To be hurt my mum didn’t tell me she was ill

[AtSea1979]

For backstory, I was nightmare in mid teens. In late teens my mum had cancer and her and my dad seemed to shut themselves off from me. Not keeping me updated, shrugging it off when I asked questions, to be my involved etc.

Fast forward to now, i’m a single parent, my parents have been involved in my DC life from the start, been through the lows and highs with me.

My dad said something a couple of weeks ago that made me worry, he said he needed phone number for where i’m staying “just in case”. It worried me and I kept turning it over. So later that week when alone with my mum I said, is there something I should know? You’re not ill again are you? etc. My mum said don’t be daft, it’s just your dad being silly etc. In conversation this week as reason she couldn’t go to shops with me, she said ‘I might as well tell you, I’ve had surgery this week, just to have a lump removed, they said it’s not cancer but they need to do more tests’.

Now I know I need to support my mum and respect her choice not to tell me etc but I can’t help but feel incredibly hurt that when I asked her a direct question she lied to my face. Part of me wants to have it out with her but I know the last thing she needs is me making it about my feeling so I just carried on like I wasn’t hurt. Would you say anything or just let it go?

It sounds as if it was still exploratory so they didn’t want to worry you unnecessarily. It does also sound though as if there is unresolved stuff from your teens which might be worth exploring a bit with your parents? Speaking as someone who needs to do the same!

The day DH and I told our DC that DH had cancer is up there as one of the worst days of my life. My DC are a lot younger that you are (all pre-teen at the time - youngest only 6), but I know that a parent’s instinct is to protect their DC, whatever their age.

DH and I are also both very private people and when you suddenly get a diagnosis like that you become public property very, very quickly. We wanted to protect our DC from that as much as ourselves.

FWIW we are actually a really open family and have always taken the route of talking big things through with our DC, even when they were small. (We’ve had overseas moves etc). This is different though - it’s not something to discuss together and seek the best way forward - it’s something you generally have no control over, and therefore a really scary position to be in. For us, controlling how we talked about it, who we talked to and what information was public vs private was about the only thing we had control over and that was important to us both.

I do think there is a difference between not telling at all and controlling how and when you tell. FIL has had some treatment over the years but has been deliberately vague to DH and BILs. We know it was some form of testicular issue but none of us know details and he refuses to give them. In my opinion that’s just cruel - he has 3 sons and 4 grandsons for goodness sake - they need to know their family history. Having said all that however, I would never, ever criticise him for not saying anything at the time - that was for him to deal with in his own way

I had a health scare a few years ago, suspected brain tumour. The only person I told was, weirdly, my boss at work, as I had to explain the numerous hospital appointments.

At the time I felt I couldn’t tell my partner or family until I had a certainty on the diagnosis. Didn’t see the point in telling them I might be ill, but not sure yet.

I’m glad I didn’t say anything, as, thankfully, it was something far less serious and treatable. I am glad I protected them from the worry and stress. It kept me calmer to know they weren’t worrying, if that makes sense.

I appreciate this approach wouldn’t suit everyone, it felt right for me.

I remember calling my mother once from work. Just to check up on her. She was in her 80s and her mobility was poor. She had a chat and told me she was fine.

A few hours later, I got a call from my sister saying mum was in a& e with a broken wrist. When I had called her she was sitting in a chair having pressed her emergency call button and waiting for an ambulance to arrive as she had fallen in the garden but somehow managed to get herself inside and sat down!.

My sister only knew we because she was the family contact for the emergency call service and they contacted her to inform her mum had been taken to hospital.

Mum's explanation was also that she didn't want to worry us!!!

She regularly hid from us if she was ill or not well over the years. I got used to it, although it did upset me sometimes too.

My mum does this to me. She had sepsis for two years which nearly killed her twice. One of those times was so serious that the doctors were actually preparing to tell us the worst. Most of this was going on at about the same time that my dad was going through his final Parkinson's decline, my mum was in hospital (again) when he died in his nursing home.

