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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go on a business trip?

77 replies

Sessily · 27/05/2019 07:57

Hi all,

I'm expecting my first baby in July and am going to be a single mum. I am intending to breastfeed for as long as I can, but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I am planning to take about three months of maternity leave and then go back to work, because it's all I can afford. My work involves some travel, but it's not a regular thing (a couple of times a year, usually, and none of these trips are absolutely required). My boss has asked me, however, if I can teach a few workshops abroad in November, which I have done before. It would be a four day trip at least (two travel days, and two days of teaching). I brought it up with my mum the other night and said I'd have to say no because I have no idea how I would manage it - I will have a baby to take care of and I'll hopefully still be breastfeeding. But my mum got very pissy with me, said I was limiting myself and should just take baby along. I could only see hurdles: who would look after baby while I was working? How could I get all the stuff I need for baby on those flights by myself (there is at least one connecting flight involved) - and how would baby cope with those travelling days anyway? I'm usually in very basic accommodation when I travel for work, so I don't know if there will be any facilities to help me take care of baby (and I'm in non profit, so I can't reasonably request all sorts of additional comforts). It's a safe country, but I don't speak the language and have no network there, so what if something goes wrong?

Anyway, my mum kept making me feel guilty and weak (and anti-feminist) for not just making it work, or even trying to make it work. I mean, obviously my career matters to me (I need to support my small family, too), and I don't want to be one of those mums who can only function as long as there is a strict routine, but this really seems quite stressful.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal to take your baby with you on business trips? What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsworth · 27/05/2019 08:00

No, I wouldn't go, for all the logical logistics you've mentioned. Your mum is barking if she thinks hauling a 4 month baby along to a business trip is feasible.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/05/2019 08:02

Nope, you’re already going to be stressed and will find it quite tiring to be dealing with a 4mo (even a great easy one).

Awrite · 27/05/2019 08:03

No, I wouldn't go. Besides your baby only being 4 months old, you will still be recovering. Don't underestimate the toll that pregnancy, birth and caring for a newborn takes on your body.

I had my first on my own. I had lots of family support. I loved every minute of that first year but a business trip when she was so tiny - no.

tobypercy · 27/05/2019 08:04

You can't go on a business trip with the baby and no other support - you're there to work not to look after baby. If you were able to take someone with you to care for the baby while you're working then it might work but it doesn't sound like that's possible. YANBU

BarbaraofSevillle · 27/05/2019 08:06

Could your DM come with you on the trip to look after the baby? You would have to pay for her flight obviously, but the accommodation shouldn't cost extra as you often get a twin room even when travelling alone.

If it's only once or twice a year, then you should probably try and do it to keep your career on track as it's you alone responsible for earning a living.

Xiaoxiong · 27/05/2019 08:08

I spoke at a conference in similar circumstances but my mum came with me and took care of the baby. Would that be an option?

maddening · 27/05/2019 08:08

Tell your boss that you will be breastfeeding so he would need to accommodate this in the business trip with suitable accommodation and childcare and time for you to breastfeed or pump throughout.

SunshineSpring · 27/05/2019 08:09

The only way that could possibly work would be if you took baby, plus the childcare, with you. And that would probably be at your cost (so flights plus accomadation, plus living expenses for baby plus whoever is doing the childcare). However, I'd be tempted to decline the travel this time. Once baby is a bit bigger, it could be time to reconsider, but you will always have the issue of who can do the overnight care.

But, just to reassure you, it is perfectly truly possible to travel on planes with one adult and one baby, plus luggage for 4 days. Please dont let that bit prevent you from doing something you want.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/05/2019 08:12

You could try what @BarbaraofSeville has suggested - bring your mother or someone who you will hopefully have in place to look after your baby when you go back to work anyway with you on this trip. Alternatively, could you investigate remote training. You're giving the training from your location over the internet (Skype or similar) and the attendees dial in?
Do those attendees have to be trained up in November? Could they come to you instead? How many of them are we talking about?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/05/2019 08:14

You'd have to take a sitter but plane travel with a baby/child isn't hard.

Your employer will still expect you to be able to do your job and all it's roles so if you will be back from maternity then you should be fully at work doing all aspects.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2019 08:15

I wouldn’t commit to it now. If you have a great recovery and an easy baby, it could be doable. Doesn’t sound like your mum is very supportive. If I had to go, I would have taken my mum for childcare.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2019 08:17

Your employer will still expect you to be able to do your job and all it's roles so if you will be back from maternity then you should be fully at work doing all aspects.

Your employer would be unreasonable to expect someone with a tiny infant to be take international trips. You could remind them that you’re back from maternity leave very early.

Original poster
Sessily · 27/05/2019 08:17

@SunshineSpring - I just wonder how I'd get the pram and everything on board. And a cot? And all the other items I'd need for baby, and then my laptop and work stuff, and personal things? It's all new to me so it feels like such a massive operation. :)

Everyone else, thanks for the replies! My mum could perhaps come with me, but I'd need to pay for her flight and accommodation, and tickets especially are really costly, whereas it's going to be a tricky year financially anyway.

