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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, re: paranoia

66 replies

shakeitofff · 26/05/2019 23:26

My dp was texting a colleague of his at work. I did find and see the txts but nothing ever came of it (apparently).
Fast forward to a few weeks later. I've noticed her coming online the same time as my DP and then off again. It's so hard to tell but could it be possible they're still speaking together?
I checked through phone and there's ZILCH there. He deleted her number etc, I've tried looking everywhere - hidden files, notes, searching her number on his phone. Still zero. I'm inclined to think he keeps her number written down and will txt her when not there but just have no idea.
Am I being paranoid? Forgot to say, I have this woman's number (from when I caught him out) so that's how I check her last seen and all this week its been similar or same time as when dp has been online...

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitofff · 27/05/2019 22:29

But if she had another number why would they be online on WhatsApp at similar times together? I'm not 100% sure if they are on together talking it's just when I check his last seen stamp, it's similar to hers or basically both online so meaning she's still using her usual number to txt him?!?!

I forgave him for the texts, we are working through it but I just have a feeling he's still txting her/planning stuff which is why I'm trying everything I can to get evidence. So far I've been unlucky and nothing is on his phone .

OP posts:
Ronnie27 · 27/05/2019 22:34

I think most people click on and off WhatsApp multiple times of day now with group chats etc so don’t think it necessarily proves anything, especially if you’ve checked and found nothing but this sounds awful for you op. It’s understandable to be a bit paranoid and stressed out but you can’t keep doing this to yourself.

Ronnie27 · 27/05/2019 22:35

*a

ZiggyZagZog · 27/05/2019 22:35

Whether he’s still texting her or not isn’t really the issue here. You don’t trust him. You probably never will. Is this the life you want for yourself going forward? It’ll be worse when you’re married with kids.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 07:46

It's happened again this morning both online and off at 7.10
So I think it's definitely the case

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/05/2019 07:51

You clearly don't trust him
Stop trying to work through it and leave him.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/05/2019 07:57

Why don’t you ask him who he’s texting? Ask to see his phone there and then?

I can’t really see a way out for you here. You understandably don’t trust him, but that isn’t going to get better while he still works with the OW.

babysharkah · 28/05/2019 08:10

God this sounds like hard work. Why do you have her number? Why did you search his phone in the first place?

b0bb1n · 28/05/2019 08:20

Sorry but I second all the people saying you should leave him. Gut feeling is often correct. Also even if you are wrong about them, the fact you can't really trust him because of previous texts will just torment you if you stay with him.

coffeehabit · 28/05/2019 08:22

Sorry about your situation OP.

I can feel the panic in your posts. Please stop tormenting yourself.

They work together so even if you were satisfied the texting had stopped, you'd be looking for other signs. You don't trust him. Please walk away.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 08:39

It's only going on in work but I can say three to four times a day so not sure if they're talking more over txt messages
It's not when he's here as he's always with me otherwise
I guess I just tried to work through it with him
And he's trying to reassure me as best he can but I just have that in my mind - them
Being online together a few times

OP posts:
Damntheman · 28/05/2019 08:40

OP, if you can't trust him then leave him and find someone who is worthy of your affection. You'll affect your mental health checking up on people like this, it's not good. Delete her number from your phone so you can't check it anymore and then decide if this man is worth your time or not.

Gardai · 28/05/2019 08:46

Totally agree with @Damntheman. This checking up will destroy your mental health. Think instead about whether you want a relationship with this man instead of trying to be quicker than him on WhatsApp and second guess everything. This will give you time to think.

Miniloso · 28/05/2019 08:49

Even if he number is not in his phone they can still connect on WhatsApp.. he would have to block her on WhatsApp to do that.

I have been in a similar situation albeit unable to check the other woman’s number and online status.

You have two options:

Decide to put your trust in him again, in which case you must stop looking at WhatsApp - it’s not conclusive and will drive you crazy. You have to do this, and stop looking at his phone. Or:

Decide for good he’s not trustworthy and the trust has been broken in an appalling way and end it.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, it truly is horrible. Know your worth and if your emotional and mental welfare is being compromised then do not stay.