My mum will never actually tell me if she's ill. I always hear about it after the fact from one of my siblings trying to make sure I'm involved. I live in another country to my mum/siblings although I'm only a 2.5 hour flight away. She never tells me because she doesn't want me to worry, she doesn't want it to be something serious and as such won't tell anyone because apparently that keeps illness to a minimum? She doesn't want me dropping everything to get on a plane just for her to be better in a few days (although she's always needed help for at least a week after a hospital stay).

I get that she's only trying to protect me, but I find it frustrating AS FUCK. The last thing I need is one of my siblings messaging me "did anyone tell you mum's in hospital again?". It's awful, I feel so left out, at every given moment when I can't get an immediate response out of my mum I'm paranoid she's deathly ill and alone because she won't tell anyone. It's horrible.

Yes, your mother's illness is about her, but she's being very unkind by trying to be kind. Do tell her how you feel, don't 'have it out' in an aggressive manner, but explain how being left out makes you feel.

I’m with indoorvoice
Not cancer, but heart, and being of the sandwich generation, I don’t want to deal with my adult children fussing and my elderly parents fretting and the panicking every time I’m out of breath or need a nap.
I’m managing the best I can, and I want to pretend that life is as it always was, and that I’ll live long enough to enjoy retirement.
So I minimise and potter on. It’s my coping strategy.

My dad did this to me. Knew he was ill but he kept denying it to me and said he wouldn't go to the doctor (apparently) anyway turned out I only found out of his cancer when he went into hospital and the doctors gave him hours to live. Some people said it was to protect us. I don't agree and I will never recover from it. I personally believe he knew all along.

She's your Mum. It's her job to look after you, she's protecting you. Please just let her and your Dad know you're there if they need to offload and then leave it.

No, I’m not protecting my family. They know I have a chronic heart condition, as do friends. I love them, but you know what? If I don’t keep going on about it, making it a conversation point...people forget.
And I get to do things my way, because of the forgetting and moving on. Which is how I want to live.
It really isn’t a sick person’s responsibility to deal with the hurt feelings, being left out or feeling petulant about not being in the loop. We’re too busy surviving on our own terms.

If this was me, I wouldn't be so hurt that they hadn't told me yet, but I would be really hurt that they'd outright lied when specifically asked.

In my family, the point of needing surgery would've been when people were told because things can go wrong in surgery. I can understand keeping it quiet before that point, but that's when we'd have shared.

We wouldn't ever lie about health though and that would've hurt me.

I’ve had breast cancer and if it returned I’d do exactly the same as your mum. I was successfully treated last time, why on earth would I worry my loved ones unnecessarily (and invite very much unwanted sympathy and molly coddling)?
She’s your mum but she’s an autonomous person who’s doing what she feels best for everyone, which is her absolute right.

Have it out with her? Just don't, this isn’t about you. Just be there ready to talk if and when she decides she wants to. And if she doesn’t that’s equally fine.

What is the sandwich generation?

Elderly parents in need of support. Children still in need of support. Us in the middle of the sandwich, holding everything together whilst still working ft.
Squashed in the middle.

My DPs always minimised it tried to hide serious illness from us. They couldn’t keep it up with me because we lived close to them but my DM was seriously proposing to not tell my DBs she had throat cancer because ‘there’s nothing they can do and they’d only worry’. I totally understood that but both of them had a gut instinct when anything was wrong and felt uneasy and troubled when things were kept from them. I persuaded DM to tell them. For her it came purely from not wanting to worry or upset them. From their point of view they wanted to be able to support her.

I have my own adult DC now and if something is ongoing health wise I will say so because I know how stressful it was knowing that something was wrong with my DM but it being a ‘secret’. As a parent I want to be able to support my DC through anything troubling and would be more worried if I wasn’t told, I don’t want or need protecting. It’s a difficult one because usually such secretiveness around health comes from a good place.

Good parents like yours want to protect the children from worry, hurt and pain

It may come from a good place, but all the advice on dealing with cancer and terminal illness in the family is to be honest with children in an age appropriate way. Hiding things, which often slip out or are overheard is incredibly stressful for children.

Obviously it's different when adult children live away and so hiding things is more possible again- except it's not clear why this is emotionally advantageous to the children at all- and if they are your priority, then perhaps difficult conversations need to be had.