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2019 08:19

Your employer will still expect you to be able to do your job and all it's roles so if you will be back from maternity then you should be fully at work doing all aspects.

I think forcing a breastfeeding mother to go on a business trip is treading on very thin ice re the equality act. Breastfeeding is an issue a man would never ever have.

Her boss has asked her and probably expects her to say no. Ultimately if they don't ask her then this could also be seen as discrimination as they are preventing her having normal opportunities due to maternity.

Your mum's nuts OP YANBU at all.

Mistigri · 27/05/2019 08:22

Your mum is bonkers and tbh your boss is a bit unreasonable/stupid to ask in the first place. Many women delay their return to work once they actually have a baby, and you don't have to tell your employer now whether you will be back in November.

Original poster
Sessily · 27/05/2019 08:24

@WhatchaMaCalllit - Remote training would be very hard, as it involves quite a few practical demonstrations. There's about 30 of them, so unreasonable to expect them all to come here instead. Other people would be able to give the training, though - none of my direct colleagues, but one of my equivalents working at one of our offices abroad could probably do it.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 27/05/2019 08:29

I think you need to speak to your boss because a PP is right, if you return from mat leave you do need to be able to work as expected. It may be that your boss is fine about you not fulfilling international travel for the first year or so but you need to know now really otherwise it’s only going to cause stress for you.

Mistigri · 27/05/2019 08:37

Other people would be able to give the training, though -

Then your boss is being really foolish if he doesn't arrange for them to do it.

It would be stupid to arrange for an employee to do a trip before you even know if she will be back from maternity leave.

Forget your mum, it's your boss who is being unreasonable here.

LadyBrienneofTarth · 27/05/2019 08:37

The boss did the right thing by asking

Imagine if he or she didn't ask ? Would be an uproar

I think employers are required to make "reasonable accommodations" which would clearly involved sending someone else or organizing remote training

SallyWD · 27/05/2019 08:38

I hate to say this and I know it's not helpful but I can't imagine going back to work after 3 months. I was surviving on very little sleep then. As for the business trip,not worth the stress. Your mum is not being realistic.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 27/05/2019 08:39

Many women would still be on maternity leave at that point. Unless your career is at stake then no I wouldn't move heaven to do it. Sounds like madness.

Brefugee · 27/05/2019 08:41

If you weren't expecting, how much would you want to go on this trip? If it's something you really really want to do, how about asking your employer if they will provide a nanny and help for you to do this?

Probably, in your shoes, I'd say no, but I'd frame it so that it was with deep regret (even if you really don't want to go) but that as you'll have a new baby you can't see how it work. What I definitely wouldn't mention is anything at all about being a single mum (even if they know) and the childcare arrangements you will have in place. You only need to talk about the business aspect: travel and nanny.

But i think you'll be fine to reject it this year and leave open the question of future events when your child is older.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/05/2019 08:42

if you return from mat leave you do need to be able to work as expected

There is accommodation required for breastfeeding. Women are not slacking if when they return from maternity leave they don't hop straight on planes for foreign trips.

I would be surprised if the company are demanding rather than asking. I'd say this time assume "no' but a few months down the line it may be fine (although with a sitter at home rather than taking the baby abroad).

Ringsender2 · 27/05/2019 08:42

From a personal level it sounds like a no.

From a professional level, would it be worth talking to acas or similar so that you know where you stand from an employment law perspective?

As PP have said, you will be back at work full time etc. However, there are accommodations mandated for breastfeeding. I am not sure of the details, hence suggesting acas.

Seems to me they either accommodate you by you not going, or they pay for/organise child care, support and sufficient breaks for bf.

Good luck with everything, esp the birth, and enjoy your mat leave.

adagio · 27/05/2019 08:44

I would say no, personally. I used to do loads of business travel but since having kids tend to avoid it. As pp have said it is possible to travel - they don’t need much stuff at that age and you can cosleep or see if hotel has a travel cot. All you really need is a folding buggy (eg I have baby jogger city mini zip, small and lightweight) which you push right up to plane doors then hand to hostess, a change bag with more nappies than usual (4 days worth) and a clothes bag for the pair of you, which you can check in. As you push buggy all the way to the plane hand luggage is actually easier than usual to juggle - choose your bag wisely and work laptop will fit in the ‘change’ bag.
BUT logistics of childcare in a foreign country, or being away from your baby at that age - well I just wouldn’t really want to, unless it was literally totally non optional. At that age I would be finding working days hard, let alone travel too. Plus to be honest, you can’t say for sure at this point how the birth will go and how you’ll feel. You might be bottle feeding and delighted to have a few days off by then, or you might be breastfeeding and (emotionally) inseparable, or you could still be recovering from birth.

Good luck whatever you decide Flowers