To be hurt my mum didn’t tell me she was ill

[AtSea1979]

For backstory, I was nightmare in mid teens. In late teens my mum had cancer and her and my dad seemed to shut themselves off from me. Not keeping me updated, shrugging it off when I asked questions, to be my involved etc.

Fast forward to now, i’m a single parent, my parents have been involved in my DC life from the start, been through the lows and highs with me.

My dad said something a couple of weeks ago that made me worry, he said he needed phone number for where i’m staying “just in case”. It worried me and I kept turning it over. So later that week when alone with my mum I said, is there something I should know? You’re not ill again are you? etc. My mum said don’t be daft, it’s just your dad being silly etc. In conversation this week as reason she couldn’t go to shops with me, she said ‘I might as well tell you, I’ve had surgery this week, just to have a lump removed, they said it’s not cancer but they need to do more tests’.

Now I know I need to support my mum and respect her choice not to tell me etc but I can’t help but feel incredibly hurt that when I asked her a direct question she lied to my face. Part of me wants to have it out with her but I know the last thing she needs is me making it about my feeling so I just carried on like I wasn’t hurt. Would you say anything or just let it go?

Even if you say it kindly and calmly, don’t make it about you being hurt. That will just make her feel guilty, amongst all the other feelings she has. This is not about you at this time. You can reassure her that she can talk about it if it would help her, and that you are there to support her anyway, but be prepared to let her deal with it in her own way.

Op you don’t sound ( from your statement about being a teen) that you have always had the best relationship with your mum. Is this possibly a guilt reaction? I think you have to put that to one side and respect that your mum is an individual and does not have to tell you everything.

Frankly, I think her choice was quite reasonable. It's not cancer. There was little point in worrying you about a lump that might or might not be cancer until a definitive statement one way or the other was made.

My ILs said “we won’t tell you about any serious illnesses we get”.

I blew up at them, I’m afraid, not massively, but enough I hope. I think the phrases “bloody daft”, “in their forties”, “going to look a bit stupid when you do peg it” and “who do you think is going to arrange your funerals” may have been used.

That is, if it’s major I want to know. However, my parents are both hypochondriacs, and have chronic illnesses, and have had the serious ones too. Keeping up is exhausting. I hear s lot less now but it used to be exhausting...

I get it, op. My mum’s doctor discovered a brain aneurysm (not ruptured) and my mum told my husband before she told me, and I was furious. I can see now that she was making sure I had support in place before she told me (and my heart breaks that when she’d just had such awful news, and must’ve been terrified, her first thought was to make sure I was going to be able to cope).

I think it's OK to ask your mum about it in a non confrontational way. Just say "I was just wondering what your reasons were for not telling me.can you help me to understand " its so likely to be an reason that's not about shutting you out etc but having her confirm it will help you. Just think how you'd want your child to ask you and do it in the same way.

I wouldn’t ask her why she didn’t tell you. I would offer support.

This struck a cord with me. Once people know you are very ill they will/do treat you differently. Wether they try to or not. So unless you like all that pity party stuff, that's another reason why some people keep their bad news to themselves . They then pop off unexpectedly early for their age and no one has the burden but them. It might come out afterwards and people might be angry that they didn't get to share in the misery. Nowt as odd as folk.

When my Mum was initially diagnosed with cancer, she and my Dad kept a lot from us. It felt like being rejected tbh, but I told myself that it was their decision (well mostly Mum's) and it was their way of coping. They also minimised a lot of the effects of treatments in order to protect us I think.

When she was diagnosed again, and it was terminal they were forced to tell us everything. But I always tried not to show any fear or grief in front of them, because I was always aware that however hard it was for me, it was harder for them.

It sounds like a ham fisted attempt to protect you OP, maybe your dad was trying to gently tell you but your Mum didn't want you to worry?

I hope it all goes ok.

She didn't want to worry you unnecessarily. As the mother of adult dds I'd have done exactly the same.
Please don't make a thing of it, let alone the cause of an argument.

My dad does this at times. He gets all secretive and starts avoid the question if you ask him about his health. He’s had a few different op’s lately and I’m still not entirely sure what the were for.

I understand it’s his health and he has a right to privacy. He doesn’t tell us because he doesn’t want us to worry. The thing is, knowing little bits makes it even worse for us as we are then thinking the worst and imagining all sorts.

If he’d just told us the truth from the beginning we wouldn’t be imagining worst case scenario!

Ditto the probably trying to protect you.

I admit I go the other way. I tell my DDs as I know they'd want to know and if I didn't tell them something major then they'd always be half wondering if there was a thing. It goes both ways. They'll tell me if they have a major worry.

I hope your mum is okay OP.

Let it go. Some people are private with their health. Maybe gently say that you are there if she ever needs you, but I wouldn’t make an issue of it.

Ah, OP, she’s done it to protect you. I had a similar situation last year, and only told my DH and a colleague. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling my (teenage) DC, parents or friends. I had a couple of days off work to go to hospital for tests.

I’d sob in the shower imagining the conversations I might have to have with my DC. I prepared myself for a diagnosis, but the thought of telling my children nearly killed me. I would look up to the sky and beg God not to that that to my DC.

I’d already decided that I’d have to ask my sister to tell my parents so I could avoid the drama and crying and questions.

In the end, it all worked out well - the tests came back negative, and I didn’t need to share it. I’m a private person, and maintain that I made the right decision for me.

Good luck to your mum.

I had exactly the same with my father. I was not quite a teen. A few years later he died as the cancer although cured when I was just a teen came back. They involved me as little as they possibly could, kept me in the dark, ignored my questions. It made me more anxious, not less. I am someone, who needs to know certainties to manage my anxiety and I felt very vulnerable and alone.