In this situation, I think it's fine to have a test first and then mention the results- so as not to cause needless worry, although my mum has mentioned her tests as she needed support over the testing time.

I get that other people's reactions are difficult when you are ill, they are tiring and upsetting because they care about you. Of course you don't have to share, but then the people feel upset and distressed when it all comes out later, which inevitably it does. Sharing upset and distress can be a normal part of human relationships- I wouldn't say hiding it is always kind to others as they tend to sense the angst and distance. It is a coping strategy often for the affected person, though, I do get that.

I am not saying of course that the OP's mum has cancer or a terminal diagnosis! She doesn't which is great. But all the advice I've received is to be honest in a calm and sensible way, not to hide. Hiding things produces hurt, even if it avoids superficially negative emotions, as this thread shows. It is a person's own decision to share, though, so it is up to the individual. But it isn't without consequence as this thread shows.

Hiding things absolutely does produce hurt. I get why people do it, it's usually for the best of intentions, to protect from pain and worry. But in reality all it does is make the children (adult or no) incredibly stressed because they KNOW something is probably up just not what. Or because they suspect if something WAS up they wouldn't get told about it and thus think in every waking moment that something probably IS up and they just don't know about it. It has made me extremely anxious and paranoid over the years my mother has been doing it to me. I just can't seem to get her to understand. It's hardly like I'm standing over her wringing my hands when I do know she's sick, I check in daily, ask how she is and send funny things in the post to make her feel better. That's all. She's not protecting me by hiding things, she's just increasing my stress and worry.

I tend not to tell my Mum anything because she then pokes and prods until she has retrieved the info she wants, which she then shares all around her friends and my family. It drives me nuts - she's like the bloody town crier sometimes.

Despite being a daughter, a Mum, a wife and a sister, I am still me, an autonomous being and I have the right to make decisions about what I share with whom.

Respect your Mum's privacy please OP. She is still herself and her own person first and foremost.

Damn, what would you do differently if she shared everything with you?
Would it change what may come? Would you be more attentive?
What exactly are you fretting about, do you think she’s not managing her condition effectively?

Primrose if I could trust that my mother was telling me the absolute truth about her health and how bad things were or were not I could relax if she said she was fine and just focus on supporting her if and when she needs.

She told me she was fine three years ago and I ended up dropping everything on a painfully expensive flight to the UK because three hours after telling me she was fine my brother called me to tell me she had a heart attack so bad they didn't think she was going to make it. When she made the call to me to say she was fine? She was lying on the floor because she couldn't get up. I was convinced I would be too late that time, I cried the whole way.

I am in a constant state of "is she fine? Is she in hospital? Is she just somewhere without signal? Am I losing my only chance now to get on a plane and see my mother for the last time?"

I'm fretting that my mum will die after a prolongued illness that I knew nothing about and that I wouldn't get the chance to be there for her, to look after her, and tell her how I much I love her before she passed. It eats me up alive if I slip and allow the thoughts space in my head.

I think it's okay to point out to your parents that you are an adult, that you worry more if you aren't being told things, and that you would really like it if in future they would just let you know if there's anything going on. Not make a big deal of it, just ask that they consider things a bit differently in the future.

I agree that there’s an enormous difference between what I’m doing and actively lying to your family when things clearly are undeniably not ok.
I’ve always hugged my family and told them I love them as often as I can, because nothing is certain for any of us, you never know when it will be your last time. I still worry a little when my children are out and about...and they are in their 20s. Likewise my parents who are both in their late 80s, and tell me everything about every medical intervention, medication and dietary requirements.
So you just have to live each day as it comes.

I would have it out with her. Not in an aggressive way, but more just explaining that it hurts you when she keeps things from you. You want to know these things, you want to be able to support and help her if she needs it and if she doesn't need it then that's all she has to say.

My dad does this to me. He had 3 "mini" strokes last year and I had no idea. I hadn't seen him for about 4 months as he kept cancelling and telling me he was busy. When I finally visited, he didn't even tell me. I asked so how have you been and he said fine, same old. Then my step mum piped up with "fine? you've had two strokes in the last few months." But she didn't think to let me know either