To refuse to go on a business trip?

[Sessily]

Hi all,

I'm expecting my first baby in July and am going to be a single mum. I am intending to breastfeed for as long as I can, but we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, I am planning to take about three months of maternity leave and then go back to work, because it's all I can afford. My work involves some travel, but it's not a regular thing (a couple of times a year, usually, and none of these trips are absolutely required). My boss has asked me, however, if I can teach a few workshops abroad in November, which I have done before. It would be a four day trip at least (two travel days, and two days of teaching). I brought it up with my mum the other night and said I'd have to say no because I have no idea how I would manage it - I will have a baby to take care of and I'll hopefully still be breastfeeding. But my mum got very pissy with me, said I was limiting myself and should just take baby along. I could only see hurdles: who would look after baby while I was working? How could I get all the stuff I need for baby on those flights by myself (there is at least one connecting flight involved) - and how would baby cope with those travelling days anyway? I'm usually in very basic accommodation when I travel for work, so I don't know if there will be any facilities to help me take care of baby (and I'm in non profit, so I can't reasonably request all sorts of additional comforts). It's a safe country, but I don't speak the language and have no network there, so what if something goes wrong?

Anyway, my mum kept making me feel guilty and weak (and anti-feminist) for not just making it work, or even trying to make it work. I mean, obviously my career matters to me (I need to support my small family, too), and I don't want to be one of those mums who can only function as long as there is a strict routine, but this really seems quite stressful.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal to take your baby with you on business trips? What would you do in my situation?

Hopefully this won't come across the wrong way, but I think whether you are a single mum by choice or not is relevant here. If you've been left high and dry by a freckles father that's one thing but if you chose to parent alone (e.g. Sperm donor) then I think your mum has a point in the sense that she is clumsily trying to look out for you. If you chose this path you knew you were going to have to juggle the impossible and this kid is counting on you and you alone so maybe she sees it in a 'buck up you've made your bed' kind of way?

Anyway it sounds a bit of a nightmare and I'd probably tell my boss that you had considered it carefully but it just wasn't logistically possible on this occasion but that you're really fwd to resuming normal activity on that front as soon as kid is a bit more self sufficient

Business travel is do-able as single parent to a very young child but only if you have reliable childcare with you, family or paid. This was always something I had to cover at my own expense. It was financially worth it in the long run but costly in the shorter term.

If it was a big opportunity that had an impact on your career, I'd say try to make it work. But if it's just a routine thing you do every year and could easily skip once, I'd skip it this year. It's quite cruel your boss has asked tbh, do they have kids?

I'd show willing that you're not saying no forever, just while baby is so young, most women would still be on maternity leave.

Poor boss has come in for some undue criticism from a few posters. In order not to discriminate they must at least ask.

Imagine if they hadn’t: AIBU to be upset my boss gave the best part of my job to a colleague just because I had a baby even thought I’m back from mat leave?

Don’t take a baby on the work trip in your own. I can’t think of anything more distracting and unprofessional and I can’t imagine your HR dept would allow it anyway.
There will be plenty of work trips to come,
Missing one unless your career is hanging on it at this point is absolutely fine!
Enjoy your LO and find a balance that works for you two.

I would speak to your boss and thank him for asking you first, reiterate it's one of your favourite tasks, however on this occasion would it be possible to look at alternatives as baby will still be adjusting to your return. I would say anything from January (6mths) is more reasonable.

@plunkplunkfizz yes that's true, I hadn't thought of it like that.

@Rumplestrumpet has given very sensible advice.

OP’s manager was right to ask and it is up to OP to turn it down if she feels she is not ready. OP can make it clear to her boss that the trip is not doable this year but can do it next year when she is more settled.

If the manager hadn’t asked, people would say he was discriminating against OP because of her baby.

Baby would cope fine with travel. Many hotels offer a baby sitting service. Look at facilities and see if it’s feasible.

I took my son round Europe at 3 months old and he was fine.

Thank you for all the excellent advice! Really appreciated.

I would just tell the boss that as you will have a young baby and this is completely new to you ( first time mum) you can't commit to anything because you have no idea Of what your life will be like
Your mums attitude is a bit Shite. You'd expect a mum to volunteer to mind baby for you.

Baby would cope fine with travel. Many hotels offer a baby sitting service. Look at facilities and see if it’s feasible.

