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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider sex on first date

103 replies

MaryMary88 · 27/05/2019 18:41

A very good friend of mine has told me that he’d like to ‘get to know me better’. I feel the same way and can’t believe my luck because I have had feelings for him for a while now. We kissed for the first time on Friday night and are going out on our first date on Thursday evening.

I really really like him. I want this one to work out. I know you should wait for at least 3 dates before having sex but does that rule still apply if he’s your best friend? I’m desperate to get my hands on him if I’m honest.

AIBU? WWYD? How can I make this last? I’m happy to wait for sex if it increases the odds of the relationship working.

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 27/05/2019 20:31

I personally wouldn’t OP, but maybe it’s all changed in the 20 years I’ve been married Grin. It was always ingrained in me that they wouldn’t respect you. Probably old-fashioned now, but I would say, I was never left feeling vulnerable.

returnofthecat · 27/05/2019 20:44

For me, the no sex on a first date rule is somewhat more practical - if you sleep with a stranger and wind up accidentally pregnant, how do you track them down to have that conversation? They could disappear entirely from your life - for all you know, half the details they've given are made up and they're using a burner phone.

If you're dating someone you actually know from real life, then you'll know them well enough to be able to get hold of them in that kind of emergency scenario.

So then it becomes more emotional than practical - if this is someone you know and truly consider a friend, you should trust them to not be a jerk and have double standards. You just need to then ask yourself whether it feels right and whether you feel you're being pressured into it (whether deliberately or inadvertently).

Forget the rules in your scenario - do whatever makes you happy. This person has already been through the friend filter so must be a vaguely decent human being.

NorthernRunner · 27/05/2019 20:45

I don’t know, I met my husband at 17, we slept together after one day and have been together for 14yrs 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do why feels right. Don’t try plan or force anything.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 27/05/2019 20:51

I think “the rules” are there for a reason. And it’s not to stop women having a good time.
You are keen on this bloke. You can’t be sure if he feels the same. Shag on the first date and he’s a knob - you lose out, not him.

If you don’t actually mind about a potential relationship and just fancy a bit, fill your boots.Theres nothing wrong with sex on the first date but it’s hurtful rather than disappointing if you like him and he isn’t interested after you have sex.

I’d wait. It might work out but you sound like you’d be gutted if it didn’t.

JonSnowsCloak · 27/05/2019 20:59

Forget about the rules! If you have enough chemistry that it happens on the first night then sod it...but my honest opinion wait for the 2nd ;) I've always had the 3rd date rule in my head and if you have a bit of a snog on the 1st one and you're not a teenager then 2nd date you might feel willing and able! At the end of the day if he disappears after he wasn't worth it anyway and it won't make a difference if you wait til the 2nd, 3rd or whatever anyway! Just do what feels right x

freshstartnewme · 27/05/2019 21:04

I suppose this ‘rule’ thing that I have heard about is so that the guy thinks he’s had to work for it and earn you in some way

Eugh. Disgusting. As if you are an item for him to win.

Sex is for both of you. If you want to have sex have sex, if you don't don't, but don't make it some sort of trophy for a man.

I didn't even date my DH, went to his after darts night in the local pub and stayed 25 years.

PlinkPlink · 27/05/2019 21:04

I find it a bit of an outdated concept, the idea of not having sex on the first date. It just seems to shame women for having a sex drive or having sexual desires. Men who judge woman negatively for having sex on the first date will always judge women negatively.

I think if you've had the conversation before your date of what you're looking for, then sex can happen at any time. OH and I had the conversation v early on whether we were looking for a relationship or not. We were both cautious but keen.

Be mindful of those people though who won't discuss what they're looking for, because the subtext behind that is "I'm looking for a fuck".

See how you feel. That's the ultimate advice. If it feels right, go for it.

lastqueenofscotland · 27/05/2019 21:16

Meh I’ve been with my “one night stand” for a year now

DroningOn · 27/05/2019 21:19

Regular first date = first time meeting seriously - no sex.

