Angry about what family are suggesting

[MumNeMum]

We live far away from my family and on and only visit every four months or so for day. During these times my DH tends to take the lead on childcare, so I can chat with them, and he also does this slightly more at weekends anyway.

This seems to really annoy my Dad and Nan, who make comments along the lines of 'poor DH'.

This time my DH cut up our two children's food at dinner and then took them for a walk. I feel like my family then all ganged up on me. My Dad said "So when does he take a break after his working week?" and my Nan followed up with "You need to look after him, he's the Breadwinner". When I told them I'm at home all day with the kids in the week, and then go to work for 16 hours a week (every weekday evening, one full day and Sat morning), they scoffed and said "So?"

I reminded them that I have no relatives nearby, so we don't have any childcare help (other than my DS's 15 hours childcare, during which time I work or do catch up with housework).

I also have an illness which means I am in pain 24/7 and very tired a lot (although I did not remind them of this).

My Dad's girlfriend then said she worked full time, kept the house lovely and had no relatives nearby and (she said rather forcefully and spitefully) - "It was easy, it was easy!" My Nan added - "and we had no washing machines!"

My DH actually enjoys spending time with the children and is very hands-on. He does very little housework or DIY - I do 90%. However, he is very good with the children and wants to be involved. When I tell them this they don't believe me and act like he's obviously too frightened to tell the truth. My DH is upset that this happened when he wasn't there as he is happy with the way we work things.

I feel like they are trying to say I am lazy, and controlling of my husband, and that he is unhappy, which is all rubbish. I can't get over how old fashioned and sexist they are. Fuming!

I would go for the “Yes, I’m so lucky to have the perfect husband route”. “He’s such a good dad, so hands on”. “The kids have a fantastic relationship with him”. “He’s so attentive, always thinking of is.”

Your father and his gf are nasty and goading to deflect from their relationship problems. Your nan is a completely different generation again. She’s the one, who brought him up to believe men are superior to women. You and your dh are breaking that cycle and they don’t like it.

Don’t get involved in answering questions or discussing the way your relationship works. It is really none of their business. Go for platitudes. If they try to goad you by ridiculing the comments above or hook you in, just say “Dh thinks he’s very lucky to have me. We really are such a great team.” Each time they goad, “well dh thinks he’s very lucky”.

I wouldn’t even talk about your dhs childhood and his father. That could open a can of worms with your family and may sound like a criticism of your father.

I honestly wouldn't waste my time visiting if you just spend the whole tme justifying stuff that has fuck all to do with them. ell them if they feel so sorry for DH then maybe they should visit you instead, so he has less to do, no travel and can do what he likes in his own home. Or something.

they scoffed and said "So?"
My response would have been "so mind your own damn business!"

I think the women are jealous that your dh does what they wish their partners would have done.
Your dad is furious because his ego is taking a bashing and his sexism and misogyny is being shown up.
All these years of him playing the big I AM and his son-in-law comes along and 'ruins' his self image

Next visit get dh to do nothing. Fuss around the kids all day and hardly speak to them. "Sorry, I haven't spoken to you all day, the kids are taking up all my time - chat to dh for a while"

They won't moan next time. Although tbh it sounds as if it would be another issue if it wasn't this. They don't sound particularly nice.

Why are you wasting your time visiting such vile people?

You know you don't have to make space in your life for people to deliberately and repeatedly hurt you and drag you down just because you have the misfortune to share some genes with them?

They know they're upsetting you, but they keep doing it. Hurting and upsetting you is the point.

I dont think I would make space to visit them anymore

@MissClareRemembers totally this! To me it sounds lovely and thoughtful your OH being so thoughtful. It's interesting how people forget certain phases of their life. I'm sure it was "easy" for your Dad's partner 🙄. Personally l think you shouldn't make so much effort with your family, when they are being so critical and thoughtless

I feel your pain OP.

My own mother does this..... isn’t xxx wonderful he washes his own shorts, cooks a meal etc etc..... I’m surprised he puts up with you.

Which is hilarious as when married to my dad, my mum did everything (more so as she’s a complete control freak) and did nothing but complain.

I’ve pretty much gone NC with her as I can’t stand her negative sexist criticism towards me. Surprise surprise.... the 1950’s are over and the little women slave days are over.

Ask yourself why you would make the effort to spend time with these wankers? If they willingly make you feel ganged up on, ditch them for others who love and support you.

Because they're family, Pensy?

How are you going to be when your children dump you because they don't like some of your opinions?

Op I remember my mum was horrified I'd gone to a ball with some friends, leaving my husband at home. She was genuinely shaken. But she's a lovely woman with some very funny ideas sometimes. She hasn't been a piece of cake by any stretch but she's my mum and I love her.

don't take seriously what they're saying. No amount of explaining will break through their prejudice on this. They're full of shit on this - but they may be very decent in other ways?

I would wear a very 50s style dress and make up, then take the piss out of them the entire day. Make sure your husband doesn't do anything but relax. Be very sarcastic and over the top.

Your dad is a bully and so is your nan (I presume his mother and enabler?)

Your dad is furious because his ego is taking a bashing and his sexism and misogyny is being shown up
THIS ^^

Visit far less often. Once a year should do it.

Invite your sister over to yours instead.

Why do you visit them again?
It seems pointless, if all they do is criticise you.
They are not good adult role models for your children.
Your children do not need toxic people in their lives.
Stop visiting them!

I bet your mother is glad to be shot of this fine specimen of a man.
He is a hateful misogynist who thinks your needs are less important than your DH’s because you are a woman. He also clearly does not value caring for or bonding with young children which is sad.
Do you want to do anything about this?

Yes, it's nice to maintain relationships with family, when possible, but I'd consider seeing them less often. I probably would "threaten" them that if they can't accept that what you and your husband do works for you (and they should butt out), then you'll have to visit less often, because their pestering is making you miserable.

I assume you've already explained to them that your husband takes a more active role when you're visiting specifically because you are visiting your family. (None of their business, either way, but still... No offense, but they don't sound very bright, tbh.)

My inlaws hold similar views, my MIL worked from the time the kids were in primary school and also did ALL of the household chores. FIL worked his usual working week and did the house repairs/maintenance with MIL to help.

40 odd years later their house still runs the same, FIL is a lazy sod and they expected the same for their son...... I just ignore it. They are wrong, DH and I both know that, I don't need his parents approval.

The ironic thing is that my Dad was horrible to my Mum when we were growing up and they divorced. He had no relationship with my sister and I when we were young as he was so moody and emotionally absent.

Why are you even visiting this twat?

I think they are jealous of your healthy relationship.

I remember many years ago in Dublin talking to this old woman complaining about people who wanted to bring in divorce, then when we say goodbye she says she has to run because her husband is a tyrant.

I wouldn't even engage. Just say 'oh, ok' and change the subject. Google 'grey rock'. Just ignore everything they say.

My MIL is great but there are certain subjects she won't stop talking about even though they're not her business so I just go 'oh, right' and 'mmm' until she stops or I change the subject to something else.

They're looking for drama. Don't give it to them.

My DM has a wonderful expression that she uses when she isn't listening or disagrees, that would work very well in this situation 'yes, dear'.