No way in hell I would leave a 4 month old baby with a hotel babysitter. Usually they are just off-duty staff who've done a bit of training, they are not professional nannies.

Unless your work will pay for your mum to accompany you, absolutely say no.
I've just returned from a trip abroad where I did the travelling alone with DS (8mo) and it was so hard. You have baby, luggage, cot, car seat, hand luggage, and buggy/sling and just one pair of hands.
You don't know what the baby will be like, they could be an angel or cry non stop..
Also, in truth, i think you'll really struggle to go back at 3 months, and potentially need to be more realistic about it, I've never met anyone who could leave their baby at this age and in truth I think it would be detrimental to your baby to have to be away from its mother for extended periods at that age.
DS absolutely will not take a bottle so until he was established on food/water around a month ago I couldn't have even left him for the day.
If you're breastfeeding, don't just assume you can express or that baby will happily switch from breast to bottle.

The trip will have no impact on your career, it's just running training sessions. It's a simple chat with boss that you can't do it with your family commitments. If this was a huge deal then I would say 100% push yourself & find a way, but this is really worrying over mothing

Does your mother work? Perhaps work can pay for her flights and accommodation and pay her a wage to be your assistant for the trip? (Assuming she's willing and available...)

maryberryslayers I think your advice is unhelpful.
Why should her work pay for anyone's childcare? And a lot of people in the US go back at 3 months - given op is a single mum she may not have a choice, I'm not sure this is helpful.

Op I agree with others that if you can go back a bit later it will be helpful for both of you. And definitely consider travelling with your mum - if she is so invested in your career progression then perhaps she can get involved (or otherwise butt out). Travelling with a 3 month old is not necessarily so hard, but working while your 3 month old is looked after by a stranger in a hotel would be difficult to impossible for most mums.

Good luck and congratulations

Thanks, all!

I'm from an immigrant family, and most women in my home country are back at work 10-12 weeks after giving birth, so I think under normal circumstances I should be fine going back to work after three months. It might be hard to leave baby during the day (it's all new to me, so I don't know how I'll react), but my cousin says by twelve weeks she was more than ready - almost desperate - to go back, so I really think it depends on the person (and their cultural context).

OP, have you sorted childcare? most nurseries and childminder I know won't take a 3 months old. 4 months as minimum age is fairly common.

My advice @Sessily is don't base your maternity leave around what other women have done, irrespective of how closely related they are to you.
Your maternity leave is yours and only you will know just how long you'll need. Also, is there not a minimum number of weeks that you must take? Is that only 3 months? You may find that you have to take longer than you're thinking of at the moment.
Remember, this is maternity leave and you only get it the once (per child) so savour each moment of it.

Just consider how it would affect your position at work if you refuse to do the work - especially if it's part of your job.

I just don't think you can take a 4 month old baby to work with you.

I took my baby with me for a work conference in Chicago but DH came with me and looked after him when I was at work.

How on earth would you do it if you didn't have help?

It's perfectly reasonable of your boss to ask and perfectly reasonable of you to say no. Can you start thinking how you'll handle it in the future though so you can let your boss know where they stand? Would your mum be able to look after your child in future if you were away? Would you want her to?

If you could say I intend to BF until x months, after that I will be able to go on trips of up to x days. I wouldn't offer to pay yourself for your mother but I would present that as an option to your boss if they're stuck.

Yes, I have found a childminder who will take the baby from twelve weeks.

There is no minimum number of weeks, as far as I know. Medically, I've heard six weeks is recommended as a minimum. I think perhaps there might be an EU rule that dictates 14 weeks minimum for maternity leave, but that is including the time off before the baby is born.

I've a feeling you must take 2 weeks, and 4 weeks for heavy work, after the baby is born.
You are well over those amounts.

I just want to reiterate plunkplunkfizz’s point. I felt very pushed out when I returned from mat leave and my (well-meaning but thoughtless) boss offered all the good stuff to my colleagues. When I approached him about it, said he “hadn’t thought i’d be available”, which was very disappointing as i’d been going out of my way to
“lean in” (horrible phrase). Although you certainly shouldn’t feel under pressure to go, I would take it as a sign that your boss values you, which will be incredibly useful as you start this new chapter of your life.

Having said all that, I’d consider going. If your mum thinks it’s such a good idea, let her step up and help you! Don’t worry about logistics: any hotel will provide and travel cot, and babies get a luggage allowance for stuff like push chairs and car seats.