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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry about what family are suggesting

70 replies

MumNeMum · 27/05/2019 18:18

We live far away from my family and on and only visit every four months or so for day. During these times my DH tends to take the lead on childcare, so I can chat with them, and he also does this slightly more at weekends anyway.

This seems to really annoy my Dad and Nan, who make comments along the lines of 'poor DH'.

This time my DH cut up our two children's food at dinner and then took them for a walk. I feel like my family then all ganged up on me. My Dad said "So when does he take a break after his working week?" and my Nan followed up with "You need to look after him, he's the Breadwinner". When I told them I'm at home all day with the kids in the week, and then go to work for 16 hours a week (every weekday evening, one full day and Sat morning), they scoffed and said "So?"

I reminded them that I have no relatives nearby, so we don't have any childcare help (other than my DS's 15 hours childcare, during which time I work or do catch up with housework).

I also have an illness which means I am in pain 24/7 and very tired a lot (although I did not remind them of this).

My Dad's girlfriend then said she worked full time, kept the house lovely and had no relatives nearby and (she said rather forcefully and spitefully) - "It was easy, it was easy!" My Nan added - "and we had no washing machines!"

My DH actually enjoys spending time with the children and is very hands-on. He does very little housework or DIY - I do 90%. However, he is very good with the children and wants to be involved. When I tell them this they don't believe me and act like he's obviously too frightened to tell the truth. My DH is upset that this happened when he wasn't there as he is happy with the way we work things.

I feel like they are trying to say I am lazy, and controlling of my husband, and that he is unhappy, which is all rubbish. I can't get over how old fashioned and sexist they are. Fuming!

OP posts:

CannyLad · 27/05/2019 18:22

Sounds like you should just start the Four Yorkshiremen Monty Python sketch and let the get in with their 'well we had it tough in my day' routine!

Original poster

MumNeMum · 27/05/2019 18:22

I'm just going to add - relating to Nan's comment about looking after him - my DH gets home from work to a cooked meal on the table every day (I do all the cooking). I'm not sure why they feel so strongly that he is suffering.

OP posts:

MaximusHeadroom · 27/05/2019 18:25

OP, unless your DH is unhappy, you don't need to justify your arrangements to anyone.

Try and stop worrying about what they think. It works for you and him.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 27/05/2019 18:26

Tell them to bugger off. If you are happy with the way things are then they should mind their own business!

7yo7yo · 27/05/2019 18:26

I think I’d tell them to keep their comments to themselves or you’d have to stop going to visit.

Original poster

MumNeMum · 27/05/2019 18:28

The ironic thing is that my Dad was horrible to my Mum when we were growing up and they divorced. He had no relationship with my sister and I when we were young as he was so moody and emotionally absent. And now he's having trouble with his girlfriend, who keeps threatening to leave. Yet it's my marriage that is under the spotlight.

OP posts:

TinselTimes · 27/05/2019 18:28

They sound rude and sexist. Rather than rising to it though, I’d probably stay calm and just keep replying “we’re happy with how we divide things”, “we’ve discussed this and we are happy”, “this is what works for us” and just don’t engage.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 27/05/2019 18:32

My family is just like this, drives me mad! 'Poor dh, have you asked him if you can come to the cinema, he's looking after the kids himself' they're his bloody kids, he likes being with them and in fact he finds it quite insulting that they seem to think he isn't capable!

ltk · 27/05/2019 18:32

So your dh very kindly looks after the dc so you can visit with family, and they complain about it? Stop visiting.

fedup21 · 27/05/2019 18:34

They sounds extremely rude. I would see them less.

MitziK · 27/05/2019 18:35

With your comments about your father's marriage, it's pretty clear this is deflection. Picking on you distracts away from their fucked up relationship (and your Nan either wants to do the same or just doesn't know about/accept it, as her son is so fucking perfect).

No wonder your Mum didn't stay married to him.

Do you actually need to see them? They don't sound as though they'd me much of a loss from your life.