I get where you are coming from. Now, as an adult, it is for you to manage your anxiety yourself. You cannot change how your parents are. So I think it will achieve nothing by having it out with her now. Once she has the results, maybe talk over a cuppa about how you don’t need protecting anymore and you need to know as not knowing makes you more anxious, not less.

I do hope all is well. Although the doctors have said they think the lump is non cancerous, they could be wrong. I don’t want to alarm you. I just know this happens and it has in my family. And if it is, the likelihood is that it isn’t advanced and can be treated.

People are so scared of cancer and therefore so scared of telling their loved ones, especially the older generations. This is due, I imagine to prognoses and treatments of the past, which were horrendous, when in fact these days it is often treatable.

My mum was exactly the same. She was in hospital Christmas 2016 for gallbladder op. Wasn't till February 2017 she told us while she was in they did a hysterectomy as they had found a growth and believed it to be cancer. It was cancer and she had to start treatment. She had wanted time to come to terms with it before she had to tell us

I found out my mum had cancer when her Macmillan nurse called when I was at her house.
I was devastated but tried not to show it. I sort of assumed that she was having trouble dealing with it and couldn't bring herself to say the words. Especially when she couldn't promise it would be ok.
It's so so hard.
I think you just have to be there and support her. Your feelings are understandable but I think it would upset her if you say anything.

I have cancer. I know The Fear,

And looking at the opening post, it seems you were a nightmare pretty much at the time your DMum had her first diagnosis and treatment.

She’s really going through it right now The time’s when you are awaiting test results are right up there with the worst bits when you’re dealing with cancer.

She chose not to tell you. That is absolutely OK

It may even be related to the impact your nightmare teen behaviour had on how she coped with cancer before, Or it might not. But either way, this is a time where the patient can do whatever the fuck they like.

Let it go, and work out how you can (from this starting point) work out how you can best support your DMum if the cancer is back and she is welcoming of your support. If she isn’t, then the only course of action for you is to respect her wishes

IMO they are trying to protect you from worrying, I'm a bit like this with my daughter. I'm going through a health issue, its just come to light, I'm not going to tell her until I know what's going to happen, there's no point in worrying her. As your mum had told you she'd had surgery just tell her nicely that she can talk to you, you may be able to help, it's worse when you suspect something is wrong but are unsure. I hope your mum gets the all clear

If her Mum had told her that she had had cancer previously then my dear friend would have seen a doctor sooner and maybe she would still be with us!
It concerns you, they should tell you!

My mum did the same. She had pre-cancerous cells picked up in a routine mammogram, then surgery to remove them. She didn’t tell my sister and I anything until she was well through the surgery and she forbade my dad from telling us. Eventually she did, but only because my dad pointed out that cancer can have a strong genetic element and that we needed to know if there was any breast cancer in the family.

I was pre-warned: we had gone “home” to their place for Christmas, and while I was wrapping presents in their office I saw a page of handwritten notes and a letter from the cancer clinic. I didn’t raise it with my mum, as I guess I believed she has the right to choose who and when to tell. But I was hurt and worried. She told me a day or two later. She couldn’t bring herself to tell my sister, so she asked me to, which my sister didn’t take very well.

I’m in two minds about it. I wish she’d told us, for my dads sake really as he had to take all the worry on his shoulders and he wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. Looking back, it showed, and it explained a lot of odd behaviour (we usually spend at least a week or two with them in holiday). She had some follow up radiation therapy, and she spoke openly about that and I think they both felt better about being able to do that.

I do respect her right to decide who and when to tell though. She is the priority, it’s about her, not me.

Im a mum of young adult children who has had cancer and recently had investigations into a "mass", that is thankfully all ok.

I didn't tell my adult children. I actually lied about not being available on the day of my recent hospital appointment when adked to join them at a social event.
It's about love and the never ending maternal instinct yo protect my "children" from what may hurt them.
There us no malice, mistrust or underhand reasons just purely love and protection.

Telling them I had cancer 3 years ago was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I won't ever want to put then through the same anguish again. Maybe one day I might need to, but until my hand is forced (ie: I'm very definately seriously ill) I won't be worrying them whilst the long winded investigations are carried out.

Your mum is very probably trying to protect you from worry and sadness purely because she loves you. Please don't have it out with her.

My parents are like this, they are protecting me although I don’t need protecting. They don’t want me to worry about them.
I didn’t know my DM had COPD until recently, she was diagnosed about 3 years ago.
For what it’s worth I was also a nightmare in my teens yet have a very close relationship with my DP now. I don’t think it has anything to do with not telling you about illnesses.
Hope your DM is ok!

OP, you seem very self aware of how difficult you made life for your parents, good for you. This is to your credit.

That self awareness will intensify as your own child hits the teenage years.

If I were you I would let go of any hurt as your parents have been so good to you.

I would offer kindness and support to both your parents during this time.

If you do this, I believe it will be a great source of comfort to you in your future.

Good parents like yours want to protect the children from worry, hurt and pain.
Best of luck.

There are two elements to this. One is control, ie, most patients lose control over their lives when they are diagnosed and things are done to them so that not telling people is the one piece of control that they retain.

The second is protecting your children. My mother was diagnosed with secondaries in her liver but told my sister that she had not been told what the outcome of a scan was. Cue aged sister marching up to nurses station demanding that she be told and perplexed nurse saying "But the doctor explained it an hour ago, she has secondaries in her liver." She goes back to see my mum who says, "I am glad they told you, I did not want your last memories of me to be of me telling you I was going to die from cancer." For my mum, it was her way of being kind.