously not an inherent racist, perhaps he just agrees with some of the UKIP policies? Nothing wrong with that.

You too aren't compatible, you've split up, he can have whatever political views he wants.

Original poster
yarnit · 28/05/2019 10:25

Trust me, he wasn't scared of me. Me who did everything for him and would sit upstairs and cry after he told me how fat and ugly I was becoming at 6 months pregnant and that pregnancy was no excuse to not go to the gym.

I can get over the fact that he treated me appallingly but the fact that I'm going to have to send my mixed rave son off to his house when he's old enough for overnight stays when I know he's got racist views makes me feel sick. I want to do everything in my power for my son to embrace and love every inch of himself. The black AND white heritage.

I feel like a fool. I feel like I've failed my son. I experience a lifetime of racism and the idea of my son having a racist for a dad and me having entered in to a relationship with one is horrid to accept.

OP posts:
endlesslyrepeating · 28/05/2019 10:28

Gather evidence - you’re not powerless. Any racist statements he makes to your son, you get SS involved. Keep good records of things that worry you.

Jaxhog · 28/05/2019 10:29

How did you find out?

Original poster
yarnit · 28/05/2019 10:30

At the time he joked about it with a mutual friend. He told them that I'd believe any old drivel he told me. This got back to me and I confronted him at the time. I was pregnant and it wasn't exactly easy to get up and leave though.

OP posts:
wigglybeezer · 28/05/2019 10:31

I'm trying to play devils advocate here but I think the type of racist views held by some people including many Brexit voters is a manifestation of a fear of change rather than a culturally entrenched feeling of racial superiority ( as you get to in places where racism supports a long established power imbalance). Therefore people who feel entirely comfortable with established immigrant neighbours that they grew up with may still not like new people arriving. I'm not trying to justify racist views just trying to say that while your ex may vote UKIP he may also have no racist feelings towards you or your child. Bad for the country but may not have much of an effect on your child's self- esteem, I hope. I also hope your ex sees sense in the end.

happyhillock · 28/05/2019 10:31

Why is it your business who he voted for your not together? Anyway i wouldn't have cared who my ex had voted for everyone has different opinions, i certainly wouldn't have left him for voting differently for me, there's worse thing's in the world they could do

Qweenbee · 28/05/2019 10:33

Difficult one. Does he love and adore his son now or is he quite a detached father?

Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2019 10:33

I know many people that come from immigrant families who have voted UKIP, I don’t think they fully understand what they are voting for.

The problem here is the fact he lied to you. He should have just told you to mind your own business instead of lying. Of course it’s up to him who he votes for but there’s no need to lie.

mindutopia · 28/05/2019 10:34

I would be upset with my dh if he voted for UKIP (I am an immigrant and not a UK citizen yet, so it would be a serious issue for both of us with obvious implications for me and our children). I suppose if he lied about it, then at least it would indicate he has enough self awareness to realise it's wrong. But in our house, we vote as a unit (as I am not allowed a vote), so my dh's vote is technically mine too, and we discuss it in advance and decide collectively who to vote for. So yes, I would be upset that he didn't vote for who we chose. I think lying about it is really neither here nor there though. I'd be more upset about the vote itself.

wigglybeezer · 28/05/2019 10:34

Cross posted there, he sounds rather nastier than I hoped he was. Don't blame yourself.

Roomba · 28/05/2019 10:35

If my partner had voted, say, Lib Dem instead of Green, I'd be concerned why they felt they had to lie to me and why they wouldn't discuss it with me. They can vote however they like, it's not up to me, is it. So I'd wonder if the fault lay with me somehow, that he was scared to tell me or something?

But if they'd told me they voted Green or Labour when actually they'd voted for UKIP/Tommy Robinson (who put the most repulsive flyer I've ever read through my door last week) or similar - well, I'd be absolutely certain that our political views were so far apart that we'd be very incompatible. I'd wonder who on earth they were, as they'd given me such a wrong impression of themselves. And if wonder what else they'd lie or would lie about.

Agree re voting for UKIP for non racist reasons to be like reading playboy for the articles too!

CaptSkippy · 28/05/2019 10:36

How can you not be a racist if you vote for racists, even as a protest vote? If you give racists any power you are supporting them. Seems like a pretty straightforward issue to me.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 28/05/2019 10:40

I couldn't live with a racist.

happyhillock · 28/05/2019 10:40

Would someone really leave there partner if they voted for a party they didn't like? My ex was a great SNP supporter i would never vote SNP i wouldn't leave him because his politics were different from mine, we live in an democracy people can vote for who they want to

ReanimatedSGB · 28/05/2019 10:42

I'm not surprised you are upset. He sounds horrible. To put it crudely, there is a type of racist white man who both despises BAME people and fetishizes BAME women, and he is probably one of them (this does not mean that it is your fault you dated him, any more than any other woman who had a relationship with a man who turned out abusive is to blame for what happened to her - abusers are good at starting out very charming and not showing who they really are for quite some time.)
It probably is worth keeping a note of any incidents of racist behaviour from this prick so that, if he tries to get court-ordered contact with DC you can argue that it's not at all in DC's interests...

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