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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to go on a business trip?

77 replies

Sessily · 27/05/2019 07:57

Hi all,

I'm expecting my first baby in July and am going to be a single mum. I am intending to breastfeed for as long as I can, but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I am planning to take about three months of maternity leave and then go back to work, because it's all I can afford. My work involves some travel, but it's not a regular thing (a couple of times a year, usually, and none of these trips are absolutely required). My boss has asked me, however, if I can teach a few workshops abroad in November, which I have done before. It would be a four day trip at least (two travel days, and two days of teaching). I brought it up with my mum the other night and said I'd have to say no because I have no idea how I would manage it - I will have a baby to take care of and I'll hopefully still be breastfeeding. But my mum got very pissy with me, said I was limiting myself and should just take baby along. I could only see hurdles: who would look after baby while I was working? How could I get all the stuff I need for baby on those flights by myself (there is at least one connecting flight involved) - and how would baby cope with those travelling days anyway? I'm usually in very basic accommodation when I travel for work, so I don't know if there will be any facilities to help me take care of baby (and I'm in non profit, so I can't reasonably request all sorts of additional comforts). It's a safe country, but I don't speak the language and have no network there, so what if something goes wrong?

Anyway, my mum kept making me feel guilty and weak (and anti-feminist) for not just making it work, or even trying to make it work. I mean, obviously my career matters to me (I need to support my small family, too), and I don't want to be one of those mums who can only function as long as there is a strict routine, but this really seems quite stressful.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal to take your baby with you on business trips? What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

herculepoirot2 · 27/05/2019 08:44

Unless travel is integral to the role and can’t be undertaken by anyone else, your employer would be opening themselves up to a discrimination claim. Being a new mother is very hard. People can’t just pretend it isn’t and expect everything to carry on as before (them, not you).

Passthecherrycoke · 27/05/2019 08:44

The thing is, OP is returned from maternity leave. The legislation around BF just means offering her somewhere to pump. Not restricting her role because she can’t perform it. It sounds like the manager will be reasonable but OP needs to speak to them about it now.
As a single mother obviously very dependant on the income she needs to know when she can push and when she can’t. It’s really important these boundaries are established

Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2019 08:45

I would be surprised if the company are demanding rather than asking. I'd say this time assume "no' but a few months down the line it may be fine (although with a sitter at home rather than taking the baby abroad).

^^exactly this. It sounds to me like the OP's boss is planning ahead and thinking that he/she will probably need to find an alternative.

Jent13c · 27/05/2019 08:47

I'm not sure I could hack the work thing but travelling can be done on your own with a baby.
Feeding- much easier if bf, you dont need anything with you. If ff then I've been told the best way is to order from the pharmacy after security in the airport.
Equipment- you get extra

Cariadne · 27/05/2019 08:47

Of course you can’t take a baby on a business trip! Your mum is daft to even suggest it. It’s totally reasonable for you not to do non-essential trips in the first year of your baby’s life imo

Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2019 08:48

The legislation around BF just means offering her somewhere to pump

Nope it is about not treating breastfeeding women in a way that disadvantages them because this would be sexual discrimination. BUT it is 2-way so the employer must also offer 'normal' opportunities or that is also sexual discrimination.

jay55 · 27/05/2019 08:48

There is no guarantee you'll be back working at that point.
I mean I hope all goes to plan but sometimes things just don't.

So it would be sensible for them to arrange someone else. I'd hope it isn't an issue long term, Nd more a case of needing to resource plan now and get the best priced flights.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 27/05/2019 08:50

Due to finances, I had to go back to work when DD1 was just 16 weeks old. It was hell. I was still breastfeeding, my hormones were still all over the place and it took a long time for my brain to work properly on so little sleep.

But, my boss was incredibly supportive. My monthly 2 day work trips to Paris were changed to skype calls and I was excused from international travel until I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months.

Talk to your boss. Be honest that you’re returning early but may need some support and flexibility in doing so for the first few months. Good luck x

Jent13c · 27/05/2019 08:51

Allowance for car seat and pram you can take to gate. I think you can have a travel cot too but I co sleep so never needed that.
So once you are through security all you have is pram, baby and baby bag. The most stressful part is getting your bags at the end but you can ask for assistance if reqd.

Original poster

Sessily · 27/05/2019 08:53

My boss did ask, not demand - he can be a bit thoughtless, but is generally a good guy and has been very supportive throughout my pregnancy. I really like my job, and giving this particular training is one of my favourite things to do, so it's not as if I'm glad to get out of it. It may hurt my career indirectly (someone else will be asked to give this training from now on, and perhaps get some other opportunities because of it) but it's not part of my regular responsibilities. I usually consider it more of a job perk or privilege.

And yes, I imagine going back to work fulltime after three months will take a toll, but maternity pay is just not enough to live off (and as I said, I do like my job so I am lucky that way).

OP posts:

edgeofheaven · 27/05/2019 08:53

OP do we have the same mum? Mine made me feel very guilty for turning down a job requiring a lot of international travel, I have two DCs and DH also travels for work so that would me potentially leaving them with their nanny while both of us are away on a monthly basis. She said that the DCs would be fine etc. but in my heart I just felt it would be too much stress on the family.

Agree with PP to get very clear from your boss how much travel is required and when. If it can wait until baby is weaned that will be a huge difference for you and whoever the caregiver is at home.