BlueJava · 27/05/2019 18:35

I don't think they appreciate you enough - start spacing the visits out a bit more and do something lovely as a family instead! My parents became critical of me a while back and I had to do the same. Why sit there taking criticism when actually the people that really matter (you, DH and DCs) are happy!

picklemepopcorn · 27/05/2019 18:35

"He looks after them so I can spend time with you. He's so thoughtful and considerate."

Just take it on the chin and agree you are very lucky. They'll run out of things to say.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 27/05/2019 18:35

You don't have to justify your home life to anyone! I get passive aggressive criticism from my family all the time too - I'm the breadwinner and I also like doing the DIY and gardening but to my family that makes DH lazy - you can't win with some people x

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/05/2019 18:36

It's rude of them and if you're happy to call them out on it (which might mean fewer visits for a while) do it. Say "you're being rude and ignorant" every single time. People only call stuff like that out because of their own hangups; if your Dad's girlfriend had 47 children, kept a lovely home and only slept 40 minutes a night, good for her. It's not the Victorian age now, Dads need to spend time bonding with their children and Mums aren't shackled to the sink. Tell them to bore off with their prehistoric bullshit.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:36

Oh yes as pp said.

'Really? If our family arrangements bother you, perhaps we shouldn't visit?'

Purpleartichoke · 27/05/2019 18:37

I would visit much less frequently. Also start making sure you talk to the kids about sexism. You are already doing a great job by modeling an egalitarian relationship. When they do hear discussion to the contrary, make sure you talk about how ridiculous those sexist ideas are once you have the kids alone.

Lemoneeza · 27/05/2019 18:39

Just laugh and tell them thankfully things have changed for the better since ye olden days.
Or stop visiting so often.

MissClareRemembers · 27/05/2019 18:39

Point out that your ‘poor’ DH can only work full time because you have sacrificed ft work to care for your JOINT children. You could say that you are more than willing to reverse roles with DH and all he has to do is approach his manager to discuss reducing his hours. If they retaliate with “you wouldn’t earn as much” you could say that, again, you are perfectly willing to retrain as soon as DH has rearranged his hours to cover all the childcare whilst you study.

You could also perhaps suggest that DH’s parents believe that a man is perfectly capable of parenting his own children and brought him up accordingly.

Also, inform them that your DC weren’t the result of a vanity project for you alone but are actually the result of TWO people who decided together to nurture and raise a family. Together.

OP - can you tell I’ve had this exact scenario before! 😂

Youngandfree · 27/05/2019 18:39

I hear you!! And I definitely understand!!I get “poor dh he does all the cooking” yeah well for 3 weeks at a time I do EVERYTHING and work with no break whatsoever, so yes when he is home he does most of the cooking. Dmil only every visits when he is home obviously so never sees the other side of it!! It really irks me!!

FadedRed · 27/05/2019 18:40

As pp’s say, why spend your time with people who make you feel bad about yourself?

Anniegetyourgun · 27/05/2019 18:43

Poor man works full time, then when he's finally able to spend some quality time with his DC your family don't think he should? When does he get a chance to be a parent otherwise? What, pray, is he working for - and what are you SAHP for - if not for those kids; and then he should just watch you minding them? What a very weird view. But then, it sounds as though your dad didn't really like being a father, so it's perhaps not so surprising he can't imagine another man enjoying it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/05/2019 18:43

Oh god I wouldn’t visit, sounds a chore tbh.

Anyway, shouldn’t you be scrubbing the house while doing all childcare right now instead of being on mn?

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 27/05/2019 18:43

It's not you with the problem it's them. Be it jealousy or spite. Stop rising to the comments just shrug it off with a quick 'dh loves spending time with the kid's and change the subject. If they keep banging on just stop visiting so often.

Jaxhog · 27/05/2019 18:44

Tell them to bugger off. If you are happy with the way things are then they should mind their own business!

It's none of their business!!! What horrible people.

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