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AIBU?

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Original poster

Angry about what family are suggesting

70 replies

MumNeMum · 27/05/2019 18:18

We live far away from my family and on and only visit every four months or so for day. During these times my DH tends to take the lead on childcare, so I can chat with them, and he also does this slightly more at weekends anyway.

This seems to really annoy my Dad and Nan, who make comments along the lines of 'poor DH'.

This time my DH cut up our two children's food at dinner and then took them for a walk. I feel like my family then all ganged up on me. My Dad said "So when does he take a break after his working week?" and my Nan followed up with "You need to look after him, he's the Breadwinner". When I told them I'm at home all day with the kids in the week, and then go to work for 16 hours a week (every weekday evening, one full day and Sat morning), they scoffed and said "So?"

I reminded them that I have no relatives nearby, so we don't have any childcare help (other than my DS's 15 hours childcare, during which time I work or do catch up with housework).

I also have an illness which means I am in pain 24/7 and very tired a lot (although I did not remind them of this).

My Dad's girlfriend then said she worked full time, kept the house lovely and had no relatives nearby and (she said rather forcefully and spitefully) - "It was easy, it was easy!" My Nan added - "and we had no washing machines!"

My DH actually enjoys spending time with the children and is very hands-on. He does very little housework or DIY - I do 90%. However, he is very good with the children and wants to be involved. When I tell them this they don't believe me and act like he's obviously too frightened to tell the truth. My DH is upset that this happened when he wasn't there as he is happy with the way we work things.

I feel like they are trying to say I am lazy, and controlling of my husband, and that he is unhappy, which is all rubbish. I can't get over how old fashioned and sexist they are. Fuming!

OP posts:
CitadelsofScience · 27/05/2019 18:46

Can I give you a tiny gem that I recently discovered, ignore if you want.

I've recently discovered that instead of enduring this kind of language and behaviour from parents/relatives, it's actually very freeing to just cut contact, whether it's for good or not time will tell. But honestly, I have no idea why I put up with the shit for so long. But I'd definitely consider whether some time out could benefit you.

Coronapop · 27/05/2019 18:48

I suggest reducing your visits to one a year.

SchoolPanicTime · 27/05/2019 18:48

Oh god they sound annoying. YADNBU. My DH and I do things just like you if my family are visiting DH will take the lead in childcare and vise versa.

I'd probably come up with some dismissive, patronising reply to shut them down every time they start this rubbish.

timeisnotaline · 27/05/2019 18:48

If you want to keep up visits you need to be more direct. How about ‘he (dh) likes his children, I’m not sure you/dad (your dad) would understand that feeling’.
‘Tell me more about keeping your life partner happy, or is x stillthreatening to leave?’
One of those should sort it either way- they pull their head in or stop visiting.

Cryalot2 · 27/05/2019 18:51

Tell them to mind both their manners and their own business or you won't visit.
If you do go back again ( and no one could blame you otherwise) tell your dh to brag about you and say what a wonderful wife and mother you are. And how he enjoys spending time and doing what he does.
Don't let them upset you, they are not worth it.

mcmooberry · 27/05/2019 18:52

Try and ignore them, you do at least your fair share here.

PickAChew · 27/05/2019 18:53

Your dad being horrible to your mum isn't ironic at all. It tells you all about his attitude to women who aren't willing to be stepford wives.

Spanglyprincess1 · 27/05/2019 18:56

I learned after lots of your doing it wro g and your baby is spoiled from my childless siblings - he was 5mths old. That I just say okay. And ignore. My mom. Actually snapped before I did, was amusing.
No enggaemnt just okay.
It stopped it and I relaxed a lot.
So next time just say okay and carry on doing what you want.

PinkCrayon · 27/05/2019 18:56

I wouldnt visit.

BendingSpoons · 27/05/2019 18:56

DH's uncle was really surprised to see him change DS's nappy. I don't think he ever changed one and he has 4 children, youngest is still a teenager! YANBU to be annoyed at being criticised. You and DH are happy with the set up and it sounds like a fair split. My DH would rather take the children out than stay in with my relatives anyway.

AhhhHereItGoes · 27/05/2019 18:58

I'd be tempted to say he looks after the kids so he doesn't have to talk to them!

But seriously I'd tell him that you agree you get on with things without interfering people getting involved.

