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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, re: paranoia

66 replies

shakeitofff · 26/05/2019 23:26

My dp was texting a colleague of his at work. I did find and see the txts but nothing ever came of it (apparently).
Fast forward to a few weeks later. I've noticed her coming online the same time as my DP and then off again. It's so hard to tell but could it be possible they're still speaking together?
I checked through phone and there's ZILCH there. He deleted her number etc, I've tried looking everywhere - hidden files, notes, searching her number on his phone. Still zero. I'm inclined to think he keeps her number written down and will txt her when not there but just have no idea.
Am I being paranoid? Forgot to say, I have this woman's number (from when I caught him out) so that's how I check her last seen and all this week its been similar or same time as when dp has been online...

OP posts:
cherryblossomgin · 26/05/2019 23:30

It depends if the original texts were innocent.

Bambamber · 26/05/2019 23:32

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. What is the point of a relationship if there's no trust?

FlorenceKettle · 26/05/2019 23:32

What were the original texts about? Has he got form for shady behaviour?

drinkygin · 26/05/2019 23:42

Not enough info so it’s difficult to say. Is he shady with his phone? Secretive in other ways? What were the texts like?

Original poster
shakeitofff · 26/05/2019 23:42

They were texting sexually and I'd say on the border of an EA.
When I found out, he promised to not text her again - deleted her number, texts etc. But I'm just not convinced because of seeing her come online when he's on. It's so difficult. I don't have evidence but it seems this week they've been online at similar times?

OP posts:
FlorenceKettle · 26/05/2019 23:44

Seems pretty conclusive to me

Can I ask why you didn't give him the boot when you found him sending sexual shit to another woman?

kaytee87 · 26/05/2019 23:59

How can you see her come online when he is? What do you mean by that?
He's texted someone sexually and you don't trust him, is there any point in continuing the relationship?

Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 00:06

On WhatsApp.. I go to her name she's online 1.30 for example, then look at dps his last seen is 1.31...
Then sometimes dp has text me at 10.28 for example . I go to her name and see she was last seen at 10.29.

Just seems too coincidental. He's still txting her I believed

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/05/2019 00:06

It does sound like you’re being overly paranoid I’m afraid. I don’t think being online at the same time means much, most people are on and off their phones throughout the day so chances are the times are likely to match up at times.

If your DP says there’s nothing there you need to trust him and move on. Going through his phone isn’t trust. If you don’t trust him, you need to end it - as your relationship means nothing at all without it.

kaytee87 · 27/05/2019 00:08

Why do you have her on whatsapp? Did you know her prior to this?

If you think he's still texting her then dump him.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 00:09

@Sparklesocks

True but they had been texting for two whole months up until I confronted him. I'm dubious that he just "stopped" texting her as he still works with the woman. I think I've done very well in trusting him... I've tried my absolute hardest. It's just this week he's been online randomly so I decided to check her last seen and that's when I saw them coming online a few times together. Just have no proof Sad

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/05/2019 00:11

It sounds like you’re quite unhappy in your relationship if you’re getting caught up with this. It might be best to move on, you don’t want to live like this.

kaytee87 · 27/05/2019 00:11

You know, you don't actually need proof to end the relationship.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 00:12

@kaytee87

Because when I confronted him he denied it and was advised actually on here to get screenshots and her number! I saved her number, so when he denied it I purposely let him know I had her number and I'd txt her for her side of the story. Unsurprisingly that's when he confessed Hmm
So she's just still in my phone. I'm just not 100% they are txting though

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 27/05/2019 00:16

Ah ok. Well as I said, you don't need proof. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to find it.

Emerald4512 · 27/05/2019 00:26

It sounds like you can do much better! X

Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 00:27

@kaytee87

True it's just a battle of my paranoia vs the fact he could be trying. I know there are men out there who will try after they've been caught out. It's just odd how they've been online similar times! Just feel like a paranoid wreck!

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 27/05/2019 00:33

I'd be pretty suspicious of that too. He's already proved himself to be an untrustworthy liar, so not sure you could be called paranoid for wondering if he's cheating again.

As others have said though, is there a particular reason you still want to be with this man?

StCharlotte · 27/05/2019 00:46

So he's deleted her. Possibly not blocked her? So, assuming she hasn't deleted him, can she still see when he's online?

(I'm obviously not a tech expert!)

HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 00:56

Do you live together?

Justbreathing · 27/05/2019 01:01

Is this the way you want to live your life.

0DimSumMum0 · 27/05/2019 01:04

I'd go with your gut instinct as it's usually correct!

Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 15:04

Yes we live together but I think he's texting her whilst at work

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 15:05

@StCharlotte

Yeah he only deleted her number but we agreed he didn't block her because he changed his Display pic to a pic of me and him so she could see it?! Maybe I'll suggest he blocks her but I don't see the point if he's contacting her whilst at work, he'll just unblock and message

OP posts:
Nearlythere1 · 27/05/2019 15:30

suggesting he blocks her is going to to zilch, he'll just unblock her when away from you, delete and block before getting home. I think it's pretty obvious what is going on and either way, this is no way to live your life, and I think you just leave him. The betrayal has already to led to paranoia and that's just going to eat away at your health and sanity.

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