AIBU, re: paranoia

[shakeitofff]

My dp was texting a colleague of his at work. I did find and see the txts but nothing ever came of it (apparently).
Fast forward to a few weeks later. I've noticed her coming online the same time as my DP and then off again. It's so hard to tell but could it be possible they're still speaking together?
I checked through phone and there's ZILCH there. He deleted her number etc, I've tried looking everywhere - hidden files, notes, searching her number on his phone. Still zero. I'm inclined to think he keeps her number written down and will txt her when not there but just have no idea.
Am I being paranoid? Forgot to say, I have this woman's number (from when I caught him out) so that's how I check her last seen and all this week its been similar or same time as when dp has been online...

Also I should add, that since this has happened, I have put us living together on hold, until I feel I can trust him again.

You might want to do the same with your wedding, if for nothing else, than to reinforce to him that you are worth more, are serious and are prepared to walk away.

I was seeing someone and had a similar experience, but it was with his ex. Found out they were still texting, he promised to stop but I noticed they were always on whatsapp at the same time. I wrote it down and over the course of a week it was about 95% of the time. Of course he denied it, but also couldn't tell me why he'd been on WhatsApp as he couldn't show me evidence of who he'd been talking to. He said he'd just 'been on there'. To make matters worse, it can be a bit flaky with time stamps too. We didn't last much longer I'm afraid.

Well we don’t live together, but I pretty much know where he is most days. When we broke up I told his family why, and he was mortified. I very much doubt he would want to repeat his actions now that they are in the picture.
I have had therapy while we split to deal with self esteem issues and now I feel strong and less afraid of being alone. If he fucks up again I know I’ll be ok, and he can go to the gutter basically. I’ve put all plans on hold and don’t put up with any shit from him. He’s on trial basically. It’s a bit easier for me not living with him as I can check out from the relationship mentally when I need to.

Make a list of what you need from him to enable you to regain trust and tell him. Don’t undervalue yourself. He needs to know you will absolutely walk away and be happy without him if he’s a twat again.

It’s very easy to say LTB, but life is imperfect and not all relationships are the same.

You're paranoid and stalking his every move, and he's a walking cliche sexting his colleagues. Why on earth are you thinking about getting married

This way madness lies. I would recommend you LTB and get on with living your life and re-building your self-esteem. If its not this it will be something else. And once you receive the commitment you may crave such as marriage and babies you will end up in such further misery you will kick yourself for not walking away sooner. The stakes always get higher. And you will never feel satisfied. I have been in such a relationship and I can't tell you just how much it made me a shell of my former self. Get out whilst you still can and avoid being triangulated by him by all means.

In answer though, yes he does go out sometimes and will text me from wherever he is or send a pic. I don’t ask for that though. I don’t text him or call him when he is out I just disengage from contact. Watch TV, go online. It works for me that way. I just have to trust now. I’d be in the same situation with someone new, they might cheat too! It’s knowing my worth and talking A LOT with him when I need to about my fears and needs now.

Our relationship is better now yes, but I did and am having CBT therapy which has bucked me out of my bad patterns and re-established my self esteem.

He might not be enough for me, only time will now tell. He blew living with me, having access to my life whenever he wanted it. He now must wait for me to trust him again.

Put some boundaries in place. Perhaps you should wait a while to get married until you feel he’s up to the job. You may well discover, as I might, that he’s just not good enough for you, or what you need.

PM me if you prefer x

And again I ask ... why did you stay with this man when he was sending sexual messages to a woman he works with? Of COURSE he is still dabbling and doing it. Almost without doubt. Why aren't you booting his sorry arse to the kerb? Don't marry this man. He has already cheated on you and is probably still doing it

@FlorenceKettle steady on, your tone is a bit unnecessary

In what way is my tone unnecessary?

I agree with Florence. You aren’t even married yet and he’s messing you round. Just get shot.

How old are you?

That sounded like an insult but genuinely nelt interested

@Miniloso

Thanks so much for your advice. I'm not sure how to private message on here? Never done it?

I'm 33 dp is nearing 35

@FlorenceKettle

Sorry that you think this way but second chances do exist. I've had arguments/fallouts with friends I'll always give them another chance depending on how close we were. What helped me forgive him was there was nothing physical that happened- this was definitely confirmed by all the txts I saw. It seemed they just enjoyed the flirting with each other. I'm not saying it wouldn't have eventually happened but when I confronted him
He seemed genuinely sorry. But I did state if there was anything else I would leave. He knows this.

You don't have to be sorry! This isn't my life and I'm just someone tapping on a keyboard with my view

I sincerely hope it works out for you but you've had your warning about the type of man you're with and I think you'd be foolish indeed to ignore that warning.

Having said that though; I don't believe in second chances for any partner of mine dabbling in affairs and sex chat so this forms my point of view of course