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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt my mum didn’t tell me she was ill

73 replies

AtSea1979 · 26/05/2019 23:04

For backstory, I was nightmare in mid teens. In late teens my mum had cancer and her and my dad seemed to shut themselves off from me. Not keeping me updated, shrugging it off when I asked questions, to be my involved etc.

Fast forward to now, i’m a single parent, my parents have been involved in my DC life from the start, been through the lows and highs with me.

My dad said something a couple of weeks ago that made me worry, he said he needed phone number for where i’m staying “just in case”. It worried me and I kept turning it over. So later that week when alone with my mum I said, is there something I should know? You’re not ill again are you? etc. My mum said don’t be daft, it’s just your dad being silly etc. In conversation this week as reason she couldn’t go to shops with me, she said ‘I might as well tell you, I’ve had surgery this week, just to have a lump removed, they said it’s not cancer but they need to do more tests’.

Now I know I need to support my mum and respect her choice not to tell me etc but I can’t help but feel incredibly hurt that when I asked her a direct question she lied to my face. Part of me wants to have it out with her but I know the last thing she needs is me making it about my feeling so I just carried on like I wasn’t hurt. Would you say anything or just let it go?

OP posts:
DoNotDisturbPlease · 26/05/2019 23:06

Shes trying to protect you. She is being kind. For God sake dont "have it out with her" just love her, support her and be kind to yourself as well.

Soontobe60 · 26/05/2019 23:10

As a mum I wouldn't tell my DDs about any possible serious illness until I had to. So if I had a lump that was being investigated I would wait til a diagnosis, i.e. cancer or just a cyst. Purely because I wouldn't want to worry them unnecessarily.

Singlenotsingle · 26/05/2019 23:14

It's not about you! It's for her to tell you when she's good and ready.

JuniFora · 26/05/2019 23:15

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
AtSea1979 · 26/05/2019 23:17

Thanks that’s helped give perspective.
I guess because I’m on my own I tell them everything but they have a different relationship with me. I naturally tell them as my parents, as the solvers of all problems etc. Whereas I guess as their DD it’s not the same.

OP posts:
Puffkin · 26/05/2019 23:20

That was fucking vile Junifora, as well as fucking batshit.

fc301 · 26/05/2019 23:23

@JuniFora you're the sick individual

DoNotDisturbPlease · 26/05/2019 23:24

@Junifora

What a totally barmy and fucking horrible post.

JuniFora · 26/05/2019 23:27

People can agree to disagree. I wasn't insulting or rude although the two responses to me were.

TinselAndKnickers · 26/05/2019 23:28

JuniFora you're an arsehole.

OP I'm sure they just didn't want you to worry Thanks

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 26/05/2019 23:32

JuniFora there’s a big difference between making a drama with drama seekers and having a quiet chat with my mum on her own to check she’s ok and to be told she was when in fact she wasn’t entirely.

I use the term have it out as in have a conversation with her along the lines of, I was quite hurt that you didn’t tell me about the tests last week when I asked, will you please keep me more informed, i’m your DD and I love you and worry etc. Perhaps i’ll just say the last bit if it comes up.

OP posts:
ooooohbetty · 26/05/2019 23:33

I often don't tell my children when I'm ill or off work sick. I don't want them to worry about me. And that's all it is.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 26/05/2019 23:34

My mum is like this, wants to know the second my sister or I get ill but doesn't tell us about her illness or injury unless we witness it or will definitely see the aftermath, drives me nuts. I periodically remind her I am a grown up now!

Kazzyhoward · 26/05/2019 23:35

It's about her, not you.

Justajot · 26/05/2019 23:36

My parents are like this. I think that their own parents involving them in every health issue and one of their parents being a hypochondriac has made them conscious that they don't want to burden me with this. But they are really poor at remembering what they have and haven't said, so things gradually trickle out a few months later.

I just take a relaxed approach to it as I'm not going to be able to change anything.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/05/2019 23:38

My dh was having tests recently. All DC early 20s at college etc. My first response was..don't tell DC. I think it's a parents instinct to protect children. As it happens it was all clear so best they had no notion.
I think younger generations too are more open now but older people are more prone to keep things to themselves.

Hope your dm gets on ok. Just support her.

RandomMess · 26/05/2019 23:38

My parents were like this and actually told lies about themselves and relatives, it does not make for a healthy or happy relationship!

Its tough as you don't want your DC to worry but not being honest when directly asked is short sighted of them.

I hope your Mum is ok Thanks

OwlBeThere · 26/05/2019 23:41

Ah I do understand OP. But for what it’s worth I don’t tell my dad until I know there is something to worry about as he’s such a worrier I don’t want to stress him out unnecessarily. I’m sure it’ll be to protect you rather than exclude you.
Ignore junifora. Hmm

Usingmyindoorvoice · 26/05/2019 23:42

I’ve had cancer, and the hardest part was project managing everyone else’s response to my news and subsequent treatment, minimising how I felt so my adult children embarking on their own lives would not feel compelled to focus on me.
It’s just what grown ups do.

Heptapod · 26/05/2019 23:46

My parents regularly lie, omit or minimise health stuff, and as we live in different countries, I end up peering suspiciously at them on Skype for signs of illness. They ‘don’t want me to worry’, but as I know perfectly well when something’s up, it would be far less stressful for them just to say what it is, rather than let me imagine the worst.

Heptapod · 26/05/2019 23:47

And Junifora, bore off back to your Louise Hay books.

tympanic · 27/05/2019 00:07

I understand your hurt, @OP. My family are weirdly avoidant when it comes to sickness. Apparently no one, including my GM, knew my GF was dying of cancer until he was on his death bed. I am certain my DF has health issues but he refuses to talk about them. I was abroad when my GM had a stroke and no one told me about it because they “Didn’t want to worry me.” If they had told me I might have got back in time to say goodbye. Devastating.

However, while I’m sure you’re hurt because you’re worried you need to let them tell you when they’re ready. I wouldn’t tell anyone if I was having tests. It’s all too unknown. Until something’s definite there’s no point in worrying people. I don’t think they’re trying to hide anything from you or punishing you for being a difficult teen, just collecting facts and getting their heads around the situation before they tell anyone. Flowers

Usingmyindoorvoice · 27/05/2019 00:13

My own view, having had to live through this, it’s hard enough to support oneself through diagnosis, treatment and subsequent ‘ has it recurred?’ worries without having the mother load of sharing it with, albeit well meaning, adult children.
Unless you’ve faced serious illness, it’s difficult to understand how exhausting telling other people actually is.

SnowsInWater · 27/05/2019 00:19

Usingmyindoorvoice Sorry to hijack but you have got it so right! It is so comforting to hear other people articulate what you are feeling. I shaved my head at the weekend (breast cancer) and was absolutely ok about it until my 16yo DD started crying.

OP, maybe your mum just can't handle any more conversations or your concern, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you 😊

Seniorschoolmum · 27/05/2019 00:34

I agree with indoorvoice, Plus the older generation generally don’t share stuff like this as much. your dm is only trying to protect you from worry. Don’t have a go at her.
Now you know, don’t expect her to do tiring things or be away from home until she is given a clean bill of health. Let her tell other people in her own time. Being quietly extra-considerate is probably the best way to support her.