To postpone holiday so 12yo doesn't come

[witsendhotel]

NC for this.

I'm a single mum of a 12, 10 and 4 yo. 12 and 10 yo have an abusive dad that they see EOW and half the holidays. It's court ordered and numerous attempts to change contact have not been listened to. He's abusive towards me and emotionally abusive towards her.

We are booked to go away tomorrow, just an overnight seaside break.

12yo is challenging normally but has upped the ante lately. She constantly disobeys, argues, answers back, is rude, hits and kicks her 4 yo sibling (and has just hit the 10yo too). She is not allowed to watch youtube as a punishment for earlier issues but was watching it this morning. She tells bare faced lies several times a day. Really stupid lies where it's obvious it's her as it can't be anyone else. She's deliberately disgusting at the table so no one wants to eat with her, she is always in my room taking my things when she's been told no and to respect my space and belongings, used my bathroom, uses all the hot water purposely, helps herself to snacks when she's been told no, doesn't go to her music lessons but admits she'd not miss them if it was her dad paying and many more things.

I've had it with her. Nothing works regards consequences and I don't know how to handle her anymore. She's on the list for counselling at school but just blames everything on "things at daddy's"which she knows is no excuse to behave so badly.

I don't want to take her tomorrow. She usually spoils any trip out with her behaviour. My mum has refused to go anywhere with her now too. I could rebook it for later in the week when she's at her dad's but then her sister would miss out and ds would miss both of them.

I hate that I feel so negative towards her. I give her lots of positive attention when she's not acting up. She's a different child if she's one on one with me but due to circumstances that's very rare.

She's apparently NT but I suspect asd/add. She was referred but the gate keeper said she was fine and recommended the counselling.

I love her but I really don't like her and I hate feeling like that.

What can I do?!

My mum had little ones and childcare issues. There are ways for one on one time especially with an eldest.
When your at the shops with everyone get her to pick her favourite snacks (get your own as well) and a movie. Then once everyone's in bed, sit on the couch and watch and watch it together.
Have a weekly evening in.
If your middle one is old enough, then do a different evening for them.
As hard as it is, you need to find a regular time to be with just her in a positive frame of mind, giving her positive attention. At the moment your 12 year old needs this, as much as a baby needs food or your four year old needs supervision.

I'm not sure why people are talking about OP's DD being Gillick Competent. Gillick Competency (or rather Fraser competency as it's now called) refers to a child's capacity to consent to or refuse medical treatment. Besides we don't actually know that she is Fraser competent, none of us have done a capacity assessment on her. OP's DD is obviously very confused by the situation as she is clearly distressed by what goes on at her Dad's but part of her wants a relationship with him (hence her telling SS she wants to see him) which is extremely common.

OP, the behaviours you describe (lying, stealing, overeating, aggression towards siblings and yourself) are very common in young people who have witnessed domestic abuse or who have experienced abuse themselves. From what you say and what the gatekeeper who assessed her has told you, it sounds likely that your DD's difficulties stem from Trauma. I would chase up school regarding the counselling and once she has met with the School counsellor, see if they will support a referral to CAMHS as she may well need ongoing psychotherapy and this is beyond what most schools can offer.

In the meantime, ask School to open an Early Help (formerly known as CAF) as this can help you to access other services who can support you, your DD and her siblings.

She is very angry with you op and you need to find out why without being defensive.
You went away deliberately on a day that she couldn't go with you, that would be one reason. I'm sure she knows that you don't like her. You need to hear her feelings.

@Catinthetwat what are you talking about? I didn't go away on a day that she couldn't come with us. She DID come with us and we had a lovely time.

As for individual time, I do what I can as far as this goes. If I can nip to the shop with her for ten minutes whilst the others are playing with the neighbours then I do. But this is very rare that it's possible. She also comes to me once a week for a chat if the others are asleep and tells me what's on her mind. The issues are her father and this is what she talks about. Unfortunately I have no influence there so as I previously posted, I try to help her deal with it and ways to address the issues she has with him. He refuses to listen to me and she has to start voicing what she wants from him.

I'm not sure what point of I've got no one to have the other children that people aren't understanding. I am a single parent with no one to help out. No grandparents that are able to look after them. No one. Her father chooses work over spending his court ordered time with her and his gf is often a bitch to dd but then overly generous and buys them loads of stuff from Claire's.

Dd is usually the first asleep most nights unless something is bothering her so time alone at night is not an option. However if she is troubled she comes to find me and chats about things. I frequently remind her to talk to me instead of taking her feelings out on us all.

We have family film nights a couple of times a month.

I praise everything positive that she does. I tell her and show her I love her and make sure she knows her behaviour is unacceptable, not her.

Yes she struggles with where she fits in at her dad's. She gets overwhelmed there as it's so busy and noisy and she has no privacy. It's taken 6 years for him to get her her own bed ffs. She was having to share with the other kids. The bed she has got now is slept in by one of the gf's kids when she's here. He leaves it a mess and she hates it. And no, the sheets aren't changed.

I have now asked the GP to refer her so I hope it's not too long a wait.

Ss have been contacted after every incident that concerns me. They aren't interested. They see it as an issue between me and her dad. I don't know what else I can do there.

Sorry, I got that bit wrong. That was your plan at some point, but you didn't do it, is that right?

Why does she think you're a bitch? She must be angry with you op?

We have been through a couple of hard years with our 12 (shortly 13) year old ... anger, violence, name calling, destructive behaviour .. all sorts. Being rude to me, and relatives ... some days refusing to go to school, all sorts.

After discussion with school, and accessing some online help, it looked as if the problem was anxiety related, and the anger was a visible display of that ... driven by fear. So, we started to take her to hypnotherapy, which we did for about 6 months, which made a huge difference - she is like a different child. There have been lots of benefits, one of the main ones is that we now talk about things, instead of being in conflict all the time. Now, if she’s struggling, she tells me, rather than being unable to express it, and ending up angry & violent. The hypnotherapist also talked to her about how the brain works, and how we repeat patterns of behaviour (even negative ones), which means we sometimes need to retrain the brain,

I wonder if your daughter has anxiety, about the whole situation with her dad, about things that have happened in the past ... and maybe she struggles to express herself, which leads to her behaviour.

I should have mentioned that consequences didn’t work for us ... often these children aren’t thinking, they are just reacting to the anxiety.

Might be worth thinking about.

How did you access hypnotherapy?

She is anxious there's no doubt. She's confused about what happened when we split up as exH has told so many lies and she says she doesn't know who to believe. She knows her dad lies though as he's told her countless ones that she's called out. She's conflicted because she loves him but hates him and wants to see him but doesn't want to. She wants time alone with him like she used to have. Professionals told him she needed this. He's not done it as he has other kids to consider other kids he sees every day and lives with that aren't even his. She's really angry about that and I don't blame her. He makes her feel bad for asking as he says the others won't like it and it's not fair to leave them out. His gf certainly wouldn't allow it. He's on s very short leash there from what dd says.

I accessed it privately.. we did try a CAMHS referral, but that got nowhere.

I just researched hypnotherapist locally, and got a recommendations from a friend.

My daughter also got / and still gets, overwhelmed quite easily .. if somewhere is too busy, or she gets too hot, things I can now spot and deal with.

We found school to be really good, they have a school counsellor that we accessed, maybe have a chat with student support at school

Hi op
I wasn't attacking you, my post was meant to be positive towards you. We are human we can only do the best we can

I just thought maybe pre arrange a movie night just you and her when the others are in bed.
I do believe she lashes out at you because she knows you won't abandon her. The old saying of we always hurt the ones we love.

Good luck