To postpone holiday so 12yo doesn't come

[witsendhotel]

NC for this.

I'm a single mum of a 12, 10 and 4 yo. 12 and 10 yo have an abusive dad that they see EOW and half the holidays. It's court ordered and numerous attempts to change contact have not been listened to. He's abusive towards me and emotionally abusive towards her.

We are booked to go away tomorrow, just an overnight seaside break.

12yo is challenging normally but has upped the ante lately. She constantly disobeys, argues, answers back, is rude, hits and kicks her 4 yo sibling (and has just hit the 10yo too). She is not allowed to watch youtube as a punishment for earlier issues but was watching it this morning. She tells bare faced lies several times a day. Really stupid lies where it's obvious it's her as it can't be anyone else. She's deliberately disgusting at the table so no one wants to eat with her, she is always in my room taking my things when she's been told no and to respect my space and belongings, used my bathroom, uses all the hot water purposely, helps herself to snacks when she's been told no, doesn't go to her music lessons but admits she'd not miss them if it was her dad paying and many more things.

I've had it with her. Nothing works regards consequences and I don't know how to handle her anymore. She's on the list for counselling at school but just blames everything on "things at daddy's"which she knows is no excuse to behave so badly.

I don't want to take her tomorrow. She usually spoils any trip out with her behaviour. My mum has refused to go anywhere with her now too. I could rebook it for later in the week when she's at her dad's but then her sister would miss out and ds would miss both of them.

I hate that I feel so negative towards her. I give her lots of positive attention when she's not acting up. She's a different child if she's one on one with me but due to circumstances that's very rare.

She's apparently NT but I suspect asd/add. She was referred but the gate keeper said she was fine and recommended the counselling.

I love her but I really don't like her and I hate feeling like that.

What can I do?!

Are there any local organisations that support survivors of domestic abuse? If you haven't been given any support to date, it might be worth investigating, as they often have support available for the children, and the waiting lists are sometimes shorter than schools.

It is unfortunate if your daughter has repeatedly told SS that she DOES want contact. However, if she continues to disclose concerns at school, there will be a picture built which could support her when she decides she does not want contact.

I hope you find some source of support for you all.

When you say her df is emotionally abusive are you referring to his laissez faire style of parenting or is there more to it?

I've just come up to my room to find "bitc*" written on it. I'm really upset. She's destroyed her sister's art work and is being utterly vile.

I did have some help but nothing for the children. It was all emotional and sexual and they didn't see anything when he was still here. I've reported him throwing things at his new gf but again SS weren't interested. I'm going to chase therapy for her ASAP.

Why don't you try your MP?

Go to them, explain how abusive your ex is and point out how Social Services are failing your child.

You'd be surprised at how effective the intervention of an MP can be.

I got my son play therapy . although she is old for that through Women's aid.. They really may be able to help you....

I do think based on puberty... I have a DS (12) who does have ADHD but talking to friends with children year 7 there is a lot of some of the behaviours you describe.. That doesn't make it acceptable but i hear from lots of friends having to step up the boundaries.

I think though you do need to challenge it..
I would simply buy treats daily if they need them for lunch, but is she hungry.. I say this as my son's appetite has really stepped up from high school

if she eats badly at the table she is asked to leave and eats after everyone else.

Is she interested in cooking? maybe she can help you with meals..Make her feel like the grown up one out of the children even though she isn't acting that way.

She plays you tube when told no. Phone removed.

I did a parenting course.. We did special time this might really work for you. You give the child 10 minutes a day.. In that time they have your attention. if they want to play a game, cook, whatever then you do that with them . You don't answer calls , just nip to wash the dishes whilst she is occupied. You make time available even if she doesn't want to. say I am here if you change your mind. It did work really well.

She needs therapy and she also needs to stop contact with her Dad... That’s truly all that will help her behaviour. She is acting out because she is being abused and you are allowing it to happen by sending her. Understand he court order but go back to court if needs be, explain that he is abusing your DD and how it is affecting her.

She needs you to protect her, sending her there is failure to do so.

The trouble is she's said she does want to see him so any attempt to say otherwise could be seen to be coming from you pressurising her.

She needs to write to SS herself and say why she said yes in the first place and ask herself for another meeting. Don't have any impact in what she says or how she words it in the letter. This has to be obviously her wants. Failing that she needs to ask for the same through the person at school. She needs to address why she said yes and why she's changed her mind.

You can't do anything yourself.

@Pinkvoid we've had years of court and ss. I've been to court 16 times over contact with her dad. They don't care. They have made it very clear that she has to go.

@Starlight456 she does cook as enjoys it. She's had her phone removed for quite some time now (apart from for school and homework) and isn't allowed on the computer.