Miniloso · 28/05/2019 09:01

Also, not to fuel your anxiety, but if she’s not in his contacts on his phone but has WhatsApp’ed him, he will still receive the message, but it’ll just show her number not her name. He can then contact her. If he has his profile pic on WhatsApp set to ’contacts only can see’ she will not be able to see the image of you and him as she is not in his phone contacts list. It will be blank. He can still see hers though if his name is in her phone contact list.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 13:28

@Miniloso

Thanks everything you said is so true down to a T.
I think I am going to try trust him a bit more as he's even sending me his work diary and days he's taken off for us etc. We're also planning s wedding . I just don't like the idea of him going behind my back. I've even said to him
If you need to talk to her at work then talk to her but please don't cross any lines. He convinced me he doesn't talk to her and has moved seats. I just can't tell.

Oh yes I knew that too. Hence why I've been searching her number in WhatsApp to see if there's any messages. I also know he has his WhatsApp set up so anyone can see his pic- I tested it on my friends phone - she added his number and we could still see his display image so it means he's set it to everyone can see it. Another reason why I'm baffled to why she's still txting him he's even wearing his wedding ring at work Hmm although we're not married yet

OP posts:
doingasurvey · 28/05/2019 13:39

Hi OP, how do you know though that he wears his wedding ring at work? It’s easy to take it off when he leaves and put it back on when he returns. I think you’re being too trusting of assurances he is giving you (which is understandable, we all want to believe that a partner is telling us the truth even if we know deep down there is a chance they’re not)

In my experience, if someone sexually texts another person and is having an EA with them , then they have checked out of the relationship. To go from texting regularly to not at all is unlikely in my view, particularly if they then have to see each other every day. They would find ways around it. I’m sorry to make you feel worse, that’s not my intention, but just wanted to share my experience.

SmileEachDay · 28/05/2019 13:39

he's even wearing his wedding ring at work hmm although we're not married yet

Ummm. Why?

Miniloso · 28/05/2019 13:48

Well you’re not sure she is texting him.

Besides that, I am in a very similar situation with my BF, he’s not an ex actually. I found him sexting someone when we were going through a hard time. I drove myself nuts looking at his phone etc. We ended up breaking up anyway. We got back together and I’ve decided to give him another chance. I now do not look at his phone, or check up on him on WhatsApp - it’s not easy but can be done. I feel loads better not looking. I’ve decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, which is my choice. To look at his phone etc would erode that decision and only serve to make me paranoid. He, like your BF, has done everything he can to reassure me and he also knows it will take a loooong time for me to regain trust in him and is prepared to do what I need to build trust again.

Take some time away from the hyper vigilance. You’ll be able to trust your instinct better if ever, god forbid, he is doing anything again,

Good luck OP.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 13:49

@doingasurvey

I totally agree which is why I'm so paranoid. It's funny though because I had written another post and got told from MNetters I was being TOO paranoid! This is what I tried to explain to them - about how they had been txting almost daily so how could it go from that to nothing...

The wedding ring thing is odd he actually likes the ring so wants to wear it he says Hmm I don't know if he's taking it off but you're right she also knows we're getting married so I don't think it'd make any difference he wore it or not. She's still aware we're planning a wedding etc.

I don't know what else to do really. I'm not being too trusting though? That's why I'm on here questioning his every motive. He hasn't gone out in the evenings or weekend he's always with us so the only time I get paranoid is when he's at work but he's even sending me his work diary showing me his days/holidays so he probably only sees her in the office

OP posts:
Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 13:51

His every move*

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 28/05/2019 13:51

I could not be bothered with this level of second guessing and mistrust. It will be taking a huge toll on you, physically, mentally and emotionally. I think you’re right to trust your instincts. Just get rid of him.

Haggisfish · 28/05/2019 13:52

You’re not even married. Just walk away before you are, with the added complications that brings and, god forbid, dc.

Original poster
shakeitofff · 28/05/2019 13:53

@Miniloso

Thanks so much for sharing your story. That's actually made me feel so much better I don't know why. Maybe that's what I need to do. I'm just blowing up everything he does, for example once he was only half an hour late back from work. I panicked convinced he'd gone to meet her then found out he'd broken down on way back home! Had the tow truck n everything. So that's just one example I can think off where I've let my paranoia get the best of me

Does your partner go out in the evenings/weekend without you? How do you cope with that? Do you feel your relationship is better now? I think I need to take a page out of your book tbh!

OP posts:
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