Your first date = not first time meeting - fill your fanny boots

TokyoSushi · 27/05/2019 21:19

We're first daters, it's our 10 years married/20 years together anniversary next year.

Do it if you want to!

drunkenflamingo2 · 27/05/2019 21:24

DP and I had (brilliant) sex on second date (first date was a quick lunchtime coffee in a gallery) and we're still doing it 5 years later. Do what you want to do xx

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2019 21:25

Op if it doesn't go anywhere after this and you have sex wth him will you be ok with it, or will you regret it?

This isn't about him. It's about you.

The waiting is not about making him earn it, it's about both of you adjusting to being in a romantic relationship without the head fuck that can be sex.

If you find he doesn't wish to be with you after the date, say the sex is a bit awkward or whatever, maybe he just wishes to scratch and itch, will you be ok with it?

If the answer is yes, go for it. If it's no, then don't.

kaytee87 · 27/05/2019 21:25

I'd let the sexual tension build a little bit first. Have a date then some flirty texts through the week then another date next weekend and dtd then.

Pinkvoid · 27/05/2019 21:27

I had sex with both of my long term partner’s on the first date. Was with exH for six years, been with DP for over four. Really don’t think it matters.

happymummy12345 · 27/05/2019 21:27

I've never worried about waiting. My dh and I were at it the first night we met, didn't take very long either. I say tang proudly

MerryDeath · 27/05/2019 21:27

in my experience if you want to be taken remotely seriously you must make them
wait for sex. sorry to generalise but the longer i spent out there the more i realised how depressingly basic (most, inc mine Hmm) are

managedmis · 27/05/2019 21:30

See the sensible me would advise you to wait a few weeks but in reality I'd probably shag him the first night.

managedmis · 27/05/2019 21:31

DP and I had (brilliant) sex on second date (first date was a quick lunchtime coffee in a gallery)

^^

I read this as sex in an art gallery Blush

floppityisbeingarightdick · 27/05/2019 21:31

Well DH and I were bumping uglies after about 3 hours. Grin

The 3 dates rule is bs.

shitpark · 27/05/2019 21:32

I would just go with my feelings. If you want to, then do so, if not then don't. I have had three serious long term relationships that started as ONSs, it makes no difference. As long as you are safe, I don't see the problem. I don't agree with all this 'making them wait' business, as a woman you are just as likely to want sex as the man, you're both human with the same desires. And if those desires match up, then go for it, just enjoy it for what it is

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/05/2019 21:34

You'll hear a million anecdotes both ways. It depends on what kind of guy he is and how he feels about you.

So you should do what you want, essentially. If you want to shag him, do it. If you want to wait and see if you feel it's going to be a longer term thing, then do that. Work out how you'd feel if you shagged him and it came to nothing, how you'd feel if you didn't shag him and the opportunity never arose again, and pick the best option for you.

IAmNotPatientOrPregnant · 27/05/2019 21:34

I waited 4 months to have sex with DP.

But that was because I was 17 and he was 26, we was interested in each other and I made it clear I didnt want to have sex with him until I was 18 because it seems after 18 nobody cares about age gaps, thus reducing chances of 'name calling'.

So we just kept it simple until my 18th, and it was great, really worth the wait and all the waiting made it a bit exciting too!
Been together 5 years now and expecting our first little one. :)

Not going to lie, 4 months without sex was a bit of a killer.

mogloveseggs · 27/05/2019 21:34

Ah why not if you want to! Shagged DH on first date, been inseparable since and we're now 9 years on.

DesperadoDan · 27/05/2019 21:38

I’ve had 2 dates over the last 2 weeks with a really lovely man, first date ended with a kiss on the lips, second date ended with a full on snog.
I’ve always rushed into sleeping with men early but I don’t want to this time (I would very much like to have sex with him, I’m very attracted to him) I’m really enjoying the anticipation and sexual tension.
Personally I would wait.
Good luck on your date.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2019 21:40

Can’t be bothered with these arbitrary rules,if you want to have sex,just do it