MustStopSnacking28 · 27/05/2019 08:54

Hi OP, at my work (university) we have a special fund for people in your sort of position which you can apply for and they may give you money towards taking your mum with you to look after you baby. It’s to try and make things more inclusive for carers (could also be for people with elderly parents etc). I know universities can be unique with this sort of thing but might there be something like that at your work?

ButterflyWitch · 27/05/2019 08:54

Hi OP a lot to think about here and it’s understandable that you want to do this for your employer,
But when you have such a small baby you’ll have their needs and your hormones to deal with (And babies often have a sleep regression around 4months so you’ll likely be knackered). If it’s not an essential trip, why not explain to your boss that you’ll need to ease back into your return to work and won’t be able to accommodate that trip? It’s better to be honest and realistic with your boss than let them down at the last minute. AND you don’t want to spend the next 6months worrying about this.
Also, even with the best intentions you may not be exclusively bf at that point so try not to make decisions on ‘what-ifs’.
FFIW I returned at 11m, still bf, and my work we’re great at reducing my travel commitments.
Have you thought about a phased return to work rather than straight back to ft? 3 days a week for 1st month, 4 days a week for next two?? Might make things easier for you?

Gintonic · 27/05/2019 08:55

When my baby was that age we were still having medical appointments two or three times a week, due to both me and him having health problems, feeding problems etc. So on that basis alone, no.

milkshak3 · 27/05/2019 08:56

what does your contract say. If you are contractually required to do these trips then yabu to say no. if it's not in your contract, I would not do it.

good point raised by ring about accomodations for BF mothers.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 08:58

If this is a normal part of your role then your employer has to offer it to you - to do otherwise would be discrimination. But it sounds impractical and like there are other viable alternatives - have a chat with your boss and see if someone else could cover this trip

grumiosmum · 27/05/2019 08:59

If you work for a non-profit, I would expect they would be sympathetic to your situation.

I'm a very strong feminist, but in your situation I'd probably say no to this trip, decide when you will be able to (when baby is 6 months/9 months/1 year) whatever ... and as a single parent start to plan your childcare options, because that's going to be key to having a productive and successful working life.

ememem84 · 27/05/2019 09:01

I went back after mat leave with ds when he was 7.5m. I was expected to just carry on with my role as if I’d never left. Which was fine. I needed to compartmentalise home and work.

My boss took me aside and did say that he thought I might find the travel aspect differently so if it was ok with me I’d not do any overnight rips for the first year. I was absolutely happy with this. Have done days to London and Paris. Days to the French alps. Etc.

Am now pregnant again and we’ll be doing the same thing when I go back in January.

(Although there is an annual trip to Jerusalem/tel aviv which I’d love to go on in June of next year. Adored Israel the last time I was there so may make an exception for that!)

Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2019 09:04

If you work for a non-profit, I would expect they would be sympathetic to your situation.

I work for an evil private profit-maker and definitely they wouldn't force this. I have no idea what difference this makes.

Cath2907 · 27/05/2019 09:05

I travel a lot with work. It is normal to say no sometimes. In your circumstances I’d say no. I’d also explain the breastfeeding thing. You can’t take a baby on a business trip and your mum is bonkers to think you can!

Teateaandmoretea · 27/05/2019 09:06

The issue is the OP's DM as far as I can see, her boss has just asked her (as he has to)

C8H10N4O2 · 27/05/2019 09:10

And yes, I imagine going back to work fulltime after three months will take a toll, but maternity pay is just not enough to live off

I had to go back at this point when my eldest was born and it was very tough.

If you can put anything in place to buy yourself an extra month do so. Not because you necessarily intend to do it but to give yourself some flex in case one of you is unwell after the birth.

Informal support via friends and family for odd emergencies/bad days/to get some sleep at a weekend will also be even more important if you return relatively early.

DieCryHate · 27/05/2019 09:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I asked to be excused from a business trip when pregnant due to other mitigating factors and they were fine with it. My boss went in my place as like you, it wasn't training that could be done via Skype etc.

Rumplestrumpet · 27/05/2019 09:21

Congrats OP on your pregnancy. In general I would say don't make too many firm decision now, as so many things can change and you don't want to feel like you've failed in some way. You may have an easy labour, easy feeder and happy sleeper, but you might not, which is ok and totally normal. At 4 months I was planning to join DH on a work trip to New York, but with colic and sleep deprivation I just wasn't even able to do it.
In your situation there's just no way I'd even consider doing this work trip. It would be so exhausting and seems unnecessary. And there's certainly no way I'd pay for my mum to come along out of my own pocket. It's ok if you turn down certain work opportunities in the months immediately after giving birth - or even years later, if that feels right to you. It doesn't make you less of a feminist.
And let's be honest, it's a lot easier to be career focused when you have a supportive partner. Doing it on your own is hard. Don't set unreasonable goals to beat yourself with (or let your mum do that!) Take it easy on yourself and don't let your mum get you down. I'm sure you're doing great.

Original poster

Sessily · 27/05/2019 09:27

If you can put anything in place to buy yourself an extra month do so. Not because you necessarily intend to do it but to give yourself some flex in case one of you is unwell after the birth.

Thank you - it's very good advice and I know it may not work out as I hope it will. I have some savings I could fall back on should there be any problems with my recovery or if baby has a difficult start that will tide us over another couple of months, but if it's not really necessary, it'd be much better to return to work and keep those savings for emergencies (there is always something ;) ).

OP posts:

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