BollocksToBrexit · 27/05/2019 19:00

The fact that your DH is involved with his kids probably makes them feel really uncomfortable about how they did things. So they try to tear you down so they feel less shit about their shitty parenting.

Widowodiw · 27/05/2019 19:00

I wouldn’t get wound up it’s just the difference in generations.

Theclearing · 27/05/2019 19:01

‘But like you say, it’s so EASY, right? Like a nice rest for him’

‘Wow, and so remind me how did that relationship work out for you?’

I have similar. They are dicks. Ignore.

Jeffwingerisagod · 27/05/2019 19:02

If they think it is not normal for a man to look after his kids, why is their reaction not along the lines of "how nice he is doing it for once so we can spend a bit more time chatting to you"???

Cornishclio · 27/05/2019 19:05

They are being rude and are of a different generation. I would not put up with it. I tell my mum and stepdad when they are being racist or sexist and you should call out your Dad and Nan even if it makes for an uncomfortable visit. Point out that you make an effort to travel a long way to visit so the least they could do is be civil to you. Your DH is fine with looking after his children as are most dads nowadays and point out things are done differently to in their day and I also find some people tend to remember things with rose tinted glasses when remembering from some years back.

Failing that stop visiting or cut the visits down or ask your DH not to disappear as hopefully they won't do it when he is there. Life is too short to visit people who make you feel bad about yourself.

EggAndButter · 27/05/2019 19:05

I suspect my answer would be something along the lines of ‘Yes it’s amazing how much things have changed since I was a child and you were parents. It’s so much better now that fathers are fully involved with their own children and we have stopped this rubbish about being the ‘breadwinner’. DH and I are really happy wth thé the way things have evolved.’

But then I think everyone knows there is no point to even try on that sort if ideas..... I might have Ben going in about that for many many years.

Biancadelrioisback · 27/05/2019 19:05

My family kept pointing out how great DH was and how hard it must be for him....because he changed a few nappies at the weekends (when they were around).
DH is hands on but no one told me I was a good mum for changing nappies, yet he was seen as a hero!

Rtmhwales · 27/05/2019 19:08

I'd just say something obnoxious like "I take care of him every night.. in the bedroom" until they got the hint that what they're saying is ridiculous and inappropriate.

Grumblepants · 27/05/2019 19:11

I get this a lot from my mum. She forgets I do all the shopping, meal planning and cooking, but because DH does the washing up she will always comment "oh poor DH, doesn't he get a break". It gives me the rage and I usually bite back which causes me and DH to then bicker.
I need to learn to rise above it and just smile.

Original poster
MumNeMum · 27/05/2019 19:13

Wow, just great comments on this post. Thanks for the ideas x

BollocksToBrexit - I suspect that is the case.

What was really embarrassing was that this happened in front of some other family members - my uncle, my Dad's cousin (who'd travelled a long way to see us) and my sister's new boyfriend.

My Dad had been speaking to me like shite on a few occasions already that day and I'd pulled him up on it. Then after this conversation, he did it again about something else, and I lost it. We were not near the table but apparently my sister said they heard me shout "You are really getting on my TITS!" and "Why is x [your GF] making this into some kind of competition about who is the best mother?!".

Ooops.

My sister said she thought I'd made my point.

I agree, in future I will just make a remark about how much my DH loves the close relationship he has with his children, just like his Dad did with him.

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 27/05/2019 19:16

I met my mum and grandad at the pub for lunch once on a Sunday, my grandad asked if I’d left the kids with my sister. I said no Hmm they’re with their dad, he went mad! How dare I leave the kids with him when he’s been at work all week, they’re my children! I was gobsmacked. I was on maternity leave at the time, with 3 children under 6 - he was told in no uncertain terms that my kids have 2 parents and my need for a break is just as great as his, we both go out and get time for ourselves.

He also commented when he came to meet my 3rd baby that it wasn’t fair that my husband was expected the change the 2 year old’s nappy... 2 days after I’d given birth 🤦‍♀️

Lemonsquinky · 27/05/2019 19:19

Why are you wasting your time visiting such vile people?

Oldraver · 27/05/2019 19:33

I would stop visiting and tell them their old fashioned ideas and rudeness are the reason why

diddl · 27/05/2019 19:38

So your dad was speaking to you like shit such that you said/shouted that he was getting on your tits?

Really-what's the point?

I'd never speak to my dad in such a disrespectful way, but he'd never speak to me in such a way.