I've told her to clean off the bitch on the door but she refuses as it's the perfect word for me apparently.

He's abusive towards me and emotionally abusive towards her.

Not taking her would be punishing her for the fact that her father is abusive towards her. Don't do it - much as it is hard, emotional abuse can cause a life time of hurt and you need to make her feel welcome and loved no matter how hard it is.

She deserves quality time with one parent and teenagers (and all children) need the love from you most when they are behaving like they least deserve it.

She sounds angry, counselling definitely will help, ideally family counselling where she's seen alone but you all are involved in some sessions. As for sn, she actually sounds quite typical for age, especially where there's family issues - any chance you can talk with her father about this because a united front is always better

Symptoms of trauma are often the same as ASD so I can understand why counselling was reccomended. It sounds a very difficult situation.

Why is bit*h the perfect word for you? Are you able to discuss with her why she is so angry at you?

I do hope that you are able to access some support urgently.

Family Court is a travesty!

Op she is gillick compitant and her wishes will be takwn into account, she is at an age where she can stop going to her fathers.

In your shoes i would email MASH with her situation and say that due to abuse from her father she needs support and help before it reaches crisis point.

Log your worries with her head of year/school, gp and make a stand.

She needs to be safe-guarded from paternal abuse.

Ps i would do thie above with an email to MASH and copy in school, gp with email for transparency

What's MASH?

Talking to her dad is pointless. I recently spoke to him about her (accidentally) accessing porn online and being called a bitch via text by her ex bf. He didn't give a shit and basically said she was goading the ex bf and he wasn't fussed about the porn. Admitted she'd looked at sex stuff (unknown to him at the time) at his but he deemed it as normal stuff 11/12 year olds do. She is not allowed her phone unsupervised with WiFi at home as a result but she has unlimited access at his. He does not really parent her. I'm fighting a losing battle with him.

She is not age there, OP.

Your ex sexually abused you, and now he’s got inappropriate boundaries for her viewing porn.

Every single incident needs logging and reporting. Who do you work with at the school?

*not safe

Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub you sould be able to find the one for your area by googling. I recommend doing an email to send to them and cc in her school welfare officer and her gp Dr.

Make sure that it is child centred, ie all about dd and her relationship with her father, the symptoms/behaviours she is exhibiting, what has been court ordered and ask for help, guidance and intevention so that you can safeguard her properly.

I know this won’t help all the time when you’re faced with awful behaviour, as are her siblings, but I recently read something that might help sometimes. When she has ‘challenging behaviour’ reframe it as ‘emotional behaviour’. She showing you how upset she is. I know this won’t solve anything, but it might help sometimes.

She's lashing out because she's clearly in pain, and angry. She's a 12-year-old. I know this is hard for you and your family, but she really needs your help and support.

You really need to find a good therapist who can work with her, listen to her, and support her. And make her feel that you love her while maintaining boundaries (which is easy to say, I know).

You say that she's better when you get 1:1 time. I think it sounds like she's badly trying to attract your attention. In your position, I would seriously try to spend more time with her so you can speak - perhaps plan a day or a weekend off with her?

We went in the end and it was lovely. She played up most on the last day as knew we were coming home anyway. So basically she was gone the day we went, then at bedtime played up until bedtime when we got back. It was nice to get away but hard work at times.

Unfortunately there is no one at all to have my other two children whilst I spend one to one time with her. There are two days coming up before the summer holidays where dc2 and 3 will be at school/nursery so I will treat her them. I would love individual time but it's just not possible except on very rare occasions.

Op can I ask what are her hobbies what does she enjoy doing?
Play to her strengths. Normally I would say sounds like a pain and discipline but I've read the full thread and I think your girl is suffering with not knowing where she fits in.
You say her dad has a lot of children where he lives. So she doesn't feel wanted by him. He's playing the courts to cause you pain he doesn't care about the kids and how they feel it's all about control.
A previous poster said could your mum have your other children for a few hours and you engage your daughter in something she loves doing be it cooking or swimming etc. You won't get anything from her until she is ready to talk to you so for now all you can do is spend time together and not put pressure on discussing things straight away that are clearly difficult for you.
She does love you and she knows she can hit out at you because you will not abandon her.
When the little ones go to bed can you have an hour sitting on sofa and pick out a tv show or a movie that you both enjoy and just 're connect as mother and daughter

Op your daughter is hurt and she is reacting very badly to the pain going on inside her.
Bring her back in, rather than cast her out. She sounds like she needs a lot of love and support not punishment.

She is acting out because she is being abused, are you also going to turn against her? Then who will she have. Agree with the I love you but you can’t hurt xx. I love you please be kind. Praise every single good thing she does. You could lose her altogether, as the connection has broken down between you. Bring her back into your heart. Firm boundaries and